Toxin

“How about starting to attend lessons with the children from tomorrow? I believe you, my lord, will fit in effortlessly.”

“What?”

Raonhiljo widened his eyes and asked again. Without responding, I exchanged glances with Narsha, who was in the yard. Raonhiljo left her with a word of thanks for her hard work and closed the door. He had been devoting himself to developing new land lately, leaving him little time to rest. Despite this, he always made time to be thoughtful and attentive. As soon as the door closed, Raonhiljo tugged my arm from behind.

“My Lord. Wait…!”

Before I could find my balance, he found my lips. His moist flesh provocatively twined around my tongue, softly brushing the roof of my mouth. My shoulders tensed instinctively. His tongue swirled on mine like he was drawing circles, then lightly bit down.

“Hah… ha… Your tongue is so slippery and soft. I want to suck on it all day. Hah… I love it so much.”

Lewd words spilled into my mouth along with his saliva. I gripped his collar tightly. His tongue, licking my lips, grew more persistent and rough. Then, he slid his leg between mine. At that moment, all my nerves froze. It was happening again—that feeling. Trembling, I pushed Raonhiljo away. The room was filled only with the sound of our irregular breaths. I fixed my gaze on the awkward spot between his chin and neck.

“My Lord, outside… the guards are…”

A brief silence followed. Then, Narsha’s cautious voice called from outside.

“My Lord. Um…”

Raonhiljo, still staring at me with a distant look in his eyes, responded.

“What is it?”

“I was hoping you could step out for a moment. Something urgent has come up…”

Breaking his gaze from mine, Raonhiljo opened the door. As soon as the door swung open, a voice brimming with excitement rang out from the yard.

“Lord Raonhiljo! The well has sprung! There’s so much water that the village people could drink to their heart’s content!”

“Really?”

Raonhiljo’s eyes lit up. Water was scarce here, making this an incredibly welcome news.

“We have a horse ready at the village entrance! Everyone’s waiting—what should we do?”

“We go, of course. If the well’s sprung, we can’t wait.”

Without warning, Raonhiljo grabbed my wrist and led me outside.

***

All across the village, dozens of men were hauling massive rocks and timber, building houses. Raonhiljo greeted the men working busily.

“You’re doing great work. Keep it up.”

“Don’t worry about it! We’re just glad the well finally sprung. But how are we supposed to carry it all the way to the village from such a distance? We can’t just haul it bucket by bucket, can we?”

“I’m heading there to figure it out. I’ll bring back good news.”

“Yes, sir!”

The men, buoyed by hope, worked even harder. They raised pillars, built walls, and every villager carried out their tasks diligently. Initially, there weren’t this many people. The tribes who lost their lands to Baedal Kingdom had heard rumors about Raonhiljo and gradually flocked here to settle. Since then, Raonhiljo had made incredible progress. He turned this barren land, untouched by human hands and filled with nothing but wilderness, into a thriving community. Perhaps the most remarkable aspect was the strong unity, despite the mix of various tribes.

“Hey! Hold that tight!”

“Back up! Move further back! Are you asking to get struck by Lord Raonhiljo’s wrath?”

“If you mess up, he’s the type to just laugh it off, you idiot! Remember when you lost three Jincheonroe? You know what I’m talking about!”

The giant and the Nati tribe exchanged hearty banter. The women carrying snacks to the workers teased Raonhiljo.

“My, my, how handsome can one man be?”

“Exactly! I’ve never seen anyone as handsome as him! The first time I laid eyes on him, I was so shocked I couldn’t sleep that night. Ha ha ha!”

Raonhiljo responded with a stiff smile.

“Could you please save those kinds of comments for when I’m not around? They’re hard to listen to.”

I burst out laughing. As shameless as Raonhiljo could be, he surprisingly couldn’t handle such blunt compliments. At times, he could be as needy as a puppy, while other times, he could be so sly it left you speechless. The more I got to know him, the more new sides of him came out. Just then, one of the women returning from delivering snacks handed me a ripe persimmon. She glanced at Raonhiljo and laughed heartily.

“It’s nothing special, really. I got this at the market yesterday. Please, take it.”

“No, no, your children need it more.”

“I haven’t even properly thanked you for looking after my kids! Are you trying to make me feel embarrassed?”

The woman insisted on pressing the persimmon into my hand. Raonhiljo, standing behind, stared at the persimmon with an unusually dark expression.

“Thank you.”

I bowed to the woman and accepted the ripe persimmon. Ever since coming here, the villagers had been giving me a persimmon every other day. Since it was a precious commodity for them, I always felt embarrassed to accept it. In fact, this was the first place where I had ever eaten a persimmon. The first time I tried one, I immediately threw up. As someone whose diet mainly consisted of raw meat, the texture just felt like a slimy lump to me. I knew that even if I accepted it now, it would eventually end up in her child’s hands, so I decided to keep it for the time being.

That’s when it happened. My hand suddenly twitched, and I dropped the persimmon. It hit the dirt ground, bursting open and spilling its insides. I massaged my hand, which still had residual tremors. The aftereffects of having my horns cut off were worse than I had imagined. These small spasms happened frequently, and sometimes it felt like my nerves were being torn apart, making it painful to walk or affecting my balance. I bent down to pick it up, but Raonhiljo was quicker. He scooped up the split persimmon, wrapped it in a cloth borrowed from the woman, and handed it to me. Without caring about anyone watching, he grabbed my hand and started walking. The cool breeze gently ruffled his hair.

“I’ll bring another physician on the way back. Your symptoms don’t seem to be improving.”

“I’m not particularly uncomfortable. It doesn’t happen that often.”

Raonhiljo massaged my wrist, feeling the thinness of my skin.

“Why are you getting so thin? I thought I was feeding you well.”

“You’re feeding me properly. It’s probably because I’ve been stressed over the children. Plus, I’ve always had trouble gaining weight.”

Since arriving here, I hadn’t missed a single meal. Raonhiljo diligently brought me the best cuts of meat, and I felt guilty watching them disappear so quickly. He looked at me with heavy eyes.

“I never wanted you to live in a place like this. I wanted to take you somewhere better, faster.”

Ever since we arrived here, he’d made that face often. It was perplexing. I truly didn’t mind, so why was he so concerned? I had never felt such peace before, and I really liked it here. Most of all, I didn’t want to burden him with unnecessary worries now that he had finally found some stability. That’s why I focused on eating well and teaching the children.

“I really like it here. Honestly. The scent of the trees is wonderful, and the smell of the earth is calming. I’m really fine, so…”

Please, from now on, just think about yourself. Don’t make that face anymore. I’m truly okay… I chanted it like a prayer in my heart. Raonhiljo stared at me for a while before responding in a flat voice.

“Then that’s fine.”

In the distance, a few horses and several large men came into view. Raonhiljo stopped walking and turned to me.

“Don’t overexert yourself. Will you be back today? When…?”

“Do you want me to return quickly?”

“…”

There was a playful tone in his question. His face, which had become gaunt over the past few days, weighed heavily on my heart. I wished he would take some time to rest. Biting my lower lip, I nodded. His eyes glistened with a soft light, and he touched my lips gently, making direct eye contact.

“I’ll be back soon.”

With a sigh, Raonhiljo approached the others. Just before mounting his horse, he suddenly asked the giant next to him:

“Why did the well have to spring now?”

“Pardon?”

The giant’s eyes widened in surprise. Raonhiljo mounted his horse, tugging the reins. The rest of the group mounted their horses and followed suit. I smiled faintly as I watched Raonhiljo ride off. It was a relief to see him regaining some stability. He would likely carry the grief of losing his kin in his heart for the rest of his life, but unlike me, who was once trapped by hatred, he was forging ahead, driven by a desire for the future, and he shone brightly because of it. As he disappeared into the dust, I turned to head back to our shelter. Strangely, though, Narsha hadn’t followed him.

“Aren’t you going with them?”

“No, I have other matters to attend to. Let’s go.”

“Understood.”

Nodding, I began walking with her toward the house. A group of women carrying laundry bustled past us.

“Ever since the Black Martial Emperor fell, Baedal Kingdom has been in mourning, hasn’t it? They say it’s because of some poison or something…”

“Ugh, that’s why you need to have heirs. You never know when something might happen.”

“Don’t talk like that! Another killer like him might emerge, targeting people again!”

“Anyway, I heard the soldiers from Baedal Kingdom are frantically searching for the assassin, but no matter how hard they look, the person vanished without a trace.”

“Must be hiding somewhere deep. I can’t even sleep, worried they might come here…”

The women shuddered and disappeared from sight. I felt Narsha’s gaze but kept walking toward the house.

We each returned to our rooms. Lighting a lamp, I grabbed a painting book from the side. Removing the paper on top, I revealed Raonhiljo’s half-painted portrait inside. When I had barely pulled myself together after arriving here, the first thing I did was begin sketching his likeness. I wanted to keep the promise I’d broken so many times before. I couldn’t have asked him to sit for it while he was so busy, and since I was keeping it a secret, I had to rely solely on my memory. I picked up the brush and carefully refined his well-shaped nose, adding color to his honest yet occasionally wicked lips. I felt completely deceived by his handsome exterior. Where did he learn to be so insufferable? When he nonchalantly spewed out lewd remarks, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole.

After painting late into the night, I went to bed. Teaching the children was incredibly fulfilling. Though some mischievous ones gave me trouble, compared to my old life, everything felt like a dream. Sometimes, I even wondered if this was really me, walking and breathing freely. The scent of earth mixed with the wind that seeped through the cracks in the log walls. The scorching summer was fading, and autumn was quietly approaching.

***

The morning sunlight filtered into the room. As I shook off the bedding and got up, the soles of my feet tingled. Sure enough, small cuts and bruises marred my hands and feet, and my whole body ached as if I’d been beaten. It was so strange. Since arriving here, I hadn’t had any nightmares and had slept peacefully, but recently, it seemed like I was hurting myself every night. Maybe I was tossing and turning in my sleep and bumping into the furniture… With my body still feeling sore, I prepared myself for the day ahead.

I planned to gather materials from the field to share with the children in the morning. Now that it was autumn, it was hard to find wildflowers. I wandered around the corners of the village, filling my basket with brightly colored wild grass and flowers. A persimmon, as big as a fist, was also placed in the basket. I received it from a woman earlier on my way here. While I was searching for rare wildflowers, an old woman with white hair stared intently at the persimmon in my basket.

“There’s no better way to drive away something evil than with a persimmon, yes…”

The old woman then looked straight at me, clicking her tongue.

“But this time, it’s a persistent and vicious one. A persimmon alone won’t be enough to drive it away.”

“What… do you mean?”

“Do you even understand? Do you remember?”

I couldn’t understand her words, nor was I sure if she was even speaking to me. I didn’t ask further. That familiar look in her eyes made me uneasy. I had a feeling I shouldn’t engage any further, so I turned my back on her gaze and hurried away. My heart trembled slightly, and I gripped the basket tightly as I quickened my pace. I just wanted to return home as soon as possible, to the refuge where all the sounds of the world were cut off…

***

Though Raonhiljo said he’d return quickly, it wasn’t until late the next night that he came back. That day, I had taught the children near the waterfall, and we didn’t finish until dusk. As soon as I entered the village, I heard some news that hurried me home. The people who had left the day before were attacked by bandits on their way back, and Raonhiljo was injured while protecting his subordinates. I rushed into the yard and saw two silhouettes through the paper door, facing each other. It was Raonhiljo and Narsha. As I hurriedly stepped onto the porch, I froze at the sound of a low voice.

“Lower your voice. What exactly do you want to say?”

“I’m just curious about how long you’re going to pretend not to know.”

“What am I pretending not to know, Narsha?”

“It happened again last night while you were away from the village, My Lord.”

Raonhiljo’s shadow stiffened. Something was clearly wrong. It seemed like the situation was more serious than I had thought. I should probably come back later. As I quietly backed away from the porch, Narsha’s voice stopped me in my tracks again.

“That boy still doesn’t know what he’s been doing. Ever since he arrived here, he’s been sleepwalking through the village every night… You’ve always been the one to bring him back.”

“It’s nothing new. Is he hurt?”

“Other than a bad scrape on his foot, he’s fine. Luckily, some people helped and brought him back. He must have tried to hold it in when he was awake, but he can’t hide it when he’s unconscious.”

It felt as if I had been struck. Narsha’s voice echoed in my dazed ears.

“He was struggling again… It was the same this time. He only cried, muttering incomprehensible things. I’ve been thinking about what it all means. I think I know, but will My Lord keep pretending not to?”

It felt like my body temperature dropped all at once. Without any further explanation, I knew they were talking about me. There was no way I could remember what I had done or what I had said. It had been quiet for a while, and I thought I was fully healed. I thought I had finally put down the burden, that I was okay now. But the shock was so great that my head began to spin. Narsha’s voice filtered through the door again.

“Can’t you see how hard he’s trying to hold it in? Or maybe you just don’t want to. You promised me that day at the cliff that you wanted to make him the happiest, that you’d never let him cry again. But does he really look okay to you right now?”

“Yeah, I want to see him happy. But that only happens when he’s by my side.”

“Then how are you any different from the Black Martial Emperor? You’re so caught up in your own desires that you don’t even bother to see what he really wants.”

“Seems like blood doesn’t lie.”

The coldness in his voice revealed his expression. Narsha sighed softly.

“And you, my lord? How long can you bear watching him wander the streets every night, tormented by memories of that day? Are you really okay with this?”

Raonhiljo’s shadow grew sharper.

“What are you talking about? What do you mean?”

“My Lord…”

“I said I’m fine. I’m telling you it’s fine, so what more do you want?”

“My Lord, please…”

“There’s a difference between being informal and being insolent. You’ve crossed the line.”

A heavy silence followed.

“…I apologize.”

Her voice was wet with tears. I couldn’t bear to stay any longer. I barely managed to move my trembling legs. As soon as I returned to my room, I locked the door, piled up furniture in front of it, and blocked the entrance with anything I could find. I figured that they wouldn’t have the energy to move all this. And if that didn’t work, I’d have to find a way to stay awake. I panted as I leaned against the door. Raonhiljo’s gaze, the neighbors handing me persimmons—it all made sense now. I had a feeling that these miserable, sleepless nights would continue.

Raonhiljo, who had become too busy again to consider whether construction was needed to connect the waterway to the Village, was now only seen late at night. While teaching the children, I would also paint Raonhiljo’s portrait in my spare time. At night, I didn’t forget to place stones and furniture in front of the door. Perhaps because of this, no one offered me persimmons anymore. I thought that was why things had gotten better.

***

Someone’s sigh brushed across my forehead. I opened my eyes at the cool touch on my cheek. My joints ached, and it felt like all the moisture had been drained from my body. I blinked and looked around. The dim dawn sky hung above, and beneath it stood Raonhiljo. He looked at me with a somber gaze.

“Oh, it seems you’re awake.”

Narsha’s eyes widened from behind Raonhiljo. I quickly pulled away from his embrace. This was definitely the forest near the Village. How did I end up here…? Even though I had blocked the door… How…? I grabbed my hair, trying to figure out what had happened, but I couldn’t remember anything. Could it be, again…?

“You thrashed around quite violently. He had no choice but to leave you be, worried you’d hurt yourself. This is the first time you’ve woken up in the middle of it.”

“…!”

Narsha’s words made me feel like I was falling off a cliff. I didn’t even dare to look at Raonhiljo. My mud-covered feet scratched at my vision. A wave of heat rushed to my eyes, feeling like something had been exposed.

“I’m sorry. I… I’m sorry…”

I was about to get up when Raonhiljo grabbed my arm and dragged me somewhere. In an instant, he took me through the Village alley and the yard, and then into a room where he threw me to the floor.

The sound of the door slamming shut shook the darkness. His eyes, soaked in darkness, burned like flames.

“Where are you so eager to go? How long are you going to pretend you don’t know and keep doing this?!”

His agitated voice echoed throughout the room. I blinked nervously, only able to look at his chest. I barely managed to muster up my voice.

“Why… Why didn’t you tell me? If I had known, I would have found a way… Ah…!”

Raonhiljo roughly pulled me up and bit my lips. He sucked on my tongue, harshly sweeping across the sensitive mucous membrane underneath. The intense sensation made my head throb, and my breath quickened. At the same time, a strange feeling of repulsion welled up inside me. As I tried to push him away, he forcefully pressed down on my hands. Simultaneously, hot breath poured into my ear.

“Did you think I held back because I was afraid of Imae’s poison? I was waiting because things weren’t settled. If I had known it would come to this, I would never have done something so foolish again!”

“Ah…! My lord…!”

Instinctively, I pushed him away and ran outside. But his outstretched hand threw me onto the bed, and he began tearing at my clothes. As my legs were forced wide apart, my mind went blank. I resisted fiercely and managed to break free from his grasp.

He grabbed my wrist again, shoving me roughly. My head throbbed so much it felt like it was on fire. His gaze pierced through me.

“Do you want to leave that badly?”

My head jerked up reflexively. What is he…? My mouth went dry.

“What… I’m not going anywhere. Here….”

“You know.”

His voice dropped each word, cold as ice.

“You know.”

No, no… Don’t say it. If you say it…! I shook my head. His blazing gaze penetrated the darkness.

“You know Garon is alive.”

“…!!”

Something quickly crumbled inside me. I closed my eyes. His voice, stained with anger, poured into my ears.

“Thanks to Garon’s miraculous survival, the Baedal Kingdom, which was in mourning, is now in a celebratory mood. The whole world knows about it—there’s no way you wouldn’t.”

Each of his words peeled away my flesh and tore into my insides. I had heard about the Black Martial Emperor’s fate through the whispers of the Village people. No matter how much I tried to shut my ears, it was useless. It was once again proven that Baekgak was the antidote. Raonhiljo and I had made an unspoken vow to take the secret of that day to our graves, and we had kept that promise until now. But taboos are so easily broken.

What was it that I felt that day? The Black Martial Emperor’s body had been as cold as a reptile’s. The heart that had touched my hand had stopped beating. Only that coldness and trembling remained vivid. Fragments of memory severed deeply hidden thoughts. I crumpled into the darkness like an animal with its head cut off.

“What should I do? What can I do to make you feel at ease, My lord?”

I stared into the dim void.

“I’ll nail the door shut if I have to. If that’s not enough, I’ll bind my limbs… If that’s still not enough, I’ll cut off my legs to stop it…”

He looked at me with a torn expression.

“Do you really have to go to such lengths to hold back?”

I gazed at him, enveloped in darkness, with a sense of helplessness. Raonhiljo covered me with a blanket and then left the room. The door closed, and the last remaining light was swallowed by the pitch-black darkness. Are we drifting apart, or are we finally becoming what we truly are…?

I wanted to protect Raonhiljo. It was with that resolve that I endured each day. He gave up a guaranteed future and even lost his only family. If it had been out of a desire for power, my heart wouldn’t ache this much. I thought I could silence my heart and gag myself. I believed that even if my heart rotted like a leper’s, time would eventually heal it. But no, even though all my efforts collapsed in an instant, it’s okay. I’ll just start over again. From the day I first opened my eyes here…

***

Autumn came quickly. That night, the sky seemed unusually distant and vast. When I opened my eyes, dawn had not yet broken, and I was lying in a dimly lit room. I had been deeply asleep but awoke to the sound of someone nearby. Peeking through a narrow crack in the door, I saw Raonhiljo standing in the yard. He seemed lost in deep thought, surrounded by the pale early morning air. I got out of bed, moved the heavy stones and furniture that were blocking the door, and picked up a sketchbook that was lying nearby. As I stepped out, the sound of my footsteps on the grass caught his attention, and he turned to look at me. I approached him and handed him the sketchbook.

“Here is the portrait I promised. I already received payment, but it took me this long to finish it.”

Raonhiljo’s eyes widened as he looked at the face captured on the canvas.

“Do I really look like this? This version of me is much better looking!”

His tone was playful, but he genuinely seemed pleased. The masculinity he exuded wasn’t the ferocity of a predator, but rather the noble spirit of bamboo. I felt regret that I couldn’t fully capture such a radiant person on canvas. After examining the painting for a long time, Raonhiljo suddenly spoke.

“I’m planning to go to the valley to get some fresh air. Would you like to join me?”

“…Yes.”

I answered readily. Raonhiljo carefully placed the painting in his room and then approached me. He glanced at my feet and gently smiled.

“You’re not planning to walk there on those feet, are you?”

Then, without warning, he crouched down in front of me. I looked at his broad back in surprise, and he prompted me to do what I was supposed to.

“What are you waiting for? Hop on.”

***

His broad back felt like a warm blanket. His steady gait was as soothing as a lullaby. The chilly wind rustled Raonhiljo’s hair and the hem of his long robes. His cool voice drifted down with the wind.

“My mother devoted her entire life to my father without a single complaint. She had his love, but there were many lonely days. That’s why I vowed I wouldn’t live clinging to power like my father. But now I realize that to protect my family, I need power. It’s too late, though.”

I felt the same way. There was a time when my hatred for the person who caused my mother’s suffering was less than my resentment toward myself for failing to protect her. As I looked at his broad back, I spoke.

“Did you ever want to be king?”

I could feel him smile faintly.

“I have no interest in the throne. But there was something I wanted if I became king. I thought I had run quite a distance, but there’s still a long way to go. The road ahead is endless.”

“Don’t think too hastily. If you keep running, one day you’ll find yourself complete.”

Even though the villagers had united in their shared opposition to the Baedal Kingdom, they had, in this short time, embraced each other without discord, transcending their differences. The village, covered in the light of dawn, was as peaceful as a utopian dream.

“I’ve heard that those who climb mountains aren’t bad people. It’s not that good people climb mountains, but that mountains make people good. My lord… you are like a mountain.”

Raonhiljo’s shoulders noticeably stiffened. He must have felt embarrassed. My laughter spread across his shoulders. He will surely become a good king, one who enriches the land and allows his people to laugh freely within it. Does he even realize how much passion is hidden within him, like a bamboo ink painting, and how captivating that is…?

I savored the gentle swaying and listened to the sound of leaves crunching underfoot. Then, I heard the sound of water nearby. I looked up to see a valley ahead. It was the place where I often bathed. Just as I was about to ask something, he set me down by the valley. The moonlight reflected off the water, highlighting the sharp contours of Raonhiljo’s face. He smiled faintly.

“You and I have lost everything and our families. But I don’t want us to be bound by that shared pain. I want to be a strong, shameless man to you.”

“My lord…”

I opened my mouth to deny it, to say that I wasn’t with him out of some shallow sense of shared suffering, but he spoke first, quietly.

“But I admit I used you unconsciously. If the bond between us was all I had to hold onto, I wanted to cling to it. You used to be like mist, but now, when I look at you, it feels like I’m hitting a wall. You make me feel like a coward sometimes.”

The shadows on his face deepened, darkening the already dim features. That darkness seeped into me as well.

“If you let me see him one last time, will you be completely mine afterward?”

“My lord…”

He smiled bitterly.

“Probably not. You’ll hold back again, and I’ll have to watch you do it. That’s not why I brought you here. I wanted to make you happier than anyone else.”

“Happiness isn’t as grand as it seems. Just being comfortable in body and mind is enough. I’m already comfortable as I am…”

“I used to think so too.”