Toxin

“I thought so too.”

“My lord, I……”

I wanted to tell him that this was enough, but we knew that wasn’t entirely true. Raonhiljo dropped his night-sky eyes onto me without a word.

“This is the first and last time. From now on, no matter what state you’re in, I’ll pretend not to know.”

What……? Fallen leaves on the ground were swept up by the wind along with his voice.

“Shall I abandon you?”

My heart plummeted at a terrifying speed. I looked up at him, standing there holding up the Milky Way. His eyes spoke countless words I couldn’t comprehend. My ears buzzed. I struggled to calm my pounding heart and barely opened my mouth.

“What…… What do you mean…… I’m here with you, My lord……”

“No. Not what you have to do, but what you want to do. This is the last time I’ll ask. Answer properly this time.”

“……”

“……Shall I abandon you?”

Do you want to leave?

His gentle voice pierced through me like a blade. I blinked frantically. My consciousness became rigid.

“My lord, I……”

He quietly waited for my answer. I clenched my hands so tightly that they bled. My lips trembled, turning blue. He was someone who once loved trees and flowers more than weapons, but now he held a weapon in those hands, stained with blood. I was the last thing left for this person who had abandoned everything else. Of course, I would stay with him. In a new home, with him…… I……

“……I……”

The words wouldn’t come out. The vows I had taken for granted began to unravel into chaos. Only my ragged breathing remained clear. My open lips felt like they would emit a rusty sound. As my vision blurred, my throat burned.

“I…… I…… I……”

Tears fell down my cheeks as if by a miracle. What am I trying to do to him right now? What am I trying to do……? And then, I finally crumbled. I pressed my forehead to the dirt as if to crack my skull and clasped my hands together.

“……Ab…… Abandon…… Wugh…… Huu……! Please…… Please abandon me……!”

I covered my face, lying at his feet. It felt like dozens of needles were endlessly piercing the backs of my hands.

“Ugh…… Huh……! Huu……!!”

I want to see him. No, I don’t want to see him……. Even just once, I want to see his face……. No, this rotten, festering heart is nothing. I wanted to tear out this cursed heart, to gouge it out. Longing was not always beautiful.

He quietly knelt down. He cradled my head, then grabbed my hair tightly. Even that movement was excruciating for me.

“Alright…… I’ll abandon you……”

I wept like my throat had been pierced by a harpoon. My cruelty, in committing an unforgivable sin against him, gutted me, spilling blood. In this moment, even words of apology would be an insult to him. I wanted to disappear into ashes, leaving no trace. I sobbed as if vomiting blood, and Raonhiljo just silently listened. After a long time, he grabbed my shoulder and gently lifted me. His figure filled my blurred vision. He looked as if he was in agony, as if his flesh had been torn off. His image wavered, sinking into the tears.

“I really wanted to do this properly. In a much grander place…….”

Raonhiljo took my dirt-stained hand. The warmth of his touch made my body tremble as if my shoulders would shatter.

“You’re…… cold and transparent. Purer than anyone else. I love you just as you are…….”

He looked deep into my eyes.

“Purple isn’t a cursed color that ensnares and corrupts people, but a pure and noble color……. Now…… I hope the one with purple eyes can live happily every day.”

Thump. The circulation of blood in my veins stopped. Raonhiljo gently cupped my forehead with his hand. His voice resonated softly once again.

“From this moment on, you are no longer a prostitute or a mongrel. From now on, your name is……”

I looked up at him with disbelieving eyes. My stopped heart pounded wildly.

“My lord……”

Our gazes met. What are you trying to do right now? What……?

The touch on my forehead was so unreal. Through his strong fingers, I saw Raonhiljo, who bore the dawn sky on his shoulders. Is it really okay for a lowly person like me to be bound with your soul? Despite my question, he remained unyielding. My wide eyes rippled like water. My wildly beating heart pounded throughout my entire body. It was a moment where I couldn’t breathe as I stared only at his lips.

“From now on, your name is……”

He gazed at me with deep, cool eyes. A sudden silence fell.

“From now on, your name is…… ‘Roha.’”

My heart pounded so fiercely it felt like it would burst. It was a moment where even the falling water, the moonlight, and the wind all held their breath. As the circulation of air stopped, a radiant energy illuminated the darkness. The light that spread in all directions unfolded like a transparent veil from the sky, then swirled around us in an instant.

A mystical energy, warm and refreshing like a blue hue, enveloped me in a giant band resembling him. The destination of the light was my eyes. The gentle energy seeped into my eyes, and just as a sharp pain pierced through, my vision faded. As my body staggered from the immense wave, a firm hand caught me. As the blue energy dissipated, the world slowly became clearer. Through the hazy vision, Raonhiljo’s eyes widened. He looked into my eyes and smiled softly.

“It’s truly beautifully engraved, Roha.”

Is he calling me…? Is that really my name…? Have I finally been given a name…?

Ro…ha…

It was a name that seemed fragile, as if it would shatter if spoken aloud. It felt like a reward for the horrendous days when even my existence was denied. Tears flowed endlessly. I bit my lip and cried, and cried some more, until my Hyung body melted away. He held me and listened to my sobs for as long as it took. Under the waterfall shrouded in mist, we held the naming ceremony. And we held the farewell ceremony. It was as if the arduous journey we had taken was solely for this moment; he gave his all. I’m truly relieved. I’m glad it was him…

I always thought it was a futile dream, that I would never have a name. Now, if someone asks me what my name is, I can finally answer. I’ll say that it’s the earnest wish of a man who cut me free, like slicing through raw flesh, and wished for the happiness of the one with violet eyes.

I was no longer a male prostitute. I was no longer a mongrel.

I became Roha… I left the continent on the Cheongryeong that Raonhiljo provided. He didn’t see me off. He didn’t say any parting words. There was no promise to meet again. So it truly felt like I had been abandoned by him.

Raonhiljo told me not to feel guilty. He said that all partings in the world are cruel, and that it’s something that happens to everyone. He told me just to live the rest of my days happily, as my heart desired, just like my name. Even his departing figure was beautiful. He taught me that there is such love in the world.

Since the naming ceremony, I’ve felt an oddly clear energy surrounding me. Could this be proof that our souls are connected…? I clutched at the spot in my chest that had been throbbing since earlier. If that’s the case, is the hole in my chest, this aching pain, mine or his…? It was impossible for me to be happy. I was cruel to him, but I couldn’t allow myself to be shameless. I will consider this guilt my burden and embrace it for the rest of my days. And I will pray for his happiness more than anyone else.

A voice drifted on the wind, lingering by my ear. I still don’t regret receiving a name from Raonhiljo. Far from it, I feel it was too much for me. If Raonhiljo hadn’t named me, I would never have thought of having a name. That was the promise between him and me.

***

I asked the Nati Tribe, who had brought me here, to stop by Imae Village. When we arrived on the Cheongryeong, the village had mostly crumbled due to the construction of the fortress, and the work had been left unfinished. A few scattered houses had lights on, suggesting someone might be living there. I jumped off the Cheongryeong and bowed to the Nati Tribe.

“Thank you. Please take care.”

“Weren’t you going to Naragaon Fortress?”

The Nati Tribe asked with a curious look. Without giving much of a reply, I pleaded with them not to tell Raonhiljo. After parting with the Nati Tribe, I walked for a while until I reached the house, just as the sun was setting. Opening the small gate, I saw a shabby thatched house. The house, blackened by fire, and the yard were overgrown with weeds, but it seemed untouched, as it looked the same as it did when it was destroyed.

The first thing I did was open my mother’s room. Everything inside was in disarray. Bloodstains, dark and dried, were still on the floor and walls, a grim reminder of that horrible day. My body temperature dropped sharply. I quickly shut the door. Sitting on the porch, I looked around the house. Though I had left Raonhiljo, this was where I had returned. No matter how much I struggled, I had ended up back where I started.

There was no place in the world without sorrow or pain. There was no miracle cure that could numb the sadness. Revenge wasn’t a remedy. Forgiveness couldn’t be a cure either. I was still wandering on that boundary. So, I decided to start over here. In this place, which had been a land of despair for me…

“Mother, I’m home.”

I said quietly as I looked around the house.

“I have a name now.”

***

The morning sunlight poured through the cracks in the papered door. A day had passed since I returned home. I enjoyed the lingering drowsiness for a moment, then suddenly got up. I hastily lifted the blanket and checked my feet. They were clean, much to my relief. Just in case, I had firmly bolted the door and hammered in three or four nails before bed. It would be troublesome to remove them each time I went out, but now there was no one left to take care of me if I wandered the streets, bewitched by a sleep demon.

Today, I planned to clean up the house and visit the place where my mother’s remains were buried. I couldn’t bring myself to open her room again, so I decided to leave it untouched for now. After washing my face, I looked at myself in the small mirror. When I looked into my eyes, I was startled. Usually, when the Imae Tribe holds a naming ceremony, the name is engraved in both eyes, but mine was only in the left eye. It was probably due to my mixed blood. Since it was engraved on the pupil, it wasn’t noticeable unless viewed closely in bright light. A letter, dark blue, etched onto my violet pupil…

It was me. It was my name.

“Roha…”

I softly called my name while wiping down the soot-stained walls. It still felt like wearing clothes that didn’t quite fit, and my whole body itched. Raonhiljo had said that in his effort to give me a good name, he had tried all sorts of things and had aged ten years from the stress. The sheet of paper he had given me after the naming ceremony, filled with names he had considered, showed how much he had agonized over it.

When had he found the time to think about it, despite being so busy? How did he ever come up with the idea of wishing for the happiness of a child with violet eyes…? It was astonishing. After a rough cleaning, I tidied up the yard. As I cut down the weeds covering the yard, I repeated it to myself. Roha. Roha… The crisp sound of the sickle blended with my name. No matter how many times I chewed it over and rolled it on my tongue, it never grew old—this miracle.

***

After finishing tidying up the house, I visited my mother’s grave on Hanaru Mountain. I thoroughly weeded the area around the grave and sat there for a long time. As dusk began to fall, I hurried down the mountain. I hadn’t eaten a single meal since arriving here, and even walking felt exhausting. As I descended into the village, I faintly smelled food. While I had secured a place to stay, finding food was still a problem. The butcher shop I passed on my way up the mountain earlier had been completely burned down. I saw a few unfamiliar faces, but judging by their wary glances, it didn’t seem like they would easily share their food with me. It didn’t matter. There was enough food for one person scattered in the mountains and fields. Strangely, it felt like I had truly returned to the past.

As I passed through the street bathed in the setting sun, I saw the house. But near it, a black-colored reptile was resting. The huge creature was undoubtedly Heukryeong. I looked at it in surprise as I entered the house. And the moment I found him standing in the yard, I froze.

He stood upright, motionless in one corner of the yard. Even though it was the familiar house I lived in, just his presence made it feel like a world apart. His once-handsome face was now slightly haggard, and his hair and clothes were disheveled. He looked as though he had just gotten out of bed, as if he had rushed here in such a hurry that he hadn’t even had time to fix his clothing. What would he say if I told him I had a name now?

He brushed his hair back and looked around the house, then noticed me standing at the gate. His hand, which had been combing through his hair, stopped. Our eyes met in the air. My heart pounded as if it had been caught in a massive wave. His hand slowly dropped from his head. Suddenly, his gaze locked onto my injured white leg, with only the roots remaining. His gaze, which had been fixed for a long time, slowly tangled with mine. The eyes of the wounded bird were filled with a great emptiness. We just stood there, not moving, without approaching each other. The only things moving were our hair and clothes fluttering in the wind. His voice, low and rough, broke the silence.

“It was hard to find where you were hiding since you concealed yourself so deeply. But thanks to that, I got to see a lot of the continent.”

His words sent a light shiver through my body. I lowered my eyes, barely supporting myself on trembling legs.

“Please leave.”

I don’t want to see you. I want to see you…

Being in the same space with you makes my skin crawl. I want to run to you and touch you…

Conflicting emotions relentlessly battered me. I froze my face to hide the trembling.

“If you have to leave because this is now Baedal Kingdom’s territory, I’ll be out of the house soon…”

“What do you expect me to do?”

The Black Martial Emperor didn’t leave; instead, he cut me off sharply.

“Please, do nothing. Your Majesty, just live as you always have. I’ll continue living this way too.”

A chilling gaze stubbornly clung to my forehead.

“I don’t feel any guilt. I don’t feel anything like that.”

By now, I was clenching my fists so tightly that it hurt. He spoke expressionlessly.

“But won’t you make me feel something like that?”

He added in a low voice.

“Then you can say it. Not just empty words, but from the heart.”

My pupils trembled like ripples on water.

“Why should I do that…?”

My vision blurred, and I lowered my gaze. A heat hotter than the summer sun enveloped my entire body.

“Why should I… for someone like you…?”

Despite my words, my heart pounded painfully. I thought that all the moisture had drained from my body that night, but it seemed there was still some left. The Black Martial Emperor’s gaze reached me even deeper.

“Because only you can make me feel that way.”

He, who had been stripped of his emotions, only reacted to me. With his arrogant face, he always spoke with his entire body. It felt like the sensation of falling from a great height. It was an unbearable tickle. If I told him that his thoughts never left my mind, that I thought about him so much that it felt like my brain was melting, what would he say? What kind of expression would he make if I told him that my heart stopped when I thought his had stopped? I knew that I would never meet anyone who fit the twilight as well as he did.

The love I knew was about embracing gently and enduring. But the madness he showed seemed like a mutation. Could this mutated emotion also be love? Could this sinful feeling of mine also be love? The wind from the ends of the earth swirled around us. Where would this wind take us? What was the red sky trying to tell us? I thought it was raining. Through the tears welling up in my eyes, he faded into the distance. On the edge between light and shadow, he… quickly approached the world where I stood.

Into the twilight, into the place where the light shattered…

After the Imae Tribe was annihilated, all the people who came to live in the village were from the Baedal Kingdom. It was well-known that they were particularly wary of the Imae Tribe, and I wondered why they had been so quiet until now. As expected, they started showing their true colors the day after the Black Martial Emperor’s visit.

As I was going through the household chores I had been putting off, including some old laundry, a dozen Baedal Kingdom people barged into the house. They all wore menacing expressions, holding pickaxes and sickles in their hands. One man, who seemed to be the leader, stepped forward.

“We’ve been watching you for days. We thought you’d leave today, or maybe tomorrow, but now it looks like you’ve settled in for good! We can’t take it anymore! When are you leaving? Set a date today!”

I smiled bitterly.

“This was originally my home, and the land belonged to the Imae Tribe. Why should I leave?”

“This land now belongs to the Baedal Kingdom, as it was conquered by the Black Martial Emperor! Although His Majesty suddenly halted the construction, it’s only a matter of time before it resumes. Then you’ll be forced out of here anyway! Haven’t you heard how much His Majesty detests the Imae Tribe? Just being from the Imae Tribe is enough reason to kick you out!”

“But is he really from the Imae Tribe? His skin is so white, his eyes are purple… he doesn’t look like the usual Imae Tribe.”

“Can’t you tell just by looking?! It’s a mongrel! A mongrel!”

Was it so unbearable to see someone occupy a tiny corner of such an isolated place? It was always the same tiresome people wherever I went.

“If you don’t like seeing me, then avoid me. There’s no need to pay attention to this remote place.”

“Did you think we wouldn’t know that the Imae Tribe eats human flesh? You monster! Because of you, we can’t even let our children out of the house! If you don’t leave the Village immediately, we’ll cut off your head and hang it at the Village entrance!”

The people glared at me, ready to pounce at any moment. I coldly glanced at each of the men occupying the yard.

“Don’t worry. I only eat people when I find them worth it.”

“You scoundrel! Do you need to feel some pain to come to your senses?!”

“Save the remaining horn! They say it’s good for health, so let’s use this chance to nourish ourselves!”

One man restrained me while the others charged at me, swinging sickles and pickaxes. At that moment, someone twisted the arms of the men holding the weapons. It was Usa and Unsa who twisted their arms. Unsa clicked his tongue at me.

“You really have it tough. It’s like this everywhere you go.”

Usa, who was beside him, snatched a sickle from one of the men and threw it far away.

“Surely you weren’t thinking of swinging this sickle at that kid, right? It’d be best to stop. Because a very scary person is about to arrive here soon.”

“Who, who are you?! I don’t know who you are, but stay out of this!”

Though the man tried to sound threatening, he was clearly intimidated by the powerful aura of the officials’ robes.

“Y-You look like officials from the Baedal Kingdom, but instead of taking the lead in driving out the monster, you’re siding with it! What is this…?! We don’t want to share the same ground as this flesh-eating monster!”

“That’s right! This is clearly our matter, so stay out of it! Don’t you know how much Black Martial Emperor despises the Imae Tribe?! If you keep interfering, we won’t stand idly by either! We’ll file a petition and report all your misdeeds!”

The people raised their voices in unison. Unsa shrugged his shoulders lightly and spoke.

“This is scary; my legs are trembling. Since I don’t feel like explaining it in detail, if you value your one life, you should leave this place… Oh dear…”

Unsa looked somewhere and furrowed his brows. At the end of his gaze stood Black Martial Emperor. He walked into the yard through the gate and locked eyes with me, surrounded by the people. I averted his gaze. Black Martial Emperor, with a pipe in his mouth, looked around at the gathered crowd and spoke.

“What’s this? A Village festival?”

The people gulped in fear, overwhelmed by the unique aura emanating from Black Martial Emperor. Although they had heard endless stories about Black Martial Emperor, they didn’t seem to realize that the person standing before them was the very subject of those tales. Unsa pulled his lips into a thin smile.

“How did you know? It seems the Village people are throwing a festival to welcome that kid. But as you know, that kid is terribly shy, so he’s politely refusing.”

Black Martial Emperor slowly scanned the sickles and pickaxes in the people’s hands. Unsa let out a small sigh and began to disperse the crowd.

“I understand your feelings, but let’s postpone the festival for another time and head back home.”

***

The people quickly withdrew, and the guards also left the area. Black Martial Emperor held a pheasant dripping with blood. He said he still felt no guilt and asked me to make him feel such emotions. I didn’t respond. Black Martial Emperor left without saying anything else, but he soon returned like this. Although he was the reason I ended up in this house, the fact that he frequented it was hard to bear. He tossed the pheasant onto the veranda and turned his gaze toward me.

“Have you had breakfast? Sit down. I’ll prepare it for you.”

“I’ve already eaten.”

At my cold response, he slid his gaze to me.

“Doesn’t look like it from the state you’re in.”

Black Martial Emperor pinned the pheasant to the ground and pulled out a dagger. I noticed his hand. The hand gripping the pheasant’s wing had an unnaturally straightened index finger. It was the finger he had once tried to feed me. Sensing my gaze, he raised an eyebrow and said nonchalantly.

“If this appeals to you more, just say so. It was yours in the first place.”

He took a drag from his cigarette and narrowed his eyes.

“The Imae Tribe left a long time ago, but the stench still lingers.”

“Then don’t come here. Why bother coming all this way and making things difficult for yourself?”

“Because you’re here.”

Black Martial Emperor curtly replied and focused on preparing the meat. Ignoring the heart that trembled faintly, I went back inside. I could vaguely sense Black Martial Emperor’s presence outside, but he didn’t break down the door or forcibly drag me out.

I opened a sheet of paper and sat in front of the blank canvas. I had planned to draw to my heart’s content for several days, but nothing came to mind. Being with him made it hard to control my emotions. Ignoring his presence was impossible as it suffocated me.

I tried to take a nap, but even that felt like sitting on pins and needles. Then I remembered the laundry I had hung out earlier. After some hesitation, I went outside to find Black Martial Emperor still sitting there, smoking. I tried hard not to be conscious of him as I picked up the basket on the stepping stone. While I was hanging the laundry, a hand suddenly reached out and snatched it from me. I stared blankly at the laundry in Black Martial Emperor’s hand and held out my hand.