The Love They Never Had

The very next day, my father and myself were to set off to the army camp in Liadong. I had done everything in my power to avoid Yeon all day, but in fact she didn't even try to approach me at all, which just made my nerves shoot through the roof. But my father's checklist took up most of my day so I didn't even have the time to worry about her stay in my home alone even if I wanted to. I didn't even notice that I kept peeking at my door to at least catch a glimpse of her before I left until the new maid and the rest of them noticed it and started to whisper amongst themselves. The very last thing I needed was to bring trouble to Yeon as I left her on her own for the first time just like I did to everyone else, so I tried my best to switch off what little emotions I had left until we reached the cold and dark camp that already smelt like death. But I finally got the chance to focus on my goals, no matter how they came about. But during the long and cold nights, I did wonder about the poem she almost spewed at me in her almost comical anger at me in her quarters that day. I was still angry about it, but it did bring a smile to my lips despite myself, but it proved to be a good distraction for the disastrous tea party that took place between Hui-Jee and myself before I came here. She made her stance clear with me and I already knew long ago that she had chosen him over me. So why couldn't I stop myself? Why did I still have to pursue her? Was it because of her beauty? Yes, she was very beautiful, but coming from the noble class I knew that beauty didn't last, it never did. She was bold and brazen...in fact she had more in common with the new Yeon now that I thought about it. I saw the hole that she had made through my door and I was honestly stunned at first, but then I decided to do nothing about it. It wasn't like I had anything to hide anyways and although I could never ever admit this to anyone...I was a little grateful to her again for caring so much about me even if she didn't remember me at all.

But as I went to the military camp, I focused my efforts solely on wining over General Yi Seong-Gye, who was rumoured to be the next contender to the throne of this nation for a number of years now. It was through him that I had a chance to enter the palace on my own rather than have my father use his nepotistic tendencies to their fullest potential. Nobody knew this apart from myself, but my father had bribed his way through the court and had used the name of his more successful siblings for years before he could get the general to look at him, but I wasn't determined not to use the same methods. It was already bad enough that everyone had assumptions that I was exactly like him since I was his only child left and I had big plans here. I could only hope and pray that my father would be busy enough with his own work and leave me alone to at least catch my breath. But images of Seo Hwi being somewhere here out of my sight was worrying me enough to rob me of my sleep. And there were a lot of people who wanted to get the General's attention and Hui-Jee wasn't the only woman on my mind. Hwi would have never had the chance to come here and fight this war even if he did win the exam because he had his sickly sister to look after. He worried about her every single day as if he were her father and now the responsibility of this girl...woman fell onto me. We had never left Yeon alone for an entire day in case she had one of her fits. So I had to see Hwi early in the morning and bring him home by lunch time so he could keep checking up on her. But maybe I was worrying too much? She had been in my home for over some months now and she hadn't had a single fit. And I saw how she handled those bratty maids by herself, and she left me more than impressed. But she was still only 17 now and I had no choice but to leave her behind with a bunch of male guards. Hwi would kill me for that if he knew, and could only hope that I was doing the right thing by her.

Maybe...maybe I should have gotten a little closer to her over the time that she was by my side instead of always paying attention to the damned rules. She was a funny little thing that I still couldn't quite make out; her body and face were so womanly and yet her manner of speech was still a little childish, but I suspect she was just being deliberate now. The way she was before, she could barely hold her head up to address me, and now she always looked right at me every-time she spoke as if she was trying to gauge a reaction from me. But I guess that I couldn't fault her for that, she was only trying to remember who I was. That was all...I think.

Over the next few weeks, I did everything I could to get the general's attention, even if it meant breaking my father's rules and talking aloud instead of simply replying when spoken to. That did cost me some, but at least it was working. Much to my father's chagrin, I kept volunteering willingly for even the most lowliest of jobs around the camp. I was already very used to the humiliation that I endured from my own father and doing all of these things were not in my plan, but couldn't just use the same old tricks that everyone else was using. Even the general himself seemed to look through all of these tricks, such as serving him last minute, sending him gifts, running last minute errands and brining servants for information. "It isn't a crime to be comfortable in your own skin, you know. What use is it to follow trends if everyone is doing the exact same thing all of the time? Do you really value yourself so little that you are willing to erase your self-worth by copying everyone and getting nowhere? I know that you are an intelligent man, Nam Seon-Ho. So why do you not just believe in yourself, even if no-one around you does and let that be enough?"

Yeon's words once again found a way to blissfully distract me as I made my way around the entire camp so I could familiarise myself with every little nuance and report anything out of the ordinary since my father was now choosing to punish me by keeping me out of the general's tent as much as possible. I was more patient than I had ever been, and seeing images of Hwi everywhere actually brought me a little peace for the first time in a long time. It was almost like he was here with me, by my side as usual and cracking some lame joke or complaining about something or another. He was shy compared to me and rarely undressed himself for anything unless it was to swim after our sparring sessions. He smelled of iron and metals since he worked as a blacksmith for a pittance but I had long gotten used to it, so it didn't bother me anymore, in fact, it was a smell that I always treasured since it was always unique to say the least...

"Good afternoon Master Nam." I could only roll my eyes at the glaringly obvious tone of the woman who had just entered a military camp in all of her fine silk. Lady Min was a short and stout noble woman who practically smothered herself with excessive jewellery, bright coloured clothes made of the finest silk and white shoes of all things. Even the previous Yeon wasn't this clueless and naive, and I had a really hard time trying to control my facial expressions. "My Lady, what on earth are you doing here...." "I haven't seen you since the military exam, so I thought I would accompany my sister whilst she caught up with her husband and father-in-law. Will you please inform the King of our presence?"

This was the first time that the Lady Min had directly approached me since crossing paths with her in the palace more than once, and it was only in this moment that I finally realised that I was being introduced to the sister-in-law of the infamous third son of the general who was feared by all, especially illegitimate children like me whom he killed on a whim for his own entertainment. And she wasn't exactly the great beauty that her sister liked to talk about non-stop, but I had more important things to worry about than some bratty noblewoman showing herself off in a war where people were sick, underfed, underpaid and dying off for some reason or another.

I re-introduced myself and I escorted her to the tent, but she kept getting her shoes stuck and complaining non-stop about where she was as if she really did not know what was going on at all. It was women like this who churned my stomach more than my own father did, if that was even possible. We were only together a few minutes and I had to let her practically lean on my arm to get her through the oh-so painful 10 minute walk that she had to endure from her expensive carriage whilst her sister ran into the arms of the prince as soon as she set her eyes on him, only to be almost thrown to the ground by him, although no-one said anything at all. This prince was not on good terms with my father and therefore also avoided me as much as he could. Not that I was complaining; I wanted as little to do with him as possible, although had to figure out how to avoid him if I wanted to enter the palace.

I made my way back into the tent and I did as I was asked, and just as I was about to leave, the Lady Min invited me to dine with herself and the general out of nowhere. I could only look up at her in shock as she seemed to have her eyes fixated on me from the moment that she approached me. But it was nothing like how Yeon used to look at me, which I now had to admit was sort of cute at the time. No, this gaze of her's was something else and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. But it got me an invite to dine with the general, and the best thing was that my father was nowhere in sight at all. But the general knew what my father had done to get me here, and now I had to change his mind about me. I was a young ambitious man and I was eager to learn everything that my father refused to teach me. And with this, hopefully I could begin to fix the mess I had created with the Seo's and finally prove my worth to Hui-Jee and make her take me more seriously.