The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Many things were difficult in life: relationships, bureaucracy, city planning, resource management… and being forced to cooperate with someone who had tried to destroy an entire town. There were so many holes in the gnome’s story that it would make a sieve seem solid. The whole idea that the creature had spent a few weeks floating in the sky and miraculously transformed from an obsessed world conqueror to mild-mannered tinkerer was absurd. Not only that, but it went against all existing proof. While it was true that the gnome hadn’t ransacked the nearby town, it might not have been due to lack of trying. As it turned out, creating mechanical constructs was quite difficult with the limited resources at Switches’ disposal. Of all the things he had initially managed to assemble from the junk scavenged from Forest Marsh, all he had was the brigand leader and a handful of rickety scarecrows. It was no accident that the first brigand attacks occurred after dark, heavily relying on the victims’ imagination. After that, it was simple. The gnome used the materials he snatched to increase the gang’s size and made use of any magic trinkets he found in the process.

One could only admire the gnome’s ingenuity. He had managed to transform an old thief hideout into a workshop from where all his armies were controlled. The leader was the only one who had any semblance of actual intelligence, brought to life through the only remaining demon core fragment that Switches had kept on himself. For all practical purposes, he was no different from an advanced version of the sentient armor constructs that “Lord Mandrake” used as elite forces.

How the mighty have fallen, Theo thought as he looked at the chaos of the gnome’s workshop. There were flooded cellars in better condition than this.

“Take a seat somewhere,” the gnome said, while going through the piles of devices.

The avatar looked around. The room was made infinitely smaller due to a combination of creature carcasses, sacks of coins and looted items, rusty component parts, and large complex devices of questionable function and quality.

“And people complain dungeons are messy,” Theo’s avatar whispered.

“Help yourself to anything you like. I won’t be needing all this once I start working for you.”

“How convenient…” The avatar sighed, but still skimmed through a few piles of loot, using telekinesis.

Most of the contents could be considered valuable for the average person, but were of no significance for a dungeon. Even the magical items were vastly disappointing. Every now and again, Theo would come across something that had a bit more magic in it. When in doubt, though, the dungeon decided to have his avatar pick them up and worry about their usefulness later.

Meanwhile, the trio of adventurers had the thankless job of rounding up the remaining brigands. Their adrenalin levels were so high that they rushed to do it without even fully hearing out Theo’s crafty explanation. Naturally, the “brigands” had switched from attacking to retreating, leading the adventurers in circles and safely away from the gnome’s workshop.

“Ah, found it!” Switches shouted triumphantly, holding a magic gem necklace. “This should do it, right?”

The dungeon avatar looked at it, casting an identify spell. The necklace indeed had significant anti-magic properties. An ordinary wizard would be significantly hindered when facing someone with it. Not Theo, though.

“That’s it?” the avatar asked. “Doesn’t look like much.”

“It has sentimental value. One of the few trinkets I had from my Mandrake days. Well, actually, it was something else from which I made the necklace, but it still counts. It was useful the first few times, back when I had only Annie and a few clanks. It managed to impress the locals, I can tell you that. Afterwards, it became more bothersome than it was worth, so I stashed it here to keep it safe.”

“Safe must mean something very different in your world.” The avatar took a few steps forward and took the necklace.

“So, what’s the plan?” Switches rubbed his hands. “We go with the story that you saved me from the evil brigands?”

“That’s… not a bad idea, but I’m not sure it’ll fly. The brigands are supposed to be ruthless and merciless, remember?”

The avatar tucked the necklace in his belt. He had been pondering ways to get rid of Switches for the last twenty minutes. Killing him was one option, yet even after everything that had occurred. there was a lingering shred of doubt that Switches had indeed turned a new leaf. Neither Theo nor his spirit guide could convince themselves to go through with it, and there was no one else who’d believe the story. That said, the dungeon still didn’t want anything to do with him.

“Look, thanks for the help and all, but—”

“Baron!” a voice came from outside the building. “I think we got all of them!”

Huh? The avatar almost jumped. He was certain that the heroes would need hours to finish the brainless task he had given them. Apparently, they were much better than he gave them credit for. This caused a serious problem. If they were to find out that the brigands’ stronghold was, in fact, a gnome’s workshop, there would be a lot of uncomfortable questions. Theo had planned to destroy the whole thing long before they arrived, then think up a convincing lie to cover everything up. Now that this was impossible, he had to act fast.

Turning around, he cast an indestructible aether sphere round Switches. The anti-magic necklace attempted to interfere with the spell, requiring him to use five times the normal amount of energy. It was a bad waste at the worst possible time, but there was no choice.

Without a word of apology, the avatar then cast as powerful a fireball as he could afford.

Fire burst through the wooden building, bursting out of walls and windows. That was not all. In his haste to get rid of the incriminating evidence, the dungeon had forgotten a few minor details: one was that large explosions tended to displace everything that wasn’t very firmly nailed down, and two—the contraptions Switches had created helped increase the force of the explosion by a factor of ten.

Unable to withstand the force within, the wooden structure popped like a popcorn kernel, sending a circle of fire and debris, including Theo’s avatar, in all directions.

“Ice wall!” the avatar shouted, raising a barrier to prevent the wave of fire harming his companions.

A thick block of ice rose up, then almost instantly melted just as the avatar crashed into it. It might have managed to save three people, but even his ice wall couldn’t withstand the raw power of the blast that had instantly transformed that section of the forest into a bog.

“Baron!” Amelia shouted. “Are you alright?”

The question managed to make the dungeon feel even worse. This wasn’t something that anyone hit by a wave of fire should be forced to answer. Quickly, the avatar checked that the necklace was still with him. Thankfully, it was. Surprisingly, the clothes hadn’t suffered as badly as one could have feared. Although slightly singed, they were still wearable, at least until the avatar got back to the tavern. There, he’d conjure a new set.

“Baron?” Ulf rushed through the ice remnants. “Can you—”

“Stop!” Theo’s avatar said sharply. “If anyone asks one more stupid question, I’ll leave you here to walk the way back to Rosewind.”

All three adventures froze silent. Brigands were one thing. Having to walk through a marsh, then miles without food, water, or proper amenities was more than they were ready to handle.

“You got all the brigands?” The avatar looked at Avid.

“Err, yes?” The young man hesitated. “I think we did. At least I didn’t see any more of them.”

“Good enough. We’re heading back to town.” Straightening up, he then walked right past the trio and back in the direction they had originally come from.

“I think he’s mad,” Amelia whispered from behind him.

“You think?” Ulf replied in a whisper. “What gave you that idea, your ladyship?”

“Shut up, you idiot! It’s serious! He’s not even using magic. You know how much he likes to use magic. All this must be to teach us a lesson.”

“Either that or the final fight must have been quite difficult,” Avid added. “I’ve never seen him use such powerful fire spells, even back when the goblins were attacking.”

“It’s a well-known fact that fire’s the best way to destroy an undead necromancer.” Ulf tapped Avid on the shoulder. “I’m sort of sad I didn’t get to see him. To need such a blast to die… he must have been something extraordinary.”

“What did you expect?” Amelia humphed. “For the Baron to be sent, he had to be this powerful, at least. Noble quests don’t just happen.”

The whispers of speculation continued all the way out of the forest. Every few minutes, Theo was almost about to turn around and shush them when he’d hear something flattering and decide to allow the conversation to continue for a while longer. By the time the group reached the village, the story had grown to such an extent that Theo himself had difficulty distinguishing between truth and fiction.

Just as before, all conversations stopped the moment the door creaked open. Upon seeing the Baron and all the rest, whispers emerged.

“Tough first day?” the innkeeper asked. “Looks like you had quite the thrilling experience. We’ve had groups ten times the size vanish without a trace.”

“We’re all fine.” As you can clearly see.

The dungeon’s avatar took a few steps forward, at which point the people at the nearest table quickly stood up, freeing the space. Since Theo wasn’t human, this wasn’t needed, but he did appreciate the gesture, as well as the option to partially hide the wretched state of his clothes.

A tavern boy rushed to the table carrying a large pitcher. Food soon followed, transforming the barren surface into a banquet.

“What did they throw at you this time?” someone asked.

“Nothing much.” The avatar sat leaned back. “We—”

“Killed over a hundred brigands!” Amelia proclaimed proudly. “Mostly the baron, but we helped as well. The baron decapitated the brigand leader, then used a fireball to destroy the entire brigands’ stronghold!”

Murmurs filled the room as the patrons nodded in agreement.

“It was quite a fight. Half the forest got burned up. If there was a bard there, we’d be listening to songs of the feat for centuries! On that note, is there a bard in town? I’d like to hire his services.”

“That’s enough, Amelia,” the avatar growled. “Just sit down and eat your food.”

The action was mistaken for modesty. In reality, Theo just wanted a bit of quiet. The faster that they finished their dinner, the faster that could happen.

“Is it true?” someone asked. “Did you kill the brigand leader?”

Here we go… Theo sighed internally.

“Yes, we did,” he replied with somber annoyance.

“You got his head?” another inquired.

Instead of an answer, the avatar took the anti-magic necklace from his belt and raised it high in the air. Seeing it was all the proof needed. Few of the people had seen the brigand leader in person. However, they had heard descriptions of the necklace: a crude piece of jewelry composed of cursed gems that glowed in an eerie light. While all that could hold true for any trinket, its ability to drain light, making its surroundings dimmer, was quite distinguishable.

There was a moment of calm, followed immediately by an eruption of cheers. Everyone shouted, glad to witness the end of the brigands, as if they had had an actual part in it. People congratulated each other, then raised their glasses at the baron, grateful to him for the monumental achievement. Things didn’t end there. More food appeared, as well as alcohol that just moments ago couldn’t be found. Convinced that the good times were about to return, the inn wasted no time in starting the celebration.

People rushed out, eager to spread the news to other parts of town, yelling in the streets about the end of the brigand nightmare. Soon enough, everyone in town was celebrating, filling the air with shouts of joy.

“Just what I needed…” Theo grumbled. If he hadn’t lacked the energy, he’d have cast a portal to get his avatar back to Rosewind. Unfortunately, the battle, as well as the daily halving due to his condition, had all but exhausted the dungeon’s reserves. That left him with no choice but to remain and endure.

The celebration turned into two, then ten, then more. Locals would enter the tavern, only to give Theo a tap on the back, and possibly listen to the ridiculous stories the junior adventurers were telling. Just when things started to calm down, a new keg of wine or beer would be rolled in, starting everything from the beginning.

The partying kept on until the early hours of the morning. Around five o’clock, finally the people were left with no more strength to continue. This time Theo didn’t hesitate, flying out of the inn before anything else unexpected happened.

Relaxing on a nearby roof, the avatar leaned back and relaxed. Strictly speaking, the quest was a disaster. The trinkets he’d earned were nowhere enough to satiate his hunger. At best, they’d provide a few days—a week at most—of peace, after which the annoying messages would emerge again. The celebration of the local people was the only good thing that had come from it all. Thinking about it, though, maybe that wasn’t so bad.

The avatar lay back and closed his eyes. After a while, he opened them up again, only to see a rather large beaked head above him. For several moments, each looked at the other, not daring to blink.

“Octavian?” the avatar asked.

The creature squawked loudly.

“I guess I’m not the only one who didn’t enjoy the party?” The baron sat up.

The large griffin clumsily made his way along the roof and sat next to him. It was a weird sight to be sure: a slightly singed adventurer and a large royal griffin sitting on the roof in silence.

“Managed to find any food while we were gone?”

The griffin didn’t reply.

“Yeah, I thought not. Don’t worry, I’ll get you something tomorrow. If there’s anyone awake.”

The way people celebrated, one would think there wouldn’t be any tomorrow. It was a bit different back in Rosewind. Of course, in that case, there was a lot of cleaning to do, even with the dungeon rebuilding most of the town.

Theo took the necklace again and looked at it. The only real use it had was to prove his achievement. While it would make his spells a bit most costly, it didn’t negate their effect. If he could trade it for a creature core rich in energy and action points, he’d do it. For a moment, he had even been tempted to try to consume it just to see what would happen. Spok had dissuaded this with somewhat graphic explanations of what effects might befall him should he do so. Temporary loss of structure didn’t sound at all good, especially since it was often accompanied by sections of his body crumbling.

“The hero and the griffin,” a female voice said. “I should have guessed it would be yours.”

Looking down, the avatar saw the familiar figure of Red Orchid. The woman seemed very much sober.

“No partying for you?” the avatar asked.

“I tend not to. That’s why I deal with the guild’s business matters.”

The avatar nodded.

“See you tomorrow, Octavian.” He patted the griffin on the side, then elegantly floated down off the roof. “Do we need to go to your guild?”

“That would be preferable. I don’t particularly like to discuss business in the open. Besides, it seems like you could use some new clothes. Tough fight, from what I hear.”

“Yeah, don’t believe all that. It’s a lot more boring than you’d think.”

“I am sure,” the woman said with a sly smile, suggesting she didn’t believe him one bit.

The way they entered the Crystal Coronet was different from last time. Instead of walking through the main entrance, Orchid took the avatar down an alley and along a secret passage that “only a few of the guild members knew.” Quite a convenient way for people to enter and leave unnoticed, one had to admit. The importance was lost on Theo, who only wanted to get everything done as fast as possible.

“You’ll find some clothes in there.” Red pointed to a room along the small corridor. “Once you’re done, just go on forward. I’ll be waiting for you in the work study.”

Grumbling a thank you, the avatar stepped inside. Finding it suspicious that he was left unguarded, the avatar cast a mass identify spell on everything in the room. After a while, it became clear that the clothes were in fact just clothes, even if they were on the expensive side. If nothing else, the guild seemed true to their word, at least so far.

“What do you think, Spok?” the dungeon asked back in his main body. “Do you think it’s a trap?”

“The possibility exists, sir. Personally, I think they’re more concerned with being seen having relations with you than anything else.”

“And why would that be?”

“Well, it’s just a guess, but you’d notice that among the dozens of people who came to congratulate you—”

“Hundreds...” Theo corrected.

“Of the hundreds of people that came to congratulate you, there wasn’t a single noble or member of the guard.”

The dungeon was just about to argue when he realized that Spok was right. There hadn’t been a single noble in sight, not to mention that the local castle had been the only place not to join in the cheer. Back in Rosewind, he couldn’t keep the nobles away; they were constantly approaching him with one deal or another.

“You think they suspect?”

“Not at all, sir. I just think they don’t appreciate outside nobles meddling in their business. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them had already made some sort of arrangement with the so-called brigands, which suited them quite well. You coming in and succeeding where many others had failed is bound to make them appear silly.”

“Hmm...”

“Not to the point that they’d try anything against you. Nonetheless, I would recommend that you leave as soon as possible.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

Discarding the singed rags he had been wearing since the fight, the avatar put on the new set of clothes. He had no idea whether they were comfortable. What mattered was that they appeared presentable. After a final quick check to make sure he hadn’t forgotten any of his other belongings, the baron left the room, carrying the necklace in his left hand.

One quick glance showed him that no guards, or anyone else for that matter, had appeared in the corridor. Taking that as a good sign, the avatar made his way to the door at the very end and stepped inside. The study was identical to what it had been a day ago, with the sole difference that a small chest had been placed on the table this time.

“I’d offer you something to drink, but I assume you’ve had more than enough already.” Red Orchid welcomed him.

“How kind.” The avatar sat down, placing the necklace on the table as he did so. “And what’s that?”

“Your reward, of course.” The woman reached out and took the necklace. “Such a small thing, but enough to create such a ruckus. You might be surprised, but only a handful of people thought you’d succeed. I’m sad to say I wasn’t among them.”

“Why not?” Theo’s ego got the better of him.

“As I mentioned last time, you aren’t the first that’s come here with grand plans. Usually, the greater the celebrity, the more spectacular the failure. There was talk that the heroine Liandra did most of the work during your previous noble quest and while fighting Lord Mandrake’s armies. Given that she’s a hero of considerable lineage, I’m sure you’d understand.”

Theo did, but wasn’t willing to admit it openly. Instead, he had his avatar cross his arms.

“Once I found who you were sent to babysit, I had no doubt that you’d avoid any serious fight and pull back at the first sign of danger. I’m glad to see that I was mistaken.”

“After what you said last time, how can I believe you’re telling me the truth?”

“Because I’ve nothing to gain by lying. It’s all up to you, of course. In this chest,” she said, placing her hand on it, “is a letter with the official guild seal, confirming that you have completed the noble quest. There’s also a reward I hope you find adequate.”

“I’m not particularly interested in gold.”

“I’m perfectly aware of the funds you have.”

I doubt it, Theo thought. For all practical purposes, he possessed an infinite amount of gold. In fact, he had so much gold that lately he was forced to restrain himself from spending it.

“That is why I thought that you might appreciate something slightly different.”

Intrigued, Theo’s avatar pulled the chest towards him, then opened it. A large yellow parchment was visible on top, sealed with green wax. Beneath lay a single silver key, decorated with diamonds. Uncertain of the key’s significance, Theo cast an identify spell on it.

OPEN-ALL (Rare Artifact)

Has the ability to open any standard and minor-magic lock.

“That’s...” the baron began.

“Please, don’t thank me,” Red interrupted. “You’ve done a service to the town and my guild in particular. They may have been just a bunch of brigands to you, but they had cut off the lifeblood of this town.”

Theo wanted to say that the item was trash, but given the speech just now decided against it. He had no need to unlock anything, and even if he did, there was a wide variety of spells that did just that. Having something clunky as a key to do the same was pointless.

“I do what I can.” He closed the chest. “I get the feeling that the local nobles don’t share your enthusiasm.”

“So, you noticed? I shouldn’t have expected anything less. You already know that the Earl of Rosewind isn’t particularly liked. His desire to become a duke has ruffled a lot of feathers. It wasn’t by chance that no help was sent when you faced Lord Mandrake.”

I’m really not interested in all that, Theo wanted to say. All he cared about was getting rid of his hunger effect. The nobles were welcome to keep on playing their games for as long as they liked.

“You are even more disliked. For one, you’re a fresh face, for another you saved the town of Rosewind and even established a... close relation with the heroine Liandra, according to rumors.”

What?! Several doors in Rosewind slammed in anger and surprise.

“Having you score another win here for your town won’t go down well.”

“In that case,” the avatar said, standing up, “I better get going. Thank you for the key... and the letter.”

“Don’t mention it,” Red Orchid replied with a smile. “I’ll be keeping an eye on you. If you need any assistance in the future, don’t hesitate to let me know. The Crystal Coronet will do its best to oblige.”