The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

The sun rose to find a very quiet and hungover Karlston. The only people who hadn’t taken part in the night long celebrations were those who weren’t thrilled by the end of the brigands to begin with. Yet even the cool breeze did little to hide the smell of alcohol that came from every house, inn, and tavern. The few people awake desperately wished they weren’t, finding themselves in a whole new realm of massive headaches and thundering noises. This was perfect for Theo, who could get his avatar back without making any fuss. Two-thirds of his companions, however, couldn’t disagree more. Things had started quite calm initially, until they had reluctantly accepted a glass of wine, mead, or possibly something slightly stronger. Next thing they knew there was this long blur that continued throughout the night and into the morning. At present, they were being tortured by Baron d’Argent into the completely unfeasible task of getting ready for travel.

“Don’t you have a spell that could help?” Amelia groaned, holding her head. Somehow she had managed to wrap all the rope she’d bought round her armor, making her look like a mix between a caterpillar and a fly in a spiderweb.

“Who do you think I am?” the avatar asked, deliberately raising his voice a bit. “I told you not to go overboard. This is what you get for not listening!”

Beside her, struggling to keep his eyes open, Avid stood tilted to the side. He hadn’t done much better, standing there with a bucket on his head instead of a helmet. This was his first time getting drunk, and in all likelihood the last.

Ulf, in contrast, was the same as he had always been. As one used to partying and alcohol, last night had been little more than a slightly more lively evening. With a smile of sympathy, he removed the bucket from Avid’s head. Yet even he didn’t dare untangle Amelia.

Theo’s avatar raised a finger, about to go on a tirade, but one look at Avid and Amelia’s pitiful expressions made him reconsider. There was no point in criticizing them, anyway. He wasn’t their mentor or anything. Besides, the faster they all returned to Rosewind, the better.

Using telekinesis, the avatar removed the ropes, placing them neatly on the ground, then enveloped both Avid and Amelia in aether shield bubbles.

“Is the innkeeper awake?” he asked Ulf, dragging the bubbled adventurers behind him.

“Not sure. He drank quite a lot last night.”

The avatar summoned a few gold coins from his dimensional ring. “Let’s go check.”

The room downstairs was full of people—most of them snoring on the floor. The innkeeper was awake, as well as the bar hands. By the looks of things, dealing with drunk visitors had been quite common, at least before the brigands had shown up. Now, with everything back to normal, they had gone back to their daily activities of putting the more affluent patrons to rest at a table, and toss the rest out.

Theo placed a handful of gold coins on the counter in front of the innkeeper. The man was obviously grateful to the point that he handed the avatar a rather large bottle of alcohol. Supposedly, the concoction was extremely rare and had a drop of “dragon blood,” whatever that was, to raise the potency a bit. Accepting it with the sincerity of a shifty merchant, the dungeon’s avatar put it in the ring, then followed the stable boy to get their horses.

The animals had been well fed and tended to, so much so that they were reluctant to leave the comfortable stable. A few nudges, along with their owners being tossed on their saddles like sacks of potatoes, convinced them it was time to go.

It was a long trip out of town, accompanied by groaning and frequent vomiting. If there was such a thing as a sobering spell, Theo would have learned it. Sadly, healing magic didn’t affect alcohol.

About a mile from the town walls, Avid’s griffin swooped down, landing beside the rest of the horses.

“Finally,” the avatar said with a grumble. “Everyone ready to head back?”

Before anyone could say a word, he created a portal leading back to Rosewind and shoved everyone through. Making sure he hadn’t missed anyone, the avatar then stepped through himself.

Instantly, the group was greeted by a wave of screeching that was usual for this time in the morning. The royal griffins had set off in search of food, which included begging from the townspeople. It was the inherently catlike part of the creatures that made them so capricious. Sadly, it was also that which made people like them so much.

“Take them to the castle,” the avatar said with a sigh.

“What about you, Baron?” Ulf asked. “Don’t you want to tell the earl about—”

“Later. Just drop them off and go see your uncle.”

The avatar marched in the direction of his main building.

“Wait, wait! Can you tell Cmyk to come celebrate? I’ll gather the usual crowd and… you can come as well, of course.”

Theo wasn’t listening. The only thing on his mind was to consume the trinkets before today’s annoying message.

The door opened as the avatar neared it. Normally, he’d avoid such an open display of his powers, but since everyone already considered him a mage, he didn’t bother. Instantly, he rushed down to his core.

“Welcome back, of sorts, sir.” Spok appeared a few steps behind to welcome him.

The spirit guide was wearing a new set of clothes—which the dungeon found annoying, since there was no need for it. The only reason Theo went through tons of clothes was because having his avatar go into the open tended to be devastative for fabrics one way or another. Spok, on the other hand, enjoyed the safety, and cleanliness, of Rosewind.

“Flaunting your clothes again?” Both Theo and his avatar grumbled simultaneously. Compared to her, the avatar looked like a pauper.

“As the person overseeing your affairs on the council, it’s mandatory that I keep up appropriate appearances. Unless you’d prefer to deal with them in person now that your avatar is here?”

The avatar turned around, pretending not to have heard the comment. The spirit guide’s explanation trumped any argument he might have. Worse, it made Theo feel a certain degree of sympathy towards her. Being seen as an eccentric mage had its unexpected benefits, shabby dressing being one of them.

Summoning the trinkets from his ring, Theo tossed them one by one into his core. Each time an item was consumed, his core points jumped by a small amount. Even by local standards, the items would pass for mediocre at best. Clearly, Switches hadn’t been in it for the money.

“What do you think?” the dungeon asked.

“It’s better than collecting slime cores,” the woman replied, indicating that she didn’t believe the loot was worth a lot either. “Maybe it’ll stop your cravings for a few days, maybe a week. It seems that noble quests alone won’t be enough to sustain it in the long run, unless, of course, your condition ends up being temporary.”

“Maybe if you’d do some research and find what the condition actually is, I’d know what to do,” Theo snapped back.

He had gone through all the gathered items and was only left with the gift from Red Orchid. Initially, he planned on having that consumed as well, but the miser in him prevented Theo from outright doing so. The artifact was supposed to be rare, so maybe it was better to keep it as a sort of trophy.

“Spok, what do you know about artifacts?” Theo asked.

A pleasing glint covered the edges of the silver key. In his mind, he could imagine it hanging on the wall of his main building, next to his land deed and magic certificate. A nice expensive frame and a plaque indicating just how rare it was would definitely make it a lot more special.

“Oh, a rare one.” The spirit guide approached, glancing at the item over the avatar’s shoulder. “Not bad. I’d say it would make a splendid souvenir.”

“Right? I mean, what happens to its abilities if I consume it?” The dungeon quickly corrected itself. “It’s supposed to be able to open any lock, which is a useless ability anyway, so I was wondering—”

“That’s actually a good idea,” Spok interrupted. “There’s a high chance you obtain the skill as well as a large amount of core points. Where did you get this item, exactly?”

“Some guild gave it to me for dealing with the brigand problem.”

This was a good stroke of luck, almost too good to be true. Granted, “artifacts” were different from common magic items. Supposedly, divine or cursed magic went into their creation. Possibly that was why Theo had been handed the key so easily. However, thanks to the hero dying within him, he didn’t have to worry about becoming corrupted by demonic influences any time soon.

“Spok, I want artifact creation!” Theo said all of a sudden.

“Artifact creation?” The spirit guide got flashbacks of the time when the dungeon was demanding to learn all sorts of skills and using them in the worst possible fashion. Of course, back then, Theo only had three rooms. Now, he was as large as a town and hopefully grown mentally as well. “Why would you need that?”

“I want to recreate the artifact after I consume it.”

“But… that will defeat the purpose of…”

“I won’t create it now. I’ll do it later so I can frame it and hang it in my study. It’ll have the same properties, right?”

“Well, yes, as long as you acquire the skill it—”

“And it’ll look the same.”

“Well, silver and diamonds aren’t the most difficult materials to create, but—”

“So, it’s settled. I’ll consume this, learn the skills, and create a copy. No one will be able to tell the difference.”

There were many things wrong in that statement. Spok, however, knew better than to enter into a losing argument. Left with little alternative, the spirit guide did as was requested of her.

ARTIFACT CREATION

Convert 500 core points to create a small magic item of chosen appearance.

Additional energy cost required depending on the number and strength of magic abilities the artifact possesses.

The costs were no joke. Since it required core points instead of energy, the results had to be impressive as well. This granted Theo the ability to create any sort of magical item he chose for no other reason but to have it.

“You are aware, sir, that you could have just as well created an ordinary item and framed it?”

Theo ignored the comment, tossing the silver key at his core.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You have consumed the second key of the Legendary Archmage Gregord!

Archmage Gregord was known for creating hundreds of rare artifacts during his lifetime, though most of them became cursed after his death.

20,000 Core Points obtained.

OPEN (MINOR) - 1

Spend 10 energy to open a standard or minor-magic lock.

The message confirmed the dungeon’s suspicion regarding the cursed nature of the artifact. However, the unexpectedly high amount of core points obtained quickly made him forget any potential issues he might have with the guild. In fact, things turned out rather well. Now, not only had he learned a new spell, but he had also acquired enough core points to put an end to—

YOU FEEL DEVASTATING HUNGER!

“You must be kidding me!” Theo’s yell echoed throughout all his underground halls. Above, the whole town shook—something that the local inhabitants had become used to. “All that wasn’t enough?! Spok, how many points do I need to get rid of this?!”

“I…” The spirit guide wasn’t sure. Normally, she’d have a reference, or at the very least be aware of some other dungeon experiencing that in the past. Yet, for whatever reason, new knowledge on the matter remained non-existent. “Maybe over a hundred thousand?”

Returning his avatar to the “bedroom,” Theo used some of the core points to create several more aether generators. The goal was to limit the daily magic reduction by increasing the overall amount. Unfortunately, as night came, it turned out that things were a bit more complicated. While he had undoubtedly increased the overall energy produced, the “hunger” still halved it in an instant. Item consumption didn’t seem to work, dungeon improvements didn’t seem to work, and it appeared that Theo was condemned to suffer the effects for the rest of his existence, which also meant that he couldn’t grow either. In theory, he could convert core points to energy directly, using them as a hidden stash, but that was a temporary and cumbersome manner to do it. The option to have Cmyk go adventuring and bring back the loot also backfired. While acquiring a taste for fun and hobbies, the minion remained just as lazy as far as work was concerned. Tending to the underground gardens was one thing. Yet the mere suggestion of adventuring had made the minion rush out, sticking to the parts of town that weren’t replaced by Theo. The following morning, things got even worse.

At dawn, the ever-diligent Captain Ribbons knocked at the door, informing Baron d’Argent that he had been invited by the earl to his castle. As expected, the invitation was nothing more than an excuse to hold a massive event for the entire town. There were a lot of speeches, a lot of thanking, and a few completely useless trinkets given to the avatar and the rest of the three adventurers. Then came the worst part—the baron being asked to give a speech as well.

There were several ways that Theo could cheat. For one thing, Spok had prepared a speech in anticipation of this and was prepared to read it back in the main building. Repeating her words was the easiest and most practical thing to do, and yet Theo felt he had a statement to make.

“What can I say?” the avatar began. “It was an honor to be allowed to go on two noble quests in the span of a year. Three if we include the royal request of saving Rosewind.”

Polite laughter filled the throne room.

“During this latest quest, short as it was, I learned quite a number of things. For starters, I found that the adventure guilds here are woefully unprepared. Not only are they insignificant compared to other towns, let alone anything larger, they’re lacking in everything.”

The laughter quickly vanished, replaced by shocked silence. Everyone stared at the baron, hardly believing their ears. Back in Theo’s main building, Spok facepalmed with a sigh.

“Even after the fight for the city, the three…” The avatar glared at Avid, Amelia, and Ulf. “Adventurers didn’t learn a thing. It was embarrassing to the point that I would have gotten more done if I’d just left them in the inn and did the whole thing by myself.”

The moment he said it, Theo wondered why he hadn’t done precisely that. It would have been so much less trouble and they wouldn’t even have noticed the difference. Next time, not that there was going to be a next time, the dungeon planned to learn a sleep spell to keep any meddling companions out of the way. It’s not as if they were like Liandra. Now there was someone who could pull her weight. During the previous noble quest, she had been the driving force that metaphorically dragged the dungeon’s avatar all the way to Lord Mandrake’s hidden stronghold. Not that things had gone well afterwards. On further reflection, being with a bunch of incompetents was better in the long run.

“So, yes, I’d like to thank Earl Rosewind, my good friend, for giving me the opportunity to show the futility of adventuring. Adventuring isn’t a hobby, and it’s better for everyone if all those who think it is to just stay at home and continue with their make-believe games. That way, at least, no one will get hurt.”

Nobles, guards, and people alike were speechless. They could only watch the baron casually make his way out of the earl’s throne room. There was a time when things could have gone poorly after such an outburst, but that was before Theo had become protector of Rosewind. More importantly, everyone knew it was true. Adventuring had always been a mess even before the dungeon had moved here, which is why all good adventurers had left for other, more exciting places.

“That could have been a bit more diplomatic, sir,” Spok said as the avatar made his way to the main building. “I fear that the earl might not be particularly happy.”

“What’ll he do? Stop sending me on noble quests? This whole protector of the town is overrated, not to mention a bad choice. Maybe that’s why I got this affliction? Too close contact with people?”

“That is highly unlikely, sir. There’ve been dungeons who’ve had whole villages in them and—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the story.”

Reaching the mansion, the avatar walked in and slammed the door behind him. Several dozen other doors also slammed in solidarity.

“I guess this is my life now… a miserable existence of dieting and daily hiccups that steal half my magical energy.”

“I did warn you you were growing a bit too fast, sir. There’s still a good chance that this is temporary and will get resolved in a matter of months.”

At that point, there was a knock on the door. Normally, that wouldn’t be an issue. People came to the baron’s mansion every day, yet nearly always they made sure he was out before doing so. The baron’s short temper was well known, plus everyone preferred dealing with his steward considerably more.

The person knocking was also a mystery. Theo had seen him ever since the man had approached the town gate—one of the advantages of being a dungeon encompassing the entire town wall.

The person appeared to be, for all intents and purposes, a peddler of some sorts. Thin, tall, and scruffy, he looked like a handkerchief hanging over a long nail. A large basket of junk was attached to his back, like a quickly made backpack. No doubt the man was here in the hopes of selling his junk to Theo for some money.

“Any idea who that is?” the dungeon asked Spok.

“I am not familiar, sir. It’s the first time he’s been here.”

More than likely, the stranger had heard that the baron had money to spare and was willing to try his luck.

After several seconds of silence, the man knocked again. Clearly, he wasn’t willing to take no as an answer.

“Have any silver coins, Spok?”

“I believe so. Why?”

“I’m not giving him a gold coin for that junk! It’ll give him ideas. Besides, I don’t want to encourage more like him.”

“That hasn’t stopped you before,” the spirit guide said beneath her breath as she went up the stairs to her room. Moments later, she came back down, holding two silver coins. “This is all I have. Will it be enough?”

“Yes.” Theo opened the door, then went to it with his avatar. “Here you go,” he said, shoving the silver coins into the man’s large gloved hands. The grip was a lot tighter than the dungeon expected. It was almost as if—

“Found you at last!” a familiar high-pitched voice said. However, it didn’t seem to come from the man’s head, but rather from his stomach. “You rushed out of Karlston in quite a hurry, didn’t you?”

The long overcoat opened up, revealing a gnome sitting in a crudely built construct.

“Switches?” All of the building’s windows opened in surprise.

“You could have dug me out, at least.” The gnome climbed out of the “peddler” and into Theo’s main body. “Took me ages to dig myself out of that muck. Good thing I had a few devices lying about.”

“How did you get here?”

“Used this thing.” Switches tapped proudly on the construct. The peddler lost its balance then fell to the side, spilling junk in all directions. “Hmm. Needs some work on the balance. Well, maybe it’s not my greatest work, but that’s all I had when you left me there. In future, I’d suggest you invest in a notebook. Does wonders for the memory.”

“Memory?”

“Hello? You forgot me in the middle of Marsh Forest. Not to worry, though.”

Of all the things that had happened the last day, this could definitely be categorized as the worst. The dungeon had completely forgotten about the gnome’s existence. As far as he was concerned, Switches was supposed to be dead and buried in the marsh. Considering everything the creature had gone through, it was safe to say that the gnomes were close to indestructible.

Using a multitude of telekinesis spells, Theo pulled the gnome, the construct, and every other piece of junk into the building, then slammed the door.

“Are you crazy? You can’t walk in the open like this!” both the dungeon and his avatar shouted.

“I wasn’t in the open.” Switches protested. “Besides, who will recognize me? It’s not like anyone here has seen me in person.”

“You almost caused the destruction of the entire town. People tend to remember that.”

“Says you.” The gnome crossed his arms. “And that wasn’t me. It was Lord Mandrake. I’m different now—free of demonic influence. And I bet people don’t know what you are, right?” He glanced at Spok.

“He looks a lot shorter in person, sir.” The spirit guide glared down indignantly. “I would suggest placing him in a small cell.”

“She’s a minion?” the gnome asked.

“Or maybe outright kill him.” Spok narrowed her eyes.

“Boss minion?”

“Spirit guide.” Theo sighed.

“Oh. Never seen one with her own avatar. Looks rather nice. Then again, you’ve always been on the eccentric side, right?” The gnome grinned.

“I’m not on the… Why are you here, Switches?”

“Because of the promise. Why else?”

Suddenly, Theo’s headache just became ten times worse. Of course, the small tinkerer would remember that. When Theo had promised to “hire” the gnome, he didn’t actually think it would come to that. The plan had been to abandon the little critter once he’d dealt with the “brigand” problem, which he had. Having Switches make it all the way here and in a single day wasn’t something he had expected.

“So, where’s the lab?” The gnome looked about the room. “I prefer something more practical. Not that there’s anything bad about this place. Taste is subjective and all that, but when it comes to labs, more is less.”

That was the final straw. Suddenly, all the stress, anxiety, and annoyance melted away, replaced by pure, unadulterated rage. Several sections of the roof slid to the side as the entire building split in two. A clear sky emerged above the gnome’s head, after which the floor suddenly rose up, thrusting him into the sky like a catapult. In a single second, Switches flew through the air, leaving a trail of junk parts behind him like a falling star disappearing beyond the horizon. Once the deed was done, the main building went back to its usual state.

“That was rather abrupt, sir.” Spok said, making her way to the spot the gnome had been.

“I hope so. Do you think he’s gone this time?”

“It’s difficult to say. Gnomes tend to be quite resilient. Hopefully, he’d have gotten the hint either way.”

“Hopefully…”