The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

Multi-tasking was a difficult skill in the best of times. It was said to be the trait of successful generals, rulers, and merchant masterminds. People with such abilities would build empires—financial or other—win vast battles and not lose any sleep in the process. None of them were anywhere close to what a dungeon was capable of, and all Theo had to show for it was an almost empty goblin carrier and small, though sophisticated, building in the town of Rosewind. And now, by the looks of it, he risked losing it all.

“Damn it, Cmyk, can’t you work faster?!” Theo slammed the attic door several times in rapid succession. His minion had been hard at work making gold out of straw. At present half of the room was filled with neatly placed stacks of gold, but it was far from enough. From what Theo had seen in Lord Mandrake’s mountain stronghold, a considerable number of mercenaries would have to be hired just to ensure that the Rosewind would be able to put up a fight.

“Anger won’t make things go faster,” Spok said. “In contrast, good planning would. If it isn’t too much of a bother, maybe you can share what you intend to do, sir?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” the dungeon snapped. “I’ll hire as many defensive troops as I can and help the town guards hold off until my avatar and Liandra arrive.”

“So, you’re planning on hiring heroes?”

The thought was enough to make Theo’s stomach churn—if he had a stomach.

“Let’s not get too extreme. Standard armies would do.”

“Because, unless you rely on heroes, you’ll be wasting your gold. Standard armies are useless against dungeons or demons. When dealing with someone like Lord Mandrake, they won’t even create a distraction.”

“Oh, so you’re telling me to hire heroes? Good plan, Spok. Really good plan.”

“Not at all, sir. You don’t have the ability to hire heroes.”

“What?” The shutters of the building closed and opened again abruptly as the dungeon blinked. “Why not? I have the money.”

“It’s not a matter of money. Only certain people can request the assistance of heroes. As the strongest warriors in the world, it would be natural that everyone strives for their attention. If it were only a matter of money, an extremely wealthy noble would pay to have a hero bring a kitten down a tree, while an entire village is overrun by monsters.”

“An entire town is about to be overrun by monsters,” Theo grumbled.

“I’m sure everyone claims that. So, in order to ensure that heroes use their skills adequately, only established rulers and other heroes can request for help. There are a few exceptions, but you aren’t among them.”

The dungeon was left speechless. Even in a fantasy world bureaucracy managed to find a way to creep in and ruin things for everyone. On the other hand, it wasn’t like Theo intended to ask heroes for help, anyway. Other than the absurdity of the situation, that would increase the risk of him being found out.

“So, what do you suggest?” Theo asked.

“Deal with the matter yourself, of course.”

A gust of wind passed through every single room as the dungeon sighed. He was hoping to avoid this. Originally, his plan had been to buy up as many free lots as possible and expand to occupy them. Once that was achieved, he could easily create a series of defense structures to hold off the gnome army. If there was anything dungeons excelled at it was defending against invaders. Unfortunately, there were two major problems with that. First, it was going to involve a lot of effort. Theo had attempted to delegate the task to Spok, but this time the spirit guide had firmly refused. In no unclear terms, she had made it known that if he wanted to go forward with this; he was going to have to do it himself. All that she could do was assist.

The second, and far greater issue, was the tax collectors. It had been a pain in the neck to get all the necessary permits for one building. Acquiring a tenth of the town was going to be a bureaucratic nightmare. Spok had insisted that it should be a lot easier, though the dungeon had its doubts.

Finally, there was the issue of materials. As Spok had rightfully warned him, not everything could be solved by using core points. In theory, nothing prevented Theo from simply creating underground tunnels to the land plots in question, then form extensions of himself on top. That, however, was going to be exceedingly wasteful. The budgeting skills that Theo had developed in the course of his previous life kicked in.

“Cmyk, take a rest,” he ordered. “We’ll delay the armies for later. For the moment, go buy out any free land along the city walls. And I mean any!”

Relieved to be no longer spinning straw, the minion stood up. The moment he did, a somewhat fashionable cross between a suitcase and a wooden chest popped into existence.

“You’ll carry the gold in this,” Theo said. “Just try to be discreet and don’t overspend! I don’t want people to think you’re a chump.”

Cmyk had no idea what the term meant, but nodded nonetheless.

“Spok, magic a letter to the tax office administration, or whatever it’s called. Think of an explanation of my purchases.”

“Very well, sir.” The spirit guide nodded. “Is there anything specific you’d like me to mention?”

“Just be creative about it. I don’t want it to arouse any suspicion.”

“Of course, sir.”

“And after you’re done, I want you to contact all merchants, blacksmiths, jewelers, and masons in the area. I’ll be buying some materials.”

At first light on the following morning, Theo’s plan was put into motion. While his avatar slowly flew the carrier towards Liandra and the rest of the rescued villagers near the mandrake mountains, every merchant and craftsman within a fifty-mile radius of Roeswind had an envelope appear on their doorstep.

Each letter within was identical, informing the people in question that Baron d’Argent, a mage and architect hobbyist, wanted to buy all their wares right away and was willing to pay a premium for it. Since it was well known that the Baron himself was out on a noble quest, it was his steward who took care of the practical transaction.

The promised amounts were more than sufficient, and since it came from a mage, no one gave it much thought. After all, mages were universally accepted to be rich and eccentric, so having them go on impulsive buying sprees for no apparent reason was alright. The only requirement was that everything had to be brought to the gates of Rosewind in great haste.

Half an hour later, Cmyk—well known and beloved Rosewind champion with a dark and mysterious past—set off through town, buying as much free land as he could. A man of few words, he carried a letter that his employer—Baron d’Argent—was interested in purchasing the respective piece of land “and/or building” at a reasonable price. Initially, there was some hesitation among the owners, but seeing that Cmyk had the money with him on the spot, deeds quickly exchanged hands. And with each new purchase made, interest grew. Most of the money ended up going into the Earl’s treasury. As the ruling noble of the land, he held most of it; although there were also a considerable number of others willing to sell. It seemed that many of the things that made the town to be seen as advantageous were exactly what kept others away. The town was relatively small, isolated, far from any trade routes or bodies of water. Even monsters didn’t bother roaming the area, which was the reason why the city walls were primarily for show. Pretty much the only people there were locals, and those who wanted to enjoy a calm retirement.

Roughly every hour, Cmyk would return to refill his suitcase. It was absolutely astonishing how cheap everything was. Given what Theo had to pay for his initial spot, he feared that his minion would need to take a break to make more gold. However, he had already bought over a dozen properties and the piles of gold had only decreased by a tiny fraction.

With all that underway, the dungeon focused on the most bothersome task yet: dungeon expansion processes.

Unlike people—or Theo’s avatar—dungeons didn’t have levels. All the actions they could perform depended purely on the type and nature of the rooms within them. A dungeon with an aether generator had the energy to spend on more rooms, more minions to acquire more ores and minerals with which to create more sophisticated rooms and devices. That much was clear—Spok had done a good job explaining it every chance she got. However, there was one exception to the rule—a dungeon’s rank.

Ranks were very different from levels. Strictly speaking, they didn’t provide any new powers or abilities. The only thing they granted was more efficient methods of aether generation and usage. From what Theo gathered, they acted like a multiplier when dealing with all things aether related, minions included. Even Spok considered it a waste of effort, considering the amount of core points and energy Theo had at his disposal. Considering the numbers, though, it was looking more and more likely that it was a sacrifice that had to be made.

Mentally preparing for the effort, Theo did an insight on himself.

DUNGEON STATUS

Name: THEODOR

Rank: 1

Personal Avatar: Heroic (Unique)

Spirit Guide: Atypical

Minions: 1 Champion

Rooms: 17

Aether Generation: 7000 energy per hour

Core Points: 67585520

It was vaguely flattering to know that his personal avatar was heroic, especially since it was unique among all dungeons. Everything else, though, was less than average with the exception of the current amount of core points.

Stupid overlord wannabe. Why couldn’t you do this somewhere else? Theo wondered.

Since the gnome had an air force, ground troops—even if Theo was able to hire mercenaries—were practically useless. Bows and arrows weren’t going to cause a dent in the goblin carrier’s armor. Ballistas were needed for that, or better yet, flying minions. The issue was that between reinforcing the town and the expenses associated with his avatar; the dungeon didn’t have the core points to freely spend as before. He was going to have to be smart about this, and the first step was to increase his rank.

Earning a higher rank was fairly straightforward. All that was required were a few basic resources and a small, fully crystalized mana crystal. Normally, the dungeon was one had to create the mana crystal by slowly purifying a rare precious gem and infusing it with aether. However, thanks to his generous donation to the Feline Mage Tower, Spok was able to request one for him. The crystal—a flawlessly blue vessel in the shape of an octahedron—arrived in a velvet padded wooden box with a letter of thanks and a sincere apology by the arch mage of the tower that it was only a quarter full. Now all that was needed was for the purchased ores and minerals to arrive.

“Those mages are rather too polite, don’t you think?” Theo asked as he used his telekinesis to put the mana crystal in one of his aether generators. “Are you sure there isn’t anything fishy going on?”

“Towers are like that when they start out. And don’t forget, you are an extremely respected patron of theirs, sir. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are the only person who bought their permit.”

“Hmm. Maybe I should go visit them at some point.”

“I wouldn’t recommend that, sir. Mages would be able to see through your avatar disguise. A nice thank you letter will be more than sufficient, if you are so inclined.”

“Are you sure? Very well. Write something fancy. And give them a small token of thanks. I don’t want to seem stingy or—”

Before the dungeon could finish, there was a knock at the door. This wasn’t the crude knock of the tax collector. It was rhythmic and precise, almost artistic.

“Any chance this could be Cmyk returning with some friends?” Theo asked, in hope.

A second series of knocks suggested that not to be the case.

Straightening her dress, Spok went down to the first floor and opened the door. A dozen city guards were standing in two rows, swords at the ready. Captain Ribbons was also present, but he hadn’t been the one who had knocked on the dungeon’s door. That honor went to Earl Rosewind himself.

“Good day, dear lady,” the earl greeted. “I was told that the good baron had a rather fetching steward. Now I see that the description doesn’t do you justice.”

“You are too kind, my Lord Rosewind.” Spok curtsied with such dignity that one would consider her a noble as well. “It’s such an honor having you visit. Would you like to come inside?”

“I’d love to, but I don’t have much time, I’m afraid. I’ve been tasked with the dreadful responsibility of accompanying the Duke of Goton’s second daughter hunting. The poor thing has the illusion that just because a place is isolated that it must have rare and undiscovered beasts. Still, it is my duty, so I’ll be off to meet her carriage in a bit.”

“But of course, my lord.”

“The reason I’m here is because I heard that Baron d’Argent has been buying up properties all over town. All of them near the city wall, in fact. Is there anything I should know about?”

“Oh, just another whim, I am sure. The baron is the type of man who cannot help himself. The moment he settles in a place, he starts thinking how to improve it. It’s his weakness, you can say.”

Theo was far from pleased with that description. In fact, he was outright furious. If he could be certain that there would be no consequences, he would have slammed the door in the earl’s face and have Spok bear the consequences. Improving this town was the second least favorite activity he could think of. Of course, the absolute least was getting destroyed by an overeager gnome maniac with a burning desire to take over the world.

“Is that so?” The earl nodded several times. “Quite commendable, I must say. In fact, I have come to him with a request of sorts. When I say request, I honestly mean that. I wouldn’t want people to think I’m forcing the old boy into something he doesn’t want.” Earl Rosewind laughed.

“I am sure, my lord.” Spok smiled along. “As you know, the baron isn’t here right now, but maybe I can be of assistance? I am his appointed steward, after all.”

“Yes,” the noble rubbed his chin with his thumb and index finger. “He’s off to see the end of those dreadful thieves of the Hook Claw Gang. I distinctly remember sending him there. And yes, I do hope you could be of assistance. You see, I want to sell him the wall of the city.”

If there was a moment for Spok and Theo to feel shocked at the same time, this was it.

“The city wall, my lord?” Spok asked, unsure how to react.

“Oh, it will come with a title, of course. Protector of Rosewind and all that,” the earl waves his hand. “Since he is a man of vision, and also means, I think it would be a wonderful opportunity for him to focus his artistic talents on the city’s wall. Between you and me, my grandfather built it purely to stop the jokes about Rosewind hall being more wind than wall. It’s neither pretty nor has it served any practical purpose other than keeping foxes from running into town. It would be to everyone’s benefit if something more… deserving were to be built.”

“Let me be certain I understand this correctly, my lord. You’re putting Baron d’Argent in charge of the city’s defenses?”

“Of course not! That would be absurd. The man clearly hasn’t any battlefield training. He’ll just be responsible for the walls. And by that, naturally, I mean he’ll make sure it’s well kept, clean, and presentable in case some dignitary decides to visit. Can’t have them thinking less of us, can we?”

“Of course not,” Spok said beneath her breath.

“So, what do you think?”

“It will be rather—”

“Splendid,” the earl interrupted, barely a moment after. “Here’s the deed.” He opened the palm of his hand. Instantly, a servant rushed from somewhere and placed a rolled-up scroll with a very large and officially looking ribbon in his hand. “There’s no need to worry about price. We’ll discuss that once the Baron returns. For now, just consider the wall yours. Oh, and possibly make use of all the materials you’ve bought to give it a do over here and there. Nothing fancy, mind you, just enough to show progress.”

Handing the deed to Spok, the noble then turned around and walked to a carriage waiting nearby. The town guard followed quickly after.

“Sometimes he scares me,” Theo said, looking at the whole thing through the crack of the door.

“I agree, sir.” Spok nodded, then slowly closed the door. “What do we do now? Does that change your plan?”

“Well, we’ve been given control of the wall. Is there a way to assimilate it?”

The spirit guide remained silent. Dungeons weren’t creatures that assimilated things. They grew, forming rooms and runnels in earth, rock, and clay. Instances of dungeons taking over cities were few and far between, and in all cases, the cities had already been abandoned. Still, there was no rule or law that it couldn’t be done.

“I think I have something suitable, sir.”

DIGEST

Spend 50 energy per cubic foot to digest a plant, ore, or mineral deposit, making them part of you. Cannot be used on living creatures.

“I think you should start by building a connecting tunnel to your properties, including the wall,” Spok suggested. “Afterwards, maybe digest one section at a time.”

“Sounds reasonable. It’ll also make acquiring the materials easier.”

While Theo’s main body was considering how to best utilize the vast amount of real-estate he had just acquired, his avatar was also dealing with its own issues.

Flying a massive dirigible with a full crew was challenging at the best of times. At present, the entire group was relying on the skills of an ex-pirate to get them out of a storm that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. When Liandra had said that the weather near the Mandrake Mountains was unpredictable, she hadn’t exaggerated.

“Nothing to worry about,” Wolf shouted. “I’ll get us out of this. I’ve driven a gnome ship once. It’s similar to this.”

Having never seen a gnome ship, Theo had no basis to agree or not. However, he knew it wasn’t normal for the carrier to spin around like a top. If the rest of the crew weren’t exceptional warriors, they would all be dizzy vomiting by now.

“Can’t you do anything about…” The storm suddenly changed direction, sending everyone except Theo’s avatar flying across the control room. No one got hurt, of course, but this was starting to get annoying.

“Nothing to worry about,” Wolf said, crawling back to one of the control seats. “Storms don’t last long here. We just have to wait it out and we’ll be back on our way.”

That was among the stupidest things Theo had ever heard. Even if he wasn’t in a rush, he had no intention of just sitting there, waiting for the storm to clear. With a grumble, he left the room.

“Where are you going?” The child prodigy shouted behind him.

“Don’t worry, kid,” Flail said. “He’s going to do what needs to be done.”

It all sounded very noble and dramatic. There was one small detail, though: Theo had no clear idea what he was going to do. An object this size was too big to be affected by telekinesis and attempting to cast an aether shield around it was just as ludicrous.

Walking along the narrow wavy corridors, he tried to come up with a plan. He was so close to the rest of the villagers that he could almost see them. By all accounts he should have arrived by now, but it has been one thing after the other. At first, it had taken a while for the carrier to get going. While Lord Mandrake hadn’t busted up the controls—an oversight on his part—everything was so overly complicated that only a gnome would make sense of it. Then, once they had finally turned the thing around, they had spent a few hours going in the wrong direction, before the shield-bearers had used their compass skill to tell him where he was supposed to be going. And now, there was the sudden storm. There were definitely ways how this could have gone worse, but not many.

“Planning something?” One of the assassin sisters appeared without warning next to the dungeon’s avatar.

That would have been quite startling, especially since he hadn’t sensed her approach. However, Theo was so annoyed with everything going on this day that he simply gave her a glaring look.

“I expected nothing less of you.” The woman said, not hiding her smile. “Most would have screamed or tried to attack me. You just analyzed the situation calmly and saw I presented no threat.”

“We have a few bigger threats, Nauska,” the avatar said, still walking. “This storm is bad enough. If it gets any worse, it can crash this ship on the ground. We’ll survive, of course, but—”

“We won’t be able to take the people aboard,” the assassin finished the sentence for him. “Why don’t you push the carrier out of the storm? You managed to fly us aboard.”

“Those are completely different things. The hull is made of anti-magic material. The moment my aether shield comes in contact, it will collapse. And if I just use brute force to slam it in, there’s no telling which direction we’ll go.”

Of course, Theo chose not to share the fact that he had already tried that a while back. The entire reason for the dirigible going off course was Theo losing his patience and using several aether spheres to nudge it in the right direction.

“Can’t you control them?” the woman asked.

“It’s not that simple. Even for me, it’ll be like pushing a piece of rope: there’s no telling how it’ll turn.”

“I see.”

It was unclear whether Nauska was having problems with the example, or she actually agreed with his reasoning. The following silence made Theo visualize his example in an attempt to explain it better. After all, he didn’t want his image tarnished because of such a triviality. Ironically, doing so gave him a rather unique idea.

“But if a rope cannot be pushed, it can be pulled,” he said, deep in thought.

“Hmm?” Now the woman was utterly confused.

“Nauska, get everyone but Wolf to meet me where the goblin gliders are. I know what to do.”

The assassin nodded, then vanished just as suddenly as she had appeared. Theo didn’t pay any notice, rushing down to to the goblin gliders.

Using brute strength, he began disassembling them, dividing the components into piles. By the time the rest of the group had appeared, four gliders had been reduced to parts.

“Ah, you’re here,” the avatar said. “Give me a hand. I want you to disassemble a few each. The thing I’m looking for is steel cords. I want us to make ten chains. They have to be strong enough to be able to drag the carrier.

With some hesitation, the group got to work. Thankfully, their respective skills made the process exceedingly fast. In half an hour, ten chain-ropes, a hundred feet each, had been composed. Each of them was composed of links made of steel threads. They had been tested and retested several times while being tied together.

“Perfect!” Theo said. “Now here comes the beautiful part. We’ll tie one part of each to a goblin glider and the docking ring of the carrier. Once that’s done, I’ll cast an aether sphere round the gliders and have them pull the carrier forward. Since they aren’t made of any anti-magic materials, the shields should hold.”

“So, you’re thinking of pulling the carrier like a sledge through snow?” Flail asked.

“Hmm. Yes.” Dom nodded. “I’ve seen that done with sea-dragons in the ocean. Dangerous, but effective. We should travel five times as fast as we usually do.”

“And the best part,” the dungeon’s avatar began enthusiastically. Before he could finish, Wolf ran into the hangar.

“The storm has cleared!” he shouted triumphantly. “There’s nothing but clear skies now. We’ll be with the villagers in less than an hour.”

There was a brief silence.

“Yes, that’s great news,” the avatar said, a forced smile plastered on its face. “That way, we’ll get to transport everyone much faster to their new home.”

Damn you, Wolf! How dare you steal my thunder! Theo cursed on the inside. The only positive was that the carrier was going to reach Rosewind a lot faster. Hopefully, the town was going to be still standing by then.