The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon

“Should have known you’d overdo things,” Liandra said, looking at the giant carrier.

Meanwhile, aether spheres were lifting people, a dozen at a time, up inside. It was a wasteful way of using energy, but the sooner the whole group could start the trip to Rosewind, the better.

“I take it no heroes showed up?” Theo’s avatar asked. On the one hand, that was good. It meant that he wouldn’t have to worry about others discovering his nature. At the same time, he was really annoyed that he had to do their job for them.

“Sadly. Sometimes difficult choices have to be made. Still, I knew I could rely on you. Funny how it’s been less than a week that we’ve known each other and you haven’t let me down once.”

The avatar could only smile. This was not at all what he had planned.

“Anyway, I’ll need your help to get back home.” he changed the subject. “The shield bearers with me are a bit…” Theo carefully considered his words. “Their compass skill seems to be a bit off, and we can’t afford to get lost. We need to get to Rosewind as quickly as possible.”

“Again, with the constant hurrying. I know that having over a thousand hungry souls is challenging, to put it mildly, but rushing won’t solve anything. As my father used to say, rushing only brings the goal further.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that while rushing, people often make mistakes they wouldn’t have otherwise, which ultimately makes them take longer.”

Oh, one of these sayings, the dungeon thought. Even in the previous life, he didn’t like them. They made no sense and only confirmed the conclusion of the person saying them. Rushing wasn’t going to cause anyone to slow down. Being sloppy about it would. Since the heroine wasn’t convinced, though, this called for drastic measures.

“Lord Mandrake is on his way there,” the avatar whispered. “He told me when we took control of the goblin carrier. I cast a cone of silence to keep the others from knowing, but…”

The whisper had the desired effect. The woman’s expression abruptly changed. It was just as Spok had said: the fastest way to get a hero to do something was to tell them of an evil entity that intended to take over the world.

“If he makes Rosewind his new base, he could easily take over the kingdom, and after that the world.”

“What’s your plan?” she asked. At this point, the battle was all but won.

“We’ve tied some gliders to the nose of the airship,” Theo explained. “From there I’ll use my magic to pull it straight to Rosewind. All I need from you is adequate directions.”

“You’re using me as a navigator?” Liandra crossed her arms.

There were certain things that a hero was never to be asked. Chief among them was acting like a sidekick. While pretty much all heroes had the skill to flawlessly navigate in any environment and the world at large, they would never degrade themselves to give directions. Doing so would mean that they put someone else’s ability above their own.

Liandra had seen how capable Theo was, she had even grown to acknowledge his skills. However, he remained merely a mage. As such, even if she wanted to help him in this fashion, years of training screamed that it would be a humiliation to do so.

“I just need the basic direction,” Theo continued, oblivious to the internal conflict that was unfolding. “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, so as long as I direct the carrier in the right direction, we’ll be there in no time.”

There were two things that the heroine could do. The expected reaction was for her to refuse in a polite and firm manner—possibly providing an explanation of some sort. The alternative was to explain the flaws in his plan and take over the entire operation and be the one to lead everyone back to Rosewind. Both had their pros and cons. However, in that precise moment, Liandra did neither. Turning around, she pointed at the horizon.

“That way,” she said curtly, then walked away.

A normal person would have inquired about the sudden behavior change, or at the very least asked for a clarification. Being a dungeon, though, a direction was all that Theo needed. Thanks to his special awareness, he could already imagine his avatar returning to his main body. It wasn’t going to be a comfortable trip, especially for the villagers aboard, but it was going to be fast. As long as he used his abilities to surround the gliders in a protective aether sphere and push them as strong as possible—though not too strong so as not to snap the link connecting them to the carrier—it would be like driving a dog sled.

Doubling the number of villagers that he lifted to the carrier, Theo got back to focus on other important things, namely the unexpected developments in Rosewind. When the earl had given him the wall surrounding the city, it had seemed like a good thing. The price didn’t matter, since all that Theo needed to cover it was enough hay. The location was also perfect, since it allowed the dungeon to fortify and modify the walls so as to withstand Lord Mandrake’s attack. With the steady supply of resources coming in—and the core points at his disposal—there was nothing that was supposed to prevent Theo from surviving and saving the town in the process. At least, that’s how it was supposed to have been until he saw the actual state of the wall.

Other than the section around the main gates, and a few near the earl’s castle, the stones were so loose than a farm animal could topple them by leaning on them. Reaching the wall had cost him a large amount of core points just to create a network of tunnels to the walls. Spok had insisted that the tunnels be made deep under the city and have large trap sections. Theo hadn’t appreciated the idea, but gone with it all the same to avoid arguments. Sadly, that was just the start of his expenses. The amount of core points that had gone into making the wall functional has cost had cost, aside from a vast amount of the materials purchased, about a quarter of his remaining core points. And all that was just for the basics. The dungeon had yet to place ballistas on the battlements.

“Woah, did you see that, Kev?” a guard said, sliding his grimy hand along the inner wall of a watchtower. “Smooth as marble. I tell ya, it must pay a lot to be a mage. Make me think we’re in the wrong business.”

Theo took a deep breath, swinging the shutters of all windows in his main body open. Now he understood how the hatred between dungeons and people had formed. It had been less than a few hours since the wall had become part of him, and already there were guards going about, touching everything, as if they were construction inspectors. Even worse, graffiti had already appeared here and there along the length of the wall, and a few drunkards had relieved themselves on it.

“Maybe I should just let Mandrake take over…”

“You will be the first to be destroyed, if he did, sir,” Spok reminded.

The dungeon sighed again. With his luck, it was likely that the pesky people who ruined the wall would outlive him.

Just a bit more time, the dungeon thought. The moment his avatar was back and the gnome’s attack was thwarted, there would be substantial changes. For one thing, Theo intended to insist that the city guards walked by the walls instead of on top of them. Further, he would make damaging the walls a crime. Although, that might prove more difficult for the other buildings he had created. Not knowing that the cheapskate earl would go for something so ludicrous as sell off his own town walls, Theo had planned on using normal structures as anti-aircraft sites. Now that would be redundant.

“Spok, if I own the buildings and the city walls, I can merge them into one, right?” the dungeon asked.

Fully aware that the decision had already been made, the spirit guide nodded.

“So, I can make them part of the wall, right?”

Spok remained speechless, as if waiting for the punchline of a rather unfunny joke.

“Then, I can make into minion garrisons to hold off the attack! Oh, and I could place a moat on the outside of the wall as well.”

“Those are all wonderful ideas, sir, but from what you said, the attackers will be arriving from the air,” Spok noted, adjusting the silk cuffs of her blouse. “Not to mention that having dungeon minions would lead to certain questions. While your magic permit allows you a certain amount of leeway when it comes to your unusual behavior… such as impulse buying, instant building constructions, and vast amounts of gold.” She gave the study a stern glance. “Having clearly identifiable dungeon minions pour out for no reason would be different. Remember that a heroine is accompanying your avatar. And let us not forget that there are a few adventurer guilds in Rosewind.”

“Those good for nothings? They’re not real adventurers! All they do is get drunk and boast about things they’ve done years ago.”

“Nonetheless, some of them have seen dungeon minions. And giving them flesh won’t solve the issue. I’m afraid that one Cmyk is enough for a town this size.”

As much as Theo hated to admit it, she was right. He was going to have to limit himself to structural improvements and not create any minions. However, that came with its own set of problems. The issue of gaining too many core points too fast was that Theo had the possibility of building anything and everything he wished. Even after excluding everything that was prohibitively expensive, there were far too many options. The gardens alone, which were a small part of decorative rooms, ran in the dozens. Material converters, aether generators, buffer rooms and everything else were enough to make any person dizzy.

Drawing inspiration from his previous life, Theo had placed rudimentary aether generator chambers beneath each of his new acquisitions. That had vastly increased the amount of energy he had, to the point he could consistently cast more powerful spells. In normal circumstances, that would have been enough to shoot down any flying threat, though not the anti-magic shielded dirigibles Lord Mandrake had created.

“Spok, tell me again, what do pits do?” Theo asked.

“They are minion breeding pools, sir,” the spirit guide explained. “Depending on the nature of the pool, various minions spawn and walk about. The difference between them and minions you create yourself is that these do not require any additional core points or energy.”

“But the pit itself does.”

“Well, yes, but it constantly spawns minions. The whole point is for them to fill an area and present a nuisance for heroes and adventurers.”

More like a free means for heroes to gain experience points, Theo thought.

The more he looked into the specifics of being a dungeon, the more he was astonished that they hadn’t become extinct. On the surface dungeons were supposed to be these great, strong, self-sufficient systems of evil, but in reality, they were making sure that even junior adventurers had the means to level up and destroy them. Try as he might, he could see no practical purpose in having a slime pit. At most, it could serve for keeping tunnels clean of rats, insects, and other pests, but at the expense of slimes. When it came to people, a dungeon might as well directly greet them with dropped loot. It was going to be faster.

All of a sudden, an idea came to mind. It had nothing to do with defending the town, but was sneaky enough to put a smile on the dungeon’s face, if it had a mouth or a face.

“Spok, teach me how to create a royal slime pit,” Theo said.

ROYAL SLIME PIT

Requires 1000 energy per day.

Creates one royal jelly slime every day. Royal jelly slime is impervious to non-magic physical damage and has the ability to consume any threat the size of a standard human.

Note! Royal jelly has no effect on skeletal minions.

“Might I inquire what you plan to do use that for?” The spirit guide asked.

“To keep the tunnels clean,” the dungeon quickly replied. “They can’t climb up, right? So, there’s no danger of them appearing on the street.”

Spok gave the study a skeptical look. She knew that he was up to something, though not what exactly.

Theo, on the other hand, had it all planned out. While consuming entities he had created wouldn’t provide any cores, he was very curious to see what would happen if his avatar did it. Given that the avatar had a heroic trait, slime pits would be the perfect grinding ground, ensuring he had his daily fix of experience. Best of all, he could do it from the comfort of his own body.

Meanwhile, as the dungeon was metaphorically rubbing hands in glee, its avatar was preparing to set off. With the villagers packed throughout the chambers and corridors of the goblin carrier, final preparations were being made to ensure that the propulsion source wouldn’t tear the vessel in two.

“Is everything set?” the avatar asked.

Standing on the chain of wire, two hundred feet above the ground, Nauska waved to confirm that it was.

“Perfect! Get back in here!” the avatar ordered. “Someone tell Wolf to be ready!”

“You’re really going to do this?” Liandra asked, both impressed and concerned. “I’ve never heard of anyone pulling an airship in such fashion before.”

“But it’s still been done, right?”

“In legends,” she replied. “My father used to tell me stories how he had to fight the massive air-chariot of the Archdemoness Illieilli which was pulled by a pair of dragons in the sky. This, though…” She looked at the bubbles of goblin gliders floating in the air. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

“Absolutely!” Theo lied. “Trust me! We’ll be home before you know it. Then we’ll be able to organize the town, build up some defenses, and crush Lord Mandrake once and for all.”

“I wish it were so easy,” she sighed. “We’ve been extremely lucky so far. If it wasn’t a gnome, the world would already be on fire.”

“Why?” Theo felt curious.

“Gnomes are extremely petty creatures, which easily get obsessed with things. Lord Mandrake is so obsessed with hurting you that he’s likely to ignore almost anything on his way to Rosewind. Anyone else would have conquered the closest capital at hand, then taken over a kingdom, building his forces.”

“What can I say? I have that effect on evil overlords.” The avatar flashed a wide smile. Naturally, he didn’t mention that he himself was just as petty.

“Wolf’s ready!” a yell came from the corridor.

“Perfect! Tell everyone to brace themselves! We head out for food and freedom in one minute!”

Not the best slogan as far as slogans went, but for a craft full of starving villagers, it was more than enough.

Gently, Theo used his telekinesis to move the goblin gliders so that the nose of the carrier pointed in the direction Liandra had indicated earlier. According to Spok, the distance from the Mandrake Mountains to Rosewind was roughly three weeks on horseback. Given that horses were four times slower than a goblin glider and didn’t travel along a straight line, it was within the realm of possibilities that Theo became reunited with his avatar within four days or less. That was going to give him plenty of time to kill some royal slimes, learn a whole lot of useful spells, and ensure that no one discovered his secret. And after that, he was finally going to enjoy some rest and quiet.

“Ready?” he asked Liandra. The heroine nodded. “Here goes.”

Back in the dungeon’s main body, the energy usage spiked as the avatar thrust the goblin gliders forward with all its might. The massive airship tugged forward, paused a bit—as Theo’s avatar got used to the sensation—then thrust forward twice as fast. The force was strong enough to push a large part of the passengers back. Thankfully, all the links held, propelling the carrier with the speed of a small plane. At this point, there was nothing left for Theo to do, but keep the course. Unfortunately, this was where overconfidence and impatience kicked in.

Having already seen that his plan was working, a new series of thoughts pass through the dungeon’s mind. If traveling at this speed would take three or four days, increasing the speed four times would shorten the trip to a single day. Normally, there would be no way of knowing how to increase the “push” or something. However, since Theo knew his energy consumption, he could keep on going until it became four times as much. And that’s what he did.

The carrier flew forward, making the passing clouds form lines, as if it had gone into hyperspace. Absolutely everyone, including Theo’s avatar, was shoved back several steps or more. Instead of making the dungeon calm it, though, it had the opposite effect. Back in his previous life, Theo had never felt the exhilaration of speed. A small voice in his mind whispered that now was the worst time to do so. However, a much stronger voice said that with him being virtually indestructible, now was the perfect opportunity to have a go at it.

The speed of the carrier progressively increased during the next few minutes until, suddenly, without warning, the massive aircraft froze still. Following the inertia, Theo’s avatar, along with everyone else, was thrust forward. In many cases, that resulted in a minor bruising; in this, Theo got to see all twelve links to the goblin gliders snap off, leaving the machines fly off into the distance.

“What the heck?!” both Theo and his avatar asked in unison.

“Anything the matter, sir?” Spok asked. “Is it about the aether crystal taking too long to fully charge?”

“What? No.” Theo thought about it. Now that she mentioned it, the process was agonizingly slow. Based on how much it had managed to fill up till now, it was going to be at least days before it was ready for consumption. “Something stopped my goblin carrier.”

Upon hearing that, the woman made her way out of the study and down to the living room. There she took the scrying crystal ball from its place on the display shelf and put it on the table.

“I have some good news, and some not so good news,” the spirit guide said, looking into the crystal ball. “Your avatar is no longer in the vicinity of the Mandrake Mountains.”

“That’s the good news?” Theo asked in hope.

“Not exactly, sir.” The woman shook her head. “Maybe you should look outside of the airship.”

The avatar did that.

A giant cluster of vines had wrapped itself round the entire vessel, stretching down to the forest below. That, in itself, was quite bad. The vines themselves had the thickness of small trees, and it was going to take considerable effort to remove them without harming the actual ship. Sadly, that wasn’t the worst of it. Looking closely, Theo was able to see creatures on the vines—creatures with bows, knives, spears, and pointy ears.

“Spok, just to be a hundred percent certain. Those are elves, right?”

“Silvarians, to be precise, which are one of the forest sub-species of elves, but yes, indeed they are.”

“And let me guess. They don’t like gnome technology.”

“To be perfectly honest, they just don’t like anyone invading their domain. I don’t think they are particular towards gnomes. Similar to dungeons, they dislike everyone equally much.”

“Just perfect.”

Slowly, Theo lifted the hand of his avatar. A ball of crimson flame appeared within. Before he could throw it, though, Linadra grabbed his arm.

“What are you doing?” she whispered. “Extinguish that right now!”

“Why?” Theo didn’t. “They’re trying to capture us. I’ll burn off the vines and—”

“This is Vinewood. The Silvarians have complete dominance here. If you do anything to the vines, they’ll shoot up a new batch, and that time they won’t wrap themselves around the carrier, but pierce through it.”

Acknowledging her point, the avatar dissolved the fireball. The elves seemed to acknowledge that, for several of them put away their weapons as they climbed their way up.

“You could have warned me to expect this,” the avatar whispered, in annoyed fashion. “I would have thought of something.”

“How was I supposed to know that you’d be so stupid to fly over Vinewood?” the heroine snapped back at him.

“You gave me the direction.”

“I told you which way Rosewind was. I didn’t expect you to follow a straight line to get there! And what’s with the ridiculous speed? Half the mage towers on the continent are probably panicking right now.”

“Why can’t we fight them again? They don’t seem stronger than the demons we faced. Should be easy to—”

“Did you forget the part of tree trunks shooting from the forest into the carrier?” The woman crossed her arms. “We’ll be able to survive, but the hundreds of people aboard won’t.”

To that, Theo had nothing to say. Grumbling to himself, he waited, watching as a small group of elves gathered in on a patch of vines in front of the carrier. After a minute, it was clear that they had no intention of coming in. Thus, Liandra and Theo had no choice but to go out and meet them.

“Spok, anything I should know about these elves?” the dungeon asked in his main body.

“They are highly magical creatures. As such, they prefer to stay away from people and dungeons for that matter.”

“That’s a relief.”

“While they live exclusively in forests, their cities are underground, beneath the roots of the trees to be exact. That would make them natural enemies of dungeons.”

This sounded worse and worse by the second.

With the vines in place, the only way to get off the goblin carrier was through the roof. The dungeon’s avatar made its way along the windy corridors—now packed with people—until reaching the exit hatch. Liandra followed.

“Hello, there!” he said, smiling as wide as he could from the edge of the carrier. As he did, he made sure to cast as many arcane identify spells as he could.

As suspected, a large part of the talismans and weapons the elves were carrying were endowed with magical properties. Two elves in particular were rather impressive: they seemed to have bracelets that allowed them to “command the forest.”

Liandra’s greeting was a lot more elegant. Sliding off the side of the airship, she didn’t say a word until she was face to face to what seemed to be the group’s leader.

“Blessings, great green one,” she said, bowing slightly as she did. “Forgive our poor manners and intrusion. We’re on a way to the kingdoms beyond and weren’t aware that we had trespassed your domain. I assure you, our intention is only—”

“You broke the sacred trust,” the elf interrupted.

That doesn’t sound at all good, Theo, thought, as he levitated down to join the heroine.

“We did not do so knowingly,” Liandra quickly said. “You can see that I’m a hero. You have my honor that we bear no ill will and—”

“What must we do for you to let us fly on?” Theo went straight to the point. Diplomacy was no doubt the smart play, but he didn’t have time to waste right now.

“One who knows the value of time,” the elf said. “That’s good. Our prince wishes to see you. Come with us.”

“A prince? Sounds important.”

“It’s very important, sorcerer. Something is killing the forest, and you are going to find out what and stop it. Then we’ll discuss the matter of letting you go. A fair offer, won’t you say?”

Fair was the last thing it was, but as long as it got Theo out of this place and back on track to Rosewind, he was willing to play along.

“Very well. I’ll go fetch my lieutenants and—”

“Only you.” The elf pointed at the avatar. “The prince wishes to speak only to you and the heroine. Everyone else is to remain on your flying ship. If you cause problems, the vines will crush it and everyone inside.”

That was a bit more direct that Theo expected.

“In that case, we gladly accept the invitation,” the avatar said. Meanwhile, all doors in the dungeon’s main body opened and slammed with irritation.