Thank You For Being Trash

I closed my eyes and closed my ears. If I did, I was afraid all of that would never happen. I hoped it was something that never happened. I acted so obtusely.

When I opened the door and walked through the hallway, Lepis always greeted me…

He wasn’t here.

He was dead.

As my heart thumped, it felt like I was going to collapse at the reality I was facing so clearly. Why couldn’t I face it? Why did I ignore it? How was that possible?

‘Again, if his personality changes like that. He acted as if he had forgotten everything that had happened. When he goes back to his original self, he doesn't remember the change in his personality. Everything that happened then.'

Rewan… how could he do that? How could he forget?

It was an unspoken question. This was my sin. Raise your head, this was reality—those who died because of my meaningless and worthless life.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t want to know. I didn’t know those people.

I felt like I was losing myself, consumed by guilt, as I was mentally exhausted. Something that had been holding me down fell.

As it collapsed, it came crashing down.

Losing my strength, I sat down. I expected someone to reach out to me and lift me up though it was empty outside with no one around. I didn't know how to do anything. It was all my misunderstanding. There was nothing I knew how to do.

Crying, clinging to false warmth, was all I knew how to do.

Why… why did he kill Lepis? Why did he do that? Why? He did something so painful that I couldn't bear to hear or see it.

‘Oh, I don’t know exactly when he changed. Since when did he change like that, and why did he change like that? So, I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't feel guilty if I saw Rewan like this.’

No, since when? He was so twisted like that, and it killed my heart. Since when?

‘No one knows yet what triggers violence. Still, I was guessing it may be murder… but I don't think so.'

How he was able to meet me and do nothing. How was he able to deal with his sadness, hatred, anger, and pain… why didn't he blame me? His gloomy, stagnant emotions were all locked up. He fell somewhere in the abyss and was stuck… that was how he could smile at me, that he was not able to pour out words of resentment to me.

It was not that he wasn't angry with me. It was just that he couldn't express it because it was all locked up, so all he could say was love.

This was a reality I didn't want to face.

…How narrow-minded, petty, and selfish.

‘The reason I chose to stay was that Rewan, who lost his mind, would kill again. So… I will remain by his side. Otherwise, how dare I stand by his side?'

Was the end of my selfishness ruined? There was nothing that could hold in my hands anymore.

* * *

Rewan's condition was a so-called double personality. What name would it be called here? No, it might not even exist here.

In this situation, I felt a certain responsibility… that I shouldn't let Rewan go, I should take him. It was a matter of course. However, it was something I would never have considered. My sins… I wouldn't have wanted a life to suffer.

‘I'm sorry for being so selfish.’

His depression that I ignored, the pain that I forced, that he had no choice but to kill like that… I found an answer after sinking into the abyss? I never expected that the sins that I ignored so much would come back like this.

Actually, I didn't think about that part, considering that he was going to die. I had no consideration at all. I just felt love for him and wanted him to live a little better life for me.

I didn't want his death.

Then, I should have cared about his heart. Why can't I do that? I led him down the path of ruin.

‘Do you want to eat together?’

‘Do you want to spar?'

‘Shall we take a walk together?'

I used him from the beginning, and this relationship was amiss from the start. I tried to attach affection to him in order to forcefully hang myself, who did not feel a sense of belonging. That was why I used him. Nonetheless, I never imagined that it would be so stained and beaten deep enough to be dented.

I didn't know. It was the first time I've felt this feeling.

I realized that this feeling was too late.

My feelings reached him, he laughed and played small pranks. I regretted not being able to go back to those days that I considered insignificant and meaningless. You only knew the value of what you had after time passed and you didn’t have it.

There was only regret.

I’m not a person anymore. I am less of a person. I'm not human.

If I had been a little more human, a better person, and a person who could empathize with other people's pain, would our ending be a little different now? Without him suffering so much, what kind of life would he have lived?

Before, I've never regretted my personality and the life I've lived. Still, these days, I keep regretting it, and it stuck in my heart so it left a scar in my heart.

I regretted my life, I sympathized with his life and it hurt.

Even now, I can't bear to see him because I can't bear to face him. Why did he hurt so much? What kind of person am I to him? Even if I wanted him to vent my resentment against him and pat him on the chest, asking why he did it, I couldn't.

I would lock everything in the abyss, though I couldn’t blame him for putting everything to unconsciousness.

It was a feeling I wouldn't have known if I hadn't fallen so far into the abyss. It was a feeling that I wouldn’t have known until my life was so impoverished.

At the end of that long, long path, I regretted my life. I denied all my actions and denied myself. I admitted that I had lived the wrong life. Did I know the end of my life only after losing everything and destroying everything?

I’d rather have no clue than be like this.

I would live for you in the future.

I would live thinking of you.

I promised.

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