Thank You For Being Trash

There was a modest funeral. Even though it was a bad thing compared to extravagance, Derhan did not let go of the funeral.

I regretted not being able to hold his funeral in a grand manner.

As Derhan put a flower on it, it was a beautiful white and red flower that resembled him. Then, seemingly noticing my gaze, he opened his mouth and spoke quietly.

“It’s Eris.”

“…That's his name.”

“It’s a flower name, too, Eris.”

Derhan took one look at me and turned his head away.

“He came to me… He reached out to me to help with the treason. He was like a god to me, because he gave me a new life. His existence was God itself to me.”

Flicker, flicker.

Through the momentary silence. I heard the burning of a candle.

“By the way, seeing him die like this, he was a human being… I never thought that he would die like this. Life is very futile.”

Derhan laughed bitterly. He stared at the flickering candle for a long time and closed his eyes before his lips parted, slowly speaking his words in a trembling way.

“He told me before the treason. If he succeeds in rebellion, he will give his place to Arne, and if he dies, all his possessions will be given to Arne… and don't blame anyone for his death.”

“….”

“And to call him… by his original name… Eris.”

I braced my legs and got up from my seat. I walked toward the flower Derhan had put down. White and red… a flower that resembles him.

Tears flowed.

Gently holding the flower, I called out his name in a low voice.

“… Eris.”

“He said he had to die. He said he didn't exist… and that he lived such a twisted life that he couldn't straighten it. I don't know what kind of life he lived because I haven't heard in detail. However, only when you are by his side, he felt a certain emotion, a certain heartbeat. He said he seemed alive.”

I lowered my head with my heart numb at the emotions and feelings he left behind and at the stupefying feeling of being weighed down by his love.

It felt like being hit by a rough wave.

Being swept and hit here and there. I was sick and tired and couldn't breathe properly. I gasped with rough breaths.

“That’s why he loved you… he told me so.”

Did he love me that much? Why does such a smart person fall in love with a stupid and stupid person? I wanted to ask him that. I was also talking about love that I do not understand myself, yet I wanted to blame him.

If only I had matured emotionally and was a better person. His end wouldn't have been so empty, either. His tragedy stepped from my selfishness.

It started from the time I didn't hold Rewan's hand.

‘Eris… I feel guilty for your death.’

I felt guilty.

As my heart beat like this, it felt as if it was tearing.

It was caused by guilt, that was it.

You were also my sin.

I accepted the traces he left behind. The family promised to him, the honor promised to him, and the wealth promised to him. My heart ached because I couldn't do anything else.

***

It was like a glass ceiling… I spent those moments where I didn't know when it would break. I was happy with him, and I was unhappy with him. It was such a moment that I didn't know when it would crumble.

At first, I was afraid because I didn't know when his different personalities would come out. I was afraid to face four different personalities. Even so, the emotions I felt at that moment by his side are diverse.

I felt that my life was beautiful.

Happiness. Gratitude. Pleasure. Joy. And… inspiration and love.

I was afraid of my first taste of happiness. I wanted to be able to be this happy… though when misfortune would show its face—when happy feelings would break and disappear—I was afraid of it.

Sometimes, whenever I saw him, I was gripped by some kind of guilt and struggled. On the day when a different personality came out, I was particularly tormented by guilt. I lived with him for several years. At some moment, his other personality popped out.

Eventually, I found out what behavior called his other personalities.

After that, as promised, Acacia left me.

“…I don't think I can keep my promise to you.”

“Why… is it.”

“If we stay together… I was afraid that someone would die.”

“But… Arne, shouldn't there be at least one means to protect you? When I find the exact pattern of when his personality changes, then I'll leave.”

“You are faithful to the end. Thank you, Acacia, for thinking of me.”

“Arne, call me back whenever you need me.”

He stayed the same as time passed. After packing up, I said goodbye to Acacia, who stood in front of the door. I confirmed that Acacia was leaving, seeing through the window.

Now that Acacia was out of sight, I had one last thing to do.

“Did you say goodbye properly?”

He gave me a small smile as he asked me. I hugged his back for a moment without saying anything. I shook my head, weakened by the rhythmic rapid thumping of his heart, because I didn’t want to deceive him anymore.

I wanted to clear up my last mistake, albeit belatedly.

“Rewan. I love you.”

I hoped this would be my last love confession.

He constantly spat out love. If I died, he would die, too. I didn’t know if this was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to deceive him until the end and I didn't want to live a life of lies to him anymore.

Rewan silently hugged me and stroked me.

With the small blade hidden in my chest, I cut a small cut on my finger. As soon as he smelled my blood, I felt ‘he’ had come to the chilled atmosphere.

Feeling his heart beating, I gently caressed his back.

“Arne.”

He still lusted after me.

“Yes, Rewan. I am not the Arne you knew… and the reason you became like this is because of me. I knew the country would be ruined. I knew I would end up like this.”

I held onto his body and told him quickly. I had to tell him since these were the truths that should have been said.

He didn't say anything the whole time.

That was what I was trying to say to the gentle Rewan, who hadn't changed.

Still, I couldn't. No matter what I said, he couldn't hear it. It seemed that he couldn't hear my ugly, selfish features. I felt disappointed when the confession I had uttered with great courage was not heard. so it took me a long time to gather the will to confess to him that was in a different personality.

When he transformed into a different personality, I couldn't speak with Acacia near the room. I was afraid my talks would leak out, and Acacia would hear it. Even though it was selfish, I didn't want Acacia to know about this.

I had to muster up another courage to tell him.

I spat out the hidden, ugly things of that day. He didn't say anything until I finished talking.

…Was he calming down his anger?

He said nothing. I was afraid of him not moving.

Eventually, he turned his head. His expression, which I thought was distorted with anger, was nothing. He looked at me with a curt face.

“So what? You want me to kill you? But I don't want to kill you…”

His cold eyes met mine. He touched my body with one hand. He took a deep breath and whispered in my ear.

“Arne. I don't want to talk much about things that couldn’t change now.”

Rewan grabbed my arm. He swallowed my lips.

“I am lusting after you now, that's the only thing I'm concentrating on. It's none of my business what the past was like or what you were like.”

Among the reactions I thought of, I didn’t expect this reaction from him. Even though I was embarrassed, I laughed for a while. Somehow, I was comforted by his cold words that didn't sound like consolation.

Even when he said that he only wanted my body, I laughed.

“Don’t laugh? Spread your legs.”

I gladly put my hand on his shoulder.

***

Many nights passed, and I was happy with the moments I had with Rewan. Sometimes I even called him using blood. After intense s*x with him, I talked to him a lot. Even if he hated me, he couldn’t help but love me because he was Rewan.

He was sometimes eaten up by some emotion and vomited resentment on me—sometimes jealousy, sometimes anger, sometimes love—such huge, big emotions rained on me.

I was willing to endure all of that.

After spitting that out for a long time, he collapsed like a doll with an untied string. I stroked him wordlessly. His emotions sitting in the abyss were shady, sticky, and dirty, but I didn't hate them.

The days pass like that.

Occasionally, when something filled my body with emptiness, I would ask Rewan a question to calm my anxiety. I always ask the same question.

“Do you regret your life?”

“Why do you say that? Arne. Standing by your side, I have never regretted my life for a single moment. Don't say that, Arne.”

[ You. What answer do you want to hear from such a question? This personality is also strange. I regret it. Sometimes. But what kind of life is there without regret? ]

“What about you? Do you regret living by my side?”

[ What about you? ]

I regretted my life.

I realized that at the last moment when it was all twisted, broken, and messed up. The end could have been reached without twisting it like this. If I hadn't been greedy, the ending would have been better than now.

I regretted loving him. Even so, every moment I was by his side was a light or a twinkle that I wouldn’t regret the moment I caught him.

So, I shook my head.

“No. Not at all.”

I smiled at him.

[ Arne. You told me the whole truth, but there's one thing I didn't tell you.

You know that? The most misleading thing about love is sympathy. The feelings you feel for me are sympathy disguised as love. Silly, foolish, you don't know until the end. You think you love me miserably.

I don't know when or what day you felt sympathy for me and confused it with love… because your eyes looking at me are not love. I'm so terribly selfish to admit that you don't love me.

I wanted to have you, even if only your body.

I hate you for sympathizing with me because I am so selfish because my hatred towards you starts here.

Arne. I want to ask you: Who did you love, not me? When will you love me? ]

[ Thank you for being trash.

The End. ]

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