Thank You For Being Trash

I lay still on the bed like a corpse.

Even though time has passed, I couldn't feel the passage of time. The noisy outside also became quiet at some point, and then it became still. I felt a certain helplessness in that stillness as I stared blankly at the ceiling and closed my eyes.

Many thoughts passed through my head. Some thoughts took root in my head, while others burned with intensity like falling sparks and then abandoned.

What did I want? What result did I want? What did people around me expect from me? There were many differences between the way others saw me and the real me. I didn't know why they thought they wanted to protect me, love me, and embrace me.

Risking their life, giving their life… how could they be so devoted?

I was a little surprised when I left the dining room today. Was I the kind of person who could act emotionally like this? Was I such a thoughtful person? Even I was awkward and unfamiliar with the new face of me, who was increasing day by day?

I always discovered a new side of myself and personally experienced and confirmed that I was changing. Nonetheless, I thought that people did not change easily. The essence of me had not changed as I always suffered and anguished from contradictions.

The root did not change.

Selfish, self-centered and my top priority had not changed one bit. Living such a selfish life, I wanted to live a different life from now.

What kind of selfishness was this?

The fragmented mind, the remnants of feelings and emotions, floated in my empty head. I lay on one side of the bed and only wept in a daze… melted by love, worry, and affection, my fragile heart crumbled into pieces at the slightest shock.

The emotions I learned made me feel that I was a human being. However, before being human, I was a selfish beast and I always walked a tightrope on that thin line. A dangerous act that was precarious and may collapse at any time.

For a while, I was confused about my path, so I thought that was why I was suffering now… yet, why was I still suffering?

Why was this momentary swaying period so long?

I raised my body.

Time had passed that the day got so dark, still, the darkened sky didn't tell me anything. I walked slowly and approached the window. I looked up at the cloudy sky.

It seemed like it would rain.

I'd rather it just pour out. Let everything be swept away. This emotion, this thought, this confusion… Everything.

As I opened the window, a damp, lukewarm wind blew. While I stared blankly at the procession of carriages gathered outside, people came and went busily, loading up, talking, and laughing, I felt some kind of vitality even though they looked busy.

They were alive… but what about me?

I unconsciously spread my palms.

My resolution at that time disappeared along with this trace. I held my hand lightly before closing my eyes.

Soon, a knock came at the door, but I ignored the sound. The number of people who came to my room was limited, and I didn't want to meet them. I stared out the window in a daze despite the constant noise.

The dark sky began to pour out something.

I reached out the window and was hit by the pouring rain.

Raindrops… The endless raindrops hit my hand as the people below rushed to their feet as they hurriedly carried the things back to the mansion. The knocking sound was drowned out by the loud sound of rain.

As someone came in, I felt a presence behind my back. I leaned against the hot body temperature. Someone reached out and put their hand on top of my hand, which was out of the window.

“Arne.”

My heart beat helplessly at the voice I always wanted and wanted to see. Like the ripples of a wave, like the flooding of a river, it jumped helplessly.

Thump, thump.

The heart was beating.

“If it's hard for you to see me, I'll leave.”

“Rewan.”

Don't leave me.

I closed my lips. It was a selfish thought. Awful. Terrible and disgusting. I said that I didn't want to stand next to him, that I hated him, and that I said hurtful words to him. Yet I didn't want to give up the warmth I felt. I was short of breath in that terrible gap.

“Yes. Arne.”

“…If that's your decision, I won't stop you."

I barely let out the words I didn't mean to say.

The mouth that spat out unwanted words became bitter, as if thorns had grown on them. I was not used to telling him even familiar lies, so it hurt even more.

Rewan's hot hands were cooled by the cold rainwater. He put his fingers in my hand. Slowly, he brought my arm outside back in. He let go of my clasped hands. The hand he was holding disappeared, and it made me want to turn my hand.

I wanted to yell at him if he would give up on me.

What kind of feeling was it to want to hold on to him even if I shook him off? Who could explain these feelings? As he gently hugged me from behind and buried his head in my shoulder, I heard Rewan’s beating heart.

His breath touched his neck.

“A little more… I wish I had known I loved you a little more sooner.”

A small sigh and a voice filled with resignation reached my ears. He quietly confessed his love.

“I love you, Arne.”

There was a time when I wanted this confession that came out of his lips so much. Didn’t they say that what you couldn’t have made you feel more desperate? I was a bit discouraged now, and I was just left with frustration.

That way, I'd be able to hide the feelings I felt for him faster.

Drip.

Raindrops dripped down my fingertips and onto the floor. In the midst of the rain noise, the sound of water falling to the floor was clear to my ears. It touched me like the sound of my heart crashing to the floor.

The part where Rewan's wet hand touched me was stained with water. It got cold.

“I love you. Arne, I hope you are happy.”

“Yes. I will.”

“Please, I hope… you live a happy life.”

“Yes.”

“Fly freely, may you depart for faraway places. You are my eternal master.”

Rewan’s warmth on my body disappeared before he left the room. I heard the door slam shut and fell to the floor.

He said goodbye to me.

Tormented by the decision I had made, I couldn't breathe, even if my selfishness made my teeth tremble and my heart throbbed. In the end, it was my selfishness that protected me from collapsing. No one could relieve my pain and my sorrow.

Even though I loved him, it was my selfishness that I could not take him.

It was my selfishness to destroy him and ignore his pain.

Giving up on him and letting him go is my selfishness. What kept me from falling was my selfishness… and what made me stumble was also my selfishness.

* * *

“I thought it would just be a shower. I said I was leaving today, but it rained so much that I couldn't go. It's a little awkward.”

Derhan knocked on the window sill in the parlor.

He made a cheerful tapping sound that matched the beat of the sound of rain. It was the only brightness in the cold room, but still, a stagnant atmosphere oppressed the space. It was still raining profusely, the day was dark, and the air was damp.

"That's too much of a welcome for a fresh start."

He then looked up at the sky and smiled brightly before glancing around at the faces gathered in the parlor.

“I called to say my last goodbye properly… Your face is not good.”

Red liquid poured into the wine glass in front of me as Derhan raised his glass. Everyone managed to lift their glasses and put the wine in their mouths.

It was red wine with a bitter taste.

“Rewan looked for you like that, why don’t you stay with him? Acacia and Lepis will stay anyway.”

Gazing at me, Derhan raised the glass and put it to his mouth.

Rewan's glass swayed as he drank the wine with trembling hands before he put the glass down with a groan. He barely held on to the glass and looked at me with dark eyes for a long time. He soon got up and went out of the parlor.

“Did I say something wrong?”

When Derhan looked around with a puzzled face, they avoided his gaze. I put the wine in my mouth.

“It was something he would find out someday anyway.”

“What? Didn't you tell Rewan that Lepis and Acacia would stay?"

I smiled bitterly at Derhan.

The empty glass was filled with wine. I drank a few cups in succession. Today was a day when I needed a drink. Of course, the taste of the alcohol was bitter, so much so that the aftertaste lingered in my mouth.

* * *

Late at night, Lepis came to my room.

As he knelt down to me, he was looking at my toes with his head down. However, it was dark outside the window, so two flickering candles barely illuminated the room.

“That’s why I haven’t properly apologized to you yet.”

Tack, tack.

With the sound of the wind, only the sound of rain filled the room.

“I’m sorry I forced you.”

“….”

“I’m sorry for judging you carelessly.”

The smell of alcohol and bitterness still lingered in my mouth. I gazed at him with hazy eyes, still drunk.

“I’m sorry for judging you arbitrarily.”

Lepis raised his head and looked at me. Purple eyes that did not go out even in the dark shimmered.

“Get up.”

“I am someone who has neither the right to apologize to you nor the right to be forgiven.”

“Stop it. Even if you apologize like this, I have no place next to you.”

Contrary to my heart, I spat out cold words. It was these lips that always hurt others. I didn't have the courage to look at Lepis's face, so he let go of the string of reason I was barely holding on to.

I was afraid.

The alcohol quickly consumed my body. How was I moving your body? What kind of mind was I standing in? This body was too weak even when alcohol was weak. At times like this, I definitely felt that it was not my body as I laughed bitterly.

Rain poured down outside the window.

Thunderstruck.

“Tonight is going to be a little noisy.”

I smiled bitterly at the clear golden eyes that could be seen through the open door.

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