Thank You For Being Trash

I met Rewan the night Distria died.

At first, I hugged him silently. Even though I wanted to cry, I tried to hold it in as it felt like something was collapsing. If I had met him a little sooner, wouldn't I have been able to take his love selfishly?

Looking at Distria before he died, I checked my feelings at that time. Because I was so selfish, mean, and lacking, I couldn't bear to confess that I loved him. How could I say I love him when I lived a life of lies?

No. I couldn’t.

I couldn’t do it. I didn't want to be uglier anymore, so I endured it… I pretended not to know my flowing emotions.

Good job. It was all over now.

Originally there were many things I wanted to say when I met him like I love you. I denied that feeling and barely admitted that I loved him. I wanted to say that I was sorry for finding out late and hurting him.

However, I couldn't get the words I had been holding back from coming out of my mouth as I was too ignorant to even think about it myself. Just a relationship between you and me, your despair… everything was over now.

I hid my heart and said that. He was silent when I said that our relationship had ended. I wanted to see him so much, and I wanted to spit out the word of love.

Still, after we met, I couldn't say anything.

Rewan was like untrodden snow in the middle of winter. He was such an innocent and pure person. The worries, love, and those feelings sent to me were pure. He was just someone who sent pure desire.

I denied the love I felt at first because I was someone that has pursued only dirty, squalid, and evil desires… I denied it because such pure and clean feelings didn’t suit me. Also, I thought that when he sent affection to me, he sent it to Arne, not to me, so I refused.

It was a rejection out of instinct since our lives were different.

At first, I came here and looked for him because I had no one to lean on. I was heartbroken even though I knew he wasn't smiling at me. I knew he didn’t love me, so it was a sin I committed, and it was me who pretended not to know my feelings.

To him, I was like an afterimage of her.

Now, I didn’t know what that meant, but at the time, I was afraid of it. Maybe I misunderstood that his affection was for me, not for Arne.

Could it be that it can't be undone…?

I was afraid of that.

And by the time I gradually accepted his love and acknowledged my love, it was already an irreversible situation. I insulted him, polluted him, and ruined everything because I only thought of my own greed. I had already given up on his love in a situation that could neither be undone nor turned back.

To give up like that, take the pleasure and take the gain… I was ashamed to stand next to him because I had such days.

And now, when he came to me or when he did not give up on me, I knew his hardships. Nonetheless, as I was lacking and selfish, I did not have the courage to stand next to him. This was the best way I rationalized my ugly mind.

I would ignore him.

“Sorano is ruined, and you are neither my fiancé nor an escort knight anymore. I appreciate your responsibility for not giving up on me until the end. Now, you can go the way you want.”

Because it was a deceitful and selfish country. Because I wasn’t good enough to be by his side Because he was an infinitely shining being… I couldn't stand next to him.

Silence reigned in the room.

Even though I could hear Rewan's sigh, I couldn't look at him so I lowered my gaze.

“Look into my eyes, Arne.”

I turned my head away from meeting his gaze. I was afraid that if we faced each other, I'd just confess my love. As I averted my gaze, Rewan's tear-soaked voice reached my ears. Was he crying? I couldn't wipe away his tears or comfort his melancholy.

“Is it because I, because I am not helpful to you? Because I am giving you a hard time?”

“No. That's not true.”

“But why… why? Why are you doing this to me?”

Grabbing my shoulder and exhaling furiously, Rewan's strong grip trembled. He buried his face in my shoulder. One side of my shoulder got damp.

“Arne, I've been running for you. I didn't mind killing or anything. I love you…”

“Stop, stop. stop.”

I took a step away from him. If he talked about his pain like that, if he talked about his hardship, I would get smaller. I would get infinitely smaller and run away. I didn't want to know the pure effort he had made for me.

I blocked my ears because I didn’t deserve that kind of love.

“Arne.”

It was right not to confess to him.

This was also my selfishness. I didn't want a lesser life and I didn't want to live by his side, endlessly feeling the lack of people, seeing a person who was flawless and pure, acknowledging and comparing myself with my selfishness and ugliness.

Not confessing was also my selfishness.

When I said I loved him, I never thought of him. Even though I swore never to tell him of love, the moment I raised my head and met his eyes, I had no choice but to spit out love.

My heart didn't easily go the way I wanted, so I selfishly confessed my love. I wanted to confess my heart to him without wanting to stand by his side.

“I love you.”

It was a few words that looked simple and sincere. I was gasping for breath as I spit out the words. It was a selfish confession.

When I met his eyes, full of confusion, I looked at his parted lips before hurriedly reaching out my hand and covering Rewan's mouth. I was afraid of what he would say. I was afraid to confirm his heart. So I lied.

“…But, I can’t imagine a good future with you.”

I became infinitely depressed because I couldn't spit out the truth even for a moment. What did I live for? Where did this false life begin?

It was all my selfishness.

My selfishness… this was a tragedy brought on by my selfishness.

“I love you, but I hate you.”

It was a lie.

Suddenly, Rewan's tears touched my hand. I abandoned my heart and denied my feelings.

“I hate you.”

Lie.

“It’s difficult to see you.”

…Lie. Lie. Lie.

What would change if I added a lie over a life full of lies?

I remembered Distria’s possessive eyes. I remembered his confession in prison. His eyes that let me know my bottom.

You are mine. I love you.

It was my shackles. The shackles that dragged me down to his side.

* * *

At the end of the melancholy, I couldn't breathe and gasped. It was painful even to breathe as my heart thumped painfully. The past me who was happy that Rewan was alive was dead.

I was worried that he was alive. I was the one who was ugly, but I hated that I made him dream in vain. I hate it.

Thump-thump.

The beating heart complained of pain.

It was hard to be alive, and it was painful to be alive. See life easily and see other people's pain easily. I breathed in slowly. Yes, because I, being selfish, looked at other people's lives easily and thought about them easily.

In the end, I was in so much pain.

I thought it was a punishment. I rejected all visitors and spent a lot of time alone in my room. I cleared my depression and comforted myself. It was because seeing their worried expressions made me want to die.

So, that was how it went.

“Arne, I have something to say to you.”

As I heard Lepis' voice, I put on a blanket and waited for him to disappear from the door. My heart was pounding. Even after a while, the presence of him knocking on the door, my voice was filled with anger.

“Arne.”

I heard his voice again.

…Don't call me. Don't bother me.

Jumping up from my seat, I strode to the door and opened the door.

“I told you not to come!”

I yelled at him.

“Arne. Why are you crying? I was wrong.”

I got angry and took a deep breath. Why do emotions take precedence over reason these days? Startled, I raised my hand to my eye.

It felt moist.

“I-I told you not to come, but… you come.”

I spat out words in such a gibberish state that I did not know what he was talking about. A breath soaked in tears flowed from my mouth, but I just let go and cried. I couldn't bring out the words inside, but I wanted to be comforted.

I cried in front of him.

Lepis was an underdog in front of me—an abbreviation for love—so I thought of him easily. It shouldn't be like that, but I thought he was a trash can of emotions. Still, reason couldn't overcome emotion, so I poured it out even though I knew it was wrong.

“Arne. Don't cry.”

He stood at the door and stroked my hair with a soft, clumsy hand.

I was being mean to him, so why was he being so nice? No one could hate or deserve to be hated properly. Although I wanted to relieve my emotions, I was swallowed up by the magnitude of the depression.

"I'm here to apologize to you."

“What…! What did you do wrong?”

“I did everything wrong with you. It's my fault that I'm alive and breathing. You can easily kill me…”

I slapped Lepis on the cheek. Why would he keep asking me to kill him? I forgot the things where I asked him to die before. The harsh words that were said to push him away in the past came back as daggers like this.

It felt like my heart was being ripped open and burning as my heart ached. It was hard to breathe, and I was gasping for breath.

“Don't do it. Go away.”

“Arne.”

“Go away!”

I slammed the door shut.

When I myself have been living a false life, I laughed out loud at the fact that I grabbed and shook someone else's life, so I just laughed. I have had a really funny life. I laughed for a while in dejection, then raised my head. I didn't know how to start over and get it right.

Did I want to live a selfish life and give up that life now? Was that also a selfish mind? Should I just live with the price of sin? My heart hurt too much for that.

My heart was sore.

…I wanted to leave. I wanted a fresh start among people who didn’t know me.

I had a selfish thought.

* * *

Even at the end of a grueling day, morning came without fail.

“I am going down to the estate now. It takes a lot of time to make new laws and establish a new imperial castle.”

Derhan laughed. As he talked about this and that, he held out a piece of paper.

“Arne, it was nice to meet you, and next time you come down to the Imperial Capital, I'll buy you nice clothes and nice jewelry, and you can have this house.”

I glanced at the paper and hit the table with a thump before getting up from my seat.

“I don’t need it.”

I hurriedly ran into the room as my body trembled.

“No. It's not my life.”

I was tormented by the fact that nothing was true. Since when did I ask for the truth when my life itself was false?

I laughed at myself.

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