Thank You For Being Trash

The sun always rises again in the morning. As the seasons change, flowers wither and bloom again. It was as natural as that. People will die someday.

Still, I never imagined his death.

He was arrogant, cruel and bloody, and he always lived close to death. He always smelled of blood. Always the one who drove others to death, he was a man who looked down on death.

It made no sense that I had never thought of such a person's death. The shadow of death always eluded him. He didn't dodge it this time, though.

As I gazed at the blood-soaking floor, I could see deep red marks in the desolate space where the light faded and disappeared. My eyes went to the blood that continued to expand its territory. The traces of blood reached my toes.

The blood was so cold that I couldn't imagine that it was the blood that had just flowed through his body.

“Is…is he alive or dead?”

I went silent for a long time before finally opening his mouth. The words that came out were not smooth. He seemed out of place to be alive though acknowledging death was better than denying life.

The mouth that confirmed his life and death was rough.

“No. Unfortunately, his death is not mine.”

When he was told he wasn't dead, my body relaxed. I didn't say it out of concern for his life or death. However, it just made me feel dizzy. Strong arms entangled my body as I fell to the floor, and I heard breathing in my ears.

“Don’t get hurt anymore. You can't get hurt.”

“Why…?”

“Because he is crazy.”

My heart beat loudly, and my speaking lips trembled.

“H-he, who is he?”

“Rewan.”

When I confirmed that he was alive, my mind went blank. The man's voice could be heard vaguely in the distance.

“But he has to say…”

He was alive.

* * *

I opened my eyes.

It was an unfamiliar space, not the room he always stayed in, and the surroundings were bright. When I got up, my hand, which was wounded in anxiety, was wrapped in a white cloth. Even the soles of my feet, which had been dyed red, returned to their original color.

The castle was visible through the window. And when I turned my head, I saw reddish hair that I hadn't seen in a long time.

I couldn't believe his existence. So for a while, everything stopped.

I was the one who hurt him and let him go though I didn’t know why he came looking for me. I grabbed Lepis’ collar as he turned around.

The purple eyes touched me.

The rebellion succeeded, and the country was ruined. If this was life, not death, then Lepis had helped the rebellion.

I didn't understand. Why did he help the rebellion?

There were many things I wanted to say as jumbled words floated around in my head. Didn’t you hate me? Twisting your love, shifting the blame for my mistakes. I was venting my anger. Why did you help me? Why did you stay with me? Why wouldn’t you leave me? Did you still love me?

“Why… are you here?”

“There is still work to be done. When it’s over, I'll leave on my own. Until then, I will act as inconspicuously as possible… but I did not know that you would wake up so early.”

I didn't mean it that way, what was he thinking?

He seemed very flustered as he threw words at me. He acted like a sinner.

Tears welled up when I saw his attitude. Despite my harshness, Lepis still felt sorry for me. I grabbed his collar.

“It’s, it’s not like that.”

“Arne, don’t cry. It’s my fault.”

Lepis carefully wiped away the flowing tears. I was relieved by his gentle and affectionate comfort. I confessed my sins.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry. I misunderstood you…so I resented you, blamed you, and didn’t accept you.”

“Arne, don't apologize to me. I don't deserve an apology from you.”

It didn't matter what Lepis said or not. This was to confess my sins regardless of what he felt, no matter how he saw me. It was only about confessing my sins. I spat out the words and emotions that had been clogged up.

“Thank you… for loving…me. I was happy and grateful for that love.”

“Arne.”

“But, I’m sorry I couldn’t accept it.”

It was a confession of the feelings that had been hidden. Confessing my sins, confessing my heart. Admitting the life I’ve lived wrong… admitting my mistake.

I wanted to stand by Rewan with a little bit of pride like that.

* * *

“The introduction is late, Arne. I am Roswell Khan Derhan, the next Emperor of the Empire.”

It was the man from that time.

I greeted the man whom I had mistaken for Rewan. Still, I wasn't curious about this man. I just asked about Rewan's safety. Please let me meet him. It was frustrating. I wanted to scream.

“What about Rewan?”

“I heard you became an idiot who can’t speak and just laughed. Did you come to your senses after meeting Rewan, seeing that you keep looking for him?”

Derhan laughed and knocked on the desk as Lepis was standing next to him. He did not hide his discomfort, as if he did not like this position.

As Derhan grabbed my chin, he moved my head at will as if he was checking on me.

Not bothering to hide my displeasure, I clenched my hand.

“If I kill Rewan, will you become an idiot again? I can take you after that. Your face is smooth, and you’ll do well at night…”

“Your Majesty.”

When Lepis cut him off, he raised both hands and shook his head. Then, he turned his head to look at Lepis and smiled.

“Of course, it's a joke. I don’t want to turn an honest ally into an enemy.”

Lepis tried to say something, but he bit his lips. It was uncomfortable being here, so I fiddled with my fingers. Because of that, my skinned fingertips were stinging and the white cloth was dyed red again.

“Rewan, whom you’re worrying about, is fine now. It's just that you can't see him right now."

“…Why?”

“It’s difficult to say… rather than seeing him, I'll give you a good tour.”

Suddenly, Derhan stood up from his seat. He grabbed my arm and pulled me.

“Your Majesty!”

Lepis shook off Derhan's hand that was holding me before hiding me behind his back. The sudden collision froze the air. Why were they being like this? Why were they fighting all of a sudden?

“Ah…! I’m sorry. Was I too rough? I've never made friends, so I'm less social. I apologize for any inconvenience.”

“Haa… Your Majesty, you don't even have to say that. And pay attention to the way you speak… how many times do I have to tell you?”

…What were they doing?

At first, the creepy and little crazy appearances were put together like puzzle pieces. I didn’t think he was less social… rather, he was crazy in a different way.

“Hey, she’s laughing.”

Nothing was resolved. I feel like my uncomfortable and heavy heart was relieved even a little bit. Laughter burst out unknowingly.

What happened, what did you do?

As I asked Lepis, he slowly explained the situation so far to me. The rebellion was a success, and he said it was easier than expected.

The previous Emperor killed the Empire’s founding contributor, slaughtered nobles at will, and destroyed the temple… in particular, making me the empress. The marriage process also helped to pull the start of the rebellion, where the nobles’ opposition had reached its extreme.

We talked like that. However, there was no mention of Rewan in the conversation with Lepis.

* * *

“I’m sorry for leaving without a word. At that time… I regret not being able to hold you.”

It was late at night that Acacia came.

I wonder if it was okay for me to be happy after all my sins had been relieved like this, that I was somehow happy to have met him, and I couldn’t control myself. My heart sank. I thought it was an opportunity to right all my wrongs.

“At that time, I regretted not killing him.”

The moonlight shone in the dark night sky.

Acacia knelt down and sat beneath me before he put his lips on the top of my feet and lifted himself to look at me. The next moment, he took out a dagger from his chest and gave it to me… the plain, patternless dagger that he once gave me.

As soon as I saw the dagger, tears poured out.

“Ah… Why is it…”

Why was it so late when I gave up halfway? I had no shame in pouring out resentment for waiting for you, expecting you to pick me up.

Acacia spat out the words calmly.

“I’m sorry for taking so long.”

I blankly fiddled with the dagger he gave me. I couldn't figure out what to say to him. Which words should I start with? From using his worries and using his compassion? Or not…….

“Arne. Now, I…”

…Did I say anything to him carelessly?

Acacia grabbed my hand that was holding the dagger.

“Will you kill me?”

When I'm useless, stab me with that knife.

He uttered lowly.

My heart dropped at his words. The words he said that time came to mind, and I asked him even though I knew why he was asking me to kill him.

My voice trembled.

“Why…? Why are you asking me to kill you?”

“Because you don't need me. Because you wanted to kill me. Because I have to die for you… so I came.”

“Stop! Say no more.”

I yelled at him. The words I had casually uttered, the words that had hurt him, came back. I was hurt by him shamelessly whispering to me to kill him, and I shook his hand that was holding mine. In case he was really about to die, I grabbed the blade with both hands.

“Don’t.”

“I am the one who ruined your country.”

“No.”

“I am the one who dropped you into the abyss.”

“No…!”

“Are you saying no out of sympathy for me, out of affection for me?”

“…No.”

Acacia held my hand.

Suddenly, blood was pouring out.

I didn't know how or where to confess. I had nothing to say other than ‘no.’ Saying harsh words to him, taking advantage of his sympathy… that was not what was wrong with me. It was because it was all because I was not Arne.

…I couldn’t bear to say it. I hoped he wouldn’t die.

“Don’t you resent me?”

“I do not resent you.”

“Arne.”

Acacia looked at my hand, holding the sword. He gently raised my hand and held it. I didn't even know I was hurt. Blood dripped from my hand.

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t die.”

“Yes. I will not die if you wish.”

“Live.”

There was nothing else I could say… no apologies, no remorse, no words.

Soon, I realized one thing.

I couldn’t tell anyone everything. Now, I knew that I had to live my life deceiving others.

…It was the price of my sin of deceiving others.

__