Thank You For Being Trash

He touched the money he received from Acacia. There was a sound of gold coins clashing and clanging. Rewan didn't know how he got on or off the carriage in what mind…

He laughed dejectedly at the open sky he hadn't seen in a long time, then cried.

It'd been a long time since he has been out. The blue sky he hadn’t seen in a long time…. it'd been a long time since he felt the sunlight. He felt a sense of happiness at seeing this scenery he hadn't seen in a while.

He was happy to see the sun go down and to see the sunrise.

At the same time, he felt a sense of helplessness. A life like this… was pitiful to live on and it could be considered filthy.

Even then, for some reason, he felt unfair and cried while hitting himself in the chest. He was struggling like he was about to die, but the world turned and the day and night and time went by. The country was ruined, his life was thrown into hell… and he betrayed his master's trust.

Even though he wanted the world to end as well as his own life, only his world was ruined. It was such a trivial injustice.

It was a shame that only he knew. He broke down and cried.

When he stared at the Imperial Palace, which looked blurry in the distance, he hated it. It was hateful… It was a place where it would be okay for him to tear it apart. As the felt anger seething from deep within, he was helpless.

He got frustrated and he felt disgusted because he was so incompetent for talking like that, even though he had no strength.

Several days have passed since then.

The number of knights in the Imperial Palace looking for him increased. Thinking of Arne, while it would be right to leave, he couldn't take a step. Was there anything he can do by staying there? Again, it was right to leave rather than hold back.

What kind of regret is this… what kind of heart is this?

He was not helpful, and he was not helping, so his master was helped by the knights of the enemy country… and when she was being helped by an enemy knight, she was sexually exploited by others and used as a tool…

He didn’t know what to do… he forgot his duty.

It was not all his fault…

Being sexually exploited, being used as a tool, and forgetting what to do. It wasn't all his fault. He knew, but he didn't know. Rewan was constantly pacing and blaming himself.

What nights he had, what days he had, what feelings he had.

…That didn't mean anything in front of Arne because he was a sinner before her.

* * *

He crammed himself into a small room and slept in fear of those who pursued him. He couldn't sleep comfortably for a single day. Even so, Rewan did not think of leaving this place. It was because if he left this place, he would betray Arne even more…

He didn’t want that.

And now, he regretted not leaving.

He could not have imagined that there would be a worse hell than this. Originally, misfortune came without anyone knowing. Rewan hated himself more than anyone else.

After he was hit with a blunt weapon and fell down, when he opened his eyes, he was in a familiar basement. For a moment, he thought it was a dream at first and closed his eyes again. As the cold fingers pulled his hair up, he realized the reality.

The moment he heard Distria’s laugh, the feeling of killing was shining in his darkened eyes.

Rather than wanting to tear apart him, Rewan wanted Distra to kill him right away. It was foolish mind. He wanted to run away from reality.

The corners of Distria's mouth went up in an arc.

His life was in hell. What kind of life where one ended their life?

The next moment, Distria grabbed his chin. With the the whisper in his ear that was hateful, sharp metal pieces cut through his entire body.

“I will not kill you.”

Even when his body was torn apart, he felt no pain. It was more heartbreaking than that. He'd rather cry out to be killed.

At the end of his life, he remembered Arne so he persevered hard. She was a contradictory existence that made him want to live while making him want to die. Holding on to his broken mind, Rewan didn't know that everything would break into pieces.

He smiled dejectedly.

He was split and torn like that and hung on a pole.

Drip, drip.

His blood dripped and made a puddle.

He could feel the gazes of others. Even in the situation where his death was on display, even in the situation where the blood that fell from his body was drying up and twisting, he was worried about Arne.

Rewan was worried about Arne, who would be shocked to see him like this.

This was his fault.

It was his fault for not leaving even though she told him to leave. It was his fault that he was intoxicated with his own thoughts and remained only with that short-sighted mind, determined not to betray Arne.

Although She gave him a chance to leave this place, how could a knight leave his master…

It happened because she didn't listen to her order properly.

His life was a sin.

Rewan mocked himself. He didn't want Arne to visit him. He knew it was an impossible wish… yet he wanted it. He hoped she didn’t see him.

Time passed, and as he stepped onto the threshold of death, he had the last thought of wanting to see Arne so he persevered. It was because he wanted to apologize one last time. It was such feelings and such thoughts…

That was why he held on, but he didn't want to owe his life that way.

He didn't want to live so miserably.

* * *

He regretted not dying.

…What was the use of a last apology?

He couldn't help but laugh at the feeling of joy in not being able to die, hitting the ground, and then raising his head. He was happy that she wanted to save him… even if he struggles with disgust at his selfishness or even if he regrets his life in the feast that unfolds before his eyes…

He was happy about that fact.

Terrible selfishness.

Ahh, Arne.

‘Don't do that. Arne, please…’

He loved her.

Did she love him?

No, it couldn’t be. He ruined her life by her, he disrespected her. How could she love him? Arne moved her steps toward him. She came up to the podium with wobbly legs and lowered herself.

Arne. I was sorry for you.

I couldn’t do anything for you. I'm sorry I can't give you anything… but how are you doing this to me? Why are you trying to save me so much?

I'm looking forward to this situation as well. Do you love me…

It was a selfish mind. It was a selfish feeling. He forcibly suppressed the words he wanted to say.

“Run away. Don't come back.”

“…Ar… ne.”

He wanted to ask. Rewan opened his lips.

‘Do you love me?'

It made him sick to see himself trying to take care of his selfishness even in such a miserable situation. As he was disgusted with wishing she loved him, he shook his head even though he wondered if it was love for her that she did this. How can she love someone like him?

“…Forget me.”

He gazed into Arne's eyes and gave up his thoughts. He asked another question.

Why did you save me, who was useless and couldn't do my job properly?

“Why…why… Did you save me?”

“….”

“I…I am not even a knight. I've already insulted you twice, and I held you down with my life… Why did you save me?”

The words he really wanted to ask were buried in his heart. Rewan really wanted to die… he wanted to end this bottomless life.

"Why! Why did you save me after going through such humiliation?”

He wanted to chew on his lips, which were chattering uncontrollably with agitation. He wanted to rip out his tongue.

Rewan wanted to cry. Why was he angry? Why would he…

“I…”

Arne's lips moved and closed.

He mocked himself, fluttering and anticipating her. As he shook his head, it was only now that he realized the semen on Arne's body. It was the result of saving him. His heart, excited with anticipation, fell to the floor.

Rewan busily moved his hand. The semen, which had already hardened, adhered to her body and could not be erased.

He wept.

With what qualifications could he do that?

He felt his reason wear and crumble. He must be crazy to try to whisper love even under these circumstances. It was clear what had happened to his head.

“I’m, I’m sorry… I…can’t, wipe, wipe it off.”

Arne said nothing. She'd be disgusted. She must have gone through harsh humiliation to save him, but he took his anger out on her like that.

Yet he was a selfish person… he was a disgusting person.

“I’m sorry…because I'm alive… Because I can’t do anything.”

Rewan quietly held Arne in his arms. His heart thumped and made a sound, unable to grasp the situation. He hoped she couldn't hear his heartbeat. This, this, wasn't his heart. Even in this situation, the beating heart was not his heart.

* * *

He was suffering.

He choked several times a day and suffered several times a day. Still, it was the sin he had committed and the karma he had committed, and it was something he had to solve.

He insulted his master twice, took his anger out on her, and… he wanted to die because he was disgusted and distressed for having acted like that. Even though he was forcibly moving in line with the cause of revenge, he was the one who hurt the one he loved.

Every night he woke up gasping for breath. It was too late to sleep. Rewan didn’t know why she saved him, so he just worked hard on what he was told to do.

Kill people, kill people. Solving epidemics and killing people…

He killed many people.

He struggled in pain when hearing Arne's story that came from time to time. Arne had lost her mind. She was sent to the temple… and soon, the Emperor abandoned the temple. She became the Empress and the grand wedding was held.

The Emperor killed all who opposed the marriage.

These stories…

It was painful. He wanted to plug his ears and block them. Everyone liked that the Emperor was mad about the woman and ruining the country. Saying that his reason was paralyzed, they liked it because they could easily succeed in rebellion… but why was he suffering?

Many stories, many things. He was a sinner to her. By the way, rather than the story that Arne had lost her mind, the news that she was married made him sad.

He was so jealous he couldn't stand it.

It was bitterly selfish, ungrateful and ignorant.

He wanted to forget. Rewan wanted to erase all the sins he has committed and the mistakes he has made. As he cried every night, suffered every night, he chose death every night

His wrists were already torn to shreds and rags.

“Haah… Huuh…”

He covered his mouth in the corner and cried as there was nowhere to pour out his heart. It was a solitary and lonely place.

Even if they were preparing for a rebellion, they were not on his side. He cried every day. He cried and sighed at the sight of himself unable to do anything. When did he become so broken and weak? He mocked himself.

He hated himself.

His self-mocking feelings were bitter, more than self-pity. He made himself feel like a terrible person. He was not used to killing people either. His heart died. Even though he thought of Arne, but he also suffered from thinking of her.

Rewan forgot because he wanted to forget… He forgot, not wanting to recall.

So the day he met Arne, he was able to not cry.

He wasn't even patient. He forgot and could have forgotten. However, his suffering heart immersed in the abyss appeared in a different way.

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