Thank You For Being Trash

It was a series of days like that… days of humiliation, shameful and intolerable things. He still couldn't die.

He just lived because he couldn't die.

Rewan was lying on the cold floor. He regretted the thoughts he had in the old days when he was young.

He thought life was boring… he thought it was a normal life…

He regretted the thought of an arrogant, unruly, and lowly person who had never been in a low place before. He did not know that the life of the lowly was intense and poor. It was a conditional regret and reflection.

Wishing he hadn't experienced something like this, he knew that this thought was deception and his selfishness.

Now, Rewan couldn't stand it at all without thinking about whether such a thought would have any meaning. He couldn't stop thinking. It seemed to him that he would not be able to bear it any longer when he thought about reality, facing the bottom, and could not get any better.

Even though he always had other thoughts like this, he thought of death on the day he slept with Raphael and others like a tool. It was a selfish decision, so he shook his head. His life didn't belong to him. So how did he live?

In fact, he couldn't even distinguish whether living like this was life or hell. If he lived like this, he would die someday.

…He hoped for death, not an improved life.

Arne was at the end of his mind, which was gradually worn out. How was she holding on now? Was she thinking of him? Did she resent him for his incompetence? Or was she broken like him?

He wanted her to resent and hate him, and kill him.

He wished for death

He wanted death.

He stared blankly at the light leaking in and closed his eyes. A ray of light went out and faded. He lost his mind as he felt the sight gradually losing light.

At the same time, he thought about death.

* * *

He repeated the meaningless day after day. He stood still, unable to do anything, like a wind-up doll that was rusted and broken. All the resolutions and wills he made at the beginning faded away, leaving only fragments.

It'd been quite a while since he didn't practice. There was no more hope left.

The door opened with the sound of something hitting. It was a hellish life, but it was better than the first time. Still, he laughed at how he was accepting of this situation, assuming that humans are animals of adaptation.

He forcibly straightened his staggering leg as he took a step in front of the door.

Rewan stood tall and stopped when he saw the person who had come to pick him up. For a moment, he thought he was looking at the wrong person. He burst out laughing. His brain was pure white. It was hazy.

Not good at judging the situation, he just stared blankly at Acacia.

Only heavy silence lingered in the room.

Rewan knew full well that he had no right to blame Acacia. However, as soon as he saw him, a sense of anger rose from the depths of him, which he did not know where it originated from.

Was this anger toward him who put Rewan here? Could it be that he resented Acacia for making him unable to become a knight? Was it a sense of entitlement that made him afraid of even dreaming of beating Acacia by a huge margin?

“….”

What to say, what to say?

He didn’t know why Acacia came here. Should he be angry? He kept his mouth shut, afraid that if he opened his mouth, a bad resentment that he couldn't bear to come out would come out.

Rewan's eyes turned red. He struggled to swallow his tears.

It was not that he was unwilling to accept the outcome of the duel with Acacia. Still, he didn't want to live life like this… It was the wrong choice, the wrong path. He wanted his own death, but he certainly did not want to live by selling Arne's chastity.

He didn't want to live like that.

He lived like that… lamenting the inability to die.

Acacia did nothing wrong… he was Distria’s knight, and he only obeyed his master's orders. Acacia also didn't know it would turn out like this. However, resentment rose, and Rewan bit his lip. Nevertheless, he didn't want to vent his resentment. He didn't want to fall more to the bottom.

The resentment that he couldn't let go and the sadness lingered in his mouth.

As a knight… as a knight.

After falling into the abyss like this, does he still want to save face? Has he still not grasped reality properly?

Buzz.

Rewan’s head went white, as his body was uncontrollable and trembled as he leaned against the wall and let out a heavy breath.

Stop, stop…

Feeling like his mind was being gnawed. He couldn't bear to let out his rough breath in front of Acacia, so he swallowed it in his mouth.

Acacia's lips opened.

“I came for a request.”

His heart thumped. He already knew it in his head because the guard who was coming to pick him up was down behind Acacia, and he didn't harm him.

But, a request… from whom, for whom… by whom.

His heart was beating with a thumping sound. He already knew this in his head.

Arne, Arne. Arne.

Her name lingered in his mouth. His hands trembled. It was a reality he wanted to deny. He murmured as if he was spitting out words he couldn't utter.

Arne. I am your knight.

Arne. I am your knight.

…The knight of the enemy country that ruined your country is Acacia… yet, why do you trust him more than me?

He wanted to stop Acacia from talking about Arne.

…Don't do it, stop it. Shut up.

Rewan couldn't recover from the surging waves of emotion. He felt as if his heart was about to collapse… he knew his incompetence… he knew his fault. Even so, he believed that only he could protect her and support her. That was how he was able to endure the harsh time.

Still, Arne…

No. That wasn’t it. Was it his delusion?

“Is that so?”

The words that came out trembled. Although he wanted to pretend to be calm, he couldn't bear it. Hiding the emotions that had left him feeling empty and exhausted, hiding his dry and crumbly feelings, he followed Acacia.

He went to Arne, whom he had thought about for so long, but the path was disgraceful. it wasn't his way.

Piece by piece, something cracked and crumbled.

There was no place to complain and no place to blame. It was only now that he received the payment for his sins, the payment for the sins that Arne received as well. It was his fault. Still, being human, he couldn't stand the feeling of falling apart.

He suppressed the crying that was about to burst out.

That was his limit.

Arne. Arne. Arne.

How can you do this to me?

He thought of words that would disappear from his mouth that he could not say.

* * *

He got off the carriage and met Arne waiting for him inside Acacia's mansion. He couldn't hold back the tears bursting out of her as soon as he saw her. As he cried, he had a trivial argument with Arne. It was a unilateral anger he had.

After that… it was an act that came out of some impulse. So, he… strangled Arne.

He didn't have the right to end her life, nor did he have the right to resent her. He was just distracted by her actions and words that comforted him.

It was nothing but dirty jealousy.

Disgusting…

How could he feel the feeling of jealousy in this situation? It was so appalling that he laughed inwardly.

‘…I'm fine.’

‘…It's not okay.’

He gazed at Arne with a surprised expression as if he was shocked by his own words. Arne was still wide-eyed and surprised though there was no way other people's outrageous behavior was okay.

I know you.

…So don't pretend you're okay, please don't pretend you're okay, don't tell me it's okay.

‘Don't comfort me.’

He wanted to kill Arne, who didn't trust him.

Not okay, spewing out false emotions… What kind of entitlement was this? Why did she show all her heart to Acacia? To say those feelings that she hadn't told him. Why did she say she missed me and let out painful emotions?

How can you do that to me?

This was obvious jealousy, a feeling that didn't fit the situation.

I am her knight.

I am her knight…

He was losing his thoughts.

Arne’s body weakened like a corpse. She drained her body of strength as if she would entrust her life to him.

Seeing that, Rewan's heart thumped. He couldn't believe what he had done.

Now… what had he done?

What were you thinking?

I was, I was a fool. I was a madman. I'm crazy…

He tried to kill her for sparing his life and giving his life back. No, the truth was, he never wanted a life like that. Even in this situation, he felt nasty jealousy towards her and wanted to kill her.

…No, actually, he wanted to die.

Drip, drip.

Blankly, tears flowered. He was crazy… he was obviously crazy. Otherwise, there was no way he would do such a thing to his master. This was jealousy and a desperate desire to kill her and end his life.

Arne's red neck was visible. He gazed down at his hands that held her neck as his hands felt like those of a hideous monster rather than human hands. He wanted to cut both his hands. His hands were shaking.

Unfortunately, Arne hugged him and cried.

“Don't cry.”

He woke up to the sound of Arne's cold voice. He wanted to somehow manage this situation and stay by her side. It was a selfish thought… no, but she needed him.

It was some kind of struggle.

“…Forgive… forgive me.”

“Leave this place.”

He couldn't breathe properly at her cold words.

“Come back with more power.”

Her whispers murmured.

I can't hear you.

He wanted to scream that.

“Ho… how can…”

He let out a short cry.

Don't you know the time I've endured? Don't you think of me?

…No, it was his fault. It was the result of his mistake. Why was he asking Arne to think of the time that was caused by his own sin?

“This is an order.”

“…Please, please. Please take the order back… I-I was, wrong… wrong."

Rewan was devastated.

Leaning down, he grabbed Arne by the ankle. Even though he didn't even deserve to cry, his tears kept flowing and he just cried. He let out words of pleading out of his mouth. He had no right to say that to her.

“Arne… ple…please, let me breathe in the same space as you.”

“….”

“Arne, please, please… don’t… send me.”

No amount of pleading made Arne's heart change. He spat out many pleading words.

I want to be by your side. I just want to be by your side.

It was a selfish mind, and every time he spat it out, his selfishness broke his heart. He confessed his sins and selfishness to the extent that nothing was left after being shattered and crumbled… until there was nothing left.

He threw it all out.

__