Surviving a Shounen Manga

Goblin Wrestling

"It’s simple, yeah? Stay firm on your feet and don’t budge, yeah? I mean, like this, like this!"

I silently looked at the whining little Pierrot mask as she grabbed my waist.

"Your feet? Keep them like this! Or you can sweep their leg like this! Kick them if they don’t budge. Then they’ll get off balance!"

"…"

I scratched the back of my head.

It wasn’t funny.

She suddenly came up with another strange concept.

"I’m sorry, but that’s not how you do it."

"Huh?"

"How did you even come up with that? C’mon, tell me."

"Heh heh, Squatjaw, look at you. What, you think I’m a rookie who’s never wrestled before?"

"Exactly."

"Heh heh…"

"Look at me when you’re talking, please."

I lifted Cocoa by her collar and set her to my side. A goblin was slowly emerging from the other side.

He had a very short stature. He was so small that he barely edged over Coaoa.

But as soon as I saw him, I could feel it.

Yeah… he was an expert.

Of course, my judgment wasn’t based on the common shounen manga cliché of ‘the frailer a character looks, the more skilled they are’.

His demeanour just screamed ‘expert’ to me. With his shallow and sinister-looking smile, and constant furtive glances.

In fact, ‘expert’ in this context wasn’t the same as ‘strong’.

In goblin wrestling, pure strength wasn’t very important. It could even be called a demerit.

The most important aspect to win in this event was nothing other than ‘goblin-ness’.

Mischief, lies, whims, bluffs, and sabotage.

In other words, skills in this game were related to ‘deception’, ‘confusion’, and ‘disturbance’.

The rules of goblin wrestling can change any moment.

This was what Kiriko had directly stated during the goblin wrestling event in the original work, as that was the easiest and clearest way to define the characteristics of this game.

To win in goblin wrestling, one has to be aware of the occasional change in the rules.

But the funny part is – that this isn’t true.

To be precise, the rules of goblin wrestling are set from the start. And it’s the same as Korean folk wrestling. You win as long as your opponent touches the floor first.

But once you enter the match, you may end up ‘forgetting that’, because of the enemy goblin’s ‘disturbance’.

There’s no rule saying you can’t disturb the opponent.

Chinuavi’s unique ability, [Prankster Playing with the Rules], is an excellent example, which confuses a certain rule or an object bound by a rule, making the original rule forgotten.

So to summarize, goblin wrestling is more of a battle of mental attacks than pure physical strength.

Although the method to disturb the opponent depends on the goblin’s personality, they can be broadly classified into two categories.

1. Conceptual,

2. Perceptional.

It’s simple.

The former causes confusion about the rules themselves, making you feel that they’re changing from time to time.

The latter mixes in lies into your senses – like vision, hearing and touch.

And, of course, an opponent who uses a combination of the two is the worst.

So based on all that, where did this guy fall on the spectrum?

I stood still on the sandpit that’d been prepared as the battleground, and looked at the guy slowly approaching me.

Contrary to his grinning expression, his words were quite aggressive.

"Whatcha looking at?"

Whoo.

He was easy to understand.

Firstly, he was cheeky.

"You cheeky human. You dare to wrestle with a goblin?"

Secondly, he didn’t know his place.

"You’ll be finished in a blink."

And thirdly, he was a brazen liar.

No goblin would easily give up a match as long as they have somebody to play with, even if it kills them. They’d try and savour the contest as long as possible.

In other words, there was no way this guy who was already grinning with excitement would try to finish things quickly.

That was then.

"Alright, now focus."

The referee, who’d also climbed to the sandpit in the meanwhile, asked for our attention.

"This is sudden, so no loincloths were to hand. Just fight as you are. The two of you, hold each other’s waist. You might already know the rules, but I’ll explain them one more time. Make your opponent touch the floor first. That’s the victory condition."

I nodded my head to the referee, but the goblin on the other side was just sarcastic.

"Yeah, yeah, let’s get started already. Or the referee will freeze to death in this cold. Hell, why do we even need one? Even a newborn child can tell who the winner will be."

Then he looked at me and grinned, fully demonstrating his stupidity.

Tsk tsk, look at this idiot. Who doesn’t know that you have to suck up to the referee, no matter what game it is?

Then,

"Hey, hey, you little kid! That Squatjaw looks like he’s gonna thrash ya!"

"C’mon, lose, lose! This is boring me already!"

"Hey, why does that idiot get to be the one to play?"

"You little bastard! I’ll show you! Nominate me!"

"Huh? Who’s that referee? Saboteurs don’t usually care about these games, right?"

Cheering erupted from the goblin audience, interspersed with shouts of unknown origin.

I already knew from reading the original manga, but seeing it in person, they definitely had a radical cheering culture.

In fact, the point of having a referee was not so much as to adjudicate, but to prevent the onlookers from butting in.

Because among the goblins, there were quite a few who took joy in ruining games, especially among the devotees of the God of Mischief and the God of Sabotage.

Therefore, the referee was in charge of stopping any goblins from affecting the contestants with their abilities – except for those already standing on the sandpit.

Then,

"Hey, Squatjaw! Don’t you dare lose! Alright? Don’t drag the name of our Mysterious Squatjaw’s Folk Troupe into the mud!"

A loud cheering sound came from behind me.

‘… Seriously, what folk troupe?’

For a moment, I struggled to hold back the laughter that was about to escape.

Every single word was absurd, but the funny part was that I felt strangely cheered up.

‘Honestly, she’s a strange one.’

Soon after,

"Now, both sides hold each other firmly. You’ll start at the sound of the whistle. Now then…"

Beep-!

The match started.

And,

…

Nothing happened.

The goblin and I just quietly held each other by the waist.

Probably feeling a little embarrassed, he began trying to provoke me.

"Hey, Squatjaw. What’re you doing? Feel free to start. I’ll let you take the lead."

"Meh. Why don’t you start?"

It was easy to guess why this guy was so still. He wanted to play around a little.

It was simple. From a goblin’s point of view, the harder the opponent tried to win, the better it felt. That way it was easier to ‘mess with the overall picture’. For example, while you’re trying to try flip him to the ground, and his legs are kicking in the air, etc.

Goblins poked and teased their opponents like this not only for the fun of it, but also because there were others watching. Goblins weren’t just mean, they were also grade-A poseurs who craved attention, so they jumped for joy the more the onlookers cheered, cursed, or reacted in any way.

‘I’m still fine. That’s good, I suppose?’

I hadn’t felt anything special yet. Everything felt just the same as before. But I was sure that this guy had already done something to me. I hadn’t missed the way his eyes had flashed with a strange light the moment he’d entered the sandpit.

‘What’s he done? I don’t think the concept has changed…’

I was still able to acknowledge the rule that if I made this guy hit the floor, I’d win. In that case, it might be my vision or the sense of my hands touching this guy’s waist that had been disturbed.

"Ugh, this just isn’t fun. What is this? This giant Squatjaw’s a wimp. That kid with the clown mask might’ve been more interesting instead."

"…"

Well, that was true enough.

Actually, I had no way to beat this guy head-on.

In order to face the disturbances of the goblins, you must have a unique mental ability that’s roughly the same level. If not, you at least need a defensive ability to block it.

Unfortunately, there were currently no characters with such shielding abilities in this world.

Of course, they’d come later. In the middle part, where these goblins would’ve started to appear. When Firmino, whom I’d taken the [Scribe’s Shackles] from, would’ve become active in earnest.

It’d be hilarious if defensive mental abilities were already scattered around before mental attack abilities got any screentime.

But that didn’t mean the situation was completely hopeless.

In fact, in the original work, facing a situation similar to my own, Kiriko had won.

The method he’d used was simple.

Just keeping to the status quo.

Since he couldn’t come up with a way to move, he’d just held on tightly to the opponent and didn’t move another muscle.

The match had lasted for half a day, ending with a declaration of defeat by the goblin who couldn’t stand the boredom.

But I couldn’t use this method either. Because, unlike Kiriko, who’d exerted his strength right at the start, I’d started with a loose stance. Instead of tightly constricting my opponent, I was only lightly holding on so that I wouldn’t fall.

In other words, even if I tried to exert my strength now, there was no guarantee where it’d go. With my perceptions affected, I might very well end up pushing at my sphincter muscles instead.

Therefore –

"What’s the use of all those muscles? Ugh, just do something! Alright? How long are you going to just hold me like this? What, you like me that much?"

I had no choice but to silently endure my opponent’s ridicule.

"Damn it, try your best! You squat-jawed idiot!"

Also, at that time,

"Boo!"

"Hit him, hit him!"

"Hey! What are you doing, man!?"

Even the audience had descended to heckling, but they had no choice but to wait and watch.

"Yeesh, this is my first time playing with a human, so I was really looking forward to it… Just let this be over. I’m so bored I could die."

Until the signal arrived.

Eventually,

"Warning to both sides! What are you two doing? Why do neither of you attack? Squatjaw! Attack! I’m telling you, attack."

The referee’s warning came.

And at the same time,

…

My opponent suddenly shut up.

Then, I murmured softly in his ear.

"What’s the score looking like now, do you think? The referee’s already given a warning. Two warnings mean disqualification, right?"

"…"

"Hey, if you don’t want to be disqualified… try your best."

"…"

"You were chattering away for so long, why did your words dry up?"

I grabbed him by the waist and lifted him up.

He was light.

"Is this all you’ve got?"

And then,

Thud!

I just threw him to the floor.

…

Suddenly, the whole place went quiet.

And as the silence turned into murmurs,

"Winner, Squatjaw!"

A single, powerful cry rang out.

Then,

"It finished sooner than I thought. How come he didn’t notice you at all?"

I approached the referee with a slight grin.

"Hey, who do you think I am? I’m in a different league from these frogs in the well. How long have I been following you, Big Bro?"

"What exactly did you do to him?"

"Oh, this guy? He’s trapped inside his head, playing hide-and-seek. He thinks he’ll get caught if he moves or makes a sound."

"Well, good job. He was a chatterbox."

"Then should we go down now? Heh, man, just look at all those dumbfounded faces."

Chinuavi grinned.

Going up to the sandpit in the guise of a referee and confuse my opponent.

It was Chinuavi himself who’d suggested this method.

Cheering during a match is one thing, but very few goblins like being the referee. So, as long as he went up first, there wouldn’t be any problems – that was his idea.

"Besides, referees can use their unique abilities. Since they’re up there on the sandpit."

It was a good trick. I certainly couldn’t come up anything better.

But the problem was the aftermath. Wasn’t this guy a goblin? This was where he’d grown up, at that.

"Even if you disguise yourself as another goblin, you’ll be caught at the end. Is that alright?"

When I asked him if the goblins would let it go –

"It doesn’t matter. Rather, I’ve been waiting for this day. Whoo, I’m excited!"

He was veritably burning with enthusiasm.

Anyway, getting back to the issue of the goblins.

I was able to pass the goblin wrestling event, which I’d anticipated to be a formidable obstacle, quite easily.

Of course, this was only the first hurdle.

Then,

"… So, what do you want?"

The old goblin slowly opened his mouth.

He looked as if he had chewed some poop, spat it out and then picked it back up to chew again.

"Whatever I want, isn’t it?"

"… Yes, anything within the allowable range."

"Wait, what’s this now? What do you mean, allowable range?"

"Hey, isn’t that obvious? If you tell us all to plug our noses shut and jump into the sea, should we all happily drown and die?"

"C’mon, who’d ask for something like that!"

"That’s why, let’s talk it out first."

Hmmm.

What was allowed, then?

After silently watching Oldboy for a while, I slowly spoke.

"I want you to hold a Spirit Festival for me. Like you’d do for a goblin."

Spirit Festival.

It was a ritual (祭儀) to welcome the gods, and a ceremony to help young goblins awaken their unique abilities.

Held once every year, it was the biggest festival of the goblins.

Everyone seemed shocked by my request. I not only knew about their ritual, but even wanted to take part!

After a moment of silence, an uncontrollable clamour erupted from all sides.

Including words like, ‘Is that guy crazy?’, ‘Does he even know what he’s talking about?’, ‘What’s he planning?’, ‘Wow, this is amazing’, and ‘I want to try too’.

Soon after,

"You bastard, you’re crazy."

The old goblin spoke with a hardened expression on his face.

Then,

"Fine! Let’s say we do that."

He willingly accepted my proposal.

"Huh?"

Frankly, I was a bit perplexed. I didn’t expect it to be accepted so readily. Because this was unprecedented.

That was then.

"But there’s a condition."

Ah, now this made more sense.

"What is it?"

"One more game, you bastard! A different sport!"

Whoo.

"If we win, let’s pretend nothing happened. If you win, I’ll allow you to do anything, be it the Festival of Spirits or anything else."

"Hmm, really?"

It was, of course, what I’d been waiting for.

"But then if we win, we should get one more wish. That’s the only way to balance the scales. Right?"

"… You asshole. Fine! Then we’ll decide the sport this time as well. Yeah?"

"Sure, alright. It doesn’t matter, anyway."

Because I already knew what he was going to choose.

And truly, Oldboy’s suggestion fell within the expected range.

Hide-and-seek with a hundred players.

The rules were simple. A hundred goblins would hide within the designated area, and we’d have to find them within the time limit.

Since I’d anticipated this event in advance, I’d already prepared a solution.

But a problem cropped up.

"This match will be race versus race. Goblins vs humans! Meaning this time, that cheeky little goblin who’s in league with humans doesn’t get to participate!"

"No, wait! Oldboy, suddenly bringing up race at a time like this… When did you become so petty? I’m a goblin, sure, but as a member of the Squatjaw Adventurers…"

"Shut up, you bastard! You, you… who were you again? You… yes, you, Chinuavi! You’re doing all you can to bring disgrace upon goblinkind, aren’t you! Get out!"

"No, that…"

"Squatjaw! If you don’t accept this condition, the talk’s over! Choose!"

"…"

In order to win this challenge, Chinuavi was absolutely necessary.

The way goblins could hide was truly extraordinary. Most wouldn’t be a problem regardless, but there were some who’d be impossible to catch without Chinuavi’s help.

‘… This is a bad one.’

But still, things weren’t hopeless.

I felt like I could convince the old goblin if I just spent some more time sweet-talking him.

And just when I was about to speak –

"We don’t need him, goblin! The Squatjaw Folk Troupe accepts your challenge!"

A sudden remark came from behind me.

When I turned around in amazement, a little kid in a Pierrot mask was standing with her chest puffed up and her hands at her back.

It wasn’t funny.

"Oh, no, wait…"

I hurriedly tried to cancel it.

But,

"Good! Then the second match will be humans vs. goblins, 100-player hide-and-seek!"

As if Oldboy had been waiting for this, he declared the event with a wide grin.

…

I glanced at the little Pierrot mask who was walking towards me.

"What do you think you’re doing?"

"Fufu, don’t worry, Squatjaw. Because I can fill in for a goblin, too."

"What? You…"

It was a shocking and nonsensical remark.

Of course, this little kid did also have a role to play – which was as important as, or even more important than, Chinuavi in this showdown. I was depending on her eyes to find the hidey-holes of those goblins.

But even so, she couldn’t replace Chinuavi in the plan.

"No, how can you fill in for Chinuavi… It’s not like you’re a goblin, you know?"

Then,

"Fufu, you got it right. In fact, I’ve been hiding my true identity."

"…"

Seeing her jump with excitement, another strange concept had apparently taken root in her brain.

Cocoa slowly took off her mask.

Oddly enough, there was a small wooden carved horn on her forehead.

"Let me introduce myself again. I am Cocoavi, a wandering goblin who left the Goblins’ Den when she was young to join a folk troupe. I’m sorry for hiding my identity for so long."

… Haah.

Had she been itching to try out this concept…?

"Fufu, don’t look so surprised. Let’s go, Squatjaw!"

"…"

Grabbing my throbbing head, I followed the little kid who’d been hiding an unexpected identity (as per her own words), and went to the hide-and-seek arena.

A good guide naturally plays a key role in a mission that’s about ‘finding something’, like hide-and-seek.

But just knowing the path doesn’t mean you can walk it to the end.

If the path is blocked by a locked iron gate, you can’t pass through without a decipherer.

If the treasure at the end of the path is protected by a guardian who comes out to face you midway, you can’t fight without an adversary.

In other words, the guide alone is not enough, because you’ll inevitably face various obstacles along the way.

Three minutes after the start of the game of hide-and-seek –

"Hey, follow me!"

"What’re you doing, just standing there?"

"It’s this way, you know?"

"Squatjaw you slowpoke!"

Lacking a decipherer to penetrate the goblins’ disguises, I could only let out a long sigh.

Four Cocoas were telling me to follow her.

Editor’s Notes:

None for this chapter.