Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 47

Ariana was dead.

Despite her lively chatter right before her death, the reality of it didn’t sink in.

Until her body had completely crumbled into dust, I even fooled myself into thinking she was still alive.

To me, she had always been a steadfast figure, in both good and bad ways.

Someone terrifying and strong, so much so that imagining her as dead seemed impossible.

So it felt natural that I couldn’t believe the pitiful pile of dust on my floor had been Ariana just five minutes ago.

I scattered the dust with my hand.

It dispersed into the air, blurring my vision.

“…Believing it would be stranger, wouldn’t it?”

I didn’t feel sad.

Unlike when Christina and Raymond died, I didn’t think I’d spend days crying.

Ariana had ceased to be someone precious to me long ago.

But still, I couldn’t shake the hollow feeling.

She might not have been precious anymore, but she had taken up more space in my short life than anyone else.

In both good and bad ways.

Thinking back, I cried in anguish when I realized I had misunderstood her because of the professor’s lies.

Why was that?

Why wasn’t I crying now?

I don’t know.

My emotions have always been erratic and unpredictable, so I couldn’t even pin down what I was feeling right now.

Was I mourning her death?

Bitter about her escaping without paying for her sins?

Weeping in pity for her?

Or maybe I still hated her, simmering in anger even now?

One thing was certain—I didn’t feel happy.

If I truly hated her, I would’ve been glad she was dead.

The only emotion that assured me my earlier realization wasn’t a delusion was relief.

I found myself unconsciously breathing easier.

If that was the case, then even if I couldn’t genuinely grieve for her, I could at least say goodbye.

I had already thanked her, so how hard could a farewell be?

Careful not to mix her dust with the professor’s, I gathered it into one spot.

Then I slowly closed my eyes.

Goodbye.

I won’t forget you.

What meaning could words have to someone already dead and gone?

I simply repeated the words in my mind, hoping they might somehow reach her soul, wherever it had gone.

…Was this enough?

My eyes felt slightly damp.

I was faintly annoyed with myself for being glad I could still cry for her.

“I won’t regret this….”

I knew.

The health teacher arrived about 30 minutes later.

She scanned the room upon entering and then spoke to the only living person present—me.

“Alberto and… Miss Warton?”

I silently gestured toward the pile of dust.

I trusted she would understand.

And as expected, her expression darkened immediately.

“…I see.”

She sighed and snapped her fingers.

The formless magic emanating from her spread over the dusty floor, sparking into flames.

In an instant, the dust burned away.

The last traces of their existence in this world disappeared entirely.

The way she burned even the disordered room and remaining debris suggested she was tidying up hastily.

But I didn’t think that was all there was to it.

After all, cremation was a form of respect for the dead in this world as well.

Even among the impoverished who couldn’t afford burial plots, cremation was an unavoidable method of dealing with corpses.

There was no distinction between noble and lowly corpses.

Death made us all the same.

Burial and cremation were essentially the same act.

They concealed the decaying vessel left behind by the soul and gave meaning to the grave or ashes as a symbol of what remained.

So I told myself her actions honored the dead, even if they seemed like a dry and perfunctory gesture without even a simple eulogy.

I didn’t know why, but I felt like I would get angry if I didn’t accept that.

“Patient… no, Remia.”

As I was lost in thought, the teacher’s voice called me back.

“Did Miss Warton leave any requests for me?”

“…She said you’d tell me everything.

All the things she had been hiding.”

“I see.

Then I have a lot to tell you.”

She fell silent for a moment, as if organizing her thoughts, and soon began speaking.

I had suspected she’d been keeping many secrets, but hearing them confirmed still wasn’t easy.

The most shocking revelation was that her parents’ rebellion still maintained a foothold.

Was the empire incompetent, or were the rebels more capable than expected?

Whichever it was, I found it comforting to know they were still surviving.

What came next was something she cautiously shared—that they had abandoned me.

It wasn’t surprising; I’d known for a long time. But having my suspicions confirmed still stung.

Knowing for certain that my parents wouldn’t mourn me if I died…

The betrayal stung even more, coming right after losing the only person I thought might remember me.

There had been a time when we were a loving, happy family, full of affection for one another.

I still don’t know what caused everything to change so suddenly.

If I ever get the chance to meet them, I want to ask why.

Even if I’m bound to be hurt again, I still want to know why they abandoned me.

It’s not like I asked to be born.

Letting them decide when I die too feels absurdly unfair.

“Miss Warton and I were working on a way to get you out of here safely.

Now that Alberto is gone, the plan itself is useless, but there’s no one left to interfere either.”

The health teacher finished her story, coughed lightly, and extended her hand to me as I sat slumped on the floor.

“So I’ll ask you.

Do you want to leave the academy right now?

If you want, I can arrange for a secluded estate where you’ll remain hidden.

You can change your appearance, conceal your identity, and start a new life in a city where no one knows your past.”

I stared blankly at her outstretched hand.

The choice I had dreamed of so fervently was right in front of me.

If anything, it felt like Ariana’s final gift.

It was an offer brimming with merit.

Refusing it would be foolish, even disrespectful to the will of someone who died for me.

She must have closed her eyes, believing I’d accept it gladly.

……

……I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I’m the person you gave everything for.

“I’ll have to decline.”

After a moment’s hesitation, I lowered the hand I had lightly raised.

The teacher’s eyes widened in shock.

She seemed genuinely caught off guard, unable to say anything at first, her mouth opening and closing silently before she finally managed to ask the reason.

“…Can I ask why?”

I came to the academy to die.

That thought has remained unchanged, even now.

No—perhaps it has changed a little.

Unlike when I had first been pushed into choosing death, I had spent the past few months with time to myself, thinking deeply.

At least now, I could wish for my end with a slightly healthier sense of agency.

That’s all it is.

Despite everything I’ve experienced and thought about, I still desire death.

The implication is clear.

For someone like me, an outsider wherever I go, a clean and hopeful new life doesn’t fit.

I’m too worn down, too tired to live each day looking forward to the future.

If Ariana had made this proposal herself, I might have accepted. But I doubt I would have lived the peaceful life she envisioned.

“It’s too hard,” I said simply.

Giving up on life doesn’t require a grand reason.

That’s all there is to it.

“…I see.”

The health teacher covered her face with the hand she had extended toward me.

She wasn’t crying.

She just seemed overwhelmed.

I understood.

Even the most patient saint would react the same way after a conversation with someone like me.

If anything, her reaction was mild.

At least she didn’t keep pressing me or try to drag me out by force.

After a moment, she seemed to regain her composure and spoke again, her voice calm.

“Come to the infirmary twice a week. I’ll give you free treatment.

If there’s something difficult or troubling, let me know.”

“Yes, thank you.”

“…If you’re grateful, you could just leave.”

“For that… I’m sorry.”

“Ha…”

With a final sigh, the conversation ended.

The teacher removed all traces of residual magic from the room before leaving.

In this room, where three others had come and gone in the past few hours, only one had truly left.

And yet, no one remained.

I staggered to the bed and lay down.

The creaking sound of the mattress filled the silence briefly before fading away.

It was quiet.

I was truly alone now.

Free from Ariana’s control, free from the organization’s pressure.

It was the state I had longed for so desperately.

So why didn’t it feel satisfying?

Staring at the ceiling, I blinked and deliberately opened my mouth, forcing words to fill the emptiness.

“Tomorrow, I’ll go to school.

I’ll find Sena and greet her brightly.

I’ll get closer to her and make sure to thank her.

She’ll surely mourn my death when the time comes.”

Sena was still here.

I still had a few months left before I planned to die.

I could try reaching out first.

To the one who had always approached me first, I would respond with kindness in return.

If I did that, maybe the hole in my heart would gradually fill.

At least, before I died, I was sure it would.

“Aha… ha…”

While making that resolve, a sudden tear slipped out, catching me off guard.

I forced it back, swallowing it down, and let out a laugh.

The sound of my own laughter echoed in the room.

I had no idea why.