Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 28

I held eye contact with Ariana for several seconds without saying a word.

For some reason, all the other students in the class were also staring at us.

These were the same kids who wouldn’t quiet down even when the professor told them to.

I wondered how strange we must look to them.

I thought I was okay, but I guess I was just fooling myself.

My limbs began to tingle, and a dull ache spread through my chest.

I lowered my head for a moment to catch my breath.

“…Hoo.”

I couldn’t breathe.

Maybe I had gotten too worked up.

This sensation was all too familiar by now.

No matter how much air I inhaled, it felt as though my lungs were punctured, leaving oxygen unable to circulate through my body.

No matter how many times it happened, it was always painful, disgusting, and unbearable.

Ever since the time I fainted in front of Ariana, this would happen whenever I was emotionally overwhelmed or overstimulated.

If it got worse, I’d start gasping like I was on the verge of vomiting before abruptly passing out. Luckily, until now, it had only ever happened in my room.

So it can’t happen here.

I can’t let myself show such disgrace in front of everyone.

Especially not in front of Ariana.

I’d just barely gained the upper hand—everything would be undone if I faltered now.

I patted my chest lightly with my left hand.

Even if I couldn’t stop the cold sweat or my pale complexion, at the very least, I had to keep my breathing steady until I got the medicine.

With that thought in mind, I forced a smile onto my lips.

“Give it to me already, Ari…ana.”

Through my labored gaze, Ariana came into view.

She was staring blankly at my wrist, the one patting my chest.

My wrist.

The wrist exposed because I’d lifted my arm, causing my sleeve to slip down.

The wrist wrapped in bandages.

Ah.

I hurriedly pulled my sleeve back down, but it was already too late.

The shock only made my breathing grow more labored.

Her slightly trembling voice reached my ears.

“…Lady Remia. It’s your wrist again.

This isn’t a coincidence, is it?”

“Haa…”

Idiot.

Even after reminding myself not to let it show, I lose focus at the slightest slip.

The lady is always the same.

Always, always so careless.

Back then, and even now, nothing has truly changed.

The contents may have shifted, but…

No, perhaps not even that.

The merging of me and the lady, once just an ordinary criminal, seems to have birthed some malformed monstrosity.

“Hic… Huu…”

“Lady Remia?”

I bent over, bracing myself on my knees.

My limbs trembled, and my vision started to blur.

My lungs screamed for oxygen, but no matter how much I breathed, I couldn’t fill them.

There it was again—that feeling.

Once I reached this point, neither control nor pretense was possible anymore.

Within minutes, the edges of my vision would begin to blacken.

I’d probably end up sprawled on the floor, heaving and drooling like a disgrace, before passing out.

I could already picture Ariana’s reaction when I woke up.

The momentum that had been slightly in my favor was completely ruined.

Sometimes, it feels like everything that makes up the lady stands in my way.

Her talents, her body, her mind.

As if nothing about me would be allowed to remain peaceful.

As if I were meant to struggle and die.

Well, I’m used to it by now.

Whether it’s paranoia or something real, I don’t know.

It’s sad, isn’t it?

Don’t get used to this.

Yeah, I know.

How did it come to this?

I let my consciousness drift as my mind grew hazy.

My vision darkened.

The sounds around me began to fade into the distance.

Will I miss my chance to get the medicine?

If I fail this time, I’ll have to endure for who knows how long before another opportunity comes.

I’m so tired of carving myself up every night.

Isn’t this enough already?

You’ve been cutting yourself alone anyway.

There’s a difference between tolerable and numb, you know.

Then what should I do?

Fool her.

Drown the lady’s mind in so much medicine that she doesn’t even notice her broken body anymore.

Let her die buried in pleasure and happiness, shedding something other than tears.

Would that really be okay?

Yes, it’s fine.

That’s enough for me.

If that makes you happy.

What about me?

You…

“…Kehhk! Huu… Haa…”

“Breathe slowly.

If only we had a bag or something…”

I don’t know. Figure it out yourself.

Even taking care of myself is too much.

I forced my scattered thoughts back into order and darted my eyes around the room.

At some point, I had slumped to the floor, clutching my chest with both hands.

The person rubbing my back beside me was probably Ariana.

Her touch was the only thing bringing warmth to my body, which had gone cold as though filled with frost.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, her touch was so gentle it made me want to lean into it.

…Enough with the useless thoughts. What should I do now?

My breathing was still ragged.

I could barely muster the strength to lift myself, let alone speak in a normal voice.

All I could do was sit there, gasping for air in Ariana’s embrace.

It was too late—I’d already been caught.

There was no way to make excuses now.

So I had to do something, anything.

“…Urk.”

“Careful, hold on…”

I swayed, my vision tilting, and almost hit the back of my head on the floor. Ariana caught me just in time.

I shifted slightly in her direction, using the imbalance to push her down beneath me.

“I caught… Hic… you…”

“What are you trying to do…?”

I climbed on top of her, pinning her wrists beneath my hands.

Ariana’s face showed clear signs of shock at being so abruptly overpowered.

“Calm down.

I understand what you want to say, so let’s go to your room first—”

“No… It has to… be now…”

I tried to catch my breath as I assessed my condition.

My face was drenched in fluids, and my body was trembling so violently that it looked like Ariana was the one holding me up.

On top of that, our position was suggestive, completely ignoring the stares we were surely attracting from others.

But right now, I didn’t care.

I wasn’t even aware of whether there were people nearby.

I leaned closer to her, increasing the points of contact between us.

It wasn’t as though I had any real strength—more like I was just resting my weight on her. But this way, Ariana wouldn’t easily be able to shake me off.

Probably.

“Ariana…”

“……”

I struggled to focus my blurred vision on her and poured out the feelings inside me.

“Huu… Every night… Ha. It’s like this.

I can’t breathe… Hic. I ache… and hurt myself…”

The words tumbled out raw, unfiltered by my brain, spilling straight from my heart.

Things I would never normally say were now directed at her.

“What… What am I supposed to do…?

I’m already ruined. My life is twisted… like a dog’s.

Haa… And those hands that claim to be helping… Heh, they strangle me.

Even when I say I don’t need help, they don’t listen. Do they even know what help is…?”

It’s disgusting.

Physically.

Mentally.

Pathetically disgusting.

And now, the only time I can let it out is when I’m crying and begging in front of someone who owns me.

“The medicine… was my only… Huu… hope.

It’s the only thing that… Hic. Pickles my broken brain… and drowns out all the pain…”

I ignored the voice buzzing in my head.

This is why it has to be now.

On any other day, I’d never be able to overcome it.

It’s all true.

“Hic… You said… you’d give it to me. You said you would, didn’t you?

I’m asking for it. I’m giving up on my life for this fleeting pleasure… Hic… So why won’t you give it to me…?”

But is that my fault?

I didn’t choose to end up in this body.

I didn’t choose to be captured by the organization.

I didn’t choose to come to the academy.

So why has everything gone so horribly wrong?

I’ve tried to be good.

I’ve endured so much pain.

Don’t I deserve a little, just a little compensation?

I’m not asking for much.

Returning home? That’s a luxury.

A peaceful death? I wouldn’t even dream of it.

I just want—

Even just the medicine. Enough of it…

So that in the moment I die, I’ll be so intoxicated I won’t know it’s happening.

If my mind stops functioning altogether…

If I can die without knowing anything…

At least I won’t be afraid.

“If you don’t give me the medicine…! I’ll just keep… Hic… I’ll keep doing this until I die… Hah. Give me the medicine, please, Ariana. Give it to me…”

I leaned closer until our lips were nearly touching.

The distance was so small it was hard to tell if I was just resting on top of her or pressing against her.

In that nonexistent space between us, I mixed my breath with hers and whispered again and again.

Give me the medicine.

Give me the medicine.

Give me the medicine.

Medicine.

Medicine.

Medicine.

“……”

“Give me the me— Hic…!?”

As I continued my half-conscious, incessant whispering, Ariana suddenly sat up.

My blurred vision caught a faint image of her lifting me into her arms in a princess carry.

I had worried she might just shove me off easily, but I suppose that wasn’t the case.

Of course, my body must be so light to Ariana.

This was an embarrassing position, but what could I do?

Even my last resort—whining—had failed. In this helpless state, there was nothing I could do.

I let my half-open eyes fall shut again.

It’s over.

I should give up.

I’ll just keep struggling in agony and end up killing myself from withdrawal.

Ahaha.

In the end, it all ends exactly as I expected.

“I’ll take you to your room.”

Ariana’s soft whisper reached me as she started moving.

Her steps were slow, as if to avoid jostling me too much.

All I could do during that time was rest my head against her and gasp for air.

No, I couldn’t even do that properly—I felt like my lungs were soaked in water.

…It really feels like I might die.

Is this really just hyperventilation?

As my fingers twitched, numbing with the loss of sensation, Ariana’s low voice brushed against my ears.

“When your body feels better, let’s talk again. And…”

A foreign sensation briefly pressed against my forehead and then disappeared.

Her lips, probably.

“…I’m sorry. For everything, up until now.”

Confusion and surprise filled me as my consciousness faded.