Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 27

“Give me the medicine.”

For the past few weeks, my dawns have been like this.

Sometimes tranquil, often horrifying.

Dry, restless mornings where even the luxury of nightmares is out of reach, and closing my eyes for even a moment feels impossible.

During the day, I’d manage to feign normalcy under others’ gazes, but at night, I couldn’t contain the rampage of my mind.

Or maybe I just didn’t.

If I had tried to keep up appearances even when I was alone, I’d probably have ignored any resistance and shoved a blade into my throat long ago.

Is that it?

Maybe.

After all, these pathological behaviors stem from the process of forcibly expressing something twisted within me.

By engaging in physical and mental self-harm, I’ve been scraping away, cutting, gnawing at, and carving out the “lady” within me. Only then could I barely wear the mask of an emotionless face.

But even that is reaching its limit.

Me and “me.”

Me and the lady. *** and Remia Adelian.

All the aspects of myself, blending together yet trying to remain separate.

The things I had forcibly denied keep raising their voices.

The acts of sympathy and kindness, once the hardest to endure, are now being carried out by the person I should hate the most.

The pleasure of the medicine has taken root in my mind, filling it with obsessive thoughts about it.

And now, I can’t even meet the basic needs required to keep going.

Truly, it’s remarkable I’ve held on this long.

Shouldn’t I be praised for it?

By someone—if no one else, then at least by myself.

“…This kind of thinking is only possible right now, isn’t it?

After enduring a terrible night and feeling utterly exhausted, in a morning when even raising my voice takes too much effort.

Yes, considering your memories, would you call this a ‘moment of clarity’?”

I murmured to myself as I cleaned up the blood and fluids spilled during the night, along with the shattered objects scattered everywhere.

I couldn’t burden the maid, Ai, with my mess anymore.

Along with avoiding her altogether, cleaning up was the only repayment I could offer her.

So I moved my clumsily bandaged arms to restore the space to its original, orderly state, a stark contrast to the chaos of dawn.

For the past few weeks, my mornings have usually been like this.

Horrifying just moments prior, but ironically tranquil afterward.

A quiet morning, spent returning what was twisted during the night to an appearance of normalcy.

The only conversation happening…

…is with myself.

It’s unbearably tedious.

But still, it’s a peaceful time.

Yes, I suppose it is.

Compared to a few hours ago, it’s almost shocking how much of a person I seem.

After finishing my cleaning, I prepared for school.

The long sleeves of my uniform barely managed to conceal the bandages wrapped around my wrists.

Without them, Ariana would have already burst into my room.

When I first transferred, the situation was similar, except back then, the one inflicting the wounds had been her. Now, it’s me.

I can’t even begin to fathom how it came to this.

Transforming the sigh threatening to escape into a smile, I stepped out of the room.

Whether or not I was truly smiling didn’t matter.

What mattered was that I was making the effort.

Since Ariana started protecting me, the students who once tormented me had begun avoiding me altogether. Even as I passed through the halls, they didn’t so much as glance my way.

Upon reaching the classroom without incident, I walked straight up to Ariana and spoke.

“Ariana.”

“Oh, Lady Remia.

Did you have a peaceful night? I hope today is as—”

“Give me the medicine.”

Her cheerful greeting, consistent with her behavior these past weeks, froze mid-sentence.

What’s wrong?

You told me yourself, didn’t you?

That soon enough, I’d come to you, asking for medicine.

Didn’t you already expect this?

Was it too soon, perhaps?

“Give me the medicine,” I repeated, carefully enunciating each word.

Only then did Ariana furrow her brows and respond.

“…No.”

“Why not?”

“Your body hasn’t stabilized yet.

If you take something new now… the side effects and addiction will rebound twofold, maybe even threefold.”

It was a rejection.

A clear and unequivocal refusal, leaving no room for argument.

I wasn’t particularly shocked.

Knowing the current Ariana, I had half-expected such a response.

Ah, I see.

You’ve become so absorbed in Remia Adelian that you’ve even forgotten your own role.

I let out a dry laugh as I rubbed my face with my hands.

Her excuse was so predictable that I couldn’t suppress the laughter.

“Ha… heh. How did it come to this, Ariana?

You were ordered to drag my already rock-bottom life straight into the abyss.

And you did it. You pushed and pushed until I was hanging on the edge of that pit.”

You tortured me.

Mocked me.

Beat me.

Even used drugs on me.

You’re the one who shattered my last hope of finding solace in this academy, teaching me that such things were far beyond my station.

And yet, now, watching you act with such hypocrisy—it felt like something inside me was boiling over, ready to burst.

No, perhaps it had already burst.

The usual Remia wouldn’t even entertain such thoughts.

“Then don’t stop halfway. Finish it to the end.

Why are you acting uncharacteristically hypocritical?”

“It’s not hypocrisy…”

“Then what is it? What should I call this?

It’s not genuine goodwill born from sincerity, is it? Humans can’t do that.”

For the first time in a long while, a sneer spread across my lips.

I wanted to provoke her.

I wanted her to throw the medicine at me in anger.

Yes, that’s the truth of how I look right now—all just my desperate flailing.

I feel like I’m going insane, desperate for the medicine right this instant.

So, please understand, Ariana.

You’re the one who made me this way.

It’s because of you that I’ve ended up like this.

I’m not asking for something difficult.

Just push me forward—just one more step.

Then maybe I can make up my mind.

About the end.

At some point, my sneer turned into a bitter smile, but I didn’t stop my words meant to provoke her.

I couldn’t stop.

“If you can’t save me, at least let me go mad gracefully.”

“…I’ll save you.”

“…What?”

“I’ll save you. I, Ariana Warton, will stake everything I have to save you.

So, Lady Remia, just tell me anything.

Ask me for help. Tell me you want to live. Say you don’t want to die. Please.”

Ha.

I felt something break in my head.

What is this feeling?

Self-loathing?

Homicidal urges?

Whatever it is, I know one thing for sure—it’s not pleasant.

I started snapping at her almost reflexively.

Somehow, my voice had risen, drawing the gazes of the other students around us.

But right now, I couldn’t bring myself to care.

Let them look.

What are they going to do? I’m already at rock bottom.

“…What could you possibly do? You’re nothing more than the second daughter of a count’s family.

No, you’re from a disgraced lineage barely better than an old baron’s household.

What? Did the commoners’ praise at the academy make you believe you’re something special?”

The Warton family has never been a prestigious household to begin with.

Their lowly origins are something they’ve desperately masked through careful alliances.

She talks as if the Adelian family is entirely unrelated to hers, but in truth, our downfall likely hit her family the hardest.

Isn’t she twisting herself into knots now to gain the favor of her new host?

A young lady who should have been learning courtly etiquette back at her mansion is instead playing the role of a torturer at the academy.

“How much value could ‘everything Ariana Warton has’ possibly held?

You’re just a torturer, aren’t you? A parasite clinging to the powerful, struggling to survive without a host.

When the Adelians fell, weren’t you the one scrambling to dirty your hands just to find a new host?”

And yet, you’re telling me to ask for help?

Are you trying to drive me to suicide?

Should I whisper thanks for that?

Or scream at you for being cruel?

Is it your hypocrisy giving me false hope?

That’s the worst thing you could do, Ariana.

I’ve already trusted too much and been betrayed too many times.

I’ve become a lunatic who picks apart even ordinary kindness, desperate to find flaws.

I never even asked for help in the first place.

All I wanted from the beginning was indifference.

I just didn’t want anyone to look at me.

I’ve lived such a loud, chaotic life; I just wanted the end to be quiet.

But it’s because of you.

You’re the one who made me like this.

So take responsibility. Please.

Why are you doing this now?

“Tell me. How are you going to save me?

Are you going to go to the organization and offer yourself in my place?

Will you grab my bleeding wrist and spend years rotting in a coffin for me?

Eating moldy bread and pig slop, treated not as nobility but not even as human?

Like livestock. Like a doll. Like a slave.”

Like me.

I took a step closer with each word until I was right by her ear, whispering.

Gradually, I poured all the sticky emotions into my voice.

Just as she had once done to me.

Slap.

The sound of flesh meeting flesh echoed, and a burning sensation spread across my left cheek.

My head had turned to the side at some point.

“…Ahaha.”

Ariana stood there with her hand raised, her face on the verge of tears.

She hit me.

Compared to before, it was weak—barely anything. But still, she hit me.

It had been so long since the last time.

For a moment, a deeply buried feeling floated to the surface.

“See? This is the real Ariana Warton.

This suits you much better than that ridiculous pretense of goodness.”

The classroom had fallen into a silence so tense it was almost eerie.

Every gaze in the room was on us.

This isn’t even that big of a deal, but their stares felt burdensome.

“Ariana.”

The stares that would normally have been unbearable now felt surprisingly tolerable.

Maybe it was because, for the first time, I felt like I’d won against her.

I don’t know if this could truly be called a victory, but does it matter?

“Give me the medicine.”

Forget everything else—just give me the medicine, Ariana.

If you truly care about me, that’s the best thing you can do.

I smiled faintly, tilting my eyes into crescents.

Hoping my feelings would reach her.