Phantom Opera: White Soliloquy

"Alright, students we have a transfer. Please make him feel welcomed. Introduce yourself." Kawakami-Sensei gave about the most taciturn introduction that had seen. Worry and and mild depression ran across her face.

It hurts that my teacher has such little faith in my abilities.

I'll show you what the last 2 years have taught me!

"..."

"..."

Oh, right. Forgot to speak. 

"My name is Ayanokouji Kiyotaka. Nice to meet you all."

I'm incredibly embarrassed that it was this easy... And I still fumbled it again. How embarrassing. Will I be forced to live in isolation once again? Or is there a Horikita character in this class as well? Actually, that might be worse than being alone, I might end up stabbed to death or just end up offing myself if she started to destroy my ego once again.

Let's look on the bright side. It was a stark improvement from my last attempt.

"Right. Uhm. The seat at the edge of the class is free just in front of Takamaki-san. Please go and take your seat, we'll begin homeroom right away."

It feels like every single student is staring me down as I approach the seat. C'mon there are other things to look at y'know. Still, this is fortunate. I'm sat next to the only person who's name I know. My first opportunity to make a friend at this school. That's what I needed, friends. Nothing else would take up my time over the next two years, I needed to surround myself with people. Hear different opinions, see different ways of life. In that way I could become my own person. Someone that stands on their own tenants, unshakeable principles that are forged through an understanding of life and the people that influence it.

Right now, I was the polar opposite. What was I living for? What is the meaning of my existence? From a purely philosophical and reasonable purview the immediate answer would be nothing. There is no meaning. That's rather nihilistic and I don't intend to meander through life never experiencing anything simply because 'it doesn't matter'.

The more appropriate response is to make my own values. To create a sense of purpose from the surroundings and situation I'm put in. That's why people connect, attend clubs, make friends, find a partner etc. etc. 

Those things are still foreign to me. I had accomplished some meager connection with my classmates a year prior. But... My heart was never in it. The environment of that place necessitates competition. Cooperation and meaningful connection are often hard to experience if your main objective is beating everyone else no matter the means.

That was why I had been looking forward to this. A real chance. No tests, no suffocating environment. I was free. Well, the closest you could be to free whilst on probation. Nonetheless it was a huge difference from last year's circumstances.

The question was; how do I make friends again? Last year, pretty much every bond I had made I practically wandered into. Whether it was Horikita's agreement, Kei's circumstances or Hirata's altruism. Even Ichinose had only become closer to me by proxy of Horikita as our leader, her attitude made it impossible for cooperation unless I stepped in.

Take the Ayanokouji group for example; all good friends which I enjoyed my time with. However, did I have any impact on the formation of that group? I could argue that Airi might not have been included if I didn't make some moves but other than that? I'm pretty sure the rest of them would've used my name for the group and called it a day whether I did or didn't protest.

In a typical school I imagine clubs and after school activities would be the fastest way. I'm a transfer student after all, I don't know whether they'll be particularly interested to know me. Just the fact that this is my first day immediately makes me an outcast even amongst my peers.

With that in mind, what should be my next move?

Getting involved with a club isn't a bad idea per se. But I'd like enough time to experience some things outside of school as well. The flier's I had picked up on the way were interesting and I doubt Sojiro will be giving me any handouts. Not that I'm dissatisfied, he's already providing a roof for me.

"Now that everyone's settled, class rep start the register."

A boy with black hair stood in the centre of the class. He didn't really exhibit any standout traits, if I had to say anything about him was unique it was the listless expression on his face and the trace of bruising on his wrist. 

"Understood. Everyone bow. Begin attendance."

It was only at this moment that I realised every other student was still stood up for attendance. And I was... sitting down. 

I was in my head too much, how embarrassing. Do I stand up again? Or just stay sat? I don't know which is weirder because no-one's addressed it. Do all normal schools do this? This was never a thing in ANHS.

Ah whatever... I'll attract attention no matter what I do at this stage. I'll just remain seated.

The students listed their names from the front left of the class near the door going down the row until the end. Then the next row began alternating like a snake until what I assume would be my turn arrived. It'd be strange to introduce myself again after I had to in front of the class. So, I'll just say 'here'. Wait no, what if they already forgotten my name in that time? It's pretty common to do that.

Crap, it's my turn now.

"Ayanokouji Kiyotaka... Uhm, here."

So that's your master plan! To just say both?

A few of the girls were giggling at the other end of the class.

Ahh, this is it. I'm not going to be able to make any friends here. Who's going to speak to the guy that randomly sat down first and had such a crap introduction. Is it getting hot in here? It feels like a sauna, or is that just my embarrassment burning me?

Attendance finished whilst I lamented in my sorrows.

"Everyone's present, good! Turn to page 52 in your textbooks. We'll start with-"