Only Realized After Losing You

6. I’m a Damn Good Kisser

Lennon told me the game straight away.

“What we are going to play is a question game.”

A question game.

I didn’t know what game that was.

Because the only game I knew was ‘Don’t Answer Me’

Lennon kindly explained.

“I’m curious about you, but you can’t answer me.”

“… … .”

“So you can guess about me.”

Weird guy, I suddenly thought.

Lennon didn’t give me a chance to voice a question. He didn’t even give me time to think about it.

He just astutely asked a question.

“Do you think I’m married?”

The game had already begun.

“… … .”

Even as he asked, he didn’t take his hand away from my hand.

Instead, he stuck his fingers deep into the crevices between my fingers.

“You can answer by nodding your head.”

I shook my head.

There was no ring on the index finger of Lennon’s left hand, the one that wasn’t holding mine.

And it was a little weird to say, but I couldn’t imagine Lennon with someone he had decided on.

“That’s right. I have late nights that seem to never end. I’m not really seeing anyone, except for a woman I see periodically when I’m bored of comforting myself, and with her I only do certain positions.”

Casual.

Lennon didn’t seem to put much emphasis on meeting people.

I somehow envied his nonchalance.

“Have you ever spent the night with someone?”

I shook my head again.

Spending the night with someone was something I had never thought about or wanted.

“Then have you ever kissed anyone?”

Before I knew it, the direction of the question had shifted towards me.

“… … .”

For the first time, I couldn’t answer right away. Because it reminded me of the tender kiss I shared with Hayden.

His soft red lips. His tongue exploring the inside of my mouth.

Hayden’s tears after our lips parted.

Just thinking about it made me feel like my chest felt tight.

I wondered if he was still hurting today for a love that could not come true?

I wanted to listen to Hayden’s story right now, if only to ease his grief.

I meant it.

But the person in front of me now was Lennon. He was a man who seemed lighthearted about everything.

“…I see you have. Your face looks a little sad.”

It wasn’t just my face that has become somber.

Lennon’s red eyes blinked somewhat slowly as he looked at me.

He had a wistful look in his eyes.

“Is this a kiss you shared with someone you will never have?”

I agreed with what he said because it was roughly correct.

Because Hayden, who kissed me, was in love with another man.

“Oh my. You’ve fallen into a sad, unrequited love.”

He seemed to have mistaken me for someone who had a terrible crush.

There was too much explaining to do to correct him, so I left his misconception alone.

“How did you end up kissing each other without confirming your feelings?”

Lennon obviously knew how to keep a conversation going.

His questions continued nonstop.

I was frustrated.

Because I didn’t come here to tell my story.

Lennon seemed to see right through me.

He laughed out loud.

“Tsk tsk. Isn’t it frustrating? Do you want to talk? That’s what I wanted you to think.”

I let out a short sigh.

I felt like I was playing right into the palm of Lennon’s hand.

“If you kissed even though you didn’t confirm your feelings for each other… I wonder if there’s a chance I’ll get a chance to lock lips with Miss Ellie.”

He said playfully.

The fluttering in my stomach was long gone.

“I’m a damn good kisser.”

Lennon stuck out his red tongue and licked his lips just once.

It was a provocative and sensual gesture.

“I’m sorry if I scared you. When I look at Miss Ellie, I’m reminded of my old self, so I dropped my guard.”

“… … .”

“But what I said a moment ago was sincere. Anyway, I’ll just keep trying.”

“… … .”

“When we meet again, I want to ask if I can kiss you.”

Do you, like Hayden, hope to see me again?

I tilted my head a little.

“Your face is asking if we’re going to see each other again. Yep. We’ll meet again, not in a musty bar, but somewhere brighter.”

Lennon lifted the hand that had been holding mine and stroked my hair.

I was visibly startled by his sudden touch.

My surprise was fleeting.

His hand stroking my hair was too gentle.

Before I knew it, I was giving him full access to my hair.

I wished he could stroke it more.

I had that wish, but Lennon soon pulled his hand away.

“Do you want to ask a question this time? I just thought of a way for you to ask me a question.”

“… … .”

“You know how to write, right?”

I expressed my intention with my mouth. A silent message flowed from between my lips.

‘A little.’

Fortunately, Lennon seemed to understand my message right away.

He smiled brightly and started rummaging through the inside pocket of the jacket he was wearing.

Soon, he had a small notebook in his hand.

He held it out in front of me.

“This is a method I often used in the past when I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but didn’t know where to start. I’d write it down.”

He placed a fancy-looking fountain pen in front of me.

“Write down what you want to ask me, even if it’s something small.”

What I wanted to ask.

I thought about it for a long time.

I wasn’t worried because I wanted to ask a cool question.

I just didn’t know what to ask.

Then what suddenly came to mind was his hand stroking my hair.

He seemed used to stroking someone’s head, like he’d been stroking someone’s hair for a long time.

When did that happen? Was it a very long time ago?

Eventually, I started writing the letters slowly.

It had been a while since I’ve written anything, so it took quite a while to write even short sentences.

Lennon quietly watched me with his arms resting on the table.

⌜Do you have a sibling?⌟

I slid out the note with the question toward Lennon.

Lennon’s face hardened slightly when he saw the note.

Did I ask a question that I shouldn’t have?

The stern expression did not last long.

He softened his expression and stuffed the note into his jacket.

“The answer is… I’ll tell you at our next meeting.”

If that’s the case, why did you make me ask?

Lennon continued as if he had read my thoughts.

“You just have to wonder about my answer until we meet again.”

“… … .”

“You’ll meet with me again, right?”

Lennon smiled wryly.

I nodded, as if mesmerized.

His smile was the kind of smile that mesmerized people.

* * *

‘You’re so pretty.’

‘You have to express yourself. Whatever it is. Even if it means saying, ‘I’m sleepy.” Only then will it have meaning. If you just suffer inside, you will end up sick in your heart.’

Throughout the carriage ride home, many of the things he said lingered in my mind.

Not expressing. Not speaking. Living according to the will of my father.

I knew very well that if I stayed like this, I was killing myself.

But I didn’t know what to do to escape the current situation.

My thoughts were stuck in place, unable to move forward.

Frozen.

At times like this, I thought it would be nice if someone would take my hand and guide me.

As soon as I thought that, Lennon came to mind.

I remembered his hand holding mine as if it were nothing.

I lifted my hand and brought it up to the tip of my nose.

Lennon’s scent lingered faintly on the back of my hand.

It was a faint but unmistakable scent.

A nice scent.

Good scents seemed to make memories of him wonderful, too.

His wonderful smile. His intimate touch.

Beautiful red eyes looking at me.

The warmth his hand left on my hand lingered for a long time.

* * *

The reason I hesitated to completely open the front door was probably because of my father’s shouting.

“I said I was going to pay you … just give me a little more time.”

I peeked through the crack in the door.

My father was pleading with a man.

“I wish I could cut you some slack, but you’re already way overdue, and if you don’t pay me by next month, I’m done with you.”

My father had been a frequent gambler since I was a child.

What started out as a lighthearted gambling quickly escalated

To the point where no one would support my father’s situation.

Soon the gambling debt was growing out of control.

That was also the reason why I went from hearing confessions from my family to hearing confessions from strangers.

Not long after, the man who had been working for my father walked out the front door.

I counted to ten in my mind and then went inside the house.

My father, who was wandering around the living room, immediately saw me and came up to me.

“Ellie? Did you come from meeting him?”

I nodded my head just once.

The heat in my father’s eyes, even more intense than yesterday, frightened me.

“You didn’t make a mistake, right? You must never make a mistake. Even if you are speechless, you must never say anything. You are the only light of our family.”

My father’s face was filled with darkness as he discussed light.

What happens to me when my father can’t pay his debt?

My father had sold my younger sibling somewhere.

As soon as I remembered that fact, my shoulders slumped.

I had a premonition that something drastic was going to happen, like something very negative was going to happen.

I hoped my hunch was wrong.