Only Realized After Losing You

5. You Have To Express Yourself

I scrambled out of my seat and bowed my head.

A man’s voice came from above my head.

“Are you the person who can’t speak and only listens to what others say?”

I lifted my lowered head and nodded.

“I’m sorry if my informal language offended you. If you want, I can use honorifics.”

I shook my head.

It didn’t matter whether he spoke informally or used honorifics.

If his words could reach me, that was enough.

As long as I could understand him, that was enough.

That’s what it meant to listen to someone.

“I guess you’re not a very haughty young lady. Thank God.”

He sat down across from me and chuckled.

I found the laugh somewhat puzzling, as nothing funny happened.

“You sit down too. Can’t keep a pretty girl standing up.”

I sat down again.

He was scrutinizing the way I sat.

His red eyes, which seemed darker than the setting sun, were truly intense.

I found the staring quite uncomfortable.

But I couldn’t look away from him.

The man’s eyes had an aura about them that made it impossible to look anywhere else once you met them.

The way his eyes met mine made them seem steadfast.

I even felt like my mouth was drying up for no reason.

The strange thing was that the man’s gaze was not uncomfortable.

It felt heavy, but it didn’t bother me.

It was then that the man turned his gaze elsewhere, as if he recognized that I was feeling the burden in my eyes.

It was just the right amount of finesse that occurred at exactly the right time.

Then a thought occurred to me.

This man.

He is a man who is quite used to dealing with people.

“Nice to meet you. Sorry for the delayed greeting. My name is Lennon.”

Lennon. I repeated the man’s name in my mind.

His words continued.

“I don’t expect you to call me by my name because you can’t speak, but I think we should know each other’s names.”

With that, he said my name quite casually.

“Ellie. I heard your name from your father beforehand, so there’s no need to introduce yourself.”

“… … .”

“You wouldn’t be able to introduce yourself anyway.”

There was nothing wrong with what he said.

Even if we met through strange circumstances, I think it would be good to know each other’s names.

I thought so.

Even if I never get to say his name.

Lennon. I mulled over his name.

Lennon’s gaze, which had gone somewhere else for a moment, landed on me again.

When he looked at me, his red eyes were gently curved.

He looked like a man who smiled often, even unconsciously.

A brief silence hovered between us.

In the silence that followed, the young man who appeared to be the owner of the bar brought out drinks.

Soon, two wine glasses were placed on the round table. It was a red wine that resembled the color of his lips.

Lennon drank just enough wine to wet his lips.

I didn’t drink wine, so I rubbed my fingertips aimlessly across the glass.

Before long, we heard the faint sound of music.

It was pleasant to listen to, and the volume was moderate, that was, at a level that did not interfere with our conversation.

Lennon’s lips parted slightly in the silence

His lips were even redder because they were coated with red wine.

“You … you weren’t mute from birth? I heard this from your father too.”

I nodded in affirmation. Lennon continued.

“It may not seem like it, but I rarely spoke when I was young either.”

“… … .”

“At that time, I was very annoyed by my surroundings and thought I was unfortunate. But I was so young back then, there was nothing I could do to change it.”

“… … .”

“That’s why I didn’t say anything. Because I thought nothing would change no matter what I said.”

He is good at looking people in the eye, and he’s got a great way with words.

It was hard to believe that a man like this could have been so quiet in the past…

A puzzled expression must have washed over my face.

Lennon chuckled and said.

“I thought the lady wouldn’t believe it. But it’s true. At least I have no reason to lie, right?”

I didn’t doubt his words.

As Lennon had said, there was no reason for him to lie.

“But without knowing when, I started speaking, and eventually I was able to speak as fluently as I do now. Do you know why?”

I shook my head.

Still, I was secretly curious about the reason. Was it because his story was similar to mine?

Lennon smiled and gave me the answer.

“Because if I don’t get something off my chest and out of my head, it disappears.”

“… … .”

“You have to express yourself. Whatever it is. Even if it’s just saying, ‘I’m sleepy.’ Only then will it have meaning. If you just suffer inside, your heart will become sick.”

Lennon looked at me sullenly.

“Of course I can’t say for sure. But there are definitely things that disappear because they are not expressed.”

I repeated his words in my mind.

How many things have I lost so far?

“When I saw the advertisement ‘Ellie the mute who listens to someone’s secret,’ I couldn’t sit still because it reminded me of my old self.”

“… … .”

“I don’t know why you lost your voice when you weren’t born mute.”

Lennon. I was just playing a never ending game.

The game of not answering that my father started with me when I was young may have continued to this day.

Maybe it is a game that will never end.

It was easy to start the game, but I was not sure how to end it.

What am I supposed to do?

“But I want you to learn how to express yourself.”

He spoke quite earnestly.

As if he felt extreme pity for my inability to speak.

It was then that his hand, which was resting on the table, moved.

His hand reached forward without hesitation.

The distance between us disappeared in an instant.

Lennon placed his hand on the back of my hand, awkwardly resting on the table.

His touch was so natural, I didn’t feel like pushing his hand away.

On the contrary, I just liked the warmth his hand gave me.

The warmth of another’s hand— a feeling I hadn’t had or experienced before.

“… … .”

Then, a little later, I shook my head in disbelief.

I was puzzled by the kindness shown to me by Lennon, a stranger I had just met the first time.

Unexplained favors from others were always a turn-off.

Moreover, I was not used to receiving favors from anyone.

Lennon spoke as if he sensed the meaning of my head tilt.

“Why would I say something like that to you, a complete stranger?”

I nodded weakly.

“Ever since I heard about you from your father, I came to meet you in the hope that I could get you to speak.”

“… … .”

“I arranged the meeting with the idea of meeting you, at least for now… Fuck, you’re totally my type.”

“… … .”

“You’re so pretty.”

I had never heard that before.

I felt dazed, like my heart was tingling for some reason.

What does what I’m feeling mean?

“So I have a lot of questions for you: what you like, what you don’t like, what you do when you’re alone, what your first impressions of me are.”

You know what, Lennon?

I don’t really know what I like, or what I don’t like.

I pursed my lips, unable to answer.

Even if I regained my ability to talk, Lennon might not be able to get a proper answer.

Would he even know that?

“That’s why I want you to get your voice back. Pretty badly.”

“… … .”

“It’s strange, isn’t it? I can’t believe I feel so desperate for someone I’ve only met for a few minutes.”

I nodded again this time. Like I forgot to deny it. Just like that.

Lennon spoke in a voice full of pleasant laughter.

“So, starting today, you’re going to play a game with me.”

Lennon’s face lit up with an unreadable smile.

At that moment, I had a strange feeling.

I was obviously there to listen to Lennon, but he was talking more about me than about himself.

It was an unfamiliar feeling of someone’s interest in me.

It was the same feeling as when I received an unexpected favor from him for no reason.

I sometimes felt strange about the good intentions of others who understood me.

It was a strange feeling that gave me goosebumps all over my body.

Lennon was giving me a series of unfamiliar feelings.

I wondered what kind of game he wanted to play with me.

I was dying to know.