Only Realized After Losing You

33. Your Story Touches My Heart

Hannah began to tell me about herself in great detail.

Or, more accurately, she told me about ‘Count Phever’.

For one, she told me that she was a discreet countess who rarely went out in society.

Her heart ached often, the pain came without warning, and she hated having trivial conversations at banquet halls.

So that was why she stayed away from social circles.

That was also the reason why I, who looked similar to her but not quite, was able to become ‘Hannah Phever’.

However, ‘Hannah’ had to attend the banquet hosted by the empire.

“But you don’t have to do anything special when you get there. If you don’t want to speak, you don’t have to.”

Hardwin interrupted Hannah’s speech to chime in.

“Because my sister is a loner.”

“Hardwin! You could say that in a nicer way!”

“Hmm, there is no noble that she is close with… maybe?”

Hannah nodded like she liked the phrasing.

“Yeah, keep that sweet wording.”

Tsk. Hardwin just smiled watching Hannah click her tongue.

Wow, they are truly good siblings.

“But I need to make it clear that I’m alive, so just dance one song, please.”

“… … .”

“Of course, your partner is Hardwin. I can’t let another man hold Ellie’s hand.”

It was at that moment that Hardwin, who had been maintaining his composure, panicked.

He stammered a little and turned to Hannah.

“W-Why me?”

“It’s our secret that Ellie is acting as my stand-in, so how are you going to make her dance with someone else?”

There was nothing wrong with what Hannah said.

Maybe that was why Hardwin couldn’t answer Hannah.

Instead, he just called my name as if he was escaping from his sister.

“Ellie.”

“… yes?”

“I didn’t say that because I felt bad about dancing with you.”

I didn’t have that misunderstanding.

But I didn’t feel like I had to tell him the truth.

Hannah laughed at Hardwin’s lame excuse.

It was clearly a laugh at Hardwin’s expense.

Hannah spoke to me in a low voice.

“… Hardwin seems kind of stupid, right?”

“Sister, I can hear you.”

“Tsk tsk.”

Hannah laughed, and Hardwin let out a long sigh.

And then I pointed out something they both overlooked.

Perhaps the most important fact.

“I… can’t… dance”

They were imperfect words. When would I ever be able to say it perfectly?

I realized I needed to practice speaking freely again.

I felt like in order to become Hannah Phever, I had to first speak clearly.

“Hah.”

At my comment about not being able to dance, even Hardwin, who had sighed, burst out laughing.

The three of us laughed like idiots.

We laughed as if we had forgotten all about Hannah’s soon-to-be-gone future, my past of being mistreated by my father, or Hardwin’s feelings of losing his beloved sister soon…

I laughed like someone who had forgotten all those things.

But I knew.

That none of this would last forever.

That the happy times we had now would end someday.

I was so saddened by that fact that my eyes stung.

* * *

After I made the decision to become Hannah’s double, her condition deteriorated rapidly.

There were countless days when she couldn’t get out of bed.

I wondered if Hannah had been holding on all this time.

‘The doctor said I should have been dead already… that it’s a miracle I made it this far.’

As Hannah said, her heart should have stopped beating long ago.

However, I thought the reason she had endured until now was because of Hardwin.

She couldn’t close her eyes without being able to hand over the title to Hardwin.

Her desperation to find someone similar to her shone through.

Hannah eventually found me.

When the last wish of her life was fulfilled, she might have lost the strength to hold on.

I visited Hannah every day and hugged her.

Then, I practiced one sentence fiercely.

Before Hannah completely closed her eyes, there was one thing I really wanted to say to her.

It was something I didn’t want to say with a stutter.

Meanwhile, time passed and the weather changed rapidly.

The days had become noticeably shorter.

And when the breeze that drifted around her grew a little colder, Hannah said.

“I might really die tomorrow.”

I hugged her like always.

* * *

We were lying face to face on Hannah’s bed, close to each other.

‘Ellie. Can you share the same bed with me tonight?’

I gladly accepted her request.

I didn’t see how it could be difficult.

It was a dark night when everyone in the manor was asleep.

Hannah talked non-stop, as if she couldn’t sleep.

Her words had no set subject.

We talked as much as we could.

Hannah laughed cheerfully, sighed, and held my hand.

I laughed along with her when she laughed, sighed with her when she sighed, and did not shake off her hand on mine.

Until then, I didn’t really know what it meant to be familiar with someone.

But I wanted to know what it meant now.

Of course, my time with Hannah was short, and there were probably more things I didn’t know about her.

But I was still glad I met her.

She reminded me of the joy of talking to people.

She reminded me how much fun it was to tell my story, when I was used to only listening.

She taught me the importance of expression.

And then, just as the dawn was breaking, Hannah asked me…

“Have you loved anyone?”

There was a faint color on Hannah’s face as she asked that question.

It was the color of the living.

Was her heart not aching today?

She even had a faint smile on her lips.

I answered, tucking a strand of hair from my cheek behind my ear.

“Ah… no.”

I don’t know what love is like.

I, who only ever listened, did not have the space in my heart to love anyone.

But I thought of the three men.

The tender kiss I shared with Hayden, the violent kiss I shared with Lennon.

And Lebrado’s red tongue licking my hand. The stimulating sensation that tongue left behind.

The memories that passed were bound to fade.

But the image of the three vivid men never faded from my mind.

On the contrary, the passage of time had only strengthened their presence.

How are the three men doing?

It had been about fifteen days since I’d seen them.

Did they find out about my disappearance through my father?

Maybe they had forgotten about me long ago.

It wasn’t that my presence was insignificant.

But those three men had more troubling things on their minds than mine.

Hayden was suffering from a love that could never come true.

Lennon was gritting his teeth, preparing to get revenge on his father.

Lebrado might have found a new owner.

There was no way he was only going to lick my hand.

Anyway, that was my conclusion.

They might have forgotten about me because of their own complicated circumstances.

I thought it would be much better that way.

I hope they, too, thought of meeting me as a midsummer night’s dream*.
*a dreamy, whimsical, or fantastical experience or situation (in reference to the play by William Shakespeare)

It was a pity, but those three men were the only men I ever talked to.

They often made my heart flutter, but I didn’t fall in love with any of them.

I could tell. Even if I didn’t know what love was.

“That’s too bad, you’ve never been in love.”

Hannah said it as if she was wondering why I hadn’t done something so great yet.

I responded.

“I must … do it?”

Hannah answered with a bright smile.

“Of course, it’s a wonderful feeling. Even though I was a grim count who didn’t show up often in social circles, I’ve encountered love. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve had several men since I was young.”

She spoke with bravado, but the bravado didn’t faze me in the least.

I nodded without doubt.

I didn’t question Hannah’s words.

Because she was the kind of woman who could win someone over with a few words.

I couldn’t even believe that she was a ‘grim count’.

“Would you like me to tell you why I lived a debauched life?”

Yes, I answered briefly.

“Because I will die young.”

“… … .”

“I didn’t want to leave any regrets. I wanted to try everything before I died.”

I was in a position to respond, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

I couldn’t figure out what on earth to say.

Hannah continued.

“You know, I didn’t want to have the regret of thinking, ‘Oh…I didn’t do that. I should have.’ right before I was about to pass away.”

I wasn’t sure why.

When I heard that, my eyes became watery for some reason.

I tried to hold back the tears that suddenly welled up.

Was it a sad story?

I still didn’t know.

But her words seemed to touch something deep in my heart.

Your story touches my heart.