Only Realized After Losing You

34. Ordinary Life Becomes Special

“In that sense, I hope you can meet a man you truly love.”

A man I love, huh.

I asked Hannah a question.

“Why … like love… much ?”

Why do you like love so much?

Hannah, who was perfectly attuned to my way of speaking, pondered the answer to my question.

“It’s something I like because…”

Then she spoke as if he had come up with an expression that could define the matter.

“It takes ordinary life and makes it special.”

Hannah continued with a thin smile on her lips.

“It’s about giving meaning to nothing.”

“… … .”

“For example, the path you walk every day becomes special just because you walk it with that person. The tea you drink every day tastes better because you drank it with that person.”

A special feeling that makes you feel the same thing differently.

I understood Hannah’s words with my head, but I couldn’t quite understand them with my heart.

What does it feel like to have your everyday life become special?

It was an intriguing statement that made me curious and wanted to know.

What suddenly came to mind at that moment was Hayden, who was suffering from love.

Did Hayden suffer because his love did not come true even though he felt such special feelings?

I couldn’t imagine him suffering every moment.

I wondered if Hayden would also have been happy when he felt something special in his daily life.

“You look like you don’t understand. You don’t have to, it’s okay.”

Hannah said cheerfully, then patted my cheek a couple times.

“You’ll figure it out when you meet the one you love, so there’s no need to rush it.”

“… … .”

“I thought Hardwin was the only one who hasn’t fallen in love… but you’re in the same situation.”

Before I knew it, the conversation had shifted to Hardwin.

“These days, Hardwin, who has never loved before… is unhappy because he cares too much about me.”

“… … .”

“I will die, and Hardwin will not die.”

A world without Hannah.

How long will Hardwin mourn Hannah’s death?

Is it possible for him to become numb to Hannah’s death?

How much time is needed for that?

I couldn’t quite fathom the weight of that time.

“I hope Hardwin is happy.”

Hardwin will be happy.

“That… what… will… be.”

“How can you be certain?”

Because that’s what you want.

“Because… you want it ”

“… Hmm.”

Hannah paused as if trying to interpret my words, then answered.

“So, you’re saying that because I want Hardwin to be happy, he will be happy?”

Hannah’s interpretation was accurate.

Even though the words were spoken brokenly, there were no communication problems.

“You have a point. He’s a very good listener, my minion.”

Instead of answering, I gave a small nod.

I had a strange premonition that Hardwin would do as Hannah wished.

If Hannah wanted Hardwin to be unhappy because she resented her early death, Hardwin would have made himself unhappy.

To borrow Hannah’s words, Hardwin was ‘Hannah’s minion who listened very well.’

Of course, “minion” was a stretch.

But Hannah wished for Hardwin’s happiness.

I thought there was no way Hardwin would ignore her last message.

A world where Hannah disappeared.

Left alone, Hardwin would be extremely sad, and even though his heart was broken to the point where he wanted to give up everything, he would still try to be happy.

Because that was what Hannah wanted.

So.

“… Don’t worry.”

I uttered the sentence perfectly.

It was exactly what I practiced every day and what I really wanted to say to Hannah.

‘Don’t worry.’

I wanted to relieve Hannah of her worries.

I pulled her head towards me and held her in my arms.

Hannah’s face looked sad.

I didn’t want her to cry.

It was through Hannah that I learned how comforting the warmth of another person could be.

The day when I ran away from my father.

The day I cried in Hannah’s arms.

Because I received great comfort from her.

I didn’t need elaborate words of comfort.

The feelings I wanted to convey were sufficiently expressed with just one small gesture.

I found great comfort in Hannah’s fingertips wrapping around my back.

I rubbed her back gently, just as she had done with me the day before.

“… … .”

I felt Hannah’s breath against my chest.

It was a hot breath that proved that she was still alive.

“… Ellie.”

Hannah called my name softly.

“Yes.”

I could now pronounce the answer ‘yes’ perfectly.

“Can I ask you one last favor?”

The word ‘last’ stung.

Hannah looked like she was on the verge of tears, and I suddenly felt like crying.

I chewed my lower lip and tried to drive away the tears.

Then I said the best thing I could manage.

“Yes.”

A request other than a request to live as her double.

Hannah’s last request.

What is it?

Then Hannah spoke.

“Take care of Hardwin when I’m gone.”

Don’t say that.

It really feels like goodbye.

Hannah continued her words calmly.

“Of course, I’m not asking you to take good care of him for the rest of your life. But you’ll be staying here for at least a year.”

“… … .”

“Please take good care of that guy, even if it’s just for a year.”

I gave a short answer without any unnecessary details.

“Yes.”

Even if you didn’t ask me to, I will try to get along with Hardwin.

Because he gave me new shoes and gave me the courage to speak.

Not many people would show that much kindness to strangers.

I had an obligation to repay the favor I received from him.

“Even though Hardwin looks cold, he sheds quite a few tears. If he cries when thinking of me, wipe his tears away.”

I imagined the tears streaming from Hardwin’s emerald eyes.

Tears had no price, but I was sure that Hardwin’s tears would shine as brightly as the most precious jewels.

Regardless of the sadness in those tears.

Then I even had the strange thought that I wanted to see him cry.

It was a very wasteful thought.

“Even though Hardwin appears cool-headed, he is actually often hesitant. In that case, just say ‘It’s okay.’ Then he will have the courage to make a decision.”

Could I give him courage the way Hardwin gave me courage?

I replayed in my mind what I had to say to him.

‘It’s okay.’

It had a nice ring to it.

“He’s not very nice to people, and he’s often misunderstood, but I want you to know that he has a warm heart.”

I gave a short but clear answer.

“Yes.”

Hannah, I will keep your words in my heart. I won’t forget.

It wasn’t until early morning that I felt sleepy.

Hannah also seemed to be falling asleep, so she didn’t say anything more to me.

Before I was swallowed by sleep, I thought it would be a shame to fall asleep like this.

I wanted to have more trivial conversations with Hannah.

I felt strangely anxious that today might be the last day I would be able to talk to her.

I spoke to shake off my anxiety.

Let’s talk with Hardwin tomorrow.

“… Tomorrow, Hardwin… talk together.”

Hannah answered.

“Okay.”

Although it was faint, it was a definite answer.

After that, there was a terrible silence.

I fell asleep, feeling the heat of Hannah’s still-living body.

* * *

I had a long dream.

Hannah and Hardwin appeared in my dream.

I was walking through the garden of Count Phever, holding the hands of the Phever siblings side by side.

It was the garden where I had talked with Hannah a few days ago.

Hannah wasn’t in pain, Hardwin was smiling faintly, and the day was clear.

We walked around the garden like that for a while.

I wasn’t out of breath and my legs didn’t hurt. Because this was just a dream.

The garden was full of white flowers with unknown names.

It looked a little similar to the flowers I had grown in my garden.

It was at that moment that Hannah stopped walking.

She lowered her posture and carefully held a white flower that had fallen on the grass with its stem broken.

The sight of Hannah holding the flower was truly beautiful.

The violet dress she wore.

Her silver hair gently fluttered in the breeze.

A white flower with a broken stem held in her white hand.

Hardwin, who was standing next to me, extended his hand to Hannah.

But Hardwin’s hand could not reach Hannah.

This is because her form suddenly became blurry.

Hardwin stared at Hannah in puzzlement.

Hannah’s previously blurry appearance completely faded, and her image rose like smoke in the air.

It was just a dream, but I felt strange for no reason.

I feel like she… is really going to disappear.

I think she will disappear forever.

“… … .”

I woke up naturally from my dream.

Taking a deep breath, I felt my own warm breath against my skin.

As I slowly lifted my closed eyelids, hot liquid flowed from the corners of my eyes.

It was tears.

Why tears?

I blinked slowly a few times.

Then, I felt a pair of eyes looking at me.

When I twisted my head to the side, I saw the owner of the gaze.