Only Realized After Losing You

31. A Decision Made At Dawn While Hungover

When Hardwin asked if I said his name, I nodded.

Hardwin asked me again as if he was trying to confirm it.

“Say it again, one more time.”

Could I say his name again?

I was afraid.

Saying someone’s name was something unfamiliar to me.

But Hardwin didn’t take his eyes off me.

“Be brave.”

Our eyes met.

His emerald eyes held my gaze.

Hardwin’s eyes did not look as indifferent as they did during the day.

They were filled with an unidentifiable heat.

“Although your words were slurred, you clearly called my name.”

He encouraged me while I hesitated.

I eventually parted my lips.

After countless hours of silence, my lips were finally trying to make sound.

“Ha…”

But the words that escaped my lips were a vague sound that could have been a sigh or something else.

Hardwin said.

“Again.”

“… Ha, de”

“A little more.”

“Hardwin.”

We were both surprised.

“… … !”

“… … !”

Hardwin was so shocked that he even let go of the blanket he was holding.

The blanket fell to the floor in a heap.

“Wow, you actually know how to talk.”

Hardwin.

This was the first time I’d ever called someone by their first name.

This name would come to have some meaning for me.

A bright smile spread across Hardwin’s face, which previously had a look of surprise.

He looked pleased, as if I had succeeded in getting the words out of my mouth.

He reached out and began to ruffle my hair.

It was a gesture that was more like a pat on the back.

Not long after, he awkwardly pulled back his hand, as if he didn’t want to mess up my hair.

But my hair was already disheveled.

Hardwin stared at my messed up head.

“… Oh, sorry, sorry. I was so proud … without realizing it…”

Hardwin treated me as if I were his own younger sister, but we were the same age.

And it seemed like he also realized that fact.

He sheepishly cleared his throat a couple of times and picked up the fallen blanket.

His hands tightly holding the blanket looked awkward.

“I… Do you want to sleep?”

I nodded, a gesture of familiarity.

As if I had forgotten that I was just talking a moment ago.

It was much easier to nod than to speak.

It was a habit that came with familiarity.

Hardwin did not miss that fact.

He made quite a strong noise as he awkwardly held the blanket.

“Now try to answer me instead of just nodding.”

“… … .”

“Come on.”

Hardwin nodded as if I could do it.

He seemed to completely trust me, even though he didn’t know me well.

Like he believed I could speak. He didn’t show the slightest doubt.

It was really strange.

What is the reason for Hardwin’s unfounded trust?

Was it because my appearance resembled his sister?

I couldn’t figure out why.

But his unconditional trust gave me the courage to try again.

I pressed my lips.

“… yes.”

The answer came out slowly but surely.

When was the last time I expressed my opinion with words rather than nods?

How thrilling it was to do so.

I felt that the tip of my nose was twitching.

I’m crazy, I feel like crying.

I’m so happy.

I thought I was so indifferent to the world, no matter what happened to me…

A single tear flowed from my eye.

I didn’t wipe it away, absorbing the sensation of the tear’s texture.

Hot tears flowing meant that this moment where I made a sound was real.

Hardwin fidgeted again, dropping the blanket he had picked up.

“Ohh, don’t cry. I think I made you cry.”

“… … .”

He stretched out his hand as if to wipe away my tears, but then awkwardly clenched his fist.

It seemed like he couldn’t quite tell whether it was okay to do that or not.

I looked at his tightly clenched hands, through blurry eyes from the tears.

… There’s no need to hesitate.

You can wipe away my tears.

Was it okay to express my honest feelings to him?

I wasn’t sure.

Expressing my thoughts to someone was still something I was unfamiliar with.

I was used to listening to people as Ellie after all.

Hardwin ran his fisted hand roughly through my hair.

“Are you crying tears of joy now? Is that it?”

Then he suggested in a rather soft voice.

“Now, answer me again.”

I blurted out a word that seemed to come naturally to me.

“Yes… ”

Oh my god. I can’t believe it is this easy to answer.

I covered my mouth with my hand as I kept making gibberish noises.

“Good girl. Don’t cry from now on, but answer me with a smile.”

Hardwin seemed to have completely forgotten about picking up the blanket now.

He just muttered one word while still keeping his eyes on me.

“… Ellie.”

I answered as if the only name I knew was his.

“… Hardwin.”

Hardwin didn’t answer. There was no more conversation.

We were guessing how long it would take for each other’s names to completely reach our ears.

The tears didn’t fall for a long time. They came in trickles, but quickly ceased.

I belatedly wiped away my eyes with my sleeve.

When my tears stopped, Hardwin finally spoke.

“Then I’ll take my sister out.”

I started to nod my head out of habit, but then stopped.

Then, I silently remembered Hardwin’s words.

‘Now stop nodding and try to answer.’

“… Yes.”

There was no reply.

He just smiled faintly and patted my messy head a couple of times.

It was a somewhat cautious touch.

Hardwin turned around and walked back to the bed where I had slept last night.

On the bed laid a heavily drunk Hannah.

It seemed like Hardwin had moved her onto the bed while she was sleeping on my shoulder.

He didn’t move me, probably because he wasn’t sure if he should.

After all, we had just met each other.

Hardwin must have also been aware of that fact.

Wasn’t that why he was trying to cover me with a blanket?

I was able to fully appreciate his thoughtfulness.

Meanwhile, Hardwin lifted Hannah, who was lying down, without much difficulty and placed her on his back.

It was an oddly maneuverable motion, like handling a load of luggage.

Hardwin didn’t show any signs of distress, but opened the closed door and went out.

There was no mention of goodbye this time either.

All the sound had died out.

Gone was Hannah’s joyful singing, gone was Hardwin’s thoughtfulness. What filled the room now was only extreme silence.

I felt a strange loneliness there.

I had grown accustomed to being alone, but I couldn’t believe I felt lonely when I was left alone.

I smiled bitterly.

The time I spent with the Phever siblings was extremely short, but it felt like it had extraordinary depth.

It was at that moment that the closed door was reopened.

I looked toward the door again.

There was Hardwin, still carrying Hannah

Was he not gone yet?

Why did he come back?

Hardwin did not set foot inside the room.

He just stood in the hallway, staring at me, and said one word to me.

“… Good-good night.”

The door slammed shut.

“… … .”

I let out a strange laughing sound.

The phrase “laughing while crying” came to mind.

But the smile that escaped my lips didn’t stop for a while.

I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed out loud.

It was a long time ago, in the distant past that I couldn’t immediately recall.

I thought it was cute that Hardwin came back to say goodnight to me.

I lay down neatly on the bed.

The sheets were warm from where Hannah had lain just moments before.

I pulled the blanket up to my neck, relishing in her warmth.

I could faintly smell Hannah’s scent from the blanket.

I contemplated for a moment.

It was a thought about a choice that had become entirely mine.

I ran away from my home without any particular plan, only with the intention of running away.

I met an unexpected person and received an unexpected proposal.

The reason I was afraid of becoming Hannah Phever was because I was worried that I would be able to fool others.

But Hannah said,

‘Honestly, there is very little for you to do. All you have to do is show everyone that ‘Hannah Phever’ is alive.’

Hardwin would take care of whatever the count needed to do.

She probably predicated this day would come and taught Hardwin early on how to do the job.

All I had to do was occasionally show others that ‘Hannah Phever’ was alive and well.

What would happen to Hardwin if the county was passed on to one of the cousins ​​who were jealous of the Phever siblings, who got along well?

Would Hardwin be kicked out of this place filled with memories of his sister?

When I thought about it, my heart ached.

I didn’t want to see Hardwin, the kind-hearted person who gave me courage, sad.

He would not be the only one to grieve. Hannah would be sad, too.

I didn’t want them to be sad.

… Should I try?

I had an impulsive thought.

If I became Hannah Phever, I would have the funds to run away from the people who knew Ellie.

With that money, I could go to places where I would never be found.

And when that time came, Hardwin would be able to safely inherit the title.

What a great count he would make.

Finally, Hannah would be able to rest in peace.

In other words, me becoming Hannah Phever’s double was beneficial to me, Hannah, and Hardwin.

… Let’s do it.

This time, the impulsive decision was a punctuation mark rather than a question mark.

That was a decision made at dawn while hungover.