Only Realized After Losing You

30. Loveliness and Death are Completely Different Things

The Duchy of Hills.

I felt the moment those words came out of Hannah’s mouth that perhaps I was tied to the three men by a strong string of fate.

Lennon Hills, the heir to the Duchy of Hills, Hayden, the duke’s second son who was jealous of Lennon, and Lebrado, the duchy’s knight who served Lennon as his lord.

I didn’t think I’d ever be associated with those three men again, or ever, for quite some time.

But that was my mistake.

I came across the name ‘Duchy of Hills’, which was associated with them so easily that it was absurd.

I swallowed hard.

I wondered if something unfortunate would happen if I ran into them like this.

I wondered which of the two Duke of Hills brothers, Lennon and Hayden, had proposed to Hannah.

Was it Lennon, the womanizer that had the charm to captivate any woman?

Or was it Hayden, who liked men but had to hide his preferences?

Of the two men, it was impossible to guess which one would be Hannah’s fiancé.

“… … .”

I tried to keep a poker face.

I didn’t want the Phever siblings to know that I was related to Duke Hills’ family.

Then I felt an intense gaze on my face.

I turned my head towards the owner of the gaze.

It was Hardwin, staring down at me intently

He was quietly looking down at me with indecipherable eyes.

“It’s a shame, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no.”

Hannah placed the letter from the Duchy of Hills she was holding on the table.

Nevertheless, Hardwin’s gaze stayed on me.

Is there something you want to say?

“Hardwin. I can’t imagine how embarrassing it would be for Ellie if she stared at me like that. I admit that she’s pretty because she resembles me, but please refrain from doing so.”

Only then did Hardwin stop looking at me.

“… Don’t be weird.”

He didn’t say he was going to go.

He turned around without warning, just as he had approached without a sound.

Hardwin walked all the way without even looking back.

It was the exact opposite of Lebrado, who looked back several times to see if I was watching him or not.

“He might be cold every now and then. But still he’s a warm-hearted guy. As that guy’s older sister, I can guarantee it.”

I agreed with Hannah.

Hardwin was the person who brought me new shoes because I walked around barefoot.

“Shall we go inside and talk more?”

“… … .”

“I don’t have much time, and there are a lot of things I want to share with you.”

“… … .”

“Even though you can’t speak, it’s okay.”

Hannah smiled.

It was a bright smile, as if she had never experienced anything evil in the world.

I still couldn’t quite believe that she was going to die.

* * *

We entered the mansion and went to the room where I had woken up.

Since I didn’t know the way, Hannah took the lead.

We sat across from each other on the sofa and started talking about what we didn’t finish in the garden.

Of course, it was Hannah doing the talking.

Hannah continued to talk about her past history until late at night.

Who she met in the past, who she loved, what food she liked the most, which designers she preferred the most…

She rambled and told stories out of chronological order, but I nodded along, pretending to understand.

I noticed two tragic things as she talked.

One was that I couldn’t reply to Hannah’s interesting story.

The other was that nothing in Hannah’s story was about the future.

Like how she wanted to live in the future, how many kids she wanted to have.

What kind of man did she want to marry, where did she want to travel to…

The only things she talked about were the distant past, a little bit of the present, and yesterday.

The past. The past. The past again.

I quickly understood why her stories were stuck in the past.

Hannah was never given a future.

She was stuck in the past and present and had no hope for the future.

It seemed as if she had given up on living any longer.

Poor Hannah Phever.

I truly wanted her to live.

It was a thought bordering on pity, but it was the most sincere thought I’d had recently.

“I had such happy days in the past that I might die young.”

Hannah spoke as if confessing.

“There’s only so much happiness a person can have, and I’ve used it all up.”

I was silent.

Then I remembered what I’d heard earlier about Hannah’s past.

Although she lost her parents at an early age, she got along well with Hardwin and seemed to have lived for the moment.

Hannah Phever, a lovely woman.

It was clear that anyone who talked to her at all would be attracted to her.

Just as I was charmed by Hannah.

But she was going to die soon.

Loveliness and death are completely different things.

“Ellie, how about you? How much happiness have you spent?”

Hannah asked, tapping my cheek a couple of times.

At first, we were sitting facing each other, but as we talked, Hannah naturally moved to sit next to me.

I shook my head, signifying that I wasn’t sure

Have I ever been happy?

I could only wonder.

Hannah’s hand, which had been cupping my cheek, moved to close her fingers around mine.

It was a warm hand.

“You were unhappy.”

If life had a set amount of misery, I might have used it all up.

I thought so.

Hannah spoke as if she had read my thoughts.

“Then isn’t the only thing left to do now to be happy?”

But Hannah.

What if the future is more unhappy, and the unhappiness of the past becomes happiness?

Hannah laughed and continued.

“Do you want some wine?”

* * *

Hannah seemed to be like an alcoholic.

She drank so much that she couldn’t control herself, and then began to sing a happy song in a drunk stupor.

Long story short, she was tone deaf.

Looking at her face, she looked like she could sing a great pious hymn, but the song she sang was actually an old love song that was floating around the streets.

Hannah laughed, clapped her hands, and sang happily for the Count to go away.

Strangely enough, her happy singing voice sounded like she was singing sad songs to my ears.

Still, I didn’t want to forget the song she was singing.

Okay, so let’s remember this moment.

Let’s throw away the memories of the unhappy past and fill in the empty space with her happy songs.

A dark room, a glass full of wine, a red-faced Hannah, and sad songs.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Hannah’s face as she was singing at the top of her lungs.

Somehow… I felt like I would never forget today.

The messy song continued for a long time. It made me wonder if her heart was really weak.

She stopped singing only when she was completely exhausted.

Then she said as if she was making a confession.

Her pronunciation was terrible.

“… Ellie, after talking to you all day, I really feel like I have a sister.”

Hannah smiled lazily, one corner of her mouth twitching upward.

Then, she ruffled my hair.

“… … .”

At the mention of sister, my mind naturally went to my biological sister, who might have been sold off somewhere.

Was Isabelle doing well?

If I were to be able to speak perfectly and live as ‘Hannah Phever’…

Will I be able to save my sister then?

“I once wished I had a sister…”

Hannah spoke slowly with half-closed eyes, and then buried her face on my shoulder.

A few more minutes passed, but she didn’t raise her head.

She seemed to have fallen asleep, completely drunk.

I carefully took the glass out of her hand and placed it on the table.

The surroundings suddenly became quiet, and the only sound was Hannah’s even breathing.

As I continued to listen to that sound, I felt inexplicably drowsy.

I’d only had a glass of wine, but I could feel the tingling sensation of drunkenness creeping up on me.

I blinked slowly and then closed my eyes completely.

My eyelids had become so heavy that it was difficult to lift them again.

Sleepiness came silently and swallowed me up.

* * *

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed.

I half-awoke from my slumber for some reason.

My shoulders felt very heavy. Hannah was still resting her face on my shoulder.

Then, I felt the presence of someone nearby. Almost immediately, I smelled something pleasant.

It was a scent that reminded me of a bygone season.

I thought I knew who it belonged to.

I slowly opened my closed eyes.

Then my eyes immediately locked with someone’s.

That someone was Hardwin, who was awkwardly holding a blanket in front of me.

Hardwin froze as he held the blanket, as if he hadn’t expected me to wake up.

“Uh… um.”

He said awkwardly, seemingly trying to put the blanket over me as I was lying asleep on the couch.

I parted my lips and tried to say his name casually.

Hardwin.

I didn’t say it with the expectation that it would make a sound, but…

“… Ha…rd…win”

To my surprise, I blurted out his name.

Of course, it wasn’t perfect pronunciation.

But I was surprised, and Hardwin was even more surprised than me.

“You… Did you just say my name?”

He asked me in a faintly trembling voice.