Only Realized After Losing You

29. My Heart Is Beating Very Slowly, Like It’s About To Stop

One might have thought it was ridiculous that I laid down on the bed wearing the white shoes Hardwin gave me.

There wasn’t a big reason why.

I just didn’t want to take off the shoes I was wearing for the first time.

Since the shoes were new, the bed sheets wouldn’t get dirty anyway.

I was only wearing one shoe, but strangely enough, I started to feel drowsy.

I felt like my mind had become peaceful all of a sudden.

All the anxiety I had been feeling about my father was gone, and in its place was a sense of security.

I slowly drifted off to sleep like that.

That night, I had a rather erotic dream.

The person who made my dream like that was Hannah’s younger brother, Hardwin.

Surprisingly, in my dream, Hardwin was tilting his face as if he were going to kiss me.

It was a kiss within the context of a dream.

Hardwin’s white hand cupped my cheek, the tip of his nose touched mine, and his lips brushed against mine a couple of times.

His lips felt unfamiliar yet arousing to me.

His pale lashes, as long as shadows, gracefully draped over his eyes.

I stared straight at his face instead of closing my eyes.

That was the moment when Hardwin’s hot breath touched my lips.

Hardwin’s eyes, which had been closed, suddenly opened.

His eyes were no longer emerald.

They were replaced by bright red eyes that seemed to penetrate my every thought.

I was staring into eyes redder than the setting sun.

It was at that moment that Hardwin’s face also changed.

His fine-lined, fairly handsome face had morphed into the rugged features of a man I knew.

Lennon Hills, a man with an arrogant aura that made me feel like I had to bow my head just looking at him.

His face changed.

Lennon pulled his lips from mine and whispered softly.

‘… Where are you now?’

“… … !”

As soon as I woke up, I gasped for breath like I was about to vomit.

I glanced around to confirm if this was indeed the same place where I slept the previous night.

Perhaps because the sky was already bright, the surroundings had become brighter.

And neither the Lennon I had seen in my dream nor the father who had followed me were visible.

But I could still see Lennon’s red eyes from my dream.

The red traces he left behind did not disappear easily.

Why did I dream of that?

I dabbed at my forehead with my sleeve.

My forehead was damp with a cold sweat that had been there for an unknown time.

* * *

I was free from my father’s chains.

It was now completely up to me to decide everything.

* * *

“They say it’s an incurable disease.”

Hannah spoke without looking at me or anything else.

Her brown eyes were unfocused.

They looked like they were thinking about something. Like they were recalling something from the distant past.

Perhaps she was thinking about the day she found out she had an incurable disease.

I wrote down what I wanted to ask on the notepad in front of me on the table.

Hannah, who sat across from me, did not interrupt, only staring down at my scribbles.

⌜You mean it can’t be treated?⌟

When I finished the message, Hannah responded immediately.

“Yeah.”

It was a short and blunt answer.

“I have a near-genetic, terminal illness. I knew a long time ago that I would be dead by this time.”

A near-genetic, terminal illness.

Hannah, a terminally ill woman.

Hannah looked beautiful, straightforward, and healthy, but her life was destined to end earlier than anyone else.

“The reason I don’t look like I’m going to die soon is because the genetic disease I suffer from is not that noticeable on the outside. It’s a blessing in disguise.”

“… … .”

“I was born with a weak heart. My father also died at an early age from heart disease. But I still worked hard to improve my physical strength in order to live a long life.”

The reason why Hannah was so good at martial arts seemed to stem from that very reason.

Just as I ran away from my father to survive, Hannah also probably developed her physical strength to survive.

“But other than the fact that I got a little better at punching, nothing changed. Sometimes I couldn’t breathe well, so I almost died several times.”

Hannah traced her hand lazily over the spot where her heart was and continued.

“The doctor said I should have been dead already… that it’s a miracle I made it this far.”

After saying that, she quietly closed her eyes.

“My heart is beating very slowly, like it’s about to stop.”

I stared at Hannah as she assessed the strength of her heart.

Count Phever’s garden, with well-manicured trees planted in a straight line, and a table covered with color-coordinated fabric.

A fragrant tea brought by Count Phever’s maid. A teacup with a pretty flower on it.

And Hannah wearing a dress with a plunging bustline.

She was sitting upright with her back straight, and her silver hair blowing in the gentle breeze.

The scene looked so beautiful.

It was impossible to look anywhere else.

“Ellie, what are you staring at so intently? It makes my heart flutter.”

Hannah didn’t even open her closed eyes, but she seemed to notice my gaze.

She was quite perceptive.

Her closed eyes slowly opened. She looked straight at me and said.

“It feels weird to have a woman who looks like me looking at me.”

It’s the same for me too. I feel weird.

“I think this pretty much explains my story. When can I hear about yours?”

“… … .”

“Why can’t you speak? You’re not mute, are you?”

I scribbled on my notepad, thinking back over the years.

⌜I got so used to not talking that I forgot how to talk.⌟

Hannah asked.

“Do you want to talk now?”

I nodded my head vigorously.

I could say without a doubt that I have never wished more desperately to be able to speak again.

Hannah seemed to like my energetic nod.

She continued with a very charming smile.

“Good. I think speaking again is not difficult if you have the will to do so. You even asked me for help yesterday.”

She was right.

In the heat of the moment, I blurted out one word.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to say the perfect thing even if you weren’t in an urgent situation?

Hannah didn’t even touch the teacup in front of me as she continued to ask me questions. I wondered if her throat was burning.

“So have you made a decision about the proposal I made yesterday?”

Hannah’s proposal was to live as ‘Hannah Phever’ for about a year.

I hesitated to answer this time.

To be honest, I wasn’t hesitant because I didn’t want to do it.

But I wasn’t confident.

Will I be able to live as Hannah Phever without anyone discovering my identity?

Ever since I was born, I had only done what others had told me to do.

Would I be able to fool others perfectly?

I bit my lower lip gently.

This time, Hannah was as tactful as ever and took the initiative to speak first.

“Honestly, there is very little for you to do. All you have to do is show everyone that ‘Hannah Phever’ is alive.”

It was as if she noticed all my anguish and worries, so sweetly.

I felt like I had been comforted by Hannah again.

The only person who immediately understood my heart and what I was feeling.

Was that why?

I felt a strange kinship with her because she looked like me.

“If it’s a complicated job or something that requires contact with other people… Hardwin will take care of that. I told you. He’s my minion. He does a great job.”

Hardwin.

As soon as I heard that name, I glanced down at the shoes I was currently wearing.

Those were meaningful shoes that he personally prepared for me last night.

“The county is quite far away from where you used to live, so it would be even more suitable for hiding your identity.”

“… … .”

“I hope you make a decision quickly.”

The answer to Hannah’s words came from someone other than me.

“… Sister. Stop pestering her. How can she make a decision in one day?”

I turned around in the direction of the sound.

That’s when I saw Hardwin approaching us.

Hardwin’s silver hair was shining beautifully in the warm summer sunlight.

When did he leave Count Phever’s mansion and set foot in the garden?

“… … .”

He walked to my side and stopped.

Hannah and I looked up at him like we were in the middle of a conversation.

Hardwin’s eyebrows were slightly furrowed.

“Then how many days should I give her?”

Hardwin acted as if he needed a lot of time to think about it but he said something that was almost similar to what Hannah said about giving me a day.

“At least… Two days?”

Then Hannah burst out laughing.

“Pfft, haha Hardwin. Are you kidding? Ellie, he was just kidding. He’s trying to make you laugh.”

“… … .”

“It’s a really bad joke, but I hope you’ll laugh. Otherwise, he’ll pout. You don’t know how good he is at pouting.”

“Hmm.”

He cleared his throat a couple of times and looked down at my shoes.

It was as if he was checking to see if I was wearing the shoes he gave me.

His downcast gaze slowly rose to meet mine.

He smiled faintly and nodded slightly.

It felt like his way of thanking me for the shoes.

“By the way, what brings you to the garden, for a guy who rarely comes down here?”

The smile was fleeting.

As soon as Hannah asked the question, Hardwin’s face hardened.

He parted his lips again with a frown on his face.

“There’s mail for you, sister, I thought I’d give it to you.”

“You’re not the kind of guy to deliver such things, are you?”

“I think it’s okay to be surprised once in a while.”

“That’s funny. Give me the mail first.”

Hardwin handed the envelope he was holding to Hannah.

Hannah picked it up and tore off the adhesive. Then she unfolded the white paper inside the envelope.

As soon as she read the words, she made an annoyed face.

What is it about?

Hannah muttered to herself as if it wasn’t a secret.

“… Ah. I can’t believe an engagement proposal is coming to someone who is about to die.”

An engagement proposal?

At that moment, I saw the pattern engraved on the envelope.

It was a pattern that was strangely familiar to me.

It resembled the markings on the Duchy of Hills’ carriage, which I had ridden many times.

“Ellie, would you like me to tell you where the engagement proposal came from?”

I nodded.

My heart was beating uncontrollably fast, in contrast to Hannah’s fading heartbeat.

“The Duchy of Hills.”