Only Realized After Losing You

13. Salvation is Something You Find Yourself

I invited Lebrado to sit on the old sofa in the living room.

He sat on the sofa with his back straight in a rigid manner.

Even when I brought back two teacups, Lebrado’s posture remained the same.

He could have sat more comfortably… I wondered if he was uncomfortable.

I sat across from him.

Silence fell between us.

Since I couldn’t speak, all I could do was wait for Lebrado to say something.

As I waited for him to speak, I lifted the teacup to my mouth, hoping to quench my thirst.

Eventually, when I took a sip of tea, I felt Lebrado’s eyes light up as his gaze touched my hand.

It was a gaze so intense that it could have burned a hole in the back of my hand.

He didn’t even touch the teacup in front of him, he was focused only on my hand.

I placed the teacup on the table as if it didn’t matter.

Lebrado’s gaze also softened as it followed my hand downwards.

Then he seemed to come to his senses belatedly.

“… I’m sorry. I keep looking at Miss Ellie’s hands again without realizing it, because these hands are my ideal type.”

The ideal type of hand. It was definitely a strange and funny statement.

I smiled faintly.

It wasn’t just his weird comment that made me smile.

It was the slight blush on Lebrado’s face as he discussed his ideal hand.

He had a very shy face despite his bulky body.

It was an ironic sight.

But I didn’t hate the look. I liked the way Lebrado scratched his cheek shyly.

Maybe that’s why.

The smile on his face did not disappear for a long time.

It was the most comfortable smile I had seen in a long time.

It had been so long that I didn’t even remember the last time I smiled like that.

Lebrado barely took his eyes off my hand.

He finally locked eyes with me, his eyes brimming with regret.

I had a feeling that he would now reveal his story.

“I was suspended because of my strange taste for hands… I was wondering what I was going to do with my life. Then I met Miss Ellie’s father.”

Suspension.

It seemed like Lebrado had been disciplined at a job he was doing well at.

As he said, because of his strange taste for hands.

I nodded to show that I was listening.

He continued.

“Your father saw my worried face and told me to tell you my worries. He said that if I told you a secret I couldn’t tell anyone else, it would ease my pain.”

“… … .”

“I fell for his words and my appointment is today. Your father told me to come here around this time.”

Lebrado, who had said that, swept his face with both large hands as if washing his face.

“But what is this?”

“… … .”

“You have hands that I could only hope to have in my dreams.”

He said in an almost tearful voice.

I couldn’t tell if he was crying because he was happy to meet the hand he had only dreamed of, or if he was crying because he felt pathetic for being so obsessed with someone’s hands.

I quietly looked down at my hands.

Although my fingers were thin and long, they were not particularly pretty hands.

My knuckles were thick and somewhat crude.

The reason for my rough appearance was probably due to the flower garden that I had been cultivating since I was young.

Before I knew it, Lebrado’s golden eyes were on my hand again.

He seemed to sense the meaning of my actions as I looked down at my hands.

“Pretty hands to me,” he said, “are a little different from other people’s standards.”

“… … .”

“For me, the prettiest hands in the world are the ones that look like the hands of my… mother, who died five years ago.”

He bowed his head deeply.

Strangely enough, his lethargic face was actually quite cute.

It was a thought that didn’t seem to match his figure.

“Maybe it’s because I miss my mother who passed away suddenly. When I see hands that resemble my mother’s, I want to touch it and lick it.”

Lebrado suddenly looked embarrassed as he confessed his true feelings.

“W-well, of course I’m not thinking of my mother in a weird way, I assure you… I don’t even know why I’m doing this.”

Lebrado’s shoulders slumped. If there was a mouse hole, he would probably want to hide there.

But did he know?

No matter how much he cowered, there weren’t many places he could hide his body.

Lebrado seemed clearly embarrassed by his behavior.

He seemed to be deeply self-conscious about getting excited when he saw a hand that resembled his deceased mother’s hand.

I got up from where I was sitting.

Since I couldn’t tell him, ‘It’s okay,’ I was going to comfort him at least with my touch.

I walked a few steps and stopped in front of Lebrado.

Then I patted him on the shoulder a couple of times.

It was an encouraging gesture.

“… Don’t you think I’m strange? Don’t you think it’s gross?”

Lebrado looked up at me.

I shook my head.

I had experienced enough strange and disgusting situations.

The strange situation in which the two men who told me their secrets were actually brothers.

The horribly disgusting situation in which my father sold my older sister to pay off his debt.

Lebrado’s story of developing strange desires because he missed his mother was nothing compared to that.

At least that was the case for me.

That’s why I felt the urge to say, ‘It’s okay.’

I opened my lips a little to see if I could, but no sound came out between them. Still. Silence. Silence.

I felt a strange sinking feeling.

Was I disappointed…?

Am I heartbroken over not being able to talk?

I pointed to his hand on his knee.

“My, my hand?”

I nodded.

Lebrado held out his hand towards me with a puzzled look on his face.

I began to write the message I wanted to convey to him on his palm.

It was a very slow movement because I couldn’t write well.

Lebrado waited patiently.

Every time my fingertips moved, his body twitched noticeably.

When I finally finished, the message went something like this.

⌜You must have loved your mom a lot.⌟

Perhaps because he loved his mother so much, he developed an obsession with hands that resembled hers?

Lebrado’s golden eyes glowed as he recognized my message.

It wasn’t long before he started crying as if the world had fallen apart.

Tears overflowed from his golden eyes, ran down his cheeks, pooled at the tip of his chin, and eventually dripped onto the floor.

Lebrado’s cries were pitiful.

It was a sound that made even my heart ache.

His cries were even more pitiful than my sister’s.

I patted him on the shoulder until he stopped crying.

No matter how intense the tears were, there was always a point at which they stopped.

Eventually, Lebrado, who had been crying for a while, gradually stopped crying.

He sniffed loudly, and then confessed his situation.

“… I loved her. There were many of my friends who didn’t get along well with their parents, but I was very close with them.”

“… … .”

“I liked both my father and mother, but I liked my mother a little more. I especially loved the way my mother stroked my head with her warm hands. Now I will never feel that touch again.”

“… … .”

“Sometimes I wake up with tears in my eyes. Those are the days I dream of my mother. In my dreams, she strokes my hair and says, ‘Lebrado, you are the loveliest child anyone has ever known.'”

What does it feel like to be loved by your mother?

It was a feeling I couldn’t even imagine.

“Miss Ellie… would you mind stroking my hair?”

I stroked his brown hair without hesitation.

I had already patted his shoulder, so I figured it wasn’t a big deal to pet his head?

‘Lebrado. You are the loveliest child of all.’

I repeated those words in my mind. These were words that could not possibly reach Lebrado.

But we were making eye contact.

I thought Lebrado would recognize the message in my gaze.

My thoughts as I stroked your head.

Sincerity conveyed only through eye contact.

Sometimes eye contact spoke louder than words.

“Miss Ellie, it’s our first meeting and we haven’t known each other for very long, but if I say something like this, I’ll look really weird… It may be burdensome, but… ”

Lebrado blurted out in a rush. Then he closed his mouth for a few seconds.

He seemed to be hesitant to say something.

His lips twitched several times, as if he was wavering about whether to speak or not.

Then he lowered his head and finally muttered what he wanted to say.

“Please be my master.”

It was something I couldn’t quite understand at first.

“… If I do something that Miss Ellie likes, please pat me on the head as a reward. Or you can let me lick your hands.”

“… … .”

“I’m not trying to do anything dirty! Please believe me… Because I just like Miss Ellie’s hands. I don’t mind if you treat me like a pet dog.”

“… … .”

“If that’s the only way I can get your touch, I’ll feel saved.”

Was saving someone this easy?

I felt sorry for myself for thinking I was beyond salvation.

Lebrado came to me and mustered up the courage to confess his situation.

He told me his true feelings.

A rather esoteric truth, true, but the bottom line was that he was trying to be saved.

I had a small realization there.

Salvation is something you find yourself.

You can’t just stand still and expect a savior to show up.

Therefore, my escape from the shitty reality had to come from my own will.

My determination will lead to my salvation.

The only person who can save me, is me.

‘Mister Hayden, it’s a pity, but my child doesn’t entertain at night. Please keep this in mind. A virgin bride is worth a fortune’

Before my father sold me off to become someone’s bride, I had to save myself.