I am Peter Parker

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***

- I'm sorry to ask this question just now, but what's your name?

- Um... You promise not to laugh, or I'll have a granny name....

- OK.

- Edith Thompson, that's my name.

- Right. Well, then.

Chapter 17: On a Date with Edith Thompson

Following the call of a frightened woman, I found and then put a band-aid on my girlfriend's forehead, as I was prepared for this scenario. I gave her time to come to her senses, to sit on the bench, and I went to the nearest ice-cream parlour to sweeten the old stuff when it hurt.

- I didn't ask what flavour you prefer, so I got vanilla and chocolate. - I came back to her with the most neutral options available. - Which one do you want?

- S-A you? Which one do you want? - She asked me with a strange kind of assertiveness, as if I'd walked into a mobile phone shop shouting, "I'd like a phone!"

- I'll take anything. - although I'd prefer a chocolate one. But I'll keep that to myself. - So feel free to take whatever you want. The ice cream's gonna melt and get my hands all dirty.

- Oh! I'm sorry. - she snatched both cones out of my hands. I respect her choice and even share her desire, but I was buying for myself.

- Ahem.

- Oh, sorry! - With some semblance of consternation, she abruptly handed the horns back.

- There we are, right back where we started, haa..... - who would have thought relationship complications would come so early in a relationship?

.....

Reluctantly licking the vanilla, Flash kept casting languorous glances in the direction of my balloon, which I had almost finished. If she wanted chocolate so badly, she could have just said so!

- Do you think you can stand up? You don't feel dizzy anymore? - I nodded cautiously, "Oh, if only you were as careful about banging your head into trees... - Okay, the session starts in ten minutes, shall we go?

- S-session? A session of what?! - She's a little jumpy, maybe she's nervous. Maybe it's her first date, too.

Who knows, in this world, but in my past, I wouldn't have believed that such a beautiful girl was on a date for the first time.

- The film. I can't remember exactly what film it was, I glanced at the rating, it seemed like a great comedy. - Yeah, a good comedy is perfect. The endorphins from the laughter should make her feel relaxed and at ease in my company, and then we can move on to the rest of the dating routine.

- C-Comedy? - however hitting my expectations with a bat to the balls, something causes Flash to lose the colour in her face, and pour sweat.

- You don't like comedies? - Shit, did I screw up?

- Me? Of course I like comedies. I like to laugh! - Apparently she likes to wave her arms, too, because she's waving like she's calling for rain. - I don't really like to laugh, I'm not a noisy person, not at all! Especially if you don't like them!

I don't know, I might find loud and chatty people annoying, but I wouldn't want to wait until my golden wedding anniversary to hear my wife's voice for the first time.

- I don't have a particular preference, don't sweat it. Come on, let's finish your meal, let's go.

-Inside the cinema-

Strangely enough, there was no queue at our box office at all. It seems like the film is about to start and people are about to be let in, but it's just us and the girl in front.

- What?! You're saying that some rich guy rented the whole auditorium for this film and that's why there are no tickets?! - Uh, the girl up front is clearly in a bad mood.

Wait! Why the hell did my transaction go through? I'm pretty sure I bought tickets for this show. Is it possible I bought them before the screening was cancelled? Then are the three of us going to see the film in the whole auditorium? I'm sure someone else bought tickets besides me, and I don't think the rich guy's coming alone...

- Erm. Peter, I'm going to use the loo, do you mind? - That's usually how people leave, but Flash stood there as if she really needed my permission.

- Yeah, sure.

- Oh, hello there. - The cashier looked down at the window, blushing. Ignoring the young girl's shy demeanour, perhaps her first job, it happens, I called out our ticket numbers.

**Flash**

- Phew... - Slapping my soaked palms on my face, I turned off the tap and stared at my reflection, calming down slightly.

What the hell is he doing?! He's so polite! He's courting me! And he's paying for everything himself.

...No, it's nice, of course.

But he doesn't take me seriously at all. He's acting like I'm not his girlfriend, but his friend.

- I'm not an Avenger to be courted by a guy. - I don't know what the hell is going on. What's wrong with him? What's wrong with me? Why do I keep quiet or talk nonsense? Why am I so worried that I'm going to cackle like a horse at a film? It didn't bother me at all before.

I guess. That's what it's like to go on a date with someone way out of your league. It's exhausting.

**Back to Peter.

I sat down in my seat, just in case I didn't know how many people the rich guy was going to be with, and waited for Flash, watching adverts and eating popcorn.

A minute later she came in, I shouted across the empty theatre and she came over to me, sitting down next to me. I handed her the lemonade, and offered her some popcorn. I took a big one on purpose, because that's what you do on dates, isn't it? I'm such a romantic.

- Did you wash your hands after you went to the bathroom? With soap and water? Did you wipe afterwards? - After receiving curt, affirmative nods, I light-heartedly put the packet of popcorn on the armrest.

.....

I don't think this film was my type. A lot of the jokes revolve around sex, one-night stands and the like. Maybe in the beginning it was still funny, but now I'm bored. I wouldn't call it a bad film though, just not my thing.

As for Flash, well....

- Bgghm! Mhm!... Ngghm! - I still can't believe how distinctly red her swollen cheeks are. She's been laughing her arse off for the last 40 minutes. I don't really know why.

As for the rich guy, he or she never shows up. So we're watching a film in an empty cinema in absolute solitude from that so and so is drawn to a little bit of mischief ...

Like taking a nap or building a fort, there's a lot of empty space, I think it would make a whole harbour kingdom.

.....

- Ughhhh. My cheeks hurt. - As she rubbed her face on the way out of the cinema, Flash sobbed. She had to hold back for another hour.

- Yeah, I know the feeling. My cheek muscle cramped up this week, so much so that I couldn't stop smiling. - It's hard to believe it was just this week.

- Oh, tell me the film's stupid, right? It's dumb, cheesy bullshit. - It's weird, she could barely keep from laughing out loud, couldn't she? Or am I confused?

- It's not that bad. I think it's worth a watch.

- Yeah! Yeah, that's what I think too. - it was only as she was speaking that she realised she was contradicting herself. - Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha... - What an awkward and embarrassing laugh.

- Shall we go to a café? - Maybe a cup of something warming would take the edge off.

- Sure, if you want. - Maybe I should have asked if she wanted to, instead of asking her directly. It's not even clear if she's accepting on her own accord or because I suggested it.

.....

As we searched for a nice looking cafe, Flash cast tense glances at me now and then. She still seemed to be worried. Frankly, it's hard for me to understand why, even though this is her first date. It's my first date too, so I'm a little embarrassed and uptight, which is natural, and I don't know if it's mutual, but I find her attractive and even beautiful. Her behaviour, on the other hand, would be more suited to someone who has been in love for years, and was content with the friendzone until one day she was invited to step out of it.

- Oh, there it is. Isn't this the one you liked in the pictures? - Yeah, the same cafe I found on the internet. Only during the search, Flash was silent and only looked at me while I flicked through the pictures of the nearest cafes, even though we were supposed to choose together.

It was nice inside, the cafe with its log walls and pictures of nature, along with the pots of fresh flowers hanging from the ceiling, made it cosy. Maybe in this atmosphere she'd calm down.

- Coffee, black! - she hastily ordered.

- Tea with berries and honey.

- А?! You don't want black coffee?! - Flash blurted out, not letting me relax in my cosy chair. - Don't guys like you drink coffee alone?!

- A lot of coffee can damage the enamel on your teeth and cause intestinal problems. And yes, what guys like me?

- Well... You know. - no, that's why I asked. And stop fidgeting, you're distracting me.

Whoa. Guys like me? Her behaviour. I think I get it. I wish I was wrong, but I have to check.

- Could you describe me?

- Well. Erm. А... Well, you're handsome. - I blushed in embarrassment. I suppose anything that involves my forehead is the obvious truth, otherwise.....

- What else?

- Hilarious. - Is that why you can't afford to laugh in my presence?

- Is that how funny people like their coffee?

- Erm. No, I guess not, but smart guys do. - Smart guys, not the ones who look smart.

- So you think I'm smart? - she nodded, blushing even more and giving a shy smile. - And kind?

- Yes, of course! - Now it all makes sense. It turns out I'm a complete package, not a guy, but a dream....

A waitress in a nice brown uniform brought our order. The smell of strawberries rose gently to my nose, making me relax and take another look at Flash.

- Bgghm... - she was clearly choking on her black coffee, glancing every now and then at the sugar bowl or cup of sweet tea. Her persistence is pretty cute.

I calmly took her cup and saucer, exchanging them for my order. Followed by a sharp gulp of the rest of the coffee. The bitter taste rippled down my throat, distracting me from the memories of a guy who'd lost a lot and lost himself trying to please a fox he'd dressed in sheep's clothing.

- You know. - it's still bitter to swallow. - Maybe we should break up.

- А?.. - the sweet smile turned to a smile of surprise.

-later. At the lodge.

- SHUT UP! Or I'll punch you in your pointy face! - I was greeted by a scream. It was coming from the living room, and it was Arnold.

- Of course, people like you can only do things by force! - and Jude was shouting back, with no less fervour, it must be said.

It's been four hours, and they're still arguing, aren't they? Well, they're stubborn blokes, aren't they?

- Don't make excuses, you paper pusher! - Oh, how rude. But at least he's still got his hands up.

- Polythene barbarian! - What a peculiar insult.

- Hey, Sang-hyun, Sash. - I said hello to the audience and sat next to them on the sofa.

- Alex!

- Shh! - shut up my mysterious mate non-binary. And then shared a cereal.

- Paper bags are better for nature!

- And polythene ones are stronger!

Wait... What?

- Weren't they arguing about who has it harder in the case of unlawful sexual assault by a third party?

- Why are you talking so complicated?! You think you can fill more space with complicated sentences! - What space is Sasha talking about? Has he gone cuckoo and sees our lives as chapters in an absurd comedy that suddenly lacks pages? Or was he referring to the time in the episode, referring to the place in the episode?

- Yes, they started with that, but then switched to career inequality between the sexes, physical inequality, then moved on to politics, parties, history, then got to environmentalism and here we go.... We're on the package question.

- How many goose eggs do you think you can put in a paper bag? Not nearly as many as in a plastic bag!

- Huh? How stupid is that? If you're making an example, then give something as normal as chicken eggs.

- ?! You got something against goose eggs?! They're bigger and more nutritious than your chicken eggs!

- And the price and availability?!

Oh, this is really interesting. I'm going to make some tea or something.

**Third entry in the video room**

Written on a piece of paper:

- Tell me more about your girlfriend.

Written on the back is the text:

- Director, I think the female viewers will appreciate a new type for the show - a regular guy who has a girlfriend. Let's make it his thing and at least do something to cover up his mediocrity and complete lack of charm. Sincerely, Ripley Ryan.

- Apparently it's not just Ripley who's useless! At least they gave you another piece of paper. And yes, I don't have a girlfriend anymore.