I am Peter Parker

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***

** Parker's house. Silver Sablinova**

- Mggh... I miss the maids.

Man! If that guy doesn't hurry back from his stupid show, I'm gonna have to deal with cockroaches soon! There's a lot of rubbish piling up here: bags, food boxes, dirty clothes, and more.

- Haa. I only agreed to look after him because of the promise of a full service.

Where's my home-cooked food? Why should I order fast food, it's almost as inedible as restaurant food! Where is the cleanliness and comfort provided by a handsome man in a butler's suit? Where are the weeping beauties in need of comfort? Where is it all?!

- Why do I have to spend my days in a rubbish dump instead?!

And why do small houses with only two floors, two bathrooms, a few bedrooms, a kitchen and a living room get clogged up so quickly, not even two days after the guy left for the shoot....

- Maybe I should move into a hotel for a while. Somewhere in Manhattan?

*Shurrh.

What's wrong? Is the glass from the Starbucks suddenly moving? А?

- WHOO! A mouse! A cockroach!!! - something jumped out from under the glass and ran under the couch, making nasty noises. - That's it! I'm getting out of here, and I'll apologise to Mum's friend later if I have to. But it's not safe to be here anymore!

# Ringing with a threatening tune #

Yours.

- Hello, Mummy? - don't hold the phone too close to my ear, otherwise if she's mad at me, my eardrums are fucked.

- Hmm. Humm. Mfmh. - shit, I can't make it out. Apparently the outstretched arm is too far away. Okay, I don't think she's mad, I can put my smartphone to my ear.

- I'm sorry, Mum, I couldn't hear you, the connection was bouncing.

- CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? - My ears! - SILVER, ARE YOU DOING YOUR JOB RESPONSIBLY?! YOU HAVE THE BOY UNDER YOUR CONSTANT SUPERVISION?!

- Well. - Looks like the mustard stains on the floor will soon be joined by my blood from my ears.

**There's not much to do in the cells, so let's skip to the next heroine. And what healthy person would even be interested in some lola?

- Hey! - Rino shouted in her sleep. Without realising why, she suddenly felt sad, but most importantly hurt.

**Flash. At the end of the date, in the cafe.

I'm so tired! Going on dates with handsome men is so exhausting, who knew? But I'm doing pretty good, right? I made sure he didn't get bored, didn't change his mood, and I tried to keep an eye on myself so that I didn't say anything. Of course, not that I had everything perfect, for talking about the film I still want to go under the ground, but otherwise it's not so bad. Who knows, maybe dating hotties will become my routine in the future, lol. Or should I say one handsome guy.

- You know. - who said he didn't drink coffee, but ended up drinking a whole cup in one go, just like I thought all handsome guys were coffee drinkers. - Maybe we should break up.

- А?.. - ...am I having auditory hallucinations from drinking too much tea?

- I'm saying maybe we should break up. - HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT?! - Please, just calm down first, and then I'll explain it to you. - No, you explain it to me now, you arsehole! You think you can string me along, give me compliments, put up with weird behaviour on a date and then just dump me like that?! I'm going to give you a hard time!

- What did I... Did I do wrong? - What the hell am I talking about in such a timid voice?! Flash, get it together and give it to him. - Mm-hmm.

I said confront him, not cry! Me, listen to yourself!

.....

- Mm-hmm. Thank you. - He's mad, he even carries a handkerchief around with him. It's like the perfect date. - So, what did I do wrong?

Ha, I'm sure he's gonna tell me it's about him, not me. That he's not ready for a relationship and blah, blah, blah, blah, typical playboy. I'm sure he only carries a handkerchief cos he makes girls cry all the time.

- Well, you really screwed up.

- Mwah!

Mooaaaah! (Reason reunites with emotion)

Brutal! My heart can't take it! Couldn't you have lied? Say it was about him?! Or that he's not ready for a relationship?!

.....

- Here. - I wrung out the handkerchief and gave it back to Parker. Although there's enough moisture in it to mop the floors of this cafe.

- Are you relieved? - Not a bit! I'm gonna kick your ass!

- Yeah. - I just need to get my head up.

- The thing is. What's the right way to put it? You and I have been in a different relationship. - That's past tense! Have a little pity for me, huh?!

- What are you talking about? - instead of crumpling the hem of my blouse, I should have given him a cliffhanger or a German suplex!

- Do you like me?

- Of course I do!

- I don't like you. - HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?!

- Then what was that all about? A date. - Hang in there, girl, don't you dare cry on me again.

Shit, if he keeps on abusing me like this, I'll become a lesbian.

- I started dating you, without feelings in my heart, but purely on a whim. On impulse, so to speak. I didn't know what to expect, so I realised that it could end either in a happy ending or a break-up.

- И? - What's he even getting at? Is he distracting me so he can strike again on the sly?

- You acted on our date like you were going all-in, like the very beginning of our relationship was already important to you. I'm sure you're willing, or were willing, to forgive me and let me do, etc. if I asked you to, right?

Of course not, I'm not stupid! I would never get hooked on a guy like a total sucker. Man, why did I think of Penny, she's a normal girl, yes with weird interests, but I shouldn't keep judging her or thinking of her as a sucker. Although, I bet she'd do anything a guy asked her to do, ha!

- And although from the outside, it sounds nice, noble, etc., in reality..... May I make you an offer? - Surprised by the abruptness of the offer, I nodded. - How about going into the toilet cubicle and let me fuck you to a pulp?

WHAT? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH A TEMPTING OFFER?!!

Am I about to lose my virginity?! With a guy?! A real, live, flesh-and-blood guy?!! And he's so handsome?!

My friends will never believe me.

- Okay, but it's only mo-

- Chi-chi, that's what I was getting at. You just want me, that's all. I don't know why or in what way, but come on. You want a boyfriend, but not a boyfriend that's me. Any guy would be fine, as long as his face doesn't look like mine. And that would be fine if you really wanted to get to know me, to see if we're right for each other. But you've already introduced me for your dream, and instead of letting me get to know you, you're favouring me, fitting in and holding back.

- ...And what's wrong with that? - I was just nervous, and I wasn't fantasising about him! Those times in the bathtub and before bed don't count.

- The ending. I'm not a dream, I'm a human being with my own strengths and weaknesses, some may well find my apathy towards certain things annoying, for example. When you realise this, the air castle collapses under the fact that you've never loved me. You can fall in love, but you can't love someone in front of whom you have to wear masks and whose countenance you replace with beautiful portraits. Or I'll start using you as a thing, because you'll pretend to be a thing for me, and I'll end up hurting you a lot.

What the hell is that?! I didn't fantasise, I didn't put on masks, I didn't bend over for him. Maybe I wasn't active enough, that's all!

- Haa. I never thought I'd be the one saying it and not hearing it. I'm sure right now, in your head, you're trying to deny what you said, because no one wants to be the par-girl who let themselves be taken advantage of. - ...He's wrong, absolutely. I have nothing to acknowledge from what he said.

However, though his words are painful, he said them out of kindness, not malice - it's obvious by the fact that his eyes give off warmth, rather than narrowed in a snake-like manner. As I thought, he really is a nice guy: he cares about my well-being, he's clever at making conversation, and I guess that's the reason he rejected Osborne-his tender soul wants love, real love, not to be someone else's ordinary achievement....

- You're looking at me like you've missed what I've just said and are building another tower in your air castle. - the tenderness of his soul, would easily explain his callousness at times - so he protects it from others; waits for the one who can see it! Therefore...

- Give me another chance! - If he gives it to me, I'll surely do the right thing.

- How about a shag in the loo?

- I'm in. Only it's my first-

- Haaah. - Peter sank down on the sofa with a heavy sigh. - Look, I don't mind starting with friendship, I was going to suggest it. No responsibilities or obligations to each other, just friendship, how about it?

- Erm... - dynamo. What can you do, though? They say it's always hard with the handsome ones. - Good.

We shook hands and both of us left the cafe in good spirits as friends, but....

He shouldn't even hope for friendship between us! I will definitely win his gin heart!

**Peter. In bed at night at the lodge.

- Hmm?

I feel heavy. It's like there's something on top of me. I'm gonna have to open my eyes. I don't want to!

- Hey, get up. - there's definitely something sitting on me. If it's Arnold, in this position, he can't escape from answering about the contents of the syringe.

- Hmm? Oh, it's you. - just a bum sneaking into my room at night and hovering her big tits over my face. Nothing important, you can go back to sleep. - Hrr...

- Hey, don't you dare fall asleep! Wake up! She ripped the duvet off me.

- All right, which side do I turn round so you'll go away?

- Huh? Which side do I turn round, why?

- So you can do what you came here to do, rape me, so I can go back to sleep.

- AAAAAAAAAAAH?! - and why do you have to shout like that? She's no good at being a con artist or a rapist.

.....

- ... - What? How? Why?

- Well, I made a bit of a mess while you were away. So I was wondering if you could clean up a bit, it's your house after all.

- What's that on the ceiling? Paint?

- Tomato. I was trying to make juice, but I didn't realise you have to close the lid on the blender. Oops.

- What's on the TV?

- I was laughing so hard at that show, you know, the one-hour show, that I accidentally threw a box of sushi at it. Oops.

- So on the nightstand?

- Soy sauce? Yeah. Oops.

- Hey, was my couch always yellow? I thought it was black.

- Of course it was black, silly, I just forgot, and then I sat on top of a bag of Cheetos and it burst, you should have heard it! Ha ha ha ha. Oops.

Where are so many rubbish bags coming from then if all the waste is scattered around my house?

- Are you mad?

- No, I'm not mad. You'd expect a bum to turn my house into his natural habitat... A FUCKING RUBBISH DUMP!

- Don't shout, my ears are already hurting!