Harry Potter: The Blogger of Hogwarts

Dear Albus,

I can't believe I named one of my children after you, you blackmailing fiend. Very well, I will cooperate with your demands under protest, but I will not acquiesce to doing any illegal actions. And I suspect of the two of us, the only one of us who needs to worry about their soul is not me.

Molly

u/lemondropenthusiast

It is I, the headmaster of, shall we say Warthogs School, once more seeking out advice from the wonderful people of Reddit! As you recall from my previous post, H is going to be coming to Warthogs where I fully anticipate him getting into contact with the Dark Lord V. And I have very good news on that front! It seems that my Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, QQ, has been possessed by the spirit of the Dark Lord V. Naturally, I intend to let him among my students, because I can't imagine any harm coming from that. H will face him at the end of the year after braving the gauntlet I constructed. Everything continues apace!

Now I've surpassed myself with yet another stroke of genius. I will have a family of Light supporters, the W family, befriend H and keep him ignorant of his heritage, role in society, and a variety of things he needs to function in society. I will personally have R, the youngest W son (same age as H) spy on the boy in exchange for money…procured from H's vault. When H is old enough, I will have R's younger sister G (F10) seduce H, marry him, and then inherit the estate after H sacrifices himself to kill V.

Oh, yes, I did mention H has to die in order for V to die, didn't I? It's a tragedy, but meh, the world is full of tragedies.

Anyways, I've secured the perfect plan to get the W family to ingratiate themselves to H. I directed my loyal henchman…er, employee RH to "forget" to tell H about the platform where students to Warthogs go to in order to board the train to our school. Then I ordered MW (F…no clue how old she is) to loudly announce the platform number! Thus H will latch onto her! So am I the asshole for being a schemer par excellence…or is my plan, as I suspect, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, I TELL YOU?! GENIUS, I SAY!

....

Presently in the chat:

Harry Potter

Roger Malone

Harry Thanks to Daughter of Dentists for giving me the code to this chat. Does anyone know how to get to Platform 9 3/4? Hagrid forgot to tell me.

Roger There's a wall between Platform 9 and 10. You just run straight into it and presto, you're in the platform. Like magic! *jazz hands*

Harry Thanks, mate! I owe you one! See you at Hogwarts!

....

It's time.

I am going to be a wizard soon. I mean, I technically am a wizard, but I am going to be getting proper training and that's what I meant. Damn my need to be pedantic. Let me start again.

The last few weeks have been some of the most pleasant ones I've ever had with the Dursleys. Forget about magic, all I needed to put them in their place turned out to be the mighty and omnipotent Ishtaran (his words, not mine). Those saps have been acting like I'll order my snake to poison them. But I wouldn't do that, of course. Setting aside the fact that it would be murder, I can't; Ishtaran is a smooth snake and thus not venomous. But the bluff has worked supremely well. Maybe I'm a bad person for terrorizing my relatives a little, but I see it as an eye for an eye.

Unexpectedly, Aunt Petunia gave me a ride to the station. In actuality, she's been nicer than she ever has been these last few weeks, and not entirely out of fear either. Is she a loving aunt and a good person? Hell no. But we've managed to be civil to each other and she's even occasionally answered some questions about my mother. According to Aunt Petunia, my mother was an egocentric narcissist with delusions of grandeur. Obviously, that's suspect, but she did tell me some more believable things. Like how Mum defended Aunt Petunia against bullies sometimes. Or how she tried her best to support Aunt Petunia's dreams. She even showed me a photograph from their wedding, which I'm attaching here. If anyone knows who the men in the picture are, could you let me know?

[Image description: Mum and Dad (I presume he's Dad since we look so similar) standing next to three men, a bookish academic type, a small nervous looking man, and a man with long hair who honestly looks so cool.]

I think, and I'm just guessing, but I think Aunt Petunia was shaken up by Hagrid's threats. If this is how scary the good guys are, she's probably thinking, then the bad guys must have been horrifying. I like to think we understand each other better. Maybe that's wishful thinking, and I know how awful she's been to me, but she's my mother's sister. I think Mum would want us to be on good terms, right?

As for Vernon, I don't think the two of us have exchanged more than a dozen words in the last few weeks. Whenever he wanted to speak to me, he'd relay requests through Aunt Petunia. And Dudley was sent to stay with Aunt Marge until school started, which is a huge problem because I'm actually pitying Dudley now and that's just wrong.

Bizarrely enough, the top secret entrance to the conveyance to Hogwarts is at…drumroll please…King's Cross of all stations. And we get to go on a train. What a total letdown! Why couldn't we go on a flying carpet or something? And it's not even a flying train, just an ordinary (though very old looking) steam train. BORING!

Thanks to Roger Malone, I figured out how to get onto the platform. It was kind of strange. This redheaded woman with a ton of children kept on saying the platform number and how to get on at increasingly loud tones. Maybe there's some sort of charm preventing the Muggles from hearing her? I felt kind of sad for her children. They clearly wanted to be anywhere else.

I got to my compartment and then things got bizarre. Conspiratorially bizarre. Chemtrailsarereal level bizarre. They're probably going to be very smug right now, because for once, you're right and there is a massive, strange conspiracy happening. But, you know, chem trails are not actually real and everything you've been saying is complete madness, so don't get too cocky.

.....

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