Eighteen’s Bed

I placed the ice cream on the low table in the room. Go Yohan and I sat facing each other. The carpet was soft, and the air felt slightly chilly, thanks to the air conditioning. Still, eating ice cream like this? It felt like I was deliberately trying to catch a cold.
"I honestly thought you'd be number one. Wow, this exam was such a nightmare for the questions," Go Yohan suddenly said in a casual tone, and without warning, a sensitive topic came up. It became clear. What was supposed to be a consultation, Go Yohan had probably come just to say this to me. To say what he really wanted to say. That’s why he was here.

I looked down at the wooden table, avoiding his gaze.
"It wasn’t really hard. It’s just that I didn’t do well."
"No, it was hard. It was really hard," Go Yohan said, pretending to be serious as he sucked the spoon with his tongue.

"Actually, my rank dropped a lot," he added.
"How much?"
"Well..."

Go Yohan spread his arms wide.
"A lot—lots—lots—lots."
"Are you kidding?"

"Oh, now you’re picking a fight?"
The spoon tapped his thin lips. His tone was annoyingly condescending, like he was looking down at me. The scales always tilted toward Go Yohan. 'Go Yohan likes me,' I thought, but I also realized that weapon had no effect on him anymore. Since I realized that, I figured it was smarter to run away.
"What can’t you do, Yohan?"

But even I had to admit that my life was tough. I could’ve just shut up and curled up, but no...
"We’re friends, right?"
Sometimes, I was saying things I didn’t need to say.

All because of my damn pride. At the same time, I felt relieved. Go Yohan’s eyebrows twitched, signaling his discomfort. But he quickly plastered a bright smile on his face. His gloomy expression bloomed into a flower.
"See? I’m so glad when you act like this."
"Ah... You’re glad?"

His response felt off. It made me feel like I was just a small part of something he didn’t care much about. I liked him, but I was a presence he didn’t want a change in. I had become just that kind of person to him.
"Yeah. We’re like best friends now. The closest friends. I can talk freely with you."
"...You really mean freely?"
"Of course."

"Like before?"
Go Yohan’s long neck moved lightly. He gave me permission. I was sure of it. With that certainty, I leaned slightly toward him. Our feelings seemed so different, and with that thought, I felt an impulse to ask something.
"So, you really hated Han Junwoo that much?"

"Why are you asking that all of a sudden?"
"I’ve heard some things about you. Things you won’t admit." I threw out a juicy bait.
"Now that I think about it, you said you hated Han Junwoo because he was gay."

"Huh?"
"But you like men, don’t you?"
This time, I made sure to strike before he could dodge. His sunny expression started to twist. Ah, I had caught him. I felt happy. Surely, he realized how ridiculous it sounded. Go Yohan’s lies were always so convenient. I put down my spoon and rested my chin on my hand.

"Yeah, that’s weird. So, there’s no real reason to hate Han Junwoo, is there?"
"..."
"Was it because of me?"

Go Yohan’s lips twitched awkwardly. It was like he was trying to force a smile, pulling at the string of his teeth.
"Of course not."
"Ah, I see."

I knew this would be his answer. I wasn’t expecting anything special. It was just a test. A test. I didn’t really care. The reason my mood suddenly plummeted was... well, it was because of something I had heard from Shin Jaehyun. I clenched my fist and then relaxed it. I didn’t care. I muttered to myself, forcing the recent question from my mind.
"So, why did you hate Han Junwoo? You two were really close, weren’t you?"
"Why are you asking that out of nowhere?"

"Because I’m curious. It just seems weird."
Go Yohan frowned slightly but answered casually, as if it didn’t bother him at all.
"There’s nothing weird about it. I’ve always hated those pathetic guys who don’t study."

"Then why were you close at first? Han Junwoo was always bad at studying."
"That’s about managing connections, managing connections. I didn’t have anyone around me who was more influential than Han Junwoo. His head was empty, and all his friends were losers."
"Ah... I see."

"Yeah? Are you satisfied with the answer now?"
"Yeah, I get it."
Everything you said was a lie.

Managing connections? Had Go Yohan ever cared about Han Junwoo’s friends, like Choi Donghwan or Hong Huijun? Had he ever gone out at night with a senior who hung around with Han Junwoo? He might’ve been lenient with Park Dongcheol, who had bowed first, but that was suspicious too. What kind of "connection management" was he talking about?
"...Well, I guess managing connections is important."
That’s why I’m in this mess. Forced to entertain unwanted guests.

 
****
I think I'm pathetic. But it can't be helped. The reason I act like this is probably because I still haven't become an adult. Adults say they eat alone and play alone, but for students who have to live isolated for half a day in a place for three years, being alone is still an enormous trial.

The thing about being alone is how tough it is. Even Shin Jaehyun can't stand being alone and lives in groups. For a high school student, being alone is almost the same as suicide.
I picked up the spoon that was on the table. The silver spoon gently brushed against the green surface. As the frozen skin peeled off, the inside was revealed. I looked at the deeper green and spoke.
“But when are you going home?”

“It’s raining a lot right now, isn’t it?”
“It’s next door.”
“The rain... it’s pouring down like a torrential storm.”

Go Yohan's hands slowly rose. Then, he shook his long fingertips as if to look cheap. No sound effects were necessary. Through the veranda window of my room, I could see the storm and the trees shaking in the garden. I looked at the scenery outside the window in despair.
“…I should still have a few clothes left here.”
Somehow, Go Yohan had lowered his hands and was carefully tapping the table with his fingertips. When I turned my head, Go Yohan was looking up at me with his head slightly lowered. He had the face of a child or a cat, as if he was asking for something.

“Right?”
“…Yeah, there should be some.”
“Can I wear them?”

His thin eyelids blinked. My body stiffened. This wasn’t just a request to change clothes. He was asking to sleep over. I wanted to scream at that moment. No. You can’t.
“…Fine. It’s your clothes.”
“Really?”

But my life never flows the way I want it to, and reality often oppresses me.
“Go wash up first. I don’t like you rubbing your head on my pillow with wet hair from the rain.”
“No backing out.”

“Fine. You know where the towels are.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Go Yohan threw the spoon onto the table and jumped up. He hurriedly headed toward the small door attached to my room. It seemed like he was afraid I might change my mind. Of course, it was probably just my feeling. I kept my gaze on the door that was about to close. It was just about to shut when the door suddenly swung open again.

“Can I use your shampoo?”
Through the crack in the door, I saw Go Yohan’s half-wet hair swaying. He always acts as if he never uses my shampoo. Every time he stayed over, he used it freely. I didn’t say anything, but it was obvious, since his scent always smelled like mine.
“Sure.”

But now, I hate that so much. I’m scared. I don’t like you, and I don’t like not being able to control myself.
Go Yohan, who was satisfied with my answer, hid his head behind the door. The door clicked shut.
The only sound in the room was my breathing. I quietly got up. The carpet muffled my footsteps. Soon, I heard the sound of a shower turning on from across the room. I looked at the ice cream box. I didn’t know when it had been finished, but there was only one spoonful of green left.

I took my spoon and scraped the remaining ice cream into my mouth. The cold, bitter taste lingered in my mouth.
While Go Yohan was showering, I changed into more comfortable clothes. At the same time, I took out the clothes I had tucked away somewhere for him. They seemed to have a strange dust smell, so I just sprayed some air freshener on them. After returning, the door Go Yohan had entered was tightly shut, so I left the clothes in front of the door.
Lying on my bed, watching the rain outside the window, I heard the door creak open. Only his long hand stretched out through the gap in the door and fumbled around on the floor.

“It’s on the left there.”
The hand hesitated for a moment, then bounced lightly and moved to the left. Once the hand found the clothes, it slowly disappeared back through the door. After some time, Go Yohan came out wearing the clothes I gave him, holding his slightly damp school uniform. With a towel on his head, he smiled widely as he approached the bed and stood there, staring at me.
“Good thing. It’s been there for quite a while, but it’s fine.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”
No, neither of us can go back to how things were. I accept that, but the problem is that you can’t accept it. Our friendship broke because of that difference in opinion. No, honestly, it wasn’t even friendship. Our relationship was more about dark intentions than purity, and that’s where this ending started.
And the seeds I planted bloomed in a place I didn’t know, carried by the summer breeze.

 
****
Go Yohan is a real liar.

I thought to myself as I looked down at the shameless Go Yohan sleeping in my bed. Is he pretending to sleep? But I immediately dismissed the thought. Sleeping Go Yohan is hard to imitate. He really looks like a corpse.
Go Yohan sleeps without even making a sound, like a dead mouse. Like a wild animal.
The most recent lie Go Yohan told was about always sleeping in the guest room. When did my bed become the guest room? I didn’t want to use the shower he used, so I went to the bathroom on the first floor, and this is what happened. He was even sleeping slightly shifted to the left, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight.

Was it intentional, or just a coincidence?
“Whether it’s coincidence or not, there’s no reason for the trap to fail.”
There’s no need to walk the hard road. I grabbed my phone and left the room. I went to the guest room to sleep. But unfortunately, I spent the night wide awake. My eyes were wide open like I had just drunk coffee. When people stay up all night, they often do stupid things.

I prayed in vain, staring at the dark ceiling.
Please help my life get better. I’ve suffered enough, right? What am I supposed to learn from this trial? Damn it, is it to love thy neighbor? Make some sense, will you?
God always helps me halfway. Eventually, when I realize that I’m the one who has to solve this problem, I fall into despair again. Life is like gears. It just keeps turning in the same cycle. Even though I vow to never do this again, I’ll probably fall into the same thing.

Why is it so hard to control numbers with 1 in them? First place in the school, 12th place, my teenage years... they’re all hard. The only number I can control easily is one without 1 attached to it.
I woke up at 5 a.m. today. Well, I didn’t wake up, I just never fell asleep.
I changed into the school uniform I had prepared before Go Yohan woke up and went outside. When I got out, it was 6 a.m. I walked down the quiet morning street and suddenly decided to catch any bus and get on. Maybe I just wanted to escape from my messed-up reality. My grades and my connections were both terrible.

I thought maybe it would be better to just leave and die somewhere. I’ll have to go to school eventually, but no matter where my feet take me, I can always take a taxi to get back. The only thing I have left is money.
Of course, money always gives me a second chance. At this time, I didn’t understand the natural course of things.
The reason I used the early leave slip the homeroom teacher gave me was entirely Go Yohan’s fault. I didn’t want to show others that I was too friendly with him. I didn’t want to get sucked into the same misunderstanding. It would definitely be a pit. The only thing I could do was send a message to Go Yohan with an excuse.

“I’ll leave early because of the hospital. Tell your mom to prepare me some food.”
Ugh, acting like we’re close. How annoying. Now I understand why the kids hate me. I stuck out my tongue and pretended to gag. It’s disgusting.
Afterward, I ran while watching the scenery, and around 7 a.m., the reply came.

“How does it feel to eat breakfast in front of an unknown lady?”
Correct, I don’t care. I didn’t even check the message and just turned off my phone.
And surprisingly, I couldn’t hold it in and got off the bus at the main gate of Korea University. The next stop is Korea University’s main gate. As soon as I heard that short announcement, a chill ran down my spine, and I immediately jumped up from my seat. What the hell? Are you mocking me? I was so angry that I couldn’t stop myself and just got off. Of course, I regretted it when I saw the empty street, but I really had no choice but to find a taxi.

"Sorry, suddenly. Could you tell the homeroom teacher that I'll be late?"
I sent a message to Shin Jaehyun a little late. Like Go Yohan said, I tried to manage my connections, my social life. It was a selfish friendship, but I had to do something like that.
"Just like I thought, no reply."

I didn’t expect one anyway. Once I realized that Shin Jaehyun was someone who cares too much about how others perceive him, I actually felt more at ease. After all, he's just a high school student. Even the ones who seem special, when you dig deeper, are all the same. This thought brought me some comfort.
"Guess he doesn't want to get too close to someone like me. Oh well."
After taking a taxi back near school, I spent just enough time in the cafe to avoid suspicion. Everything seemed to repeat in the exact same way. Exactly like that day. The flat roof covering the school entrance, the windows nearby. The roof you can easily reach by jumping across. I even ran into Kim Minho, climbing up the bumpy brown bricks.

"Hey? What the hell!"
As soon as Kim Minho saw me, he started swearing. At this point, it was almost a habit.
"Goddamn Kang Jun. Did you skip again? Wow, this bastard’s such a punk."

"I didn’t skip, I went to the hospital."
"Don't lie, you son of a bitch. How the hell do you go into a hospital like it’s a PC bang? Freakin' crazy."
His thick palm threatened me. But I didn’t flinch. Kim Minho had done this kind of prank with others around us a lot. Honestly, I was a little more taken aback. These pranks were what Kim Minho reserved for people he considered close.

In other words, I was confused by his sudden approach.
Why is he acting friendly with me now?
"You still have the early leave slip from the homeroom teacher, right? You used that to go mess around, didn’t you? Ah, shit. I should report you. People like you, who are obsessed with studying, suddenly go crazy, you know. Adults blindly believe everything you type, so they don’t doubt it. But focus, ugh, damn it! My throat’s all clogged."

Ugh. I frowned at the yellow liquid pooled on the ground. It was disgusting. I stared at Kim Minho’s face, feeling the same nausea as I did seeing the mess. Yeah, it was disgusting.
"Anyway, now that the grades don’t count anymore, I might as well tell them."
"Ha! So it’s over, huh? Wait a second, are the second-semester grades not counted?"

"Yeah, that’s how our school is."
"Really? Fuck! Just when I was starting to get into studying."
I bet he’d do well. Even if the person who used to help him out changed, what would it matter?

"Just keep working hard. If you do well on the CSAT, that’s all that matters."
"Yeeah, work haaard. Dooo well on the CSAT..."
"...I’ll go up before the bell rings."

It was disgusting how he exaggerated my way of speaking. I can’t believe I fought with Go Yohan over sitting next to him. I can’t help but click my tongue at my pathetic past. I didn’t even want to look at him, so I turned my body. I was about to step up the stairs.
"Hey, wait, hold up. Come here."
If I ignore him now, I’d get chewed up from behind. Knowing that, I couldn’t just brush him off.

This damn hierarchical school life. I turned my eyes, keeping my body turned. Kim Minho, standing there with his legs crossed, shaking his wrist and tapping his foot on the floor, then suddenly reached out as if he had made up his mind. He grabbed my school uniform tightly and pulled me toward him. Then, even though he knew no one was around, he whispered in a hushed voice.
"Those assholes were talking shit about me, right?"
"Who are you talking about?"

"Who the hell else, huh? The ones who, when you hear them, it’s so obvious they’re the ones. The ones who don’t even think before they talk."
Kim Minho’s grip tightened on my uniform. When the fabric I had gotten tangled in his hand started to irritate me, he asked again.
"Those assholes were talking shit about me, right? You heard them, didn’t you?"

"Shit talking...?"
Suddenly, I was given a choice I didn’t want. How should I answer here? If I curse those three here, Kim Minho might go to them and say that Kang Jun talks too much. But if I don’t agree, Kim Minho was asking so blatantly. It felt like the answer was already decided.
I thought carefully. I had to choose the best response. The answer that seemed the best among what I thought of was this.

"I’m not sure, but I overheard it. It didn’t seem like they said anything too bad."
Passing the responsibility off to someone else. I didn’t even know who it was.
"You didn’t hear it yourself?"

"Yeah."
"So what did you hear? Tell me more."
"Well... I don’t know exactly, but it just seemed like they were talking in a way that didn’t sit right."

"Who the hell said that? Where did they say that shit?"
"I just overheard it near the snack bar, so I don’t know exactly who it was."
"You bastard, what the hell do you know? You don’t know anything, huh? Don’t you know anything? What the hell, you haven’t heard anything?"

"I need to have somewhere to hear it from, damn it."
I was getting annoyed. Him constantly poking around like this was so annoying. If I let this continue, it seemed like he’d stick around and ask more. I pulled out a long-awaited weapon I didn’t want to use.
"I didn’t hear anything from anyone. No one even talked to me back then, you bastard."

This was my roundabout way of saying it. If you made me like this, at least don’t expect me to get something from it. You shameless bastard. The reason I picked such harsh words on purpose was because they were meant to sound tough but ultimately admitted I was the one excluded.
As I expected, Kim Minho seemed surprised that I’d lower myself like this, muttering in a small voice, "Uh, ah, uh, ugh," and then said something even more ridiculous.
"Ah, hey! Fuck, I’ve got something to say too! You’re making me look so damn awkward. I knew what you did wrong back then. Ah, you damn idiot. Why did you fight with Go Yohan? You could’ve just not fought, right? You used to talk like you had some thousand-year-old friendship."

This pathetic interrogation had something in it. If he had just said that, it would’ve been fine. But strangely, my mouth didn’t move the way I wanted it to. Underneath it all, my mind was filled with anger from the inequality.
"Do you think you wouldn’t look like an idiot?"
"Oh, Kang Jun, you’re pissed now?"

"Pissed...! Ugh, whatever, just... there was some shit like that."
"Yeah, Go Yohan’s a real pain in the ass."