Eighteen’s Bed

"I’ll keep it a secret about Go Yohan. There’s no point in letting ridiculous lies spread."
"…Alright, but if this story somehow gets out—"
Shin Jaehyun, who had been looking at me with a slightly pitying expression, suddenly added a playful tone at the end. Just like a friend. Shin Jaehyun had a strange way of being that somehow made people feel comfortable. The words he was about to say, which should’ve been a warning, sounded as ordinary as any casual conversation to me.

"They’ll consider you the culprit. I’m the only one who talked to you about Go Yohan."
"So, does that mean you’ll never tell anyone else about this, except me?"
"Well, I guess that’s what it comes down to."

Shin Jaehyun nodded while laughing awkwardly.
"Yeah, I don’t think I will. Probably."
"Probably? I’m going to make sure you understand this. If you tell anyone else, then suspect them first. I’m definitely not going to be the one to spill."

"You’re confident, huh?"
"I’ve got a tight mouth. I overhear a lot, so I know how to keep it in. People can say whatever they want, but no one’s going to call me loose-lipped."
"Bats? That was a bit much."

Shin Jaehyun furrowed his brow. Yet, he was still looking at me with a hint of sympathy in his eyes. Well, that didn’t bother me. I had long accepted the truth.
"It’s true."
I admitted it without hesitation. It had been something I’d long known, creeping in slowly. Now that I admitted it, I wasn’t holding back. Honestly, if I weren’t a bat, what would I be? But Shin Jaehyun looked at me with a slightly surprised expression.

"You’re a lot more straightforward than I thought."
"Is that so? It’s more efficient than denying it and getting angry."
"Now that I think about it, you’ve really changed. Something about you…"

His eyes gleamed with curiosity as he lightly scanned me. The way he looked made me uncomfortable, and I shuffled awkwardly as Shin Jaehyun’s white teeth flashed in a smile.
"Yeah, you’ve changed a little."
"I’m not sure."
"Well, you wouldn’t know, since you’re the one involved. People usually don’t know what’s being said behind their backs."

"Then, did you hear any stories where I was at the center of it?"
"…Well, I guess that’s how it could be understood."
"So, people are talking about me behind my back too?"

"Ugh…"
Shin Jaehyun pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger and grimaced. After a dramatic pause, he shook his head and continued.
"Every time I talk to you, I make mistakes."

"You talk too much."
"Yeah, that’s true."
"So you did hear people gossiping about me?"

"Well, if that’s how you want to put it, I guess so."
"…What does that mean?"
My curiosity spiked again. I sent him an expectant look, wanting an answer. I was curious about how people saw me, but at the same time, I thought it might be better not to know. If I didn’t know, I wouldn’t get hurt.

What resolved my internal conflict was Shin Jaehyun’s cautious attitude—more careful than when he had been bragging about Go Yohan.
Maybe he felt ashamed of the way he had spoken, or maybe he just didn’t want to make the same mistake again in front of me, or maybe he just didn’t want me to get hurt. I honestly couldn’t tell.
"I won’t say anything in front of you, even if I know."

"Is it really that bad?"
"It’s just average. Don’t try to know. Ignorance is bliss. Even if it was a good thing, I’m not going to tell you."
"Don’t be ridiculous. It can’t be anything good."

"Why not? How do you know? You can’t know what goes on in people’s lives."
Then, the fact that you won’t tell me till the end is also impressive. It was clear that no matter how many times I asked, he would just keep deflecting in that way. In the end, I decided to stop pushing. Asking repeatedly would only get me nowhere. I had to be cautious. Since Shin Jaehyun was the only one I could rely on, I had to be careful.
"Alright, I won’t ask. Go."

"Good decision. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, you too. Oh, and..."
"Huh?"

"Thanks for today. I know it’s awkward to say this, but I really appreciate it..."
"…"
"Sorry. Now really, go."

Shin Jaehyun, who adjusted his bag and straightened it properly, flashed a bright smile. The door to the art room opened and closed. Left alone in the art room, I listened to the faint sound of footsteps in the hallway until they faded into the distance. When the sound was gone, I hardened my expression and sank directly to the floor. My anxious fingers dug into my hair.
It was the moment my repressed anger exploded.
"Go Yohan… you fool!"

A headache surged painfully through my skull.
For now, I struggled with the pain. As usual, I vented my frustration. If I didn’t scream alone, I would be consumed by the fear I couldn’t control. So I shouted in the empty classroom.
 

****
The secret curtain that had once covered my eyelids was finally lifted. Throughout my escape from the school, the quiet playground seemed to cling to my ankles. The school I looked back at from the front gate appeared especially dark that day. Was it just my mood, or was it the ominous bird calls I heard when the sun began to set, urging my steps forward?
I ran, desperately, and only stopped once the school was out of sight. Bending over, I grabbed my knees and exhaled heavily.

Huff...
As I gasped for air, the strange atmosphere from earlier rushed through my mind like a flash. The looks that intertwined whenever Go Yohan tormented me, the strange vibe I felt in the cafeteria. The awkward, forced closeness between Go Yohan and his group. Could it be that...?
"I’m not. I’m definitely not."

I stood up and glanced around. It was still a familiar street. But my shell had broken. What I saw after breaking through the surface was the truth. Shin Jaehyun himself was proof. The seed had already been planted, and without even realizing it, the bud was already beginning to bloom. Perhaps.
"It can’t be, right?"
If I continue getting entangled with Go Yohan, what will become of me?

I clamped my mouth shut. I felt like I might vomit. Fear was approaching, like an open-mouthed whale. I was a pitiful mammal buried deep in the ocean. I was suffocating. My arrogant thoughts flashed through my mind.
I should have known. It wasn't the shark that gnawed on a body at the bottom of the sea, but the small fish.
"Damn."

This was all because of Go Yohan. It’s all that damn Go Yohan’s fault! I’ve lived quietly. I’ve lived perfectly! Korean University? First in the school? My shining future? What good is any of that if my secret is discovered? My one small flaw is about to consume my entire life! That son of a bitch. That fucking bastard! No, no. Get a grip. This isn’t the time for this.
"I can’t. I can’t do this."
Without thinking, I kicked the ground. I tried to cool my head by making the blood rush to my legs. The heavier my legs became, the lighter my head felt. Damn, damn! In the moment I was kicking the ground, a small garden of hope flickered in my mind.

"Right. No, no way everything I’ve built will collapse so easily."
That’s right. After all, didn’t Shin Jaehyun also not notice? That I like Go Yohan. He even pitied me.
My lie was perfect. But there’s one thing that bothers me—Shin Jaehyun’s connection with Go Yohan’s group. Do they share any mutual connections? Or not? If they do, that’s good for me. But if not, it’s like hugging a ticking time bomb.

What do Lee Seokhyun, Kim Seokmin, Kim Minho, and Park Dongcheol think about me and Go Yohan?
"Think the worst. The worst..."
The worst idea came to me quickly. It’s simple; all I need to do is think of the most horrifying reality. The worst is if they already assume that Go Yohan and I have some messed-up relationship. Or worse, if they think I’ve fallen into the same situation as Han Taesan.

"...What if they already think that?"
Then it makes sense why they’d have reservations.
"No, yeah, I’m right. I’m sure of it. Those bastards. Those fucking bastards. Calling me 'deposed Lady Kang' and all that... Damn, yeah. The only ones who saw Go Yohan and my situation up close are those bastards. That’s why they used that word. Go Yohan himself said he tried a half-assed test. I’m sure. They must’ve thought it was weird too. Just like they badmouthed Kim Minho, they must’ve talked shit about me. Bastards. Shin Jaehyun heard it too. All the rumors spread."

A vivid image of what was happening in some corner of the school unfolded in my mind. Four of them gathered, and their voices grew clearer.
“Aren’t those bastards just... I mean, why the hell is Kang Jun always being taken care of? Hey, did you hear? That faggot! Didn’t you see him? He was just like this too! Fuck, there are so many gays in school, it’s ridiculous!”
"Yeah, I’m sure. These assholes, always talking shit about the people who aren’t there. They talk shit among themselves without even realizing it. Fucking idiots."

But I also badmouthed them when they weren’t around.
The blurry fantasy became more plausible. Kim Minho laughed so hard his stomach seemed to hurt, Lee Seokhyun was chuckling too, and Park Dongcheol looked flustered at first, then laughed the loudest. It seemed like he was forcing it a little. But in the end, Park Dongcheol was probably the one enjoying it the most. I finished the image in my head and bit my thumbnail.
But how will I stop it? The moment they spread the rumors, it’s only a matter of time before I get caught. The answer hasn’t come yet, but my steps quickened. I ran toward the gate again. Slamming the door shut, I collapsed into the garden, gasping for breath.

"Fucking idiots, assholes, bastards… damn..."
12th place, gay, Shin Jaehyun, Lee Seokhyun, Kim Minho, Kim Seokmin, Park Dongcheol, Oh Yeonjun, Park Haon, Lim Yungi, Hong Huijun... they’re all fucked. They’re all shit. I clenched the grass on the ground, pulling it out like a madman, then stopped myself with all my might. The curses that crawled up my throat were swallowed.
My life has never gone the way I wanted.

I kicked myself up and headed inside the house. I gave a half-hearted response to the housekeeper’s greeting and collapsed onto my bed.
But then, the positive thoughts began to surface. There had to be a reason.
"No, if those rumors really spread, Shin Jaehyun wouldn’t have pitied me."

Then, perhaps the story about me didn’t spread at all. Maybe I was just left as the poor victim? Then why? Why me? Why did I become the pathetic victim swept up by Go Yohan? Why, suddenly?
"Why, why only me?"
But no matter how much I racked my brain, I couldn’t figure it out. It was beyond my control.

"Let’s sleep first. Think after I rest. I can’t do anything with this overloaded mind." I closed my eyes, and suddenly, a soft vibration on my thigh caught my attention. It was the phone. More than once. Could it be? Why would anyone call me at this hour? Usually, my parents only contact me later in the evening. It's still the afternoon. So, filled with suspicion, I pulled out my phone.
On the screen, it was Go Yohan.
"Damn...!"

As soon as I saw the name, a headache seemed to start again. I checked the time and ignored the call. It wasn’t avoidance. After all, I was supposed to be in class at the academy right now. Of course, Go Yohan didn’t know about my academy break time, but this was a rule close to paranoia.
But Go Yohan didn’t stop, calling again and again. One call, two calls, three calls—when I saw the third call, I instinctively knew something was wrong. Why suddenly three calls in a row? My anxiety bloomed. Still, I didn’t pick up Go Yohan’s call. A true liar never gives up on lying until the very end.
"What’s with all these calls?"

And just as suddenly as it started, the phone cut off, making my anxiety grow even more.
Why didn’t he call back? Maybe nothing happened after all? Or was it some sort of psychological game on Go Yohan’s part? Trying to scare me? I anxiously checked the time. The ticking seconds on the clock felt maddening. The seconds felt like they were crawling slower than usual. This was the moment.
"Shit, why suddenly call..."

I used swearing to deflect my anxiety. Pretending to be unaffected, speaking harshly, was my way of showing courage. In moments like these, I realize that I’m no different from any other high school guy.
Tick, tick. The minute hand reached the break time. But I didn’t call back immediately. Every action needs to be consistent, even when lying.
The break ended, and there was no call. Three missed calls on the screen made me even more nervous. Why exactly three? Why back-to-back? Were they looking for me, or was it nothing? I felt like I was going crazy. What was going to happen, I didn’t know, but I moved my thumb. And then I put the phone to my ear.

The connection was short.
"Hello."
Jun, why aren’t you picking up?
 

"...Sorry, I was in class and couldn’t take it. I saw the missed calls."
Even though we were talking on the phone, my face showed genuine concern. My mouth opened involuntarily, and a sigh of lament escaped.
Liar, you didn’t go to the academy, did you?
 

Shit, how the hell did he know? A cold chill ran from my toes up to my skin.
"No, I didn’t."
But I cleverly denied it. There was no benefit in telling the truth now. It was better to stay consistent. I thought that was the best way.

Ah, no?
“Uh, no. I’m at the academy. Why would I skip class?”
I see. You’re not the type to skip. But it’s pretty quiet around you.
“Of course it is. I’m on the emergency stairs making a call. Do you think I’d be calling in the middle of the academy?”
What’s wrong with that? We live in a country where freedom was born.
“Not just anyone gets to enjoy freedom. Other people also have the right to study in a quiet space.”

You just can’t give up a word, can you?
I heard a dry laugh through the receiver. That bastard.
If Go Yohan had seen my face, he probably wouldn’t have laughed like that. The Kang Jun who doesn’t give up even a single word was now pale as a ghost. Why did Go Yohan say that I wasn’t at the academy? Does he know something? Tension crept into me, and I waited for the right moment to ask. My lips moved awkwardly, and just as the conversation paused, I spoke up, cutting through the silence.
“By the way, why did you call?”

Actually, I didn’t know it was your class time. I thought it was your break.
“So why did you say I wasn’t at the academy?”
Just because.
“...”
If I caught you, I was going to kill you half-heartedly.
That crazy bastard. He always jokes like that.

“What about you?”
Me? What?
“Where are you?”
Where? I’m at home.
“Liar.”

Oh, are you copying me again?
“I’m not copying. There’s no way you’re at home. You hate being at home.”
Oh, sharp. Actually, I’m outside. Um... Fall is coming, so I thought I should eat some cold noodles. Don’t they stop selling them in the fall? How stupid. Cold noodles are best in cold weather. Right, are you going to make up for summer vacation work?
The sudden question caught me off guard. He’d been babbling, and then, out of nowhere, came the question. That question, sticking out oddly in the conversation, made me uneasy. It felt like the real purpose of the call had been buried at the end. I hesitated for a moment before giving a straightforward answer.
“I’m not doing it. I have to prepare for the college entrance exam.”

Ah, right. I need to do that too. College entrance exam.
“Ugh, I don’t even want to see their faces.”
Yeah, me too. I hate the ones following me around, the boring, nerdy assholes.
“You like those nerds though.”
They’ve got standards. Standards.
“Right, I guess the person you're hanging out with now has similar standards?”

Who? Kim Seokmin? Lee Seokhyun?
“No, you're outside right now. You must be hanging out with someone. Who?”
I was just making an assumption, just like Go Yohan had. But Go Yohan’s response was a little different from mine.
Wow.
A small exclamation echoed through the receiver. The voice was so full of pride that I was startled.

“...Why?”
Why are you suddenly so interested in me?
“...What?”
Why are you so curious all of a sudden? No, I’m alone! I’m alone, so I called you because I was bored. I’ll tell you everything. Do you have any questions?
Well, what could I ask? I was about to refuse, but then a strange voice mixed with Go Yohan’s through the receiver.

Liar! Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Are you in a relationship?
And before I could even offer an excuse, I froze.
“Wait, who’s with you right now?”
Huh? No one?
“No one? I definitely heard something just now.”

Oh, it’s just the street. Someone probably passed by and said something. It’s really noisy around here.
There were no other sounds, though. No cars passing by, no crowd noise, not even loud advertisements from the street.
Liar. The three syllables echoed in my mind. But the words I could speak weren’t accusations; they were avoidance.
“...It’s time. I should go back in.”

Already? Can’t we talk a little more?
“No, I’ve got to go. My grades…”
Oh, right. I called to tell you that. Congratulations. It came out well, didn’t it? You looked happy about it.
“...”
My body grew cold. My head started to accept the pain. So much shit had gone down that I had momentarily forgotten about the aftermath. The reality was that I was only ranked 12th in the school. I shouldn’t forget that. Korean University’s business department might be out of my reach.

“No, it’s over.”
Because of you.
“Completely over.”

What? No way, it wasn’t that bad...
“The class has started. Hang up.”
I didn’t want to hear any more about my grades or how well I did. After all, Go Yohan was the cause of my misery. Bad feelings only bring more bad feelings. No matter how hard I tried not to fall into the pit, he always pulled me back down.
Damn, not wanting to be trapped in misery anymore, I hung up the phone in frustration. I stared at the blank screen for a moment, then turned it back on and switched it to silent mode.

I threw the quiet phone into the corner of my bed and collapsed. One of the few things I could be thankful for was that I was future-oriented. I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to calm down. Right, there was nothing I could do about the results now. What’s done is done. I just had to deal with it. Maybe I should go for a consultation about the college entrance exam. Even though the feeling of resentment from losing my goal was eating at me from deep inside, I held it back.
At least I’m a year older now. That’s something, at least.
 

****
I briefly fell asleep. When I suddenly opened my eyes, a torrential downpour was already battering the windows. The sky was so dark, it made the extended daylight seem insignificant. The heavy clouds covered the refreshing summer, and the air conditioning had made my body cold.
"Ah-choo."

I sneezed.
I should've covered myself with the blanket. Regretting my foolishness, I headed toward the dressing room. I grabbed a thin cardigan and put it on, then entered the connected room to check my phone. There were missed calls, presumably from the academy.
After that, Go Yohan had called once every hour, but it wasn’t enough to draw much attention. The sound of rain hitting the window echoed through the room. Tap, tap. The sound grew louder, turning into a rhythmic thud against the window.

"J-Jun... student."
The knocking sound mixed with the rain, and the quiet voice of the housekeeper slipped through the door into the room. I moved and opened the door. She must have been about to knock again, her hand coming dangerously close to my chest.
Both the housekeeper and I startled and quickly stepped back.

"Ah, sorry. I surprised you."
"It’s fine. What’s going on?"
"Well, your friend is here. I thought I should let you know."

"My friend?"
"At first, I wasn’t going to let them in without permission."
Her gaze shifted to the window across the hallway. The dark sky lit up for a moment. A loud rumble followed. After a brief silence, she spoke again without changing her expression.

"They said it’s supposed to rain heavily until dawn."
"Ah."
"So, I didn’t let them in, but I told them to wait at the front door."

"...Who is it?"
I had already expected the answer, but I asked anyway.
"Someone who used to visit often."

"...."
In the midst of it all, I realized how cold this person was. She knew full well it was my friend, but still didn’t let them in. The thought of Go Yohan, drenched and standing alone in the rain, finally crossed my mind.
"Should I just tell them to go back?"

"...No."
But I knew all too well that I was too weak and lacking to send Go Yohan away.
"I’ll go."

"Okay. And dinner...?"
"You don’t need to make dinner. Just rest."
"Okay."

There was no question about why I wasn’t eating. It was a simple conversation, almost mechanically brief. I left the room, descended the stairs, and, given the layout of our house, the front door was directly visible from the stairs. Meeting Go Yohan was unavoidable.
He was already waving his hand from outside the transparent glass, soaked like a drenched mouse. He held a plastic bag with an unknown object inside.
"Damn..."

I muttered softly, but outwardly I forced a bright smile, even though my hand gripping the doorknob felt like it was going to burst with tension.
"Hey."
Go Yohan, still waving his hand, greeted me with a surprisingly cheerful tone. I felt my face twitch involuntarily as I desperately forced a smile.

"What’s going on here?"
"Here."
The black plastic bag brushed against my nose. The sudden coldness startled me, and I stepped back instinctively.

"What’s this?"
"What does it look like? Ice cream."
"Why ice cream all of a sudden?"

"It’s a bribe and a gift."
Go Yohan pouted, making an odd little sound with his tongue.
"I need to talk to you about something."

"...You? To me?"
"Yeah. Me. Why, can’t I talk to you?"
His narrow face tilted slightly to the side. Go Yohan’s hair had grown longer. His moist, cold palm gently tapped my cheek, and the lukewarm water on his skin made contact with my face. That moment, Shin Jaehyun’s warning flashed in my mind.

'Be careful, Kang Jun.'
"Jun, your face is stiff."
"..."

"They say smiling brings luck. Smile, and take this."
Go Yohan forcibly slipped the plastic bag strap over my wrist. My limp hand dropped as soon as he let go. The droplets of water on the bag brushed against my legs. Go Yohan, who had been watching silently, gave a small nod.
"Aren’t you going to give me a towel?"

"What?"
"Should I just take my clothes off here?"
His delicate face smiled wickedly. His long fingers grabbed the hem of his school uniform, pulling it apart. Underneath, his completely soaked white shirt clung to his body, subtly turning an apricot hue. I stared at the boundary between white and apricot, then quickly turned my head away.

"Wait a moment. I’ll get it."
"It’s fine. If you don’t want to, I’ll just take it off and go inside. If you want."
"No, I don’t want that at all. I’ll get it."

I emphasized each syllable strongly. Go Yohan smiled, spreading his wet clothes, then folding them up in vain. Water splashed onto the floor. I turned away, not even bothering to look anymore. Before heading to the first-floor bathroom, I paused in the hallway and leaned against the wall. Go Yohan was out of sight. I looked at the sensor light that quickly turned on and opened the black plastic bag I was holding.
It was green tea ice cream.