Delusive Fate

#026

Two voices alternating. The calmly continuing conversation gave a comfortable feeling. I briefly wondered why this conversation, unrelated to me, made me feel like I was at home. It’s a pointless thought. Of course, it’s because… at least one of them is a voice I love so much.

I consciously erased the continuing thoughts and fumbled with my hands. The wheelchair’s handles felt cold to the touch. My palms, which had been tightly clenched, were burning hot and damp with accumulated sweat. As the cold steel touched my humid, burning hands, I felt like I was coming to my senses.

Let’s go. Let’s just leave. Go. Return to your room, Lee Han-sol.

I thought repeatedly. That I shouldn’t be here. That there’s no reason to be here, and nothing good will come from being here. Why are you here? Go, I’m telling you…!

My leg seemed to throb. The leg in a thick cast, wrapped in bandages, with metal pins in it. From there, a sticky ache crept up my body. The sensation reached my heart. It felt like something was tightly squeezing my heart.

You’re seeing strange things because your body is in such bad shape. Geez, anyway, Lee Han-sol, you don’t have the right to worry about Ki Baek-woo. How can you worry about someone else when you don’t even know your own condition? If he knew you rushed all the way to District A in this state, Baek-woo would laugh incredulously. He’d shake his head and tell you to think about yourself first. So let’s quickly go back and lie down. Wait patiently.

Now that you’re at the central center, Baek-woo should be able to come soon. When he comes, I should say, “I was in so much pain that I even hallucinated, isn’t that funny?”

I was certain that everything I had seen and heard was just a hallucination. I was convinced. Because I had dragged my not-yet-recovered body onto a cramped public bus and traveled for a long time from District B to District A. I ignored everyone who tried to stop me, saying it was too much, so I must be tired. That’s why I saw this mistaken scene, I thought unconditionally. I needed to return to my new hospital room that I had been assigned after completing the transfer procedures. I needed to go and rest.

I need to rest and come to my senses. I’m not in my right mind now. If I were normal, there’s no way I would see such a strange scene. If I were normal, there’s no way I would hear that voice, so familiar it makes this place feel like home. So hurry back….

Hurry back. Please.

The hands gripping the wheelchair wheels wouldn’t move. It felt like every nerve connecting my brain to my body had been severed. I just stayed there stupidly, like a toy with its batteries removed. I heard voices flowing out like spilled water.

“It’s not difficult.”

“That’s a lie. The auxiliary bed is too small for you to lie down, Hunter. The sofa too, it can’t be comfortable.”

“Do you think it’s difficult to guard your bedside?”

“Ah, Hunter, really… You don’t seem like the type, but you’re surprisingly good at saying such embarrassing things.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Huh? What are you suddenly sorry for?”

“I should have been more alert at the gate. I should have watched carefully so you wouldn’t be surprised, but I lacked the ability. I didn’t want to upset you or create a situation that would startle you… I didn’t want you to directly face such a disgusting monster if I could help it.”

It was too tender a conversation. Although the pronunciation was formal as if maintaining an invisible line, the emotions felt close as if all lines had already been crossed. Anyone hearing this conversation would think:

These two talking must be lovers. Their newly budding feelings are boiling over uncontrollably. You can tell just by hearing their voices.

I thought so too. I didn’t want to think it.

“What do you mean, Hunter… Why are you apologizing for that?”

“I should have dealt with it before you saw something harsh. That would have been right. But I couldn’t do that.”

“Hey, Hunter. What are you saying? I’m not an idiot or a greenhouse flower or anything like that. I’m a hunter too. That’s why we go on raids together…”

I don’t want to hear this. No, it’s something I shouldn’t be hearing at all. Cover your ears. Go back right now. But where to? Home? Or back to District B? I don’t know. Don’t think about anything. Anyway, you need to leave. It’s not safe here. But what’s threatening you? I don’t know. Just don’t think. It’s strange. I suddenly feel like I’m going to throw up.

It felt like someone was sticking a spoon directly into my brain and stirring it. I was dizzy to the point of pain.

Stop it. Stop and move right now!

The wheelchair is too slow. Get up. Stand up and run on your two legs. What does it matter if your leg is broken? Would you say such things even if doom was right in front of you?

You can run. Like when you ran from the doom that was said to be God’s judgment when you were young, let’s run from this judgment too. We’ll think about what to do next as we run. We’ve done this before, so doing it twice is nothing. Like the first time, I can find a way.

You can do it. You can.

‘No, you can’t.’

My thoughts were divided. One wanted to run away, and one was slowly sinking down, down into the ground with a huge weight attached to the body. So I couldn’t do anything and could only stand still in front of someone else’s hospital room like this.

Instead of moving the wheelchair, I took out my phone from my patient gown pocket. I dialed the familiar number, the only one I had memorized. When I put it to my ear, I heard the dialing tone.

A familiar ringtone sounded from inside the room I had been peeking into like a voyeur.

“We go into gates together too, ah, Hunter, please answer your phone.”

“It’s nothing. Keep talking.”

“It’s okay to answer the phone. It’s not an important conversation.”

“It’s probably much more important than this. Don’t worry about it.”

With such a conversation, the ringtone inside stopped. The dial tone in my ear also stopped abruptly.

– The customer cannot answer the phone. Please try again later.

A mechanical voice announced that the call had been blocked. I called again. The ringtone sounded inside. And it stopped again, and the dial tone in my ear was cut off too. The customer cannot answer the phone. Please try again later. I called again. The ringtone sounded inside, stopped, the customer cannot ans-, I called again.

– The customer’s phone is turned off. After the beep, you will be connected to voicemail. After connection, call charges will…

What sin have I committed?

I thought desperately that if I had done something wrong, I wish someone would tell me. If I could atone, I would endure anything.

“Oh, Hunter… Just answer the phone. Isn’t it an urgent call? How can you turn off your phone when it keeps coming like that? That’s too cold… This makes me uncomfortable too. If it says ‘hyung’, isn’t that the person you mentioned? The one who’s injured and at another center…”

“I told you it’s nothing. What’s important to me right now is Jung Yi-dam’s condition. Being so weak and making me worry like this…”

“Weak… Listen, Hunter. I’m a hunter who goes into gates too, you know? If you keep doing this, I’m going to get angry, understand? Don’t treat me like a child, please treat me as an equal colleague, Hunter Ki Baek-woo.”

I truly, desperately wished that Ki Baek-woo would tell me what great sin I had committed to deserve this… Ki Baek-woo, who was looking at Jung Yi-dam with such tender affection, just the two of them in that hospital room…

Where did it go wrong? Was it wrong to hear the commotion outside while resting in my assigned room after the transfer procedures?

“Really? Why is Hunter Ki there?”

“I don’t know. But it’s quite a scene. Actually, his external injury is just a scraped palm? But he’s been hospitalized for days now because of Ki Baek-woo Hunter. Ki Hunter is still sticking to the VIP room. Isn’t that crazy?”

“Wow, insane… He’s practically set up house in the hospital room. Hey, everything they’re saying in the community might be true? I thought it was just delusional fans making things up.”

“I know, right? I think there really is something unusual between them.”

Was it wrong to think it was good that Ki Baek-woo was here after eavesdropping on others’ conversations so gloomily? Was it wrong to drag my heavy body here like an idiot, chasing after Ki Baek-woo?

I don’t know.

I shouldn’t have come.

I shouldn’t have come here, no, to District A at all. I should have stayed put… Regret washed over me.

I was just worried about Ki Baek-woo. I became anxious thinking he might be seriously injured or facing complicated problems. If that was really the case, I wanted to help. I didn’t want Ki Baek-woo to endure an unstable situation alone. If Ki Baek-woo needed it, I could really cut off my leg for him.

So I ended up coming all the way here with this pathetic body. Everyone tried to stop me, saying I should focus on recovering my leg, but the shattered leg that I could even cut off for him was nothing. I brushed off the kind people and insisted on coming here, to our nest. To share the burden of whatever problem was troubling Ki Baek-woo so much that he couldn’t come to see me.

But…

‘But if this is Ki Baek-woo’s problem, what am I supposed to do?’

The terrible delusion that had once shaken me played again. Ki Baek-woo with the same injury in the same place as me. The angel-like healer, Jung Yi-dam, cupping the tired face of Ki Baek-woo. Holy light pouring out, the injury healing as if washed away, and Ki Baek-woo beginning to worship Jung Yi-dam.

I’ve decided to love you. You’re the only one in this world worthy of my love. Everything else is garbage, a meaningless past. Like Lee Han-sol, for example.

I love you, Jung Yi-dam. Not someone like Lee Han-sol, but you, Jung Yi-dam.

“Huk… huk.”

Unable to breathe, I clutched at my chest. My patient gown was damp. I brought my pathetically trembling hand to my neck, my face. I was soaked as if I had fallen into water. Only then did I realize I was crying.

What on earth has happened?

Feeling like my heart had fallen to the floor, I slowly looked around. Is this hell on earth? Or is it a newly appeared pit of doom… My whole body turned cold.

It was a deep despair, as if I could never escape alive…