Delusive Fate

#025

“But I want to be more than just your possession, I want to be something beyond that. I want to be someone you can’t throw away no matter what you do. If you just possess me… you could still throw me away. Hyung, I’m not satisfied with this. I want to go deeper. What should I do for that?”

“Goodness… Well, what should you do for that?”

“Hold me. Really tightly.”

Ki Baek-woo whined as he crumpled his body into my arms. How can he fit so well in my embrace when he’s much bigger than me? With this idle curiosity, I stroked Ki Baek-woo’s rounded back. A broad, firm back, warm with body heat. A strange back that somehow feels pitiful and affectionate when I pat it, even though it’s healthier than anyone else’s.

“Are you a baby? Such a big guy always asking to be held…”

As I tightly hugged his large body with my arms crossed, Ki Baek-woo nuzzled his forehead against my chest.

“I wish we could just stay stuck together like this forever, hyung…”

“Oh my… Hey, Ki Baek-woo. Do you just want to eat me up?”

“What?”

“I’ll cut off one of my legs for you. Make some soup with it and eat it.”

“What nonsense is that? Please stop saying such grotesque things. Do you know you sometimes say really weird stuff?”

“It’s less grotesque than a silkworm cocoon.”

“Oh, really…!”

“Why? But think about it. If you eat that, I’ll be completely absorbed into your blood and flesh. Your hyung is willing to give up one leg to grant our Baek-woo’s wish. How about that, isn’t it really cool?”

After saying something so cool, manly, and full of love, Ki Baek-woo buried his forehead in my arms again as if he didn’t want to hear it. A prim reply full of disapproval came back.

“It’s not cool. And that’s not enough.”

“Wow, such greed… I’m in the mood. Just eat me all up then. Make soup, grill me, stir-fry me. Eat a lot, Ki Baek-woo!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Before I really eat you up.”

“Oh my. Hey, eat me, eat me. Chew me up thoroughly from toes to head and eat a lot, please.”

“Since you want it, I’ll do that for you. Starting from the toes.”

“Uh… Ah! Hey! My toes, that’s dirty…!”

Ki Baek-woo slid down and grabbed my calf, swallowing my defenseless toes into his hot mouth.

Ki Baek-woo, who slowly tickled between my toes with his slippery, lukewarm tongue. Ki Baek-woo, who licked my soles earnestly as if my feet were some kind of anti-anxiety medication, and greedily sucked on the top of my foot. As Ki Baek-woo’s soft and sensual lips rubbed my Achilles tendon and ankle, slowly moving upwards, I couldn’t bear the strange excitement.

At that time, when Ki Baek-woo, burning with desire, lost all patience just from sucking on my leg and pushed his hand into his own pants. Ki Baek-woo, frowning with his flushed eyes, said:

“I’m going to finish inside, so don’t pull out and keep it in. I’ll try to hold back with that.”

Of course, he doesn’t say anything to me now… but back then, he really said such things a lot.

It seems my thoughts have wandered a bit, but anyway, that was the kind of relationship Ki Baek-woo and I had.

We were closer to determinism than fatalism, closer to a formula than an inference. We didn’t exist as separate individuals. We didn’t exist as Lee Han-sol or Ki Baek-woo, we simply existed as us.

So it was okay.

Even as one day passed, two days passed, three days, four days, lying alone in the hospital room where familiar faces like Kim Jin-oh, Yun-a, and Hee-ju occasionally came and went.

I became a happy fox, endlessly waiting for Ki Baek-woo. Ruminating on our solid love. That way, I could joyfully endure the boring time.

And when a week had passed, I thought with a little worry:

“Could a gate have burst open? Ah, right. He must still be unable to come because he’s in the middle of a raid. It’s been a week now, so it should be over by now, right? So he’ll be here soon. No wonder he’s not answering his phone or replying to messages. I want to see him soon, Ki Baek-woo.”

I was really okay. Even as unanswered messages piled up, and missed calls without responses accumulated. After all, Ki Baek-woo would come soon. Because I was injured like this.

***

“Excuse me, doctor. Please send me to the central center. I think I need to go. I’ve left my home empty for too long, anyway, I need to go.”

“But you need to have your pins removed next week…”

“Please send me. I need to go now. Please send me.”

Please, quickly…

It had been exactly nine days. I wasn’t okay anymore. Even though I was injured like this… I had such a severe injury that required surgery… Yet Ki Baek-woo, who was nowhere to be seen, made me anxious.

When I called the central center and asked about the gate, they said that Ki Baek-woo had been dispatched to a suddenly appearing gate, but it had already ended four days ago with the core destroyed. The civilian affairs team employee added that there were injuries, but it was a successful raid.

From that moment, I couldn’t hide my restlessness.

What if Ki Baek-woo was that injured person?

What if that’s why he couldn’t come?

It felt like something had happened to Ki Baek-woo. If not, it didn’t make sense that I still hadn’t seen his face. If something really happened to Ki Baek-woo, oh, it’s terrible. No.

“Oh my, Hunter Lee Han-sol, are you okay? You’re shaking too much, what’s wrong…”

“Quickly. Please process my transfer to the central center, doctor. Please.”

Please, quickly… I need to see Baek-woo right now to feel at ease, please…

If Ki Baek-woo was really seriously injured, or if there was another serious problem preventing him from moving. I really couldn’t bear it.

Now, I was no longer okay.

***

There were people who called the Destruction God’s judgment.

When the Destruction first appeared, in some elementary school auditorium where we first ran and hid our bodies haphazardly. It was crowded with numerous people seeking shelter and smelled musty. Ki Baek-woo and I were crouched in the farthest corner as if crumpled. We clung to each other like ticks, soothing our anxiety.

The auditorium was in a tumult, almost dizzying. Humans fear the unknown. The Destruction was something unknown that had never existed on Earth before, and people were entering a strange state of excitement due to fear.

They easily became angry. The auditorium began to fill with curses and rumors. In the fierce atmosphere, I held my breath, and Baek-woo clung to me even more.

Just as we were getting tired and hungry, a pale-faced middle-aged man rushed to the center of the auditorium.

His deeply sunken eyes were dark and narrow, but the pupils inside sparkled with fanatical faith, making it possible to meet those eyes even from very far away. The man shouted at the top of his lungs:

“This is all because of capitalism! The berry chip! This happened because humans were blinded by money and pleasure, implanting the mark of the beast, the berry chip, in their brains and turning away from the Bible! It’s all written in the Bible! God is angry because you humans implanted berry chips in your heads and fell into Satanism! This is God’s judgment and the apocalypse! Split your brains open, remove the berry chips, and repent now, humans!”

As if the hoarse voice echoing throughout the auditorium was a fuse, people’s eyes truly rolled back.

“F*ck, kill that cult bastard!”

Someone screamed and lunged forward.

Thud thud thud argh thud thud crash ugh ugh aargh.

With their bloodshot eyes gleaming with an unknown energy, people grabbed and tore at each other’s hair, smashed cheekbones and jaws with their fists, and stomped on solar plexuses with both feet.

No one stopped them. Rather, like bees enduring severe cold, one by one they clung to that chaos and heated up. Those mixed in the heat went berserk and rampaged like monsters, while those outside the heat engaged in self-harm, slamming their foreheads against walls and floors or pulling out their hair. Then they burst into tears, calling out to God and Buddha.

“Hyung, I’m scared… I’m scared… And I’m hungry…”

Ki Baek-woo, curled up like a pill bug, burrowed deeply into my arms as if trying to cut open my stomach and bury himself there. I hugged the rounded Ki Baek-woo as best I could and watched the adults rubbing their hands in the air.

OurFatherwhoareinheavenhallowedbethynamedontmakeusAssyriansanddonotjudgeusJizobosatsudestroykarmamantraombaramanidhanisvaha

I thought for a moment.

Did we do something wrong?

Without knowing it, were people demons? Were Baek-woo and I actually demons too? Is that why we’re being punished? Yes, if you do something wrong, you get punished. I guess we all did something wrong. We must have committed some unknown terrible deed and are being judged. Losing my mother and trembling in fear with this hungry stomach must all be because I did something wrong.

Thinking about that old memory that had faded to sepia with time, I pondered for a moment. I was curious.

What sin have I committed this time?

What terrible mistake have I made to be punished like this again?

Hidden in the darkness like a sewer rat, I blinked quietly, just as I had blankly looked around in that chaotic auditorium when I was very young.

The surroundings were quiet.

The recovery room hallway of the A-district central center, especially where the single rooms were gathered, was very rarely visited. High-ranking hunters didn’t have such slow recovery that they needed to stay in places like this for long, and whether out of pride or stubbornness to appear strong, they were ashamed of receiving inpatient treatment.

I always thought they were foolish. I sneered that they were putting on unnecessary airs, saying it was to my advantage if you guys who get hurt all the time deliberately leave the hospital rooms empty, because then I could admit Baek-woo to the best room anytime if he got hurt.

But I never dreamed that the quietness of this place would come back to me with this result.

If this place had been as noisy as a marketplace, I might not have discovered this. I could have just made a wasted trip…

The only half-open hospital room door where human presence could be felt. Bright light and soft voices were gently leaking out from there.

“But shouldn’t we go in and check?”

“Why?”

“Someone said they were hurt… You said that before going to the gate, didn’t you?”

“You’re too kind… Why do you care about such things? The most important thing is you, so think about your own body instead of useless things like that.”

“No… I’m telling you I’m not that badly hurt… I just fell because I was startled, but they’ve kept me hospitalized for days like this… You’ve been here all this time too, Hunter-nim. Isn’t it hard for you?”