Delusive Fate

#027

I had never thought the world was cruel.

Even though it devoured my mother who was my everything in my childhood, didn’t let me know whether my father was alive or dead, and pushed me out onto the streets, I never really thought that way.

Surviving was a struggle. To avoid death, I had to endure. It felt like every minute and second of that time left a scar somewhere in my body. But I didn’t resent it. Everyone was dying in the same misfortune. Since the world wasn’t being harsh just to break me alone, there was no need to toss and turn at night over this equal hardship. If you couldn’t accept reality and held onto feelings of unfairness, it only led to greater suffering.

Until the Destruction appeared and the existence of awakened ones emerged once again, all living things were as insignificant as insects. It wasn’t just me who was lonely and worm-like.

Trapped in a space full of betrayal, plunder, and death, humans struggled in their own ways to survive. Among those who were struggling, I secretly thought:

How much more livable my life was compared to theirs. Unlike those scary people left with only stubbornness and malice, I had light. A small, shining lamp guides me so I don’t lose my way in the darkness and warms my cold body. I couldn’t even dare to measure how great a fortune this was.

Ki Baek-woo was by my side.

The existence of Ki Baek-woo… made me live. Not just survive, but truly live. It was all thanks to Ki Baek-woo that I could imagine the future and dream. I wanted to grow up healthy with Ki Baek-woo. So I imagined the time after now, and because only those who look forward to the future can have hope, I dreamed sweet dreams even in the desolate ruins. Therefore, Ki Baek-woo is the only blessing God has given to me alone.

Even while getting beaten after being caught robbing a shoe store occupied by others, the young me truly thought so.

At that time, hugging a pair of 200mm size sneakers that would fit Ki Baek-woo’s feet, I didn’t mind even as adults trampled on my back. I was willing even when cursed at as a thieving cat.

Because I had Ki Baek-woo, with whom I could run away together until the soles of our shoes wore out.

Because I was older than Ki Baek-woo, I could hide him in a safe place and steal new shoes for him.

Because I could protect at least Ki Baek-woo’s feet safely and cleanly with the stolen shoes.

Because when I put these shoes on him, Ki Baek-woo would smile happily.

Because I would continue to have such opportunities. A mysterious light that shines brightly only for me.

I will never extinguish that light. The moment I do, my world will finally become darkness. So I must absolutely stay strong.

That’s how Ki Baek-woo made me into a truly great person.

So for me, the ruined world was just a transition to another world, never a tragedy that made me want to die. I always felt that life was worth living.

“What should I do? How…”

I mumbled, sprawled in front of the shoe rack with my crutches, in the cool house that showed signs of being empty for a long time.

“What should I do in this situation… I, this, I…”

My mind was frozen.

I needed to think… I needed to know exactly what was happening to me right now, what was happening to Ki Baek-woo, what this was, and what I should do and how. I needed to know right now, precisely.

But my mind was blank. Except for extremely sensory things like the chill in the house, or the hard floor hurting my bones, or my injured leg throbbing again from rushing out of the center on crutches, it felt like nothing remained inside my body. Like I had become an empty ceramic doll.

The customer cannot be reached. Please try again later. It’s nothing, I’m telling you. What’s important to me right now is Jung Yi-dam’s condition. The customer cannot be reached. Please try again later. It’s nothing, I’m telling you. What’s important to me right now is Jung Yi-dam the customer cannot be reached please try again later it’s nothing I’m telling you what’s important to me right now is Jung Yi-dam the customer cannot be reached it’s nothing I’m telling you what’s important is Jung Yi-dam something like Lee Han-sol is nothing Jung Yi-dam you Lee Han-sol is nothing Jung Yi-dam you

Strange sounds kept ringing in my ears. I didn’t have the energy to shake off the auditory hallucinations. I felt excessively powerless.

Could someone have taken my brain away?

Maybe only my body is here, and my brain is frozen solid in a very cold and dark place. If that’s not the case, there’s no way I could be this helpless…

It was the first time I felt this incompetent. Even when the Destruction first broke out, I didn’t feel this pathetic.

What should I do from now on? What, how, and with what attitude.

I couldn’t get my bearings. I thought I had grown up enough, that I had at least moved beyond being a stupid fool. But in an instant, that sense of satisfaction faded, and I felt like I had returned to being a 10-year-old child confused about the Korean alphabet. Everything felt like a fantasy. The fact that I had become an adult, the scene I had just witnessed in the hospital room at the center. And even the fact that Ki Baek-woo and I were lovers.

Maybe I’m actually mentally ill, and everything is just my delusion. From the world ending to me lying here now like a deflated balloon.

Right. Because there’s no way what I just saw could be true.

If I could make that a lie, I wouldn’t mind if everything about me was a lie. I meant it sincerely.

I was gripped by a feeling that I might die right now. I had never thought about this before. If I were to die, if Ki Baek-woo were to die and leave me behind. I had considered such terrible scenarios before, but I had never, even jokingly, imagined something like this.

We, our promise was absolute… How could this… What is this, exactly?

What am I…

I wanted to somehow collect the emotions pouring out, but I didn’t know how.

When the soles of Ki Baek-woo’s shoes wore out, I just had to somehow steal intact shoes and put them on him. Then Ki Baek-woo could continue to go far with me.

When Ki Baek-woo was hungry, I just had to somehow steal something edible and feed him. Then Ki Baek-woo could continue to sit by my side.

When Ki Baek-woo was sick, I just had to somehow find medicine and a place to rest. If I laid him down in a warm place and waited until he got better, Ki Baek-woo could continue to fall asleep with me.

Those were very simple problems. No matter how chaotic the world was, I could solve everything like a proper older brother. Because Ki Baek-woo was by my side. Because Ki Baek-woo made me into a truly great person. Because I knew he would stay with me until the end. But… but.

“What if Ki Baek-woo doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”

After unconsciously saying this out loud, I immediately wanted to scream.

This is too cruel, isn’t it? What did I do wrong? What did I do so wrong in my life that this is happening to me, why!

The world felt horrific. In an instant, my heart was filled with anger, despair, and resentment. I came to resent everything unspecified and unknown. I deeply hated even each invisible particle of air floating in space.

The hopelessly powerless people we saw everywhere when Ki Baek-woo and I wandered the ruined streets, holding hands with all our might. Those who lost all hope and endlessly resented the world until they died of starvation or freezing or were eaten by the Destruction, anyway, those who soon died… I felt like I had instantly fallen to become such a person. I wanted to blame everything. I wanted to find fault. I wanted to die. It felt like I couldn’t endure without doing so.

What I could do for Ki Baek-woo who no longer wanted to be with me.

What the hell could that be.

With that thought, I finally felt my world crumbling. This was something that couldn’t happen.

***

“…Hyung?”

I was lying blankly on the bed when I suddenly heard a voice and sat up.

How many days has it been now?

Thinking about the incalculable time, I looked at Ki Baek-woo standing beyond the open door. After a brief silence, I answered.

“Yeah, you’re here?”

My tone was much more normal than I expected, and I felt proud of myself. I desperately wanted to show this to Jae-i noona. She would give me great praise.

But Ki Baek-woo, not knowing at all that I was acting, wouldn’t give me such praise.

“When did you come home?”

“Home?”

“I heard you were hospitalized for injuring your leg…”

See. Ki Baek-woo, not knowing anything, doesn’t even praise me saying “Hyung, you’re really amazing. You’re quite skilled at pretending to be okay now,” but instead just casually confirms the kill.

He’s telling me that he knew Lee Han-sol was hospitalized for an injury, yet he never visited once or contacted me. He’s confessing everything without even being asked.

I pulled up the corners of my mouth. I wondered how convincing my smile was.

“Ah, that. Right, somehow it ended up like that.”

“Is it okay for you to be discharged already? The center said your injury was severe…”

“It’s just a broken leg… I felt cooped up, and I just wanted to come home. There was nothing to do in the hospital room…”

It was so boring because no one came. I guess I’m really unpopular, how come no one visited me. Haha, anyway, so I just begged them to discharge me.

I was instinctively pretending that nothing was wrong.

When Baek-woo comes, act like I don’t know anything. Act like I never even set foot in the central center. So, absolutely don’t let on that I witnessed him and Jung Yi-dam together, or that I found out he stayed by Jung Yi-dam’s side for days even though he knew I was sick.

I didn’t particularly think I had to do this, but I was just acting that way automatically. It was instinct.

Baek-woo knows me too well, he’s the kind of person who notices even when I tell the tiniest lie… Will he really be fooled?

It was laughable how Ki Baek-woo didn’t notice anything, despite my momentary hesitation at that thought. He just smiled awkwardly.

“Ah, I see… Sorry, hyung. I wanted to come right away, but I didn’t have time because the gates overlapped. Did you wait for me?”

“Ah, the gates.”

I felt a sense of déjà vu. I think I heard this excuse not too long ago.

Right, it was like that back then too.