Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

Topher just sat there, poleaxed; his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth and burning with stew and spices. Should I attack? Attack who?! What the fuck am I even supposed to do? Next to him, he could see Zanasha was equally paralyzed with indecision; this must be even more confusing for her, he realized uncomfortably. At the other end of the table, Rudo nodded and rose unsteadily to his feet, as if being threatened with a glowing black sword were merely a tiresome chore; wobbling a bit as he bore most of his weight on his cane, he rose from his chair and walked a few steps away from the table before turning to face Hana.

"I do not have a sword," he began gravely, "but I can draw my weapon." Then, comically, he lifted his heavy cane in one hand, raising it up in a parody of a fencer's stance. "Is this what you want?"

"Don't you mock me!" Hana thundered; her voice seemed to ring and echo with power. She flourished her sword viciously, like a cat lashing its tail. "You don't know anything about me!"

Topher blinked, jolted half out of his stupor; I don't want to do this! I have to! "The priests," he muttered, shocked. "They got to her too. Just like Noboru." No, that can't be right. He said she was serving the Demon Lord. "The priests were...?!" He stood up clumsily, bumping the table; dishes jumped and scattered crazily. "Hana, don't...!"

Her eyes flicked towards him, snakelike; then, with a snarl, she attacked.

Her movement was so fast that Topher couldn't even register it; one moment she was still and poised, and the next she had flashed across the room with the speed of a single quick step. Almost as fast as Sugimoto, Topher's brain gibbered. At least Rank A Dexterity. He felt as much as heard a loud, crunching impact, and blinked; then he realized that her blade was protruding from the back of the old man's coat.

Jesus. No.

Rudo's mouth quivered, clenched; he cleared his throat. "So much hatred... for an old man." He cleared his throat again, wobbled slightly. Zanasha hissed in a breath.

Then he shifted ever so slightly to his left, and Topher gawped. The thick wooden cane he held had been perfectly interposed between his body and Hana's, intercepting the sword's blade through its oaken length just above his hand; a trick of perspective had foreshortened the strike, allowing the blow to pass at the slightest of angles between his body and his arm. Topher let out an involuntary bark of laughter; a sword wound faked through his armpit, like a stage actor. Unreal.

Before Hana could react, Rudo twisted the cane, wrenching the sword from her grasp; then, with a deft flourish, he poked her in the sternum with its tip and seemed to lift off the ground, his entire body weight moving into alignment with the strike. Hana's eyes and mouth widened as she found herself flying backwards, her feet shooting out from under her as her center of gravity was expertly and instantly compromised.

But the old man had underestimated her raw speed; almost faster than Topher could see, Hana's hand shot up and grasped the hilt of her Flux Blade where it protruded from Rudo's cane. With impossible dexterity, she lifted her whole body in a coiling, sinuous motion to twist up and around her new point of contact, and to Topher's amazement, she stood in midair upon the protruding length of the cane, wrenching her sword free of its length even as she did so. Snarling, she attacked again in a flurry of strikes Topher could only see as crescent-moon flashes; but Rudo simply lifted the cane up higher with improbable strength, jolting her slightly out of range and forcing each attack to miss by the slimmest of margins. Topher gripped the table with white knuckles; this was way out of his league.

Frustrated, Hana surged up into a backflip into the air, pushing off Rudo's cane and stabbing down; her Flux Blade lengthened into a vicious red spear as she did so, extending downwards like a spring-loaded drill towards the older man's face. Rudo, his expression slightly sleepy, parried it almost contemptuously with his splintering cane; the impact shivered it into pieces, but the blow was deflected as he stepped back and allowed Hana to bound backwards, opening up more ground between them. The white-haired young woman landed and shifted her weapon into a chain-like whip with savage barbs; she lashed it again, eyes narrowing. "You're not exactly a simple Innkeeper, either, are you?"

Rudo shook his head, still seeming shockingly unperturbed. "I may have a few Levels, young lady, but I am merely an Innkeeper. Still, one can learn a few tricks." He examined the broken remnants of his cane before tossing it aside, then shrugged out of his heavy coat; he grimaced slightly at the large hole in the back. "For example, when one has guests with the Thief Class, one may learn Minor Deception; it is only at Rank C, but that is enough for a surprise or two." Without turning to look, he reached out to a squat object nearby that Topher realized was an umbrella stand; from within, he withdrew a battered and dented longsword. "One also accumulates things in the Lost-and-Found."

"Topher," Zanasha breathed at his elbow, "can you not stop them? Use a spell?"

"What should I use?" Topher moaned in despair. "If I use a weak spell, they'll dodge or ignore it; if I use a powerful one, I could kill them, and maybe us too and blow up the inn to boot." His eyes swam with unshed tears of frustration. Weak stupid old man. Useless. "I don't even know who I should be helping."

"You must help Hana-chan," the half-orc choked; Topher didn't understand why she was still sitting with a mug of beer clenched in her fist. "You cannot let her come to harm."

Finally, Topher sat back down; his legs trembled under him. "I can't unmake her choices for her."

"Quite so." Rudo leaned forward slightly, raising the sword with its point towards Hana; his stance was exactly the same as before, when he'd pointed the cane at her. "The young lady, I assure you, can fight her own battles."

Hana stared at him, chest heaving; her eyes flicked back and forth between each of the others. "You don't understand. None of you understand."

"You could talk to us," Topher spat sourly. "Instead of leaping around trying to murder people."

"I can't get another Elixir." Her eyes flicked back towards Rudo. "I have to finish this!"

"Hana-chan," Zanasha whispered. "If you kill him..."

"What?" Hana screamed in rage. "You'll do what?! You'll kill me?!"

"No." Zanasha slumped forward, burying her face in her hands. "No, no..."

"Miss Shirakane." Rudo shuffled forward a step, waggling the tip of his sword at her again. "It is disrespectful to ignore your opponent."

"Be silent!" Full of rage, Hana turned back to him; Topher blinked. That's not a normal reaction. Some kind of Taunt Skill. She surged forward, striking to kill, but the older man -- not as old as he was acting, he's only a few years older than me -- parried each strike expertly, faster than Topher could watch; he moved more slowly than Hana, but his precision and foresight were so masterful that he could begin each parry before she had even launched the next attack. A-Rank Wisdom. And some other kind of Skill...

With a triumphant shout, Hana landed a twisting blow that wrapped the chain of her whip around Rudo's sword; with a surge of strength, she wrenched it from his grasp and shifted her Flux Blade into the barbed assassin's dagger Topher had seen before, ready to make the killing strike. But Rudo channeled the momentum of the disarm into a spin that launched a kick into the side of Hana's head like a hammer blow; she flew through the air, spinning, and crashed into a chair as the old Innkeeper landed lightly on his feet. "The Minor Weapon Mastery Skill's Trick Critical is quite useful when one is at a disadvantage," he observed with a chuckle. "Wouldn't you say?"

Woozily, Hana stumbled to her feet, then shook off the blow; the Elixir's boosting her Constitution too. High Defense, even if it doesn't increase her HP. "Don't think you're toying with me," she snarled, spitting blood and wiping off her chin. "I haven't even begun to get serious. And you're out of weapons now." She formed her Flux Blade into a steaming, sharply curved scimitar and pointed it at him. "And I'm betting that you don't have any combat Skills to fall back on once you've shown me all your tricks."

"You are correct," admitted Rudo, shrugging. "I have only learned five Skills beyond those of my Class, and you have already seen Minor Deception and Minor Weapon Mastery; furthermore, Minor Lore Mastery and Minor Wilderness Mastery are not much use in a duel." He stood up straighter, clasping his hands behind his back. "Thus, it appears this fight will be decided by whether my last Skill can match yours. Assuming, of course, you have a hidden Skill of your own." He smiled, waggling his eyebrows; he looked more like a feisty old uncle than any kind of threat, but Topher assumed that was just more Minor Deception. "Will you honor me with being destroyed by it?"

"You bet I will," Hana grated. Stretching one leg out in front of her, she took a martial arts stance, then raised her free hand up to touch the side of her Flux Blade. "Chaos Weapon Mastery," she intoned, running her finger down the length of the blade; "Havoc Tempest!" As her touch slid down the edge of her weapon, a fiery glow bloomed; it was multicolored and shifting, like her Elixir bottle, and flickered through a kaleidoscope of colors as Topher watched with dread. She drew it close, then crouched and raised her gaze to Rudo's. "Here I come!"

The old man nodded. "Strike true, Hana Shirakane." Topher was astonished to see Hana's lower lip quiver slightly; he covered his mouth with his hand to keep from vomiting obscenities. This is so fucked up.

Then, before he could beg them both to stop again, Hana struck.

As before, her movement was so fast Topher's eyes couldn't follow it; but this time, instead of a swift step of death, it was a thundering, chaotic dance that rattled every surface in the room. She seemed to be bouncing off the walls and ceiling even as she stepped here, then there, striking at Rudo with each impact. Her Flux Blade warped and twisted, changing forms mid-stroke over and over again; now a stabbing trident, now a curving sickle, now a heavy barbed axe. But with each strike, Rudo simply flowed calmly and serenely around her attacks; he stepped aside strikes, ducked under tables, and parried with cups and bowls. Minor Weapon Mastery: Improved Improvised Weapons, Topher intuited as he saw the older man use a flimsy ladle to turn aside a fifty-pound sledgehammer. That's still the same Skill he showed her before. What's his last Skill?

Hana fought frenziedly, creatively; she warped her Flux Blade into weird forms and shapes, slashing with nine-bladed swords and stabbing with branchlike multi-headed spears. She struck with rapier that became a zweihander mid-strike; she charged with a lance that splintered Rudo's parrying chair and then morphed into a silver ribbon that flowed around her, razor-edged and smoking with heat. But Rudo's focus and determination were implacable; he never counterattacked, merely dodged and defended, and Topher could see that Hana was taking his measure as he did so.

Finally, she leapt overheard, wielding a massive staff with a crescent blade at one end and a huge iron bell at the other; with a thunderous crash, she smashed it into the floor of the tavern as Rudo darted backwards. Out of the wreckage, she scowled up at him and bared her teeth. "You can't fight back, can you? You can only defend. Whatever your Skill is, you can only use it once; and you're waiting for the right opportunity."

Rudo nodded, looking sad. "You are correct, Miss Shirakane." He raised one eyebrow. "Where did you learn such observational skills? If I may ask."

"I know," Hana seethed, "all about finding the weaknesses of men." She clambered up out of the broken boards, forming her Flux Blade into a dagger once more; then she pointed it at him. "You sure you don't want to surrender?"

Rudo paused. "Are you saying you would spare me, if so?"

"No." Hana's face was grim; Topher winced, and Zanasha half-started, her hand on the hilt of her sword. "But I'd kill you a lot less painfully."

The old man smiled. "A polite offer, but I decline." He bowed. "If I am to die, let it be painful; pain is a part of life, and I will savor as much of it as I am given." He picked up a fork from the wreckage of a smashed table and assumed his fencer's stance yet again, waggling the utensil playfully at Hana a third time. "En garde?"

"Fine." Hana raised her Flux Blade overhead.

As she did so, its shape shifted and morphed a final time; it lengthened upwards, then sprouted out in all directions into a jagged spiral of red-hot metal that radiated a heat so intense Topher could feel it even through his Priest's Robe. As he watched, awed, boiling magma began to seep from its spines, dripping down to sear and scorch everything in a thirty-foot circle around the young woman's form. There was only one place Rudo could go, Topher saw; he would have to close directly with Hana and attack, or else be set aflame by the fiery devastation. And when he did, Hana would be ready, with a shift to a close-range weapon and a strike that couldn't miss. He groaned. I have to do something.

"Mister Bailey." The old man turned slightly, pointing one eye over his shoulder at Topher. "Have faith."

Topher's guts clenched; he choked out a frustrated breath. Okay. Zanasha, seeing his inaction, winced and moved to engage -- whether she would have attacked Rudo or Hana, Topher didn't know. But it was too late.

As the tavern exploded with boiling heat, the old man flashed forward, a step almost as quick as Hana's had been; Hana, her expression triumphant, shifted her Flux Blade for the deathblow. A whirling chain of spinning blades, crackling with electricity, sprang outward from her form, scything chaotically in every direction. Topher felt the impact in his guts as it took the old man in the stomach, carving into him with a spray of blood; he heard a wail of despair, and was shocked to realize it had come from Hana. Jesus. Did she think he'd...?

Rudo looked up still smiling; his left hand shot out, gripping Hana's wrist. "As you said; I may only use it once." He winked.

Then Topher saw, to his astonishment, that the old man's body had rejected the sparking, vicious blades; the chain was wrapped around him and his torso was pockmarked with gashes, but none of them were more than skin-deep. "Minor Ki Arts," Rudo intoned, raising his free hand, "Infuse Body..." -- his raised hand curled into a fist -- "...and Stunning Fist!"