Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

The stairs down to the dungeon were just as Topher remembered them; cold, dank, and totally neglected. Doubt anyone's been down here since I was here last, he thought to himself grimly.

"Friend Topher?" Nobody was using aliases anymore, he noticed. "Why are we here? Do we not risk the Archmage's ire traversing the castle without permission?"

Topher rolled his eyes. "Trust me, that guy does not give two fucks what we're doing in the castle. I know his type; he's happy he can point his massive MP pool at something and blow it up. If he was into subterfuge, he'd be the spymaster, not the archmage." He continued down the steps, eyes alert for movement; this place still felt sinister and dangerous to him, even if the rest of the castle felt like a joke. "The only guy who might care that we're here is Zashe, and he's a good guy. He'd listen to our reasons."

"Who is 'Zashe'?" asked Hana, trailing at the rear of the group. "The captain of the guards?"

"No, that guy I could never track down." Topher had attempted to find out such a thing back when they were planning to steal the key to the jails, way back before Cailu had been killed, and was irritated to be reminded of it. "Zashe Vicon IV is the king. Good guy, like I said."

Hana's face was aghast. "You know the king?! And you never mentioned it before?"

Topher sighed. "'Know' is probably pushing it. 'Met once and owe a favor to', is probably closer to the truth; it'll be awkward if we run into him. So let's get this done and get the hell out."

Following his memories -- which were much clearer and unpleasantly strong now -- Topher turned at the bottom of the stairs and made his way to one particular cell. As he'd hoped and feared, nothing had changed; Cailu's body, untouched for the previous several months, lay exactly where it had fallen. It had not, to his disgust, skeletonized; instead it was mostly a mass of putrefaction. Topher gagged. "Okay, this might suck a little more than I thought."

Summoning his Stylus, he gave it three spins and choked out the words to his Unbar Way spell; the lock clicked and the bars of the cell swung open. Topher scowled at them with undisguised hatred. Couldn't have been this easy back then, oh no. Three seconds of spellcasting and Cailu would still be alive. He sighed. "How the fuck are we going to get him out of here?"

"A moment." Hana opened her hip pouch, then produced a large oilskin; she handed it to Topher, wincing. "I'll have to get a new one. The smell's probably not coming out."

"Thanks." Topher sighed, gingerly stepping forward, then paused. "I don't... I don't know what I'm doing. What if I throw up? What if --"

"Friend Topher." Zanasha gently took the oilskin from him, stepped into the cell lightly, and began gently pulling the elf's remains onto it with quick, sure movements, using only her gauntleted right hand. In moments, she had everything bundled into the oilskin and sealed it, handing it back to Topher with her left. "I suggest stowing it in your Magic Bag; I do not believe the oilskin will fit back into Hana-chan's whilst full."

"Y-yeah." Shuddering, Topher took the bag and did as she suggested; he felt faint even being near it. "Thanks. S-sorry for being squeamish." Real smooth, Romeo, he chastised himself sourly.

To his surprise, Zanasha did not look disgusted or annoyed; instead, her eyes were regarding Topher with something like compassion. "Each of us has our skills, Friend Topher," she said quietly, stepping out of the cell once more and closing it behind her with a contemplative air. "I must confess that I have felt less than useful during recent events. It is good to be able to contribute, in whatever small way I can."

"Hey." Before he could think better of himself, Topher touched her shoulder lightly. "It's not small to Kelfir. Okay? It matters." The half-orc smiled -- the half-shy smile from before -- and Topher's knees turned to water at the sight; blinking, he turned away hastily. "Let's go. I don't want to..."

Abruptly, Hana was in front of him; her hand was holding her dagger again, but she was facing the other way, her back towards the two of them. Topher opened his mouth to ask what the fuck was going on, then thought better of it and shut up. Instead, he reached behind him to steady Zanasha -- an action which made his heart palpitate -- and doused his Mage Light with a flex of his will. The dungeon plunged back into darkness.

At first, he couldn't hear anything; but he could feel Hana directly in front of him, taut like a wire with alertness, and he vaguely sensed Zanasha moving to lay her hand on her weapon. Then, from up ahead, he heard footsteps -- a soft, gentle tread. Perhaps one person, but he couldn't be sure.

There was a short period of silence, then a low, authoritative voice cut the darkness. "I expect an explanation, Okano-kun." Topher flinched as he recognized Sora Sugimoto, the S-Ranker swordsman.

"Apologies, Sugimoto-sama." The other voice was also male, but slightly higher and significantly more self-assured -- a feat Topher would never have credited, given how much of a stuck-up prick Sugimoto was. "My divinations revealed that it was necessary for us to meet here."

"You suspect the castle is infiltrated?" responded the S-Ranker, and Topher could practically hear the young man's fingers curling around the hilt of his own sword.

"With respect, Sugimoto-sama, I do more than suspect it; Saiki-sama made me objectively aware of it some time ago. The Demon Lord's spies are much more numerous than anyone knows -- a fact, I hope, that I do not need to explain is best kept to yourself -- and they are not the only ones. Houphelium's agents also collect information -- some benignly, some not -- and Archmage Siukh's loyalties are still very much in question."

"Local politics." The disdain in Sugimoto's voice was so thick Topher could have eaten it with a spoon. "Very well. What is this urgent information that Suzume-chan wants me to know?"

"She says, and I quote, that 'the time for dissembling is ended', and that she advises you to take both your party and her own into the Infinite Dungeon." Topher heard a shuffling of paper -- probably a map -- followed by a grunt of acknowledgement. "There, she hopes that we may all increase our Levels to the point that we may hope to be able to contend with the Demon Lord's forces, without exposing ourselves to the preemptive attacks which claimed the lives of Arima-sama and her team."

"If the Demon Lord has two brain cells to rub together, he'll know we're doing this," protested Sugimoto. "And if she thinks this is the best move, where is she? Why not come with us herself?"

"Saiki-sama has her own plans," the unseen boy -- Okano, Topher supposed -- replied. "If she travels with us, the Demon Lord can crush us all with one blow -- by making herself a target elsewhere, she can prevent such a gambit."

"Idiot!" Topher flinched in the darkness; even at a distance, Sugimoto's ire was still terrifying. "If she dies, all hope of victory over the Demon Lord's forces is for naught! How can she risk herself like this?!" To his shock, Topher realized that the young man was distraught; emotion bled through fiercely, and he was willing to bet there were tears in the young man's eyes. Fucking teenagers, he thought to himself sourly.

"Sugimoto-sama." The other boy's voice was level and unperturbed. "There is not, and never has been, any hope of military victory over the demon armies. The only way this conflict will end with anything other than our deaths is for you and your personal forces to attain sufficient Levels, then infiltrate the Demon Lord's lair and defeat him in personal combat. My divinations revealed this nearly three months ago, and my Class -- Sun Prophet -- is one of the few capable of spells that divine the future, rather than the present. I have used my Unique Skill, Thought Acceleration, to check the results of my spells and evaluate all possible courses of action hundreds of thousands of times. There is no other way forward."

A broken sob reached Topher's ears; in the dark, he felt more than saw Hana's shoulders droop. "Damn it!" A shock reverberated through the dungeon; Topher realized Sugimoto was pounding the wall with his fist, and his immense strength was sending tremors through the entire edifice. "Damn it!"

"There is no time," the other boy cautioned him. "General Cuthbert can command the C-Rankers and D-Rankers in your absence. With luck, they will buy us sufficient time and keep the Demon Lord's forces occupied across the main battlefields near Vorn; we will take another route, through the Infinite Dungeon. Saiki-sama has arranged events such that a portal to the Demon Lord's castle can be opened from the nine hundredth floor. But we must depart now, and tell no one."

There was a short silence, where Topher imagined that Sugimoto was getting his shit together; eventually, though, he heard the other boy straighten and heave out a long breath. "Very well. What is the plan for our departure?"

"Nakano-san has created another of her devices; the others are all gathered in her quarters. It is best if none of the locals know that we have left, or from where." There was a short pause. "You should go, Sugimoto-sama. I have one more errand to perform here, and then I will join you."

"If you are certain." There was another pause, then Topher heard retreating footsteps as Sugimoto went back up the stairs. There was a long period of silence.

Then, as he'd been dreading, other footsteps began heading in their direction. "Bailey-san. Are you there?"

Topher sighed. "Yeah." He muttered the words for another Mage Light spell; when the gray orb bloomed, he saw Okano before him.

He'd never seen this one before -- tall and thin, with a mop of shaggy blond hair and a sad expression. Being able to see the future must suck ass, Topher realized abruptly. Everybody dies eventually. This guy's living with that all the time. He moved forward, nodding. "Guess you foresaw I'd be here, huh?"

"Among other things." The boy smiled, but it didn't touch his eyes. "You're probably wondering what you have to do with any of this, and why I arranged for you to overhear such things."

"More than a little, yeah." Topher shifted uncomfortably. "Kind of feels like you just painted a big target on my back, to be honest."

"I am merely the messenger, Bailey-san." The boy leaned closer. "Saiki-sama wishes you to know that your part in this is over for now, but she anticipates that she will see you again. For now, she merely requested that I tell you to be cautious."

"Me? What do any of you jokers want with me?" Topher recoiled. "I'm no hero. I just want to live my goddamn life."

The other boy grimaced. "Bailey-san, do you know what I was doing, the day before I was summoned?"

"Masturbating, probably." Topher remembered being sixteen all too well. He heard Hana choke off a snort of laughter.

"Occasionally." Okano's expression didn't change. "But primarily I was calculating baseball scores for my statistics homework. I wanted to be a sports analyst." He half-turned, looking into the darkness to Topher's right. "But none of us will get to 'live our lives', as you put it, if the Demon Lord awakens fully. It is doubtful you will be involved; my divinations have predicted only a very slight chance that you or any of your actions will be relevant. But all preparations must be made." He gestured, summoning a shell of white light around himself; Topher realized that the vast, echoing darkness of the dungeons was suddenly full of slight noises. "Our time is up; Biet Mel Astragath, Ninth Demolitionist of the Demon Engineer Corps, is making her final preparations for the castle's destruction. These dungeons are full of explosives; the king and most of the others have already been evacuated." Topher flinched backwards, suppressing a gibber of fear, and he saw the young man's answering smirk. "Worry not; there is only a nine percent chance that I will die here. The vast majority of my predictions anticipate my demise in battle against Hox Manceris, the Demon Lord's chief strategist. I'm hoping to get laid at least once before then." With a slight movement, the boy jetted off into the darkness; Topher stared after him, open-mouthed and blinking.

"Friend Topher." Zanasha's cool, urgent voice shocked him out of his stupor. "What do we do?"

"Aumraham probably knew," Topher gasped, trying to piece it all together. "He's meeting us out front of the castle. He said an hour; we maybe have fifteen minutes left."

"It's settled then." Hana sheathed her dagger and grabbed Zanasha's hand. "We run."