To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

“…and I just ended up making a ton of food waste.”“Gosh, I wouldn’t be able to eat this even if I made it myself.” I bravely took a bite, only to gag on the burnt taste and spit it into the sink. Tossing the something-that-was-barely-a-dish into the food waste bin, filled with a deep sense of guilt towards the environment, it was time to head to the hospital.‘If he bothered to make it so diligently in the morning, it doesn’t seem like he hates me.’But then why is he keeping his distance so much?Regardless of the reason, unless I asked Jo Yeonseo directly, I would continue going around in circles. Putting aside the questions I couldn’t solve alone, my entire body was exhausted after being tortured by the still-aching spots that could move.If my memory doesn’t return for a while, will I have to keep living like this? A change finally came to the daily life, constantly swayed by waves of anxiety, after the long-awaited reissuance of my ID card.<Lee Suhan(李守橌)>With a new ID card bearing the three familiar characters of my name and my current address, I could resolve all the things I hadn’t been able to confirm. I entered the nearest bank from the community center, opened an account, and handled things like the public authentication certificate and the financial authentication certificate. This allowed me to get a clearer picture of my situation.‘I guess I could have just used my passport.’It didn’t really matter since I wasn’t in a hurry to leave the house after just a month. In the meantime, my ankle was less throbbing, and my condition had improved so much that I was starting to gain weight, to the point where the hospital even recommended exercise. Although my appearance hadn’t dulled to the point where I didn’t look sharp, I was starting to feel a bit of a crisis as I drifted further from the intellectual image of a slender, sharp figure seen on TV.‘It’s all because he’s feeding me so well.’Since that day when Yeonseo prepared breakfast, he acted like a rabbit hiding in its burrow, so I thanked him by holding him back. He was so embarrassed he couldn’t lift his head, as if he had done something wrong, so I teased him even more.‘It was really delicious. I thought living with someone who cooks like this every day would be such a blessing.’I didn’t mean to imply that he should actually cook for me every day. The next morning, he made a hot sandwich for me to heat up in the microwave, and I couldn’t help but smile.Since then, he continued to prepare simple breakfast meals for me, leaving them in the fridge. I felt a bit guilty just receiving and eating all the time, so I went grocery shopping on my way back from the hospital and filled the fridge. He used the groceries I bought to make breakfast, and it was so cute it was almost ridiculous.‘It’s kind of like… a hamster taking food to its nest as soon as it’s given.’It’s funny to describe a grown man as a hamster. Every day after work, he would just nod his head and retreat to the bedroom without even hearing my thanks. What else can you call that but cute?After this routine continued for a week, I felt guilty about just eating for free. I wondered if it was okay for him to leave for work every day, barely spending weekends at home. Worried and hoping for a chance to talk, I tried preparing a late-night snack for him to enjoy when he came home.“…….”Unfortunately, the result was dismal. The dough didn’t rise, and the cheese didn’t melt properly, making it seem better to eat it raw. Trying the microwave again turned it into a shapeless, greasy mess.‘How did I ever make a living cooking?’I gave up on trying to cook and enjoyed a leisurely life at home. I didn’t want to just laze around, but being a semi-celebrity with a recognizable face made it hard to find a part-time job. So, I felt a slight sense of guilt while using the card Yeonseo gave me, but at last, I could now manage my finances.‘First, let’s check the account balance.’After registering my authentication certificate with the bank app and gathering the account information, I saw the balances. When I finally confirmed the results, I couldn’t believe my eyes.“What?”I had appeared on so many shows, and even received a hefty monthly salary as a corporate executive, yet this was all the money I had saved? While it was a lot for someone my age, it was unthinkable for a professional with my earnings. Remembering what PD Cho had said a few weeks ago made it even more puzzling.‘And… this is just my personal opinion, but… you seemed to take on every job that paid well, as long as it didn’t harm your career. I was surprised.’Despite her careful wording, it was clear that I was known as someone obsessed with money. The fact that such a money-driven person had saved so little was certainly odd.‘My stock accounts didn’t have much either.’I didn’t own any real estate either. Did I bury all my money somewhere? Reviewing past transactions, I found records of large sums sent to someone whose name I didn’t recognize. Adding up the total amount sent over the years, I was stunned by the nine-digit figure.‘What?’If all this money was part of my income, it made sense that my savings weren’t as high as expected.Who is this person? Searching online yielded no relevant results. Everything was shrouded in mystery.Should I hire a private investigator? I considered it briefly. With funds available without Yeonseo knowing, it seemed like an option. However, given that my amnesia was a secret, I was hesitant.‘What if it gets reported on some shady show as ‘The Hidden Face of a Chaebol’ or ‘Shocking Secrets of a TV Personality’?’Such news would be a nightmare for me and my company. It would be bad enough to take a year off due to amnesia, but if my personal issues made headlines, the workaholic, money-obsessed Lee Suhan would want to strangle his amnesiac self.‘Let’s not go that far.’If a year passed and I was still like this, drastic measures might be needed, but for now, it was unnecessary. I unconsciously tapped the floor with my indoor slippers, a habit when anxious. Despite the absence of memory, the vivid dream of waves engulfing me and a desperate hug haunted me. It felt too real to dismiss as a mere dream, yet I couldn’t recall my appearance in it.‘The sea…’If I graduated from a school near the sea, I must have lived nearby. Was it a memory from middle school? Lost in thought, I noticed it was nearly time for Yeonseo to return. As if on cue, the door lock beeped.“You’re home?”Greeting Yeonseo with a familiar tone, he nodded and headed to the kitchen with a large box. Instead of retreating to the bedroom, he placed the box on the table and began unpacking it.“What’s that?”Curious, I watched as Yeonseo, with a blank expression, took individually wrapped mangoes from the box and placed them on the counter.“A gift arrived. I’ll prepare them for you to eat tomorrow morning.”The luxurious packaging and fragrant scent of the mangoes hinted at their sweetness. Watching Yeonseo’s calm face and neat fingers unwrapping the fruit, I spoke.“Instead, let’s eat it now. It looks ripe enough that it doesn’t need to ripen any further.”Yeonseo’s face quickly filled with surprise, as if my suggestion was unexpected.“What?”Even though he understood immediately, I cut off any chance for him to say something else.“I’ll cut it right now. Do you prefer a fork or a spoon?”As I picked one up and headed to the sink, Yeonseo stared at me in bewilderment. I shrugged as if to ask what the big deal was.“I just asked you. Are you not going to answer?”Putting the blame on him confidently, he stammered as if he were malfunctioning.“No, I’m fine.”He should know by now that saying that only gives me a chance to catch his words. Does he not know, or is he pretending not to? Deciding to stop guessing his intentions, I spoke in a calm voice.“I think I mentioned this before. I’m not fine. I’ll scoop it out with a spoon.”Taking away his choice completely, I clumsily removed the seed, revealing thick, juicy flesh on both sides. The sweet aroma filled not only the kitchen but also the living room, far surpassing the scent from the skin.“It smells great. Let’s sit down instead of standing around.”As I naturally pulled out a chair for him with my free hand, Yeonseo sat down awkwardly but didn’t resist much. Every time he was home, he would look down and avoid eye contact like a timid person, so I never had the chance to notice how pale his wrists and neck were beneath his collar. How could a guy, especially an alpha, be this pale?Caught staring, he suddenly blushed a deep red on his neck, as if he noticed my gaze.“Well, um…”Unable to tell me to stop staring, he tried to cover the back of his neck with his hand, which was so cute that I had to look away to compose my expression.“Oh, sorry. I told you to eat, but I kept holding the spoon.”I quickly placed the spoon on the table, put half of the mango on my plate, and pulled out the chair opposite him.“Let’s eat.”Although we had lived together for almost a month, this was the first time we sat across from each other at the table. Seeing his soft eyelashes and gentle eyes from this angle made them stand out more. His light-colored hair and smooth cheeks moved slightly as he took a spoonful of the mango he had prepared and chewed it with small vibrations.He really did look like a hamster. His small face and delicate features were so pretty that watching him felt like seeing a doll come to life. Perhaps I stared too openly again because his eyelids twitched briefly before he quickly finished his food and stood up.“…Thank you for the meal.”“Oh, don’t mention it. You brought it, not me.”“Still, it must have been troublesome…”“Is it more troublesome than the breakfasts you make for me?”The conversation ended there. He seemed at a loss for words, bowed slightly, and retreated to the bedroom. Even when I compliment him, it’s a problem? Once again, I was left staring at the closed bedroom door, feeling like a dog chasing chickens, and smirked. Only then did I regret not asking him something.‘I keep missing the timing to ask when we first met.’Since we both used the kitchen in the morning, I thought that would be the best time to ask. But like some kind of magical fairy, he always finished before I got up, so I just ate what he left for me.If I didn’t care about his feelings, I could just text him. But I didn’t want to because it was clear. I was afraid he might run away. I didn’t want to lose the fragile peace of being able to share snacks together.Waking up every morning with the hope of seeing what he had prepared was one of the few joys in my otherwise dull life.I didn’t want to disturb this shaky peace by dredging up possibly better-forgotten things. It was funny how much I didn’t want to upset him.But there was a limit. I needed to find some conclusion. It was odd for a married couple to sleep in separate rooms and avoid each other like this.Unless there was a clear reason, like an arranged marriage with no prior relationship, that made sense.Since I had missed today’s opportunity and Yeonseo had retreated to his room, I had to wait for him to come out again.I quietly cleaned up and went to bed. It wasn’t that late, but I wanted to sleep early, hoping tomorrow would come sooner.‘Hmm…’Lying in bed with my eyes closed, various thoughts flooded in. It had been a month since my discharge. Despite finding objective records about myself, many things remained unclear. The attributes that made up Lee Suhan felt like a vague list rather than anything tangible. My numerous TV appearances now seemed more like watching a fictional character in a drama.Though I was living a carefree life as an unemployed person, I wasn’t entirely unaffected inside.‘I want to talk.’I wanted to share what I was thinking, what I feared, what I worried about, what I wanted to try, what I did today, and what I planned for tomorrow. Not just talk at someone, but have a real conversation. The only person I could freely share my situation with was Yeonseo, but he was busy with his social life! The thought of my own insecurity drained my energy.I wasn’t sure if I should be acting this way. Though I was convinced it wasn’t right, I couldn’t deny one thing any longer.‘I’m pretty sure he likes me.’A man nearly in his thirties wouldn’t make breakfast every morning for someone he didn’t like. It couldn’t just be camaraderie and sympathy from an arranged marriage. Shaking my head, I resolved to create an opportunity. If I pushed too hard, he might retreat to his room and not come out. In the worst case, he might suggest moving out due to discomfort. So, I had to gauge how far I could push.Once more, I clicked my tongue in the direction of the bedroom and reviewed work documents on my laptop until I fell asleep.* * *The next morning, determined to catch him preparing breakfast, I woke up to the sound of him moving around. I hurried out of bed and opened the door to find Yeonseo, dressed in casual work clothes and an apron, looking startled at my sudden appearance.“…!?”His apron was plain black, functional rather than cute. Yet, he looked objectively adorable. With his startled expression, Yeonseo opened his mouth to speak.“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make noise…”Seeing Yeonseo hurriedly trying to take off his apron, possibly thinking I was going to complain about the noise, I quickly shook my head.“No, it’s not that.”“…”“I’m sorry. I keep taking advantage of your hospitality and I couldn’t even properly see you off after all your effort this morning.”Now fully awake and with a clear head, I faced Yeonseo. He looked like a flustered hamster desperately trying to find a way out.“…You don’t need to think like that.”“Then I’ll just consider it me being overly sensitive. Still, I wanted to say thank you.”Then, I swiftly blocked the exit and asked,“Speaking of which, can we talk for a bit, Yeonseo? Do you have some time?”Unfortunately, he managed to escape again. As always, I watched his flustered retreat with a dumbfounded expression.‘Seriously, how can a person be like this…’With an excuse about needing to hurry for work, he left behind an open toast and disappeared. Staring blankly at his retreating figure, I quietly pulled out a chair and sat down. The kitchen was left in disarray, with a lingering warmth, as he had rushed out without tidying up. It was still early, but I didn’t feel like going back to sleep. I took a bite of the freshly made toast and, to my annoyance, it was delicious.‘Sorry. Let’s talk after I get off work.’Considering the typical office worker’s schedule, it wasn’t that late, but his quick departure with a single excuse felt quite vexing. Fine, let’s talk after work then. Grinding my teeth in determination, I snorted. He doesn’t get off work particularly early, but it’s not so late that it seems like he’s overworking himself.I’ll wait for him after work, just as he said. As I took the last bite of the toast, my anger subsided a little. The combination of the crispy toast with the rich butter flavor, thick cream cheese, fresh avocado, and salty smoked salmon melted away my frustration.Before I was discharged from the hospital, when I joked, “Am I being imprisoned here?” Mr. Taeo laughed, saying that couldn’t be the case. But if I told him about the current situation, he might understand to some extent. The overly delicious breakfasts provided every morning were breaking my resolve to talk to Yeonseo that I had built up overnight.‘Am I being trained right now?’A silly thought crossed my mind, but the empty plate staring back at me urged me to stop thinking nonsense and just do the dishes. A newly purchased, state-of-the-art dishwasher proudly occupied a spot in the kitchen, but using it for just a few dishes seemed excessive. So, I turned on the sink and washed the dishes by hand. Looking around the kitchen, I noticed a few changes since I first saw it.The placement of the spatula or the whisk, the order of stacking the plates—they all hinted that Yeonseo hadn’t used the kitchen much before. Maybe he didn’t dare touch it, knowing I was an expert in dining and more skilled in cooking. Considering my temper shown on TV, it was plausible.“Why did you put this here? And why is that there? Don’t you know how strict I am about the kitchen? This isn’t how you manage it; why did you just run it through the dishwasher?” I could easily imagine myself nagging and annoying someone until they were fed up. Thinking of him quietly enduring my machine-gun-like nagging made him seem a bit cute, though I mostly felt sorry for him.‘Still, it’s a shared home.’Did we really agree to divide the house into the master bedroom and the rest, strictly not invading each other’s spaces? As always, I was left with more questions.‘He is really cute though…’After finishing my breakfast, my conclusion was as vague as the time I had delayed talking to him. I wasn’t a newlywed, and it was my first time seeing him in an apron. I wondered if he used it, seeing it always freshly washed and hanging on the kitchen wall, even though I had never used it. It was an image that wouldn’t easily leave my mind.I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t delay any longer. If he tries to run away again today, I’ll have to remove the lock from the master bedroom door, I thought, scratching my head with a sigh.* * *“…”That evening, I stared blankly at the dining table and checked my phone screen.[11:35 PM]It was a time he would usually have been home by, but there was no sign of him. Not even an ant had shown up at the entrance.Was he protesting by coming as late as possible so I couldn’t talk to him? I checked my messenger app and text messages multiple times, hoping for a message saying he would be late and I shouldn’t wait up, but there was nothing.“…”This was infuriating. How long would he keep up this awkward atmosphere as a protest? Trying to maintain my composure, I turned away from the clock. He should be home before midnight. But as the night dragged on, nearing 1 AM, my eyelids grew heavy. No matter how late it was, I couldn’t keep waiting at the table.‘Should I just go to bed?’My patience was wearing thin, and I was about to get up when there was a loud thud at the door.“…?”Did he trip on his way in? If he was in his right mind, he’d soon open the door and come in. I waited with my arms crossed, but after nearly five minutes, there was still no sound from outside.“…?”Worried it might be a drunken stranger, I cautiously peeked through the door chain. The sight through the slightly opened door was something I hadn’t expected.“What the…”There were no words that could escape my mouth except that. Yeonseo, who had left the house in a very neat state that morning, was now lying outside the door, asleep.“…”Should I commend him for at least finding his way back home? I quickly undid the door chain and shook his sleeping form to wake him up. As I got closer, I could smell a faint hint of alcohol, indicating he hadn’t drunk much.“Hey, Yeonseo. Wake up, please.”I lightly shook his shoulders, wondering if he had actually walked all the way here on his own. If he had, it was quite a feat, considering how deeply he was asleep. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just leave him lying in front of the door, so I quickly gave up on waking him and slipped my arm under his shoulders to support him. Despite his seemingly slim frame, his body felt surprisingly solid. Even if he looked delicate, an alpha was still an alpha.Trying to sling him over my back proved awkward, so I ended up slipping my arm under his knees and carrying him bridal style.“Just bear with this for a bit. It’s better than dragging you.”Having lost a lot of muscle mass from being bedridden for so long, I had to exert a lot of effort to keep him from collapsing. Thankfully, I managed to carry him without dropping him and laid him on the bed. As his body shifted, he mumbled in his sleep, his lips parting slightly.“Mmm…”He sure knows how to make someone worry. Relaxing so comfortably, what could he possibly be complaining about in his sleep? I was tempted to pinch his plump lips but instead sighed and called his name.“Yeonseo.”When I quietly called his name, his eyelids fluttered slightly, indicating he recognized his name. The way his long eyelashes trembled with each movement drew my attention.“Are you asleep?”This time, there was no response, just silence.I was about to call his name one more time to annoy him, but seeing him sleep soundly with a soft breathing, he looked both cute and somehow a little pitiful, so I stopped.“If you’re going to sleep, do it comfortably. I’m not trying to do anything weird, I’m just helping because you look uncomfortable, so don’t think strangely.”I carefully took off his jacket, hung it on a hanger, and tidied up his tie and belt so he could sleep more comfortably. As I did this, I noticed things I hadn’t seen before.Like his ringless fourth finger, or the soft, downy hair on his cheeks that were flushed like a child’s. Watching him closely made me feel like I was doing something bad, so I quickly averted my gaze.I was only helping him to sleep comfortably. I even unbuttoned one button at the top and bottom and smoothed his tousled bangs, which made his expression look much more relaxed. It would be nice if he showed this face more often. He doesn’t dislike me, so why does he keep his distance? Am I allowed to bridge the gap on my own?In this utterly confusing situation, one thing was clear: I didn’t dislike him. If someone asked me whether I wanted to get closer to Jo Yeonseo or not, the answer would be the former. The frustration I felt every time he tried to avoid me was because I wanted to get closer to him.How long is he going to keep running away? Until I regain my memory? The series of actions he takes suggests he’s just enduring. It’s as if he’s trying to hold out until I return to normal and stop trying to get close to him, like he’s signaling that the current me shouldn’t exist and is a mistake. This thought gnawed at me.“Yeonseo.”When I quietly called his name again, his cheeks twitched slightly. I lightly touched his now cooler cheeks with the back of my hand and asked, though I didn’t expect a proper answer.“Would you like it if I disappeared quickly?”To my surprise, he responded with a low, sleepy murmur and weakly shook his head.“……”What is this? Then what? I laughed incredulously and asked again.“Am I making you uncomfortable?”He shook his head again.“Then why do you run away every time you see me?”This time, there was no answer. Even in his sleep, he only responded to what he wanted to answer. It was quite a high-spec unconsciousness. I laughed again, finding it absurd.“Do you dislike it when I act close to you? Does it make you uncomfortable and wish I would stop?”As soon as I asked this more direct question, Yeonseo’s cheeks twitched again, and he responded in a low, muffled voice.“No, I don’t…”In the end, the question circled back to the same point.“Then why do you avoid me so much?”It was foolish to seriously ask a drunken person this, but it was a question I had wanted to ask for a long time. If he doesn’t dislike me, then why? When I brushed aside the stray hair that had fallen over his forehead, Yeonseo finally answered after a long silence.“Because you dislike me…”“Me?”Surprised by the unexpected answer, I tilted my head and asked again, but no answer came. Really, what a convenient unconsciousness.“Then, if I don’t dislike you, can I act more friendly with you?”This time, his plump lips remained tightly shut. I playfully pinched his soft cheek and smiled.“I think I’m starting to like you a bit, Yeonseo. The Lee Suhan who dislikes Jo Yeonseo is not here for now, so stop avoiding me, okay?”My insides felt bitter as I said this jokingly. As I was about to leave to let him sleep comfortably, I noticed the inner pocket of the jacket I had hung was unusually sagging. If he doesn’t put his phone on the charger, it would be inconvenient tomorrow. With a “here’s another treat for the cute one” feeling, I took out his phone from the pocket and suddenly got curious about how he saved my contact.Lee Suhan? Husband? Spouse? He registered himself on my phone with the simple three characters, Jo Yeonseo. Laughing, I called his phone to see what grand name he had given himself, only to be taken aback by an unexpected word.“……?”I doubted my eyes. I rubbed them several times, but the name on the screen didn’t change.[Suhan hyung]What is this? I saved his contact as his full name, but he saved mine as ‘hyung’? Objectively, given our age difference, it’s appropriate, but considering his usual behavior, it was unimaginable that he would save my contact like this. My face heated up involuntarily.‘What the heck, really.’I barely calmed my rapidly beating heart, put his phone on the charger, and approached the sleeping Yeonseo again. I pinched the cheek I hadn’t earlier and mumbled without realizing it.“…What a sly fox.”Instead of going back to my room, I lay down next to him. He might be shocked in the morning, but after all he’s put me through, this small mischief should be allowed. I snorted and pulled the blanket over us. The blanket barely covered my chest due to his presence, but it wasn’t cold enough to be unbearable. In fact, the warmth from his nearby body made it feel warm.Let him be shocked if he wants. I fell asleep, my head resting stiffly, and woke up to the morning light.* * *“…This, uh, what…?”The first thing I saw upon waking was Yeonseo’s pale, shocked face. Given how drunk he was last night, it was no wonder he was feeling queasy, but his distressed expression clearly had another reason.“Did you sleep well? You were so drunk last night, I was worried.”Casually stretching and asking, he turned pale and smooth like marble, just like when I had asked if I could call him “Yeonseo.” As I looked at his face without any reaction, he quickly averted his gaze and asked again.“Did I, by any chance, do something inappropriate yesterday…?”He spoke as if he were someone who had caused trouble while drunk, so I shamelessly lied without a second thought.“You did. I never knew you were such an assertive person, Yeonseo. You came in and immediately suggested we go to bed…”As I deliberately trailed off and watched his reaction, his expression was priceless. He looked both confused and despairing, trying to figure out how to apologize, clearly torn between disbelief and guilt. Did he really think he had lost control and attacked me while drunk? Though it was amusing to tease him, he looked so close to fainting that I decided to stop my prank.“I’m really sorry… I don’t know how to apologize…”“It was a joke. Nothing happened.”His honest expression, swinging between heaven and hell with a single word, tickled my heart. Trying hard to suppress my laughter, I added,“You came home very late, so I just tidied you up so you could sleep comfortably. I slept beside you because I was worried. Nothing happened, so don’t worry about it. I’ll leave now so you can get ready for work.”As I quickly got up, he seemed puzzled about why I had been sleeping next to him. I added nonchalantly, still looking at his confused face,“It’s not unusual for a married couple to wake up in the same bed, right?”If I said I liked his dumbfounded expression, people would say I had a terrible personality and taste. But considering the trouble I went through taking care of him while he was drunk, I thought this little mischief was justified.‘Anyway, it was me who disliked you, not you disliking me.’That settled it. I left the room with much lighter steps.