The Unbelievers

Chapter 99

That wasn’t all. When aroused, he developed disturbing skin lesions between his legs extending to the perineum. It was an erogenous zone that caused more stimulation than touching his dick. Having never properly examined it in a mirror, he didn’t know exactly what shape it took, but when touched by hand, it felt bumpy enough that it couldn’t be hidden or concealed.

It would be a lie to say he hadn’t imagined having a relationship with him. Eunseong’s body might be pure, but his mind wasn’t. He could be considered very lewd for his age.

He had masturbated thinking about him several times. It was because he couldn’t bear it, couldn’t stop thinking about him—the pain of it had driven Eunseong to run away twice, trying to escape from Yoo Siwoon. Even with his late-maturing body that made it difficult to feel sexual desire, it was painful for him—he could hardly imagine the urges and pain that Yoo Siwoon must feel with everything fully intact.

“…Should I tell him.”

About not having testicles… I should tell him in advance.

He might be shocked. People without testicles… there aren’t many people like that.

I should tell him that when touched here, something strange and bumpy appears, that there’s something gross.

He might stop in the middle out of surprise. He might dislike it… what if he says it’s disgusting?

What if he doesn’t want to touch me… What if he thinks it’s a contagious disease?

What if he says no because of that, if he refuses to do it…

What if he frowns when he sees me naked…

Eunseong bit his lip hard. Suddenly his mood became endlessly depressed.

They had agreed not to hide their feelings for each other, and Yoo Siwoon had said he wouldn’t deny those feelings.

What was happening was only what should naturally happen between lovers. Eunseong belatedly realized that telling him he was scared had been a big mistake. This was a person who had already rejected him because of guilt, who was cautious—it was like touching on the immorality he was barely managing to forget.

Eunseong wasn’t disgusted or afraid of him; he was only afraid of having his flaws exposed to him.

After staring at his own pitiful naked body, he went into the bathroom for a long shower. His body, thoroughly washed in hot water, retained a warm heat. While patting his wet hair dry with a towel, he heard someone approaching. Eunseong tossed the towel aside and hurriedly went outside.

Yoo Siwoon, who was entering the living room, hesitated when he saw Eunseong. It was a stiff movement, like in the beginning when he kept his distance and wouldn’t come close.

“Didn’t you see my message?”

“I did.”

“Then why didn’t you reply?”

“It didn’t seem like you were demanding an answer.”

“I was.”

Yoo Siwoon, who had been mechanically answering without looking at Eunseong, took out his phone from his inner pocket and checked the messages.

[You said you weren’t feeling well, where did you go, it’s cold outside]

[What I said this morning, I didn’t mean it like that]

[I have something I want to talk about]

[There’s someone who looks like you in the movie I’m watching now, he’s kind of ugly]

There were only messages where it was unclear what kind of answer was being requested.

“How ugly is he?”

“No, not that, the one I sent earlier. I was asking when you’d be coming home.”

“I see.”

Yoo Siwoon murmured dryly in a disinterested tone.

“I was waiting. We were supposed to go exercise together.”

“I’m not feeling well. Let’s go exercise later.”

It didn’t sound like a lie. His tired face clearly showed a desperate desire to go in and rest, and his expression suggested that anyone talking to him was burdensome and tiring. Yoo Siwoon was trying to escape from someone who made him uncomfortable and perplexed, but he was exercising patience, barely enduring and trying not to show his raw emotions.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Can it wait until later?”

“When is later? You’re going to be back and forth again, aren’t you?”

“…Back and forth, yes. I have been like that.”

Yoo Siwoon rubbed his face with his hand as if troubled. It was his habit to do this dry face-washing gesture when he was in a difficult situation.

“You said we should kiss once a day… you said that this morning.”

“…”

His hand, which had been rubbing his face, froze at his chin. He looked at Eunseong for a while before slowly lowering his hand.

“I’m okay. I can do it.”

“If it’s because of what happened this morning… don’t push yourself. I shouldn’t have done that, it was my mistake.”

“I know what this is. I’m not stupid or that young.”

“…Haah.”

Yoo Siwoon exhaled deeply, genuinely tired.

“Back and forth… it seems like you’re the one doing that.”

“…”

“I’ve barely come to my senses now. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

Fatigue was heavily cast under his eyes. He looked like someone who hadn’t slept for days, as if it was a miracle that he was maintaining his sanity right now.

“When I said I was scared, it wasn’t because I was really scared… it’s because I’m not ready yet.”

“What kind of preparation?”

Eunseong thought quietly before answering.

“Mental preparation?”

“What kind of mental preparation.”

Yoo Siwoon frowned slightly.

“Just various preparations.”

“…Can’t we talk about this tomorrow?”

Yoo Siwoon clutched his forehead as if he was sick of these word games and the emotional exchanges that seemed to be testing each other.

“You won’t talk about it tomorrow. You’ll run away tomorrow too.”

Eunseong blocked his path as he tried to avoid the conversation. Yoo Siwoon closed his eyes tightly, then opened them again.

“You’re acting like this because you don’t know what I was trying to do to you today.”

“I do know. Why do you keep treating me like I don’t know anything?”

“…You don’t know.”

He said glumly. That Eunseong didn’t know anything, didn’t know what a terrible thing he had tried to do. Dirty delusions that bored into his brain were choking Yoo Siwoon. It was a suffocating feeling.

“I do know.”

“…I’m tired. Tomorrow.”

“…”

“Not tomorrow either. Don’t talk about it. We don’t need to talk about it anymore. Let’s stop everything. Let’s stop all of this!”

Yoo Siwoon shouted as if physically showing that he was going mad, and turned to avoid Eunseong who was blocking his way. Eunseong quickly grabbed his arm. Truly irritated, Yoo Siwoon turned his head toward Eunseong, savagely knitting his brows. It was a stern look telling him to let go.

Eunseong’s face was red as if he had shouted out loud every thought that came to his mind.

“I’m not as innocent as you think!”

“Who said what?”

“You don’t need to feel guilty. I’m not… not that good a person.”

“Let go. Let go and talk.”

“No. I won’t let go. I won’t. Why do you make people feel… why do you make people feel stupid? Why do you make me feel like I’m begging for this!”

Although Eunseong wasn’t forcibly holding his arm and refusing to let go, Yoo Siwoon stood there helplessly. Eunseong, who knew nothing, who was innocently accepting this situation, was roughly wiping away tears that welled up from frustration. The corners of his eyes turned red, and tears formed in droplets.

“Ugh…”

Eunseong’s face contorted as if he was about to burst into loud crying. He hit the arm he resented. He hit his arm and pounded on his chest.

“Why, why do you make me say these things, why!”

“…”

“This is my first time too. Liking someone, wanting someone like this—it’s all my first time!”

After shouting and hitting him repeatedly, his hands slowed and lost strength as he tired, and finally he buried his forehead in Yoo Siwoon’s stiff shoulder.

“Why do you keep making me feel hurt… Why do you keep… trying to push me away? You do like me. You do like me, don’t you?”

“…”

“It’s because there’s something I haven’t told you… something I couldn’t talk about.”

His sobbing voice resonated in Yoo Siwoon’s chest. As Eunseong’s breathing calmed while clinging to his chest, trying to collect his emotions, Yoo Siwoon grasped his tear-streaked cheeks with both hands and lifted his face.

Their eyes met through Eunseong’s blurred vision.

“What is it… that you couldn’t tell me?”

“…Well, that’s, I mean… that.”

“You don’t have to say it.”

“…”

“Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, so don’t say it. It’s okay not to.”

Yoo Siwoon, who had been gazing endlessly at the face held in his hands, tilted his head. His lips touched Eunseong’s cheek. He could taste the salty tears. His lips, which had been rubbing against the wet cheek, moved to Eunseong’s lips.

He swallowed the intermittently trembling breath that was trying to hold back tears, opened his mouth, and explored inside. Soon, lips that had forgotten their sadness absently followed him, rubbing and pressing against his lips, opening wide to swallow his tongue.

They continued the deep, passionate kiss with increasingly heavy breathing. Holding the back of Yoo Siwoon’s hand that was cupping his cheeks, Eunseong closed his eyes and surrendered to the hot breath.

The tongue that pushed inside began to devour Eunseong more urgently and intensely. Eunseong grunted for breath, not even aware that his body was being lifted. The sensation of hot, soft wetness thoroughly licking the mucous membranes inside his mouth and sucking in saliva intensely stimulated his sexual senses.