The Unbelievers

Chapter 98

“Oh, this? It’s not because it hurts but because it’s too visible. Director Nam might notice right away. He’s very perceptive, you know.”

Eunseong explained nervously, afraid Siwoon might think he’d covered it because the wound hurt. Siwoon threw away the removed bandage. His thumb slowly but firmly caressed the area.

“So what if he notices?”

“…Is that really okay?”

Eunseong turned to look at him. Siwoon was intently examining the mark on his neck.

“Oh, is it not allowed? Touching my nephew… would that look strange?”

“…”

“Because we’re not supposed to be doing these things.”

“…Director Nam knows I like you. But he told me not to expect you to like me back, that I shouldn’t have any expectations. He said you’re like a Buddha amidst temptation.”

“Well. I’ve failed to meet expectations.”

He muttered dryly with a flat exclamation.

“If Director Nam ever finds out about us, I’ll tell him it was all my doing. That you said no, but I insisted and that’s how this… this happened.”

“We don’t need to justify ourselves to him. Or to anyone.”

“…”

“We don’t need to explain ourselves to anyone.”

Eunseong was confused. They were clearly blood relatives. Even though distantly related, blood was blood. Strangely, he hadn’t felt this way when Siwoon was refusing him, but now that Siwoon was saying they didn’t need to care about anyone else or explain themselves to anyone, Eunseong felt like he was doing something wrong. He felt like he was committing a sin.

“Have you ever been to New York?”

“Me? I’ve never even been to Jeju Island. I’ve never been on a plane. During middle school, there was a class trip to Jeju, but I didn’t go.”

“Why didn’t you go?”

“Just… because.”

“Just because why? You should have gone.”

He asked curiously. His expression made it difficult to guess why Eunseong hadn’t gone. It didn’t seem like he hadn’t wanted to go. After hesitating, Eunseong told the truth. He knew Siwoon didn’t particularly like these kinds of stories, but he didn’t want to lie.

“Just… I didn’t feel comfortable asking my dad for money. He doesn’t like it when I talk about money.”

“…”

Siwoon took a deep breath as if controlling his anger. He looked at Eunseong with the kindest voice and eyes possible and asked:

“We can go to Jeju later, but would you like to go to New York with me instead?”

“…If we’re going to New York, I’m fine never going to Jeju Island.”

“Will you come with me?”

“Yes, I want to go with you. I’ll go. As long as it’s with you, anywhere is fine.”

His arms came around and embraced Eunseong. The warmth of his body heat pressed against Eunseong’s back, and lips approached his ear, holding him in the embrace with a precious, affectionate—no, an even hotter and more emotional sensation—as he asked:

“When should we go?”

“Umm… soon. As soon as possible.”

“Why do you want to go so quickly?”

“It’s stifling here. You don’t let me go out, or call my friends… You say no to everything.”

“It might be the same there. I won’t let you go out, won’t let you meet friends, and will say no to everything.”

“Who will?”

Eunseong asked in surprise, thinking he meant Director Nam would be coming too. The arms embracing him tightened around his torso. Eunseong started to feel breathless. He placed his hands on the arms that were holding him suffocatingly tight.

“Me.”

“You, ahjussi?”

“Yes, me. I might not let you go out, not let you meet friends… might not let you do anything.”

“Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“No, it’s not.”

He didn’t understand what was supposed to be obvious. Eunseong twisted his upper body inside the arms that were tightening to the point of discomfort. When he hunched his shoulders and squirmed as if trying to escape, the constricting arms tightened even more firmly.

This situation of Siwoon gripping him was unfamiliar but not unpleasant. Moreover, his voice kept whispering with his lips against Eunseong’s ear, making his spine tingle and his heart race as if his emotions were heightening.

“You said we should kiss at least once a day.”

“…Yes. I said we should do it at least once a day… ah, ahjussi.”

“We should kiss at least once a day.”

“But, ahjussi, you said you were conservative… you said it would take a long time.”

“Do you dislike me being like this?”

“…It’s not that I dislike it, it’s not that.”

Eunseong twisted his upper body, trying to escape his embrace. Siwoon loosened his arms and pulled away. His large hand caressed Eunseong’s reddened neck.

“Ahjussi, you’ve suddenly become strange, you’ve been strange since yesterday.”

“Director Nam said the same thing. That I’m strange. That I’m different from usual.”

“Director Nam did too? See? You’ve really changed.”

“I’m exactly the same as usual. I’ve just become honest.”

“…”

The man who had always been careful and guarded when touching him was now refusing to remove his hands from Eunseong’s body. Siwoon’s hand moved from Eunseong’s neck to cup his cheek as he turned to look at him.

“Should I stop being honest?”

“…”

“Should I become trash, or should I keep pretending?”

“…”

“I want to stop pretending now. I’ve held back too much… it’s hard to hold back anymore. I can’t believe how I managed to restrain myself with you in front of me. I can’t believe I was going to just let you go, that I was going to do something so crazy.”

“…”

“If I had kept holding back… if I had turned away from you completely and sent you abroad, what would have happened?”

“…”

“I’m not the only one who can recognize you. Why… why did I overlook that?”

The fact that others could take Eunseong away from him, that he knew better than anyone what Eunseong’s existence meant to them—yet Siwoon had turned away like a blind man wearing the shell of a non-believer, covering his eyes.

That Siwoon now understood. He had finally removed the shell covering his eyes and gained sight. He had come to see the truth.

Eunseong instinctively knew what he was trying to say. Siwoon was saying he wanted to sleep with him today. With eyes that had realized something irreversible, with such aggressive eyes, he was encouraging Eunseong to do it with him. The openly displayed desire from a man who was like a Buddha amidst temptation made Eunseong’s insides churn.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying. Who would recognize me?”

“I should have recognized you… I almost made a terrible mistake. I almost… almost let you go.”

“I don’t understand… I don’t understand what you’re saying, ahjussi.”

His arms tightened around Eunseong’s torso. He was unconsciously using force, squeezing tightly as if refusing to let go. Eunseong twisted in his embrace and pushed against Siwoon’s chest. His breathing became urgent as he felt suffocated.

“You don’t know how terrifying it is that I was about to do such a thing… to let you go.”

“Ahjussi… wait a moment. Just wait. It hurts.”

“Now I know what that feeling is like… I know it so well.”

How it feels to meet one’s wife, what kind of fulfillment there is—the moment of recognizing the Great Gap, as if spiritual eyes were opened, everything that constituted Siwoon collapsed and was dismantled, then rebuilt anew, completely anew.

Eunseong, feeling pain from the force of the embrace, said with difficulty:

“…Ahjussi, you’re scaring me.”

“…”

“I’m scared. You’re scaring me.”

His eyes, which had seemed out of his mind, looked at Eunseong as if seeing him anew, then crumpled in dismay. He reflected on what he had said and all the actions he had done, sticking to Eunseong and touching his skin. Siwoon hastily removed his hands and stepped back.

“Ah, I’m sorry.”

“…”

“I’m sorry. I was… I think I was cra-, crazy.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

Siwoon, who had been clinging and seducing like a male in heat frustrated from not mating, backed away maintaining a vast distance.

Leaving Eunseong standing there looking at him awkwardly, Siwoon fled the place.

∞ ∞ ∞

After Siwoon, who had said he was staying home sick, hurriedly left, Eunseong waited for him in the empty house all day. He watched TV in the living room until after 10 PM. He kept changing channels like someone with anxiety, but Siwoon neither returned home nor contacted him.

He turned off the TV, went to his room, and locked the door in a pointless act of rebellion, even though Siwoon never entered without permission.

Eunseong had become aware of his own sexual desire because of his distant uncle. He knew well what it felt like to have sexual desire for a man, and how difficult it was to resist when that person liked him back with the same feelings. He had already anticipated from the previous night that Siwoon would not be able to hold back forever.

After sighing deeply, Eunseong went into the bathroom. He undressed to take a shower. Passing by the mirror, he stopped and looked at his plain private parts.

“…”

He had seen Siwoon naked before. His lower body was very robust and complete. He had everything he should between his legs. Thick body hair not only covered his lower body but also formed a line along his navel, and his dick, though not erect, had a distinct outline and volume hanging down, with healthy testicles firmly attached on both sides.

But Eunseong had no body hair, no testicles, and his dick was extremely meager. Compared to him, it was shabby and insignificant.