The Terminally-Ill Lord Desires Hospice Care

A few days after the small incident in the dining hall, the butler entered my study in the morning carrying a fancy dress uniform.

“I didn’t know you had a hobby of buying such clothes for yourself.”
“Of course not, my lord. This old man would never wear such a precious outfit.”
“I don’t think there are age limits when it comes to fashion.”
“Certainly there are no age limits for fashion. But there are class limits when it comes to imperial banquets, are there not?”
“A banquet…?”
“Did I not inform you earlier? Today is the Victory Commemoration banquet. If I recall correctly, you said you would attend, my lord.”

I don’t quite remember saying that, but if the butler says so, then it must be true.
“…I have no choice, I suppose.”
“The young miss and your mother will also be attending. It would be troubling for them if you did not go, my lord.”
“Or perhaps the opposite. The moment I, the disgrace of our family, accompanies them, they will be the ones feeling uncomfortable.”
“My lord…”
“So prepare a separate carriage for me. Have a large one readied for them. As uncomfortable as it may be, a small one will suffice for me.”

The moment I enter alongside them, my mother and sister will be subjected to cold stares from others. It would be better they receive those cold stares with me instead.
I am far too accustomed to those cold stares from them by now.

“…While I cannot avoid attending, at least have my attire properly prepared.”
“Yes, I have also prepared the fur coat you will be wearing, my lord.”

Anyone unaware would think I was insane. Who would wear a fur coat in this sweltering heat? When even our undershirts are made as light as possible, who would wear such a thick fur coat?
But for me, doing all I can to avoid heat despite the cicadas’ droning outside, it was an unavoidable measure.

“Will one be enough?”
“…Prepare two.”
“Are you truly not going to inform the young miss and your mother about your condition…?”
“Hearing news about me would be nothing but a waste of time for them. I am aware of that fact, but… I do not wish to personally experience their reactions.”

There is a big difference between knowing and actually experiencing something. While I can imagine their reactions, I do not wish to witness them with my own eyes.
For I too am but a coward who does not wish to be hurt.

“…Butler, please summon someone to assist me in changing clothes and a maid to do my makeup. Also, instruct them to keep quiet.”
“Understood.”

I needed someone to properly arrange my haggard appearance so it would not show, and someone to apply makeup to conceal my paleness that has worsened compared to before.
If it were my family, they would surely notice how much worse my condition has become. But I cannot have my friends noticing that.

“How sad, that I must deceive even my friends.”
“You do it out of consideration for them. Please do not feel too guilty, my lord.”
“Thank you.”

There was one consolation to this melancholy banquet. I could meet in one place those I would normally have to visit separately to convey my intentions.
At least I could save what little time I had left, which was fortunate.
Yes, that’s how I should think of it.

The sky just before sunset was quite unsightly. At least, that’s what I thought. My mother and sister had departed first by carriage, and I followed behind in a smaller one.

The time spent checking the carriage floor while wrapped in the thick fur coat was neither boring nor interesting.
It was simply spent pondering what stain on the floor resembled what. An equally meaningless activity, but it was my attempt to pass the time without feeling bored.

“We have arrived, my lord.”
As the carriage door opened, I gripped the cane I had placed on the opposite seat and disembarked.
The sound of my cane was louder than my footsteps, drawing people’s attention.

“He has graced us with his presence at the emperor’s invitation.”
Even the servants welcoming guests seemed quite surprised at my appearance.
“…Were you planning to call for the host just to open the door?”
“Ah, no, of course not. We simply did not expect you to appear in person… I assure you, we meant no disrespect.”
“I don’t…”

I understood their situation. They did not expect me to come, and were hardly pleased to face me, someone they wished to avoid. I could understand that completely.
Which is why I did not wish to see them debase themselves with excuses.
I disliked forcing anyone to wring out excuses to preserve some sense of authority. For I did not wish to be that authoritarian type of person.

“I dislike conversations filled with forced excuses.”
“It will not happen again…!”
There was no need for him to bow so deeply in apology.
“Rest assured.”
“Pardon…?”
“There will be no ‘next time’ for us.”

For after today, I had no intentions of attending imperial banquets again.
“Ah…”
Leaving him slumped over, as if the strength had left his legs, I made my way into the banquet hall.
And the one announcing the arrival of important guests called out my title loudly.

“One of the five heroes who led us to victory in the Great War, and the lord of the Berger family – Lord Raul Berger has arrived!”

I did not prefer such noisy entrances, which were really just a nuisance to others. Everyone seemed uncomfortable, taking steps back, their cheerful faces turning stiff.
I had intended to just make a quiet appearance, but this only caused trouble for both sides.
And I felt a revulsion towards the name this person had announced. My name in the ancient tongue meant ‘hope of life’, and my surname ‘beloved surroundings’ – neither of which I currently possessed. Having a name like that was nothing but deception. If I think about it, I might as well have no name at all.

“With what face does he show himself here…”
“Shh, or he’ll hear you. He got my comrades and subordinates killed, you think I’ll let him be if he hears?”
“The emperor was unwise to acknowledge such a man as a hero.”
“He was the emperor’s close friend, so he had no choice but to give him a seat here. If not for that, His Majesty would have taken his head.”

What are these people overlooking, I wonder? The fact that their voices are loud enough to be heard by me? Or the fact that my hearing is still perfectly fine?
Or perhaps they know both those facts, and are simply mocking me.
Not that I particularly cared either way. I was well aware there were those who thought that way, and the words were no different from what I expected to hear today.

“…Excuse me.”
I addressed a servant busily carrying drinks.
“Y-Yes? What is it…?”
“I wish to be guided to a resting area. Can you tell me the quietest place?”
“But the party has only just begun, will you not enjoy it a while longer…?”
“I am tired. I wish to rest my eyes, if only for a bit.”

While I could not actually sleep, spending time counting numbers with my eyes closed would at least make time feel like it was passing a bit faster.
“I…I see. I will show you the way.”

He was trying his best to maintain a smile, but I could see the irritation behind that expression. Yet his efforts to conceal that did not anger me, only made me feel pity.

“This is the area farthest from the hall, so it should be the quietest… but it may be a bit uncomfortable. Is that alright?”

It was a rather small room, though clean. By size alone it might even be smaller than the rooms the maids use in my mansion.
“It will suffice.”
I handed him a silver coin. His disappointed look at it not being a gold coin was apparent, but he maintained his smile as he bowed in thanks.

Quite the professional, putting so much effort into concealing his feelings. His professionalism was admirable enough that I felt like applauding him – and I mean that sincerely, not mockingly.

“Phew…”
After sending him away, I quietly sat myself in the corner by the fireplace. Burying my face between my knees, I stared into the darkness.
The time distortion in that darkness opened my airway, if only slightly. I wished to drift in this darkness until the banquet ended.

But my wish was ruthlessly shattered by the unwelcome intruders.

“Hey, you drunk bastard! Not drinking again, just squatting in some corner acting all high and mighty?”
“Haah…you have no semblance of decorum. It seems you’ve forgotten you’re the scion of a noble family.”
“…Your Majesty. Entering without knocking is also lacking in decorum, is it not?”

My eyes, now accustomed to the darkness, could clearly make out who they were.
“…Leave.”
At the very least, while trying to rest, I did not wish to face anyone.
Just as my eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness and preferred it, I too had grown accustomed to being alone and wished to remain so.

“You’ve grown quite bold, Count Berger, to dare give the emperor an order.”
“…Would you kindly take your leave, Your Majesty?”

Perhaps it was because of how casually I used to address them in my childhood that we now referred to each other not by name, but by the titles attached to them. Yes, it is quite a sad state of affairs.

“Haha, the count seems to be in a foul mood today.”
My title was not count.
“…..”
I buried my face between my knees once more.
“Count, let me ask you something…”

If it was another pointless concern, I intended to answer with silence.
“Are you perhaps menstruating? For a man to menstruate would be unheard of.”

And the moment those words reached my ears, an explosive shattering sound filled the small room as if my ears were being torn apart.
If I had to pinpoint the cause of that shattering sound, it would likely be the fault of the emperor and myself.
For I had swung the cane I had discarded, and the emperor had blocked my attack with the sword at his waist.

“…Is this not an attempted assassination of the emperor, Count?”
“Rest assured. It will soon no longer be an ‘attempted’ one.”

I was serious. At the very least, I did not possess enough wit to jest in such a situation.
It was not that I was angry. I had simply not tightened the leash of reason enough to restrain my naturally moving body.
For at least in front of them, I could loosen that leash of reason.
Yes, that was simply the nature of our relationship.