The Simpsons: Bart

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***

With tears in her eyes, Jessica told what I'm sure was a hundred per cent true story. Excluding the boring details, the gist of it was that one day she was being harassed on the street, she went to a police officer, and then the guys who had been harassing her started chasing her, demanding 'damages'.

- Is that true? - Without much enthusiasm, I turned to the harassers.

- What?! Of course not! It's true that we hooked her up with her friends on the street, but she's the one who divorced us. Flirting all over us, complimenting us on our clothes and food. - and why do I believe it more?

- I didn't! I didn't pull anything out of you! You spent it yourself!

- So you don't deny that you've been scamming them for money? - Lovejoy looked away. I see.

Some people never change, I suppose? Though I suppose the only way Jessica can change is to get into this kind of trouble and face the consequences.

- By the way, is that why we met today? It wasn't an accident, was it? - I mean, it's pretty hard to believe that she met her ex-boyfriend that she's wrestling on the same day that the bullies were waiting for her. It's not like we're in a fanfic really. More planning would explain Jessica's overly subdued behaviour today.

- Bart, don't you believe me?! - Lovejoy looked at me with her mouth wide open and disbelief in her eyes.

- ...No.

- After everything that's happened between us? - kissing my cheek and holding my hand? And don't look at me with your pseudo-Angel face, I'm not a boy anymore, I'm a man!

- Anyway, you two sort it out, I'll be off. - I waved to the guys, turning towards my house. Jessica was spinning on the spot, she wanted to say something, but why should I risk my life and health for the sake of a manipulator?

- Are you sure? - shouted in my direction, the leader without aggression, but with a kind of relief. - We were planning to have some fun with her, and you're a nice guy, how about joining us?

I stopped abruptly for two reasons. Firstly from shock, because I never expected people to be involved in gang rape in this way. And secondly, why did you have to say that, eh...?

.....

- Patrick? - Lifting one guy up by his sweatshirt, my fist froze in front of his black eye face.

- Member of the Jessica haters number six? - The guy from the once anonymous forum also recognised me. It must have been a stupid idea for members of an anonymous forum to have a convention....

- Mate. How did you fall for it? - I remember Patrick calling everyone who spent money on Jessica losers and simps and that the money should have been spent on his parents, on charity, on his favourite streamer in the pool.

Patrick didn't answer me. Instead, he pretended to abruptly pass out. Out of respect for our shared past, already I pretended not to notice that he was just faking it.

- Hey, that guy's still staring at us. - Jessica pointed to Patrick, who I'd gently placed on top of his mates' bodies.

- You're wrong. He's definitely unconscious.

- But now his lips are moving like he's sending curses at me.

- Jessica, I'm a fighter. I know when people are unconscious, trust me. - Jessica wanted to continue the argument, but I flatly shook my head, so instead of commenting on Patrick's tears and sending kisses in Jessica's direction, Lovejoy said:

- Thanks for helping me Bart. You're so cool... - Tilting her head, Jessica touched my chest and shoulders, with the excuse of cleaning the dust and signs of the fight off them.

- Don't. - But I grabbed Lovejoy's wrists sharply, making the smile evaporate from her face. - Again, I have a girlfriend. And I only helped you because I have a mum and two sisters.

The thought that Mum, Lisa and even more so Maggie could have been attacked makes my blood boil. Whatever problems we have in our relationship, I still don't want them to get hurt. So when the moron announced his intentions, I couldn't help but put the people I care about in Jessica's place and just walk away without doing anything. And it's not because I used to like her, okay?!

- So you didn't do it for me? - Surprisingly, my affirmative nod made Jessica smile. - Then I won't have a guilty conscience either....

- Wh-what? - First of all, Jessica has a conscience?! And secondly. - While I was fighting, you were filming on your phone?!

- Yeah, I had nothing else to do anyway. - What about running away?! Call for help?! - As far as I know, martial artists don't get a pass for getting into street fights.

That's true. In self-defence, you may not be punished. But for voluntary participation in a fight, you can be suspended for a very long time. Given the way the wrestling training system works in America, by the time you get back, you may be no good to anyone. So if the video gets out, my dream of winning the Olympics becomes unattainable.

- What do you want? - so I had no choice but to grit my teeth and clench my fists and give myself over to Lovejoy.

- You won't even try to grab the phone? Ah. I wanted to see the look on your face, Bart, when I heard the video was saved in the cloud. - And he's mocking me?! He's the devil himself. - Relax, I won't ask for much. All I need is--

.....

So I became personal bodyguard to Jessica Lovejoy, who was worried about repeated harassment, and especially assault. Omitting the blackmail, the conditions weren't all that bad, as all she asked was that I walk her home from school....

Although, knowing Jessica. Somehow I think the pool of trouble I'm in is only going to get bigger.

Well, let's leave the witches behind, preferably in a swamp in a locked chest. The rest of the day, I continued to prepare for the Group B tournament. Which didn't include any of the guys I'd ever fought. Which was a little stressful.

The week of training flew by and nervously, as I continued to feel underprepared. Coach Engle was asking about whether I wanted to drop out and come back for the next one, in two. However, the more I missed ranking bouts, the lower I could sink.

So, with nerves, uncertainty and other bad feelings, I headed to the....

- Go, Bart! - shouted from the audience by Jessica.

- Tz. - which caused Terry's jealousy, during which time Sherry waved at me.

- Go, Bart! - I wonder if Becky missed any of my performances. Who knew there were schoolgirls in the world who liked wrestling so much?

- Mm-hmm! - poor Terry can't decide whether to stare at the higher-seeing Lovejoy or the lower-seeing Shorter.

- Bart, I love you! - Milhouse also gave her a nervous tic.

- And why is this competition being held in my gym? - I turned to the sky, hiding my embarrassment at having such a large fan base.

.....

Despite the extraneous noise, I managed to pull myself together, and I won. In the first round. With a minute to go. For the first time since I've been competing, I thought to myself:

'I'm a pretty good fighter, aren't I?'

In the end, I decided to have a bit of fun and took Terry out for a walk..... Which naturally meant that her sister would come along, and Milhouse would follow....

- What are you doing here? - I glanced at Lovejoy, who was sitting on my right hand, and whose presence was making Terry's mood fray.

- I just wanted to congratulate her on her victory. - Jessica smiled wryly, clearly enjoying the fact that no one was happy to see her, and then, 'Mm-hmm.

Kissed me on the cheek.

Terry clutched my shoulder with an iron grip at the same second. Adding to the damage I've done to my body today.

- Bart, I've been thinking. - thank God, Milhouse! As fate would have it, friends always come to the rescue. - You're pretty popular, aren't you? Terry, what's your ninth girlfriend?

Damn you, you bespectacled, calculating jock!

- Jessica was your first girlfriend, wasn't she? - trying to list all my relationships, Van Houten clearly has something against me, something he wants me dead for!

- Wow, so I was Bart's first? - Jessica's also adding fuel to the fire by putting her arm around me and poking me on the cheek with a smile.

And the iron grip keeps tightening.

- Oh, no! That's right you dated Sarah before her, who was also teased for being tall and horse-faced! - Milhouse remembered, as if nothing had happened.

Which took me a couple of minutes to remember too. For obvious reasons, it was easy to get Sarah - a couple of times in her defence and it was done. Sarah wasn't so bad herself, a rather sweet and vulnerable girl who liked picking flowers more than putting on make-up. But how boring she was! She was like a teacher always missing the sea.

The last thing I said to her when I started dating Jessica was to call her long and boring..... Yeah. Will the 'I was ten' defence of being called a scumbag work in this case?

Not likely...

Well, divine punishment is now being administered by my girlfriend, Terry McLberry, trying to rip my shoulder off, and my ex, Jessica Lovejoy, who has somehow started to mottle my right arm.

- Hey, Bart, why are you crying? - I got a guy with a potato nose that needs a brick.

- It's nothing like that. I was just thinking how much I care about you, my best friend.

- Ha-ha-ha, don't give me that, Bart. Just thinking about your first love, Laura? You always said you'd never forget her. - I'd strangle Van Houten if my hands weren't trying to separate my body.

.....

Talking about the fact that after I walked Sherry home, not only did I not get a kiss, but she nearly broke my nose with the door is not worth mentioning. But I might mention that the door situation was repeated with Jessica.

I, on the other hand, hitting pebbles along the way, headed home. Really thinking about my previous relationship. About the feelings that Laura had evoked. About what he'd done to Sarah. Remembering all the things Gina and Sean had put me through. There were the two girls that Milhouse and I rammed down each other's throats. Weirdo Nikki, who I still don't know if she liked me at all. Sweet Mary, Alison.

- I hope they're doing well now. - with a smile, looking up at the stars, came out of my mouth all by itself.

But I do hope they manage to find the one that will make them truly happy. They remembered me as the good girls I just wasn't right for.

- Though who would be suited for a loser anyway...?