The Simpsons: Bart

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***

Sex is a beautiful thing.

After my first time with Terry, we started having sex almost every day. We tried different positions, locations, and other experiments. Of course, sometimes Terry wouldn't let it all lead to sex, some positions caused her to cramp, and some experiments caused me to fall....

- Bart, you're so ugly! - screamed at me in a wig and clothes that made her look like Lisa. - You need to study more...

- Erm... I guess? - who would have thought that the female brain could come up with an even more perverse fantasy than playing daddy...?

- If something's keeping you from learning, just say so! - Terri grabbed my thigh with an angry look. - Oh, you're so tense. Maybe I can help you de-stress, bro.

Firstly, Lisa has never, in my memory, called me bro, therefore not canon! Secondly, how could anyone stand up to their own sister? Especially a Zubrila?! And third, I'm starting to get a little creeped out by this shift in Terry's character, who's starting to resemble Sherry more and more every day.

- Bart, why are you standing halfway up?

- Age?

- You're not even twenty! - from Terry's disgruntled and angry look, I averted mine.

The answer to my second question followed my silence. Blowjobs are everything. I felt even more guilty when it was over than when I'd jerked off to some hardcore hentai with screams for help and a tragic ending.

- Bart, what's the matter? - After getting hers, the beast returned to her innocent self, pulling on a woollen, long purple jumper.

- Look, can we stop playing incest games? - I plucked up the courage to talk honestly about sex with my girlfriend. I wonder if there's a more awkward topic of conversation.

- Bart... - Terry gave me a cold, dead stare. - I know you read fanfics, and they're more than half filled with incest.

There it is! A more shameful topic! Somebody give me a shovel to dig under, and I don't care if it's the first floor!!!

- And-and-and you read them? - I still have a chance to get out unharmed.

- No, I don't like other people's wet fantasies, I have my own. - That's the end of it. Maybe I should break up with her and never see her again. - But I'm not judging you, we all have our own interests.

- Marry me. - Without wasting a second, I got down on one knee.

- Huh? So all it takes to convince a man to marry you is a blow job and acceptance of his hobbies? - What can I say, Terry, we're simple creatures. - Anyway... I already bought a wig for Lisa and Maggie.

- Are you trying to defame my little sister in my mind, too?! - Well, the youngest, but whatever. She's just a baby. I don't mean that, I mean literally. Shit, Terrina's schizo is starting to get to me too.

- Well, in general, yeah. Why? Incest is my fetish. - and mine are tits and arseholes, normal, internationally recognised by the International Fetish Commission!

- Then maybe I should play your dad.

- Gross. - with her tongue hanging out, Terry's face contorted. - I'm loading my underwear separately from his, and you want to.... Bart, keep your perverted tendencies in check.

- You're one to talk! Haa. Then I should do Sherry, huh?

- You're not so good with your fingers yet. - ...

...

...

- What?

-Home-

...

...

- Bart, what are you doing?! - Lisa ran up to me, pushing me to the side. - Milk all over the table!

I don't know why, but the whole table was covered in milk, and Lisa was using a cloth and napkins to try to clean it up. My suspect in the spilled milk case was either Homer, for he is Homer, or Maggie, for a child could easily spill it and run away.

Either way, the milk carton in my right hand is empty, so I should throw it away and drink the full glass.

- What the hell has gotten into you?! - Lisa's question took me back in time. To a memory that shocked me so much that .

...

...

- Stop hanging out! - As if trying to eat my face, Lisa opened her mouth wide in front of me and screamed at the top of her lungs. -So what happened, huh?

- I think I broke the cardinal rule of manhood... - Deciding to consult someone, I left Lisa in the kitchen with a complicated, uncomprehending face.

.....

- Milhouse, I broke a cardinal male rule.

- Who doesn't? We've all pissed against the wind, just change your trousers or let it dry. - Van Houten clapped me on the shoulder enthusiastically, with a thumbs up and a bright smile.

- Not that cardinal rule of manhood!

.....

- Coach Engle, I broke the cardinal rule of manhood. - Deciding that Milhouse couldn't help me anyway, I decided to turn to someone with life experience and who I respect.

- You what?! - Coach Engle got up out of his chair, looking more like a bear than a man. - You slept with my wife?!

- How many ground rules do we have!!!

.....

- I screwed a nut job. - and my counsellor ended up being a river.

Terry told me that she and Sherry had been exploring their bodies at one point, and since they are identical twins, it was much more convenient to explore someone else's. One thing leached into the other, well, anyway. Their research ended only about two years ago. According to Terry, they both found it strange to continue caressing each other when they weren't lesbians.

Of course, when I first heard the whole story I got a hard-on and we had sex with Terry again. However, afterwards, when the blood returned to my brain. I started fantasising about a threesome with the hot twins, I got a hard-on again and further events need no description...

However, whatever hot scenario I got myself into didn't negate the weirdness of it. Probably a lot of guys would dream of being in my shoes, dating a hot and schizo girl. But things continue to keep me going, like that incident with that athlete who was stabbed in the back during a breakup by an ex.... The stories that raise a righteous laugh online about cutting off the dicks of negligent boyfriends.... Real-life scenes of women throwing tantrums like little kids over inconsequential things....

Do I think Terri is that crazy? No?.. On the other hand, before our first time, she was a complete prude and rejected any of my assaults on her body. Now she's embracing almost every idea I've ever had. Isn't that a little weird? Isn't it weird that our first time came at a time when our relationship was on the rocks? I mean, we hadn't talked for a week. I know guys whose girlfriends have had time to make up their minds and start seeing other guys. Terri, on the other hand, gave me what I wanted.

- Either I'm very lucky, or. - The thought that I should probably keep my girlfriend away from knives made me gulp

Okay. I think I'm just getting worked up over the sudden revelation of Terry's personal history. After all, thinking-I've never been good at it, but I've always been a model of how to...

- Getting into trouble. - ay caramba!

.....

Because I wasn't allowed to exercise, I had time not only to have sex with Terry, but also to spend time....

- Wow! - Maggie's eyes lit up.

- Aye-aye, Captain, where we're headed! - I put my old pirate hat on her head.

In a couple of hours, I turned my old tree house into a pirate ship, with the help of lots of sheets and pictures on the theme from various magazines, and books. Which was worth it, because Maggie immediately pulled herself in and put a plastic sword I got straight from the cellar between her teeth.

- To Tortuga! For their gold and their women! Argh! - and I think I got too involved for a nine-year-old girl.

.....

- Junga! How could you betray me?! - With tears in her eyes, Maggie pointed her sword in my direction.

- C-c-captain, have mercy! - I fell to my knees. My handkerchief eye patch had come undone.

- Ah! So you've had an eye all these thirty-nine years of sailing together?!

- Captain? What do you think we've been eating and drinking if we've been sailing for so long? - I couldn't help but react to my sister's childish directness. Kids are pretty cute creatures after all.

- We used to slaughter dolphins and drink their blood, don't you remember? - ...nine-year-olds are scary! - Never mind! Now it's time for you to walk the plank!

The plank went right to the exit of the lodge. I turned around, saw the ground a few metres away.

- Have mercy, please! - I fell into Maggie's lap.

- No!' She swung her sabre at my throat.

I jumped to my feet, feigning asphyxiation, and staggered along the cabin, grunting loudly. I hit the walls and ceiling a couple of times, realising that it really hurt to grow up. Then he sprinted and jumped out of the cabin, the last thing Bart beardless heard was the sound of his captain catching his breath.

- Bart! - With a frightened face, Maggie peeked out behind me.

- Yo! - shaking the grass off my knees, I waved to my sister.

Guy B from the gym should've warned me my back would hurt on the somersaults. Goddamn parkour guys!

.....

On my evening run, I felt bad about my ill-considered jump that could have cost me not only months out of the sport, but the end of my career altogether. It's long past time for me to get my head on straight....

- Ha-ha-ha-ha. - I was reminded of Maggie, who immediately asked me to do another jump like that.

Kids are beautiful, aren't they? They don't need much to be happy, they are interested in everything and their eyes are eager to meet the future, which they see as even more exciting than the present. Perhaps childhood is the only time when we can be truly happy. When all you need to be happy is a jar, a branch and a rubber band, and a rock projectile.

- When was the last time I did that? - I stopped and found someone's homemade slingshot.

I thought to myself, why not? Next I found a pebble, and from the bin I got an empty soda can. Then I spent half an hour trying to hit it from three metres away.

- Ha, my hands still remember! - I succeeded for the hundred and eightieth time.

Actually, now that I think about it. Aren't I happy? I've got a hot girlfriend, a family, a roof over my head, a favourite pastime and most importantly, a goal. To make it to the Olympics. Although I'd be happy to get an athletic scholarship to college....

- In a week, right? - the B-category tournaments I've been relegated to due to injury. - Well, Bart Simpson will show you!

- Oh, Bart? - I heard a voice that made my heart stop. - It was you. And with a slingshot in your hand, just like you're supposed to. You never change, do you?

- Jessica?