The Love They Never Had

Snow had covered the plum blossoms that Yeon had been trying to grow outside of the brothel that she refused to leave for whatever reason she had been stubborn about for the past 2 years. For so many years now I had found winter to be unnecessarily harsh and cruel to the lonely people like myself despite all that I had achieved. I was no longer a downtrodden, isolated and bullied illegitimate child in the face of Confucius laws that ran this land and the law in which every person was measured, despite their backgrounds. I had a woman, even though my shallow feelings had ended for her as soon as she gave me a chance, I had a position in the palace that she leeched off of and I had money that she very nearly used up. But the irony was that she didn't help me achieve anything I had, so who was she to use everything I had without working for it? It wasn't like she didn't know who I was, how I was raised and what my values were. As a woman who was raised in a brothel, she didn't have any idea how to be a wife and contribute her share at all. The bright, bold and vivacious young woman I had met all of those years ago had now turned into everything I had survived against in my own caste. And when I had made it known to her, I got nothing but hell in return...

"Your...mistress has sold almost everything that you own in your absence, including..." "including what? Do not tell me that she..." "unfortunately, she did go into your mother's quarters and stripped it bare. Everything that the true mistress of that room spent so much time trying to find for you, she really did take it all to the pawnshop after you made her believe that you are now penniless after your last argument...your master? Are you well? I apologise, I really did try everything in my power to stop her disloyal intent, but she..." "...she lords herself as the mistress of my household before I can even think about marrying her. What else has she pawned off?" "Jewelries, farmlands, the shops that you have investments in. And I did try, young master, but I simply couldn't buy them back, they were too expensive." I was really trying my hardest to restrain my impulsive anger, but I had well and truly landed myself into something toxic, manipulative and abusive and I had only myself to blame for this. I should have known that falling for a kisaeng (courtesan) girl would bring me nothing but trouble, whilst the girl who was thrown into a brothel was the most intelligent ,perceptive, able yet delicate creature I had ever come across. I knew that I had a lot of sins to pay for, but I really didn't think I could be anymore miserable than I was in that moment and for all the years I had to take care of a grown woman who refused to take care of herself.

"Ever since you retracted her servants a year ago; she would hide items everyday after you would leave for work, and would buy items when she would browse the local marketplace." "Is she meeting any men?" "Plenty of them but they are most likely her old clients from her old brothel place. But I haven't witnessed any flirtatious behaviour, so I have no reason or evidence to provide you so you can just be done with her once and for all." "She has already gone around the entire kingdom on my arm and had even followed me on my work trips. You know this more than anyone. How many times has she tried to take over my work and insert her own uneducated opinions in front of my colleagues?" "So why haven't you ended this relationship and find someone to settle down with? Maybe you can..." "Can what exactly?" "You should bring the woman who has been dwelling in your heart to your home and by your side where she belongs." "It isn't as easy you think you know, I have been trying..." "Her pain is starting to drive a wedge between two hearts and that isn't right. And in the meantime, we are stuck serving a woman who is actively trying to destroy all of your hard work for her own personal gain." That statement alone should have broken my heart or given me any type of pain, but I have been numb for so long, I was surprised that I could still feel the snow that had soaked me completely because my woman hadn't so much as bought me a pair of winter boots, never mind thinking to buy me a coat or even an umbrella. As a mistress of household in the Goreyo Dynasty, it was her duty to look after me and she couldn't even take the time out of her life to think about my well-being. I had just come home from a month long trip with the other scholars from the palace at the very moment that my maid had come up to me and made a report of Hui-Jee's whereabouts before I had the chance to take my now soaked shoes off. I had tried to walk into the kitchen to get some food, but more fool me for thinking there would be anything left for me in my own home. The kitchens were completely emptied out and I could only think that Hui-Jee had been entertaining guests that she could no longer afford to keep up with despite my constant warnings that I wanted nothing to do with the elite families that I was surrounded with outside of work. But she had never listened to me before, so why would I expect her to change her stubborn and hard-headed nature?

"Is there any possibility that..." "Young Master! We have all seen her sneaking out of the home when she sends us servants elsewhere! And please do not mind me from saying this, but no matter how big or small a problem is, avoiding it will only prolong the pain. You have treated her well, better than she deserves in fact. But we are all miserable in her presence and can no longer take such mistreatment from a woman who had a lowlier background than us. And if you still cannot make a decision, then you should personally follow her tomorrow and see for yourself!"

I was so exhausted and hungry that I didn't even bother to say anything more, let alone check in on my woman. So I turned right around and I headed out to the one place where I knew I could find even a shred of warmth and affection, even if I didn't fully deserve it yet. But I was looked after and treated well, more than I could have ever have imagined in this lifetime. I had good food, good drinks, I always got the seat by the fireplace...and I had her in my sight, even if she always didn't have the time to keep me company. I knew that it was going to be hard to regain her trust again after everything we had both put each other through over the years, but she was worth it, and I wasn't going to let her go. I had started coming here as soon as she did and I had never left, even if she didn't always see me. But how could she when she was constantly running around and doing her own errands as if she didn't have an entire brothel at her disposal. She had a hand in the meals that were cooked here, the cleaning that her new employees did, sewing clothes so she could save money on the kisaeng's education, making their perfumes, essential oils and other cosmetics from scratch and making sure that everyone else had what they needed before she could even begin to take care of herself as always...

Her stubbornness was going to ruin her, and not just her. Seo Yeon was a woman who deserved to be taken care of, she deserved all of the love and affection that a man...husband could give her. She deserved to have a home and look after it, with children running amok at her feet. She deserved the jewels, the nice new dresses and she deserved to be shown off on the arm of the man who would protect her the way that she protects everyone else, no matter what it cost her. She didn't deserve to be in a place like this, no matter how many changes she had made to the entire neighbourhood. Brothel's were always a place of ill-repute for every woman who was thrown in her, and the person who did that to Yeon knew that. And even if she was lucky enough not to have her reputation maligned by luck, this was not the place for her, no matter how much she wanted to help the outcast women with their injustices. She had already secured them with an education, teaching them other skills that they could rely on; such as sewing, embroidery, cooking and cleaning, and she made these kisaengs into women that noble men wanted on their arms with for their charms and intellect. But she had done more than enough for those people who were not even related to her. And she hadn't done anything to make up for the hurt and confusion that she left me in, and that wasn't right at all. I wasn't going to let her hide her pretty little head anymore, and it was time for her to come home-with me. And unfortunately, today wasn't an ordinary day where I could just stare at her to my heart's content.

I could not, should not and and I refused to carry on my life with a woman who was actively trying to destroy me before she moved onto her next target. And I couldn't let that happen either. Yeon's brother, my only best friend already had a lot on his plate, and he was completely off limits to any minxes that wanted what he had worked so hard for. But no matter how angry she made me, she was a woman and I could not and would not put my hands on her. But I knew who could do it on my behalf. What I had found out today had really pushed me beyond my limits and I was sick of it. I wanted to stop feeling so uncomfortable and neglected in my own home, I wanted to stop being embarrassed everywhere I went by someone who thought she knew everything all of the time...I just wanted some peace and tranquility in my life before I did what I was forced to do...

And sure enough, she showed up again as soon as I had started to think about her, and she was still just as beautiful and radiant as the first day we were re-introduced to each other in my father's residence almost 4 years ago. The warmth and affection that she carried with her just radiated from her eyes alone, the infectious smiles that she had for every occasion, and her ever-curious mind completely enticed me and I was lost in her, just as the Chinese poet Caozhi's infatuation with Ruoshen in his work; Romance of the Three Knigdom's. But it was her scent that captured me every single time she walked by me close enough so her bright chime (wrap around skirt) would brush against my hand and her black jeogori (blouse) made her milky white skin a lot more prominent than it already was. The simultaneous straight and curved lines of her hanbok made even the smallest of her movements much more graceful and harmonious and it even accentuated her native features and slim figure that I couldn't stop thinking about every time that I had a free moment to collect my thoughts. And being here was the only time that I could relax and drop all formalities, disciplined etiquette and loosen my robes enough for me to catch my breathe.

The scent of cherry blossoms instantly made me relive all of our fond memories, our most intimate moments and my fantasies that I could no longer hide behind. Her thick and dark hair that she always played with, her gentle nature that brought out the best in people and the strength behind her love for those that she always has and will protect...and I couldn't see that until now. And I wanted the distance between us to finally come to an end...I wanted her, the woman that I should have held onto all of those years ago and chose over the monster that I had inadvertently created.

Cherry Blossoms; the flower that symbolised beauty, purity strength...and even true love. Cherry Blossoms represented Spring; a time of renewal after the cold winter and even female mystique that Yeon definitely had at her young age.

"Young Master, we have had the place quietly searched and we have come across the documents that you were looking for. But..." "But what?" "The young girl is known for her high intellect for a reason; she has written everything in Chinese instead of using our Korean Hangul." "I knew it wasn't going to be easy." "What do you want us to do?" "Stay immobilised around the brothel for now, I will return as soon as I have deciphered her diary entries and we will start from there." I gave my orders to Sung-Rok before following Yeon from a distance outside to watch the snowfall in her thin outfit that she never particularly cared for. Watching the first snowfall with a 'special friend' meant that true love will blossom between the two lucky people and I hoped and prayed with everything that I had that Yeon would put aside her resentment towards me and remember the strong feelings that she had for me for over a decade.

I came to her workplace with the intention of reclaiming what was once within my grasp, but I was in denial of the situation in such strained circumstances all those years ago. But I needed more time to decipher her secrets before I began to plan my final game between us to rectify everything that we almost destroyed in our blind emotions. Seo Yeon, enjoy your very last day of freedom from me while you can, because I will turn our world on its head to right the wrongs of our past, and it all starts with you.