The Love They Never Had

"Brother? Can I please come in? Brother?" "Why bother asking me if you are just going to come in anyways?" "Do you really think so little of me? Brother?" "What do you want Yeon?" "I just wanted to apologise to you for what I said..." "Oh, and what exactly did you say to me?" "Are you going to sulk like this all day or are you going to accept my apology?" "And what if I don't?" "Then I will run away, there is no need for me to stay in a place that I am not wanted, especially after you are going to let that maid take over the entire household." "Why, are you jealous?" What on earth was this man talking about? Why should I get jealous over a man I could barely remember. "That isn't all that I am here for..." "What is it now?" "I have something to ask you...about my memories." I aways hated the fact that he alway straightened himself out a little too formally whenever I asked him this question, it was almost like he was trying to find excuses to avoid me asking the questions or coming up with lies just to cover his tracks. "The man who gave you the maid..." "what about him?" "Do I know him? Do we know him?" "We?" "I took a peek of his face in the banquet and I...I think that I recognise him...brother? Why are you looking at me like that?" "You recognise him but you do not recognise me?" "I...I cannot help it, I just..." "just what? You take more of an interest in guests rather than..." "it isn't my fault! I didn't ask for my memories to be taken away! I didn't ask to live life that I can barely remember! And I do not get to decide who I remember and who I do not!" Why was he doing this to me? Why did he get angry at me so easily? Why did I become a pawn in his games? I understand that what I said upset him, but did he really have to take it this far? "Forget it, if you are too angry to tell me the truth then just leave it. I wish you a safe trip and all the best..."

"Now why are you running away?" "I am not..." "Look, that neighbour is nothing more than a bully, to the both of us." "So why are you accepting a concubine from him?" "I believe that you are smart enough to figure that one out. But is that what this is really about?" "What are you talking about?" "Why do you keep bringing up this new maid? Are you really jealous that she will become my new concubine?" He was out of his mind, the Young Master was crazy and he was only driving me crazy as well. But he was my only lifeline here and despite his...erratic behaviour, there was something very deep in my heart and my mind telling me not to let go of him, no matter what he does. It was something I couldn't understand since I had no memory of him, but it was the strongest feeling that I had ever had so far, waking up in this place where I had almost lost my life more than once. And no matter how or who he was, he had always supported me and even spoiled me in short amount of time. So I had no choice but to play along "I have no problem with any of your guests, Young Master. You may even give her my quarters since I heard her main job in her previous job was to look after the flowers. It will make her happy to brush up on her gardening skills. It is even out of the way you so you can meet her easily enough when you return home. If there is nothing else, then I will take my leave." "Do you really mean that?" "Why would I lie to you." "Stop there! You are the one that I care about...in this household. If you so much as frown, then I will send her away right now so I do not have to deal with..." "where is this coming from? You care about me in this household?" Why was he getting angry all over again if he was the one declaring this? What did this have to do with me? But he wasn't going to give me any answers, it was clear as day now...or maybe not yet. So why don't I speed up this little game of his and figure out the truth in the process so I can get back at my bully whilst I could.

"Young Master, you wouldn't happen to be using the new maid as a concubine to test me, right? No, you wouldn't do that, would you? Because between a woman and a man, there are not only test of conquer, but true sincerity. If you care about me like you claim to, then you give me all of the answers that I need so I can figure out how to move on. But since you will not, do not pull me into your games in future. If you need anything from me, you only need to ask me."

"What are you saying to me? Why are you acting like this?" "I understand that whatever you have been through in the past is terrible, but are you really going to sit in your office and make the world pay for it forever! Through your manipulations? Or are you going to get on that ship and help change the world so there will never be victims like us again in this world? And if you do not like this girl, then just set her free."

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Her irritated tone that I had never heard before jolted me slightly, and it made me look at her properly for the first time since our little spat. And for probably the second time in my life, I felt my face flush and my heart race out of control when I finally noticed that the new Yeon really had completely changed her appearance. The last time we met she still had her hair in childish plaits and clumsily wore makeup for the first time and now...well, she grew up. I had no idea when, but she most definitely did when I saw that she had brushed out her long hair and left it out, which was something that no other woman had done since they cared about intricate hairstyles and whatnot. But she was wearing good makeup that actually complimented her skin tone, which suddenly went from tan for always doing her house chores outside to almost snowy white overnight. And her scent...she no longer smelt of the weed patches that grew right outside her father's home, but she also wasn't wearing a flowery scent that was trendy amongst young women these days. She smelled of...I couldn't put my finger on it but it was definitely something familiar...

"Yeonna, what perfume are you wearing right now?" "Excuse me?" "What scent is that? Which flower?" I had to really restrain myself to the best of my ability and ignore the fact that she was now blushing out of nowhere. I couldn't understand myself when I was around her, I was already used to her blushing and talking to me in fast pace due to her teenage hormones that made her over-excited when she saw me. But how about now? Why couldn't I treat her the same way as I did before she lost her memories? Yes, she had forgotten me but I still remembered every single day that I spent with Yeon chasing after myself and her brother. I was still treating her as my junior, which she was but...but it just wasn't the same. She wasn't the same girl that I had grown up with, not by a long shot. So what was she to me now? My hostage? My...friend? Companion? My ward?

"I do not like flowery scents, brother. I like fruity scents." "Which scent are you wearing right now? Tell me!" I did not mean to come across as foolish as I was now, I did not even realise that I was touching her freely this time as I caught myself almost dragging her towards me by her arm, which was a nasty habit that my father had, most especially to my mother. He would always grab her at will instead of just talking to her like a normal person. In fact, it had just dawned on me that I had always treated Yeon with much more respect than my mother was ever shown, despite her living a more miserable life than she ever did.

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I do not know which part of what I said offended him so much that he actually dropped my arm from his grasp, but he suddenly did with such force that I almost fell onto the floor if I didn't manage to catch myself on time. I couldn't help myself but to glare at him momentarily before I just stormed off without saying a word. But not before I picked up something small and I threw it at him in frustration. But even amidst the tension that we were both feeing at the moment, he managed to catch it with one hand and even had the audacity to smirk, which just irritated me even more. I recited an angry poem at him out of the blue and I stuck out my tongue at him as if I was a little girl and I stormed off to my quarters to try and forget the entire morning that I had barely survived through.

Why? Why was I living like this? In a home full of strangers that I could not remember? And why was there so much secrecy when it came to myself? What was everyone trying to hide about me? Did I do something to this family that I could not remember? Why did the father hate me so much? And why did his son bother to stand up to him only for my sake? What about himself? Why wasn't the Young Master taking back the control his father had over him and live his own life? So what if he was illegitimate? It wasn't like the was the only one in existence? He was clearly taller and more physically able than his elderly father who currently looked like a strong wind could knock him over and do some real damage to him. And what exactly was his problem? He was one of the most powerful nobles in our village, so why wasn't that enough for him? What more did he want? Did he actually have any ambition for his son or was he just determined to work him to death for nothing? What made Nam-Jeon so insecure that he had to put down and control everyone around him?

After I had caught my breath and calmed down a little, I made my way to the high walls around the front gate that kept the world around us as isolated as possible. But there was a large hard rock that was big enough for me to step on to guarantee me a small peek of the village and the people who lived their lives every single day as if the people in this large property didn't exist at all. The fisherman had just come out into the market to sell their fish, the children had all come out to play near the river, and the colourful yet stuck up noble women came out in groups to lord themselves over everyone and anything. I could only shake my head in disbelief at the senseless and mundane lives these women were living. No matter how noble a woman was, she still received such little education that none of them thought of putting to good use. They all just wanted advantageous marriages and to spoil themselves silly in their money that they did not help their husbands earn or even contribute at all.

I knew what I wanted. And it was not true love since I had a disability so there was no point putting my heart into something that was unattainable. I couldn't even hope for a marriage at all, even though it was the only goal that woman around the world could hope for. I just wanted to be educated and help shape the society that I was forced to live in to create better future, and not just for myself. Women, children and even young men that our Confucius society was hell bent on separating with labels by unimportant factors like wealth or prestige. Even a cripple like myself could offer some sort of service to their society and nation, we just had to be given a chance. But it also wasn't possible for a lowly woman such as myself to attain that, so I had to do what I could and point the Young Master in the right direction a few times whilst I learned what I could through him. What other option did I have?

"What scent are you wearing?" The Young Master asked me out of nowhere for probably the third or fourth time now. "Take a few guesses." I replied, fully intent on teasing him. He wasn't used to it, I could tell, and my heart went out to him again. He looked like he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and I couldn't help but to watch him being tortured with such intense internal conflict over something as small of this. But that wasn't the only reason I was watching him; he was easily the most handsome man that I had ever seen in this village, and it was all too easy for me to get lost at the sight of his full pink lips, his high cheekbones that were so rare and sharper than the dagger that he always carried around with him and his dark lashes and brows that were just so thick...

"I am not going to ask you for the last time. What are you wearing?" "Why do you want to know?" "Because it is familiar to me." I could tell that he was trying to maintain his composure around me, but he was close to breaking it. And as much as I pitied him, I still couldn't remember him enough to let him breakdown in front of me, simply because I had no idea what he was capable of. And I wasn't sure if it was appropriate of me to be as forward as I was being in showing my concern for him more than I already had done, which had just resulted in nothing but disaster.

"I am wearing a peach blossom scent." I replied as I walked up to him and I smiled at him, hoping to calm him down. "Why?" "Why what?" "Why do you always do this?" "What are you talking about?" "You never follow trends, you never make any attempts to fit in with anything or anyone, and you still have the confidence to strut around as arrogantly as a peacock. You even wear your hair completely out and you..." "Yes? What else is it that I do to make myself different from everyone else?" I had caught him making all of these observations about me and he knew it when his jaw almost dropped to the floor and he started blushing a little. I could only laugh in retaliation and walk away again, but not without stating that it wasn't a crime to be comfortable in one's skin rather than always trying too hard to follow trends that erased one's self-worth. I returned straight to my quarters and I did not leave for the rest of the day, but I could not help myself but to take another quick glance at him, only to see him even more confused than he was when I had left him. "Goodbye Young Master, please return safely and do not leave me here on my own. Please."