#02
#02
So the dream I had from the morning must have been due to the worries I had been experiencing for months.
I pressed down on the throbbing area around my nose, trying to shake off the remnants of sleep. It had been quiet for a while, but today it was causing trouble.
I could now confidently say I had grown numb to it, but it was undeniable that the memories were as vivid as if they had happened yesterday. After struggling to forget, having such a dream left me feeling guilty all over again. The guilt started from my lower body. I had to push through my hazy vision and try to wake up.
“…Sa….”
A small mutter that sounded like a sigh mixed with an unpronounceable name.
CHAPTER 01.
He’s a One Stop Shop
: A Man Who Has It All
“Are you awake?”
The morning scene was much like any other. The news was playing on the TV, and there was a bit of bread and coffee prepared on the dining table heading towards the living room.
“Did you sleep well?”
I sat down in the empty seat and took a sip of the bitter coffee first. The dark liquid, almost black, breathed life into my aimless mind.
Since both my parents were teachers, the only time we could see each other as a family was during breakfast. During vacations, both my parents and I had a bit more leisure time than usual, but today was the last of that.
“Have you packed everything?”
“Yes. I just need to put on the clothes I’m wearing now.”
“Good job. What time did Dad say the flight with Captain Kwon arrives?”
“11:30 AM. I think we need to eat and leave right away. Oh, I should stop by the neighbor’s house before we go, so we might need to hurry….”
My father, sitting across from me, answered while listening to the news with his ears and reading the newspaper with his eyes. Suddenly, the bitter liquid I had just swallowed felt like it was going to come back up. I reached for the beautifully baked brown bread but quietly withdrew my fingers.
“Should we get ready now? I don’t think I have an appetite, so I could leave right away.”
“Why? Just eat a little.”
My father, who had become the one urging me, looked apologetic, but I really felt like I couldn’t eat a single bite. My heart, which had suddenly made its presence known, seemed to push all my internal organs aside and take its place.
“Dad, what’s the rush? We can eat and hurry afterward.”
“No, I….”
My mother started to say something reproachful, but I couldn’t hear her properly. My pounding heart felt like it was going to push my organs out of my mouth. I quickly stood up from my seat.
I rushed into the bathroom, facing the mirror that looked like a bird’s nest. Perhaps it was the morning, but my reflection looked even more haggard. Habitually pressing my index finger against the sunken areas around my eyes, I recalled the reason I had come to the bathroom and slowly began to undress.
March had just begun, but the cold air still clung to my skin. I rubbed my arms vigorously with my palms to ward off the chill and turned on the shower. Soon, warm water poured down from my head.
The tension that had unknowingly stiffened my shoulders melted away under the hot water. As I washed my face, I pressed my forehead against the still-cold wall. A cool sensation flowed in, contrasting with my heated scalp. I stood quietly under the water, closing my eyes.
It had been a long time since I had seen Saheon. Even under the warm water, my body began to tremble slightly. I couldn’t tell if it was from tension or joy.
My life could be broadly divided into two parts: memories with Saheon and memories without him. The reason for this stark division began even before I was born.
Back in the year 19**, my parents, who had just gotten married, bought an apartment with dreams of a sweet future. The apartment they purchased, though a bit of a stretch financially, was not the common corridor-style apartment of that time but a stair-style one, and the couple living next door happened to have two children.
If you were to ask how a newlywed couple and a family of four with two sons, Kwon Chaehun, a sixth grader, and Kwon Saheon, a third grader, could become close, I couldn’t say for sure, but coincidences piled up.
The newlywed couple, both teachers, settled near the school where they worked, while the head of the four-person family had just moved to Gyeonggi-do, a place with no connections, instead of the expensive housing market in Seoul. The two couples quickly became close.
Not long after the newlywed couple moved into their new home, they became pregnant and had a child the following year. They named the child “Cheongmyeong.” As you might guess, that baby was me.
In the year that followed, the neighborly family, who had become like family, adored the newborn. In particular, the two sons loved their new little brother so much that they even gave him a nickname.
They took the last character of the name Cheongmyeong, “myeong,” and called him “Myeong,” but when they found it too hard to pronounce, they changed it to “Mongmong.” However, after an aunt complained that it sounded like calling a puppy, it eventually became “Mungmung,” which also reminded them of a puppy.
Since both my parents worked, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say I lived almost entirely at the neighbor’s house after I was born. Thanks to my aunt, a full-time housewife, who gladly offered to take care of me.
After breakfast, I would go to school, attend after-school classes, and return home to be with my aunt, then have dinner with my hyungs, and play until my parents came home. This routine continued until I grew up enough that my house became merely a place to sleep.
There was no difference during vacations. I preferred playing with my hyungs over my peers, so I was literally attached to them all day long.
Aunt, uncle, Chaehun, and Saheon. The kind neighbors living next door were like another family to me, but when did I start seeing Saheon with different eyes?
Lost in the warm water, I mechanically squeezed shampoo into my hands and rubbed it into my hair. The white foam flowed down and covered my eyes, but unlike my hair, my mind showed no signs of being cleansed.
The worries that had accumulated over the months, combined with the dream I had today, made my thoughts a tangled mess that the white foam couldn’t wash away. I wondered if rinsing with cold water would help, so I turned the lever to cold, but all it did was make me shiver.
Shivering, I finished my shower and met my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed to an embarrassing degree. “Ugh,” I muttered under my breath and splashed cold water on my face.
Once my body temperature dropped, it didn’t seem to want to return easily. As I stepped out, shivering, I noticed my mother taking various items out of the refrigerator and putting them into an icebox. My mother, seeing me hopping on my toes due to the cold, asked,
“Cheongmyeong, if I put in some bread, will you eat with your hyung?”
“I will!”
I almost bit my lip in response and quickly grabbed the hairdryer. Warm air began to flow from the small machine. The chill that had been so intense it felt like my teeth would clatter began to ease a little. Taking a breath, I sat at my mother’s vanity and started drying my hair.
Thanks to the vigorous cold water splash, the redness on my cheeks had almost faded. My fingers, which had been moving to check the degree of the flush, changed direction and pressed against the sunken areas around my eyes. Lost in this habitual action, I returned to my room once my hair was somewhat dry.
The clothes I had agonized over for almost a week were neatly folded on the table. The result of my struggle to find something that didn’t look too overthought yet was still decent was a black knit sweater over a white shirt and jeans. I quickly took off my pajamas and stuffed them into my suitcase.
The rustling texture of my outfit brushed against my skin. Perhaps because I buttoned my shirt all the way to the top, it felt like it was tightly choking my neck. I couldn’t tell if it was from tension or if the shirt was genuinely too tight.
After putting on my pants and pulling the knit over my shirt, I held the bottom of my top and stared blankly down. The spotless clothes emitted a fresh scent, as if they had just been washed. Suddenly feeling like I might be overdressed, I was lost in thought when a sharp knock brought me back to reality.
“Have you changed? If you’ve packed everything, can you hand it over? I’ll take the bag to the car first.”
My father peeked his head through the door. I let go of the black knit I was holding and handed him the suitcase.
My father, who had lifted the suitcase handle, paused his steps toward the door and looked at me. Feeling embarrassed under his gaze, I quietly rolled my eyes.
“Our son looks handsome. Did you buy new clothes?”
“Oh, these are just clothes I already had.”
“Is that so? They suit you well. You’ve put in some effort since you’re seeing your hyung after a long time, right? Are you happy?”
Knowing that I had always followed Saheon around since I was little, my father chuckled teasingly. I couldn’t help but break into an awkward smile.
The worries that had kept me awake for months began right in that gap.
The beginning of everything was after the college entrance exam. Fortunately, I got into the university I had applied to, and as long as I met the minimum grade, I was set to finish the entrance process successfully without any major issues.
My parents, who were secretly anxious since they were the children of teacher couples, were thrilled when I got into a decent university and began sharing the news here and there. It was only natural that my aunt and uncle, who lived next door and were like another family, heard the news first.
“Korea City University? That’s great, Cheongmyeong! So which department?”
“Department of French Language and Literature.”
My mother was so excited that she answered for me. My aunt responded with even more enthusiasm to my mother’s answer, which was unknowingly tinged with a flush.
“That’s great, that’s great! But isn’t it going to take two hours by bus?”
“Well, at least it’s just one transfer.”
“That’s just what you say; you have to go all the way there to catch the bus. Chaehun even started living alone halfway through the first semester because he found commuting too hard. Are you thinking of living alone?”
“I still feel like a kid. I’m a bit anxious….”
My mother trailed off, seemingly unable to think of a suitable solution. Unaware of the fear of a two-hour commute, I simply followed along with the conversation between my mother and aunt, happy about passing the university entrance exam. That was my mistake. My aunt, who seemed to be deep in thought, suddenly clapped her hands as if she had found a solution.
“How about living with Saheon?”
I almost spilled the juice I was drinking. My mother’s eyes widened in surprise at the unexpected suggestion, and she listened intently.
“With Captain Kwon?”
“Yeah, yeah. There’s a new apartment complex built in Magok. Saheon lives there. From what I heard, if you catch the bus at the bus stop in front of it, it takes about 30 minutes to get to Seoul. Wouldn’t it be okay for Hanseong?”
“Oh my, really? But is that okay? I feel bad about it.”
“It’s fine, it’s fine. He’s living alone in that big house, so it would be nice to give Cheongmyeong a room to play in.”
Thus, my mother and aunt began to plan a living arrangement with Saheon without my or Saheon’s consent. They discussed how much the rent would be, how long the commute would take, and many other details, but I couldn’t imagine it would actually happen.
And rightly so, my mother was just lightly agreeing with the idea. Later, when my father talked about my commuting issues, he instead focused on buying me a used car as a gift for getting my license, without even mentioning Saheon.
However, my aunt really contacted Saheon, and he agreed to live with me. At that point, it became difficult for me to refuse.
My mother, who had never expected my aunt to bring it up, seemed to feel guilty and contacted Saheon separately, offering a rent higher than the market rate in the area, but he declined. In the midst of this, I found myself stuck, unable to do anything, and the only agreement reached was that we would manage living expenses separately, but my living situation was decided without my input.
Still, once the decision was made, my mother seemed to accept the idea of me living with Saheon positively. It was clear that she felt more at ease with me living with a hyung who had grown up next door like family rather than letting her only son live alone.
The adults had no way of knowing that I was on the verge of living with someone I had confessed to and been rejected by. A storm began to rage in the calm and smooth sea of my heart from that day on.
In the winter between sixteen and seventeen, confessing to Saheon was partly due to the emotions I had been suppressing bursting forth, but I was also shocked by the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see his face for several years.
Saheon, who had said he wanted to be a pilot since childhood, was quite good at studying and unexpectedly got accepted into a university for pilots. After going through several separations as he graduated from university and completed his military service, I was clearly thinking that graduation would be the last time.
But that was my misunderstanding. After hearing that he would need to stay at a flight training center in the U.S. for at least three years to meet the required flight hours for the airline he wanted to join, I was left in a daze.
After being rejected by hyung, I cried until all my strength was drained, and eventually, I collapsed and had to spend a few days in the hospital. However, thanks to that, my emotions settled down, and I realized how reckless my actions had been.
I had done something utterly insane. It was so crazy that I didn’t even know how to face Saheon, let alone Chaehun, my aunt, or my uncle.
Unable to bear the embarrassment, I made excuses about friends whenever Saheon returned to Korea and stayed elsewhere. Even though we should have resolved the awkwardness by seeing each other’s faces, as time passed, the awkward feelings solidified as they were. Even after hyung joined the airline as a co-pilot, I often avoided going back home first.
That meant today was the first time I would see Saheon since that day I confessed. And even after being rejected, my feelings for him had never faded for a moment.