Sweet Shot

#21

On one hand, he thought it might be an opportunity. The person who used to avoid him at the slightest misunderstanding, mentioning homosexuality, didn’t show any aversion to sexual contact. If he lent his mouth and hands as requested… Maybe he would start to think of him a bit more seriously.

To him, that act was just a simple act of release. He had heard senior soldiers in the army share vulgar experiences about having girlfriends separate from sex. The fact that it’s possible to engage the body without involving the heart. Simple release and desire. That’s what it was. Should he be grateful for being allowed to help with that release? As his thoughts stretched that far, he let out a hollow laugh. Song Ha-min felt miserable, thinking he had gone too far. This had been his only thought for days.

“Oppa.”

It was a day not long before the midterms. He was working on the remaining group project, borrowing a laptop in the department room. Cha Jun-seong and the other one had cut off contact as if planned after the first meeting. One made the excuse of being sick, the other cited family issues. Chae-rin wasn’t surprised at all.

“Should we remove those bastards’ names?” Chae-rin asked while making the PowerPoint. Ha-min, who was working on the script, made a foolish face.

“Really…?”

“Yes. I really don’t want to include them.”

Chae-rin said nonchalantly, without any hesitation. Ha-min suddenly felt envious and amazed at her straightforward attitude. He could never be like that.

“But if we remove their names, they might get zero points…”

“Isn’t that what I want?”

“Oh? Uh…”

“Those fuckers, trying to freeload.”

Chae-rin clicked her tongue and moved the cursor. Ha-min carefully tried to calm her down, watching her angry expression.

“Don’t be angry… I’ll try contacting them again later.”

“Why bother? Don’t. They should come crawling back themselves.”

“…Oh, right.”

“You’re really too soft, oppa. Aren’t you angry?”

Chae-rin asked casually while drinking water. It was an offhand question, as if she really found it curious. Ha-min gave a bitter smile at the question. It made him realize that his emotional ups and downs were different from normal people. And he knew it himself. Soft, foolish, and pathetic.

“I guess I’m foolish… That’s just how my personality is. Sorry.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. I’m just like that. That’s why I don’t have many friends.”

“You have Tae-in oppa, don’t you?”

“He’s, well, a friend from way back.”

“Were you bullied?”

“Huh?”

“You said you didn’t have friends.”

Ha-min stumbled over his words at the direct question. He blinked with a surprised face. But it wasn’t a probing question. She really asked it casually. Something he hadn’t been able to properly bring up since then.

Bullying. Song Ha-min was bullied throughout his three years of high school.

Ha-min gave a bitter smile at her casual question. Suddenly, he remembered the dusty air in the gymnasium.

“Yeah. I was bullied.”

It was surprising that he could admit this so easily. Back then, it felt like hell. Now, the day had come when he could bring it up casually. He felt a sense of silent liberation.

“Did you beat them half to death?”

“Huh?”

“The bastards who bullied you.”

“…Ah. No. I couldn’t.”

There was no way he could have. He hid the bullying from his parents for three years. He didn’t want to publicize the issue. He just endured, thinking he would never see them again after graduation. That was all he could do back then.

“I’m a martial arts expert, you know,” Chae-rin said with an indifferent face. Her tone was casual, but the meaning was deep. Ha-min chuckled softly.

“If you happen to run into them, let me know. I’ll beat them up for you.”

“Haha.”

“I learned Jiu-Jitsu too.”

Chae-rin puffed up her shoulders proudly. Ha-min just lowered his head and smiled softly. After casually mentioning something he had never told anyone before, he felt lighter. Like a small knot had been untied. That feeling of his shoulders becoming lighter, even if just a little.

For some reason, he found it easy to talk to Chae-rin. Maybe because he knew she could keep a secret. Woo-kyung and Eun-soo didn’t know about the person he liked. The fact that Chae-rin, the only one who knew, hadn’t told anyone meant she wasn’t the type to easily share others’ secrets.

“Just in case… please don’t tell the others.”

Even though he knew instinctively that she wouldn’t tell, Ha-min still made the request. Chae-rin nodded silently.

“Okay.”

She answered briefly without asking anything more. Ha-min said thanks and turned his attention back to the laptop.

“Can I ask you one thing though?”

Ha-min turned back with surprised eyes. It was the first time Chae-rin had initiated a question.

“What is it?”

Ha-min asked pleasantly, happy about getting closer to Chae-rin.

“The person you like, is it Lee Tae-rim sunbae by any chance?”

But his smiling face immediately froze. Ah… Ha-min sighed at the question that struck right at his core.

“…”

Chae-rin nodded as if she had expected this reaction, scanning Ha-min’s shocked face.

How did she know? Did I show it that much? No. That can’t be.

“No… it’s not. It’s not, Chae-rin.”

“Why are you so surprised?”

“Uh, huh?”

“What’s wrong with liking a guy these days?”

“Uh…?”

“I like girls.”

“Uh…?”

“That’s why I could tell right away.”

Chae-rin replied nonchalantly. Ha-min made a dumb face at her words, which she said as if it was nothing. A sigh escaped him. Were the things that felt so heavy to him nothing to her? She casually mentioned what he considered his weakness. Suddenly, he felt even more foolish. When would he be able to feel lighter? Instead, he seemed to be getting heavier and heavier. His past, his feelings, everything.

Even though he knew Chae-rin wouldn’t tell anyone, Ha-min asked her not to. He asked again and again. Chae-rin responded each time without showing any annoyance, saying she understood.

After roughly finishing the assignment and attending the last lecture, they parted ways. Having unexpectedly shared many secrets with Chae-rin, he felt they had become much closer. Chae-rin didn’t seem to care whether he liked his hyung or not. She only said one thing. That it must be hard. That it’s bound to be difficult with that type. Regardless of being hetero or not, the problem was that he was too perfect. He agreed with that.

“What do you want to eat?”

After the lecture, they headed to Tae-in’s house. He had called to study together for the midterms. Of course, Ha-min refused at first. He thought he wouldn’t be able to concentrate at all if he went there and saw hyung coming and going in front of him. When he refused once, saying he would study at the library, Tae-in used his trump card. He threatened to bring up the years Ha-min had gone radio silent. Saying he still held onto that. Since Ha-min could only be the guilty party regarding that incident, he meekly headed to the house.

Tae-in asked without even spreading out study materials on the living room table. Ha-min put down his bag and looked around the house needlessly.

“Where’s hyung?”

Instead of answering, Ha-min asked. Tae-in made a disgusted face.

“Why are you looking for hyung as soon as you arrive?”

“…I was just asking.”

Ha-min pouted, feeling wronged.

“He probably won’t come home today.”

“Why?”

Ha-min asked immediately.

“Well… I think he said something about a reunion… Meeting friends he studied with in America.”

“Ah…”

Ha-min nodded with a face of understanding.

“He doesn’t come home much usually.”

“Why…?”

“That guy is just like that. Unable to settle down? He sleeps at hotels, then at Hee-jae noona’s place, then comes home sometimes.”

Ha-min nodded blankly at the familiar name.

“He was like that when he was young too. I never saw him staying put at home.”

“…”

“And he said he won’t come home today because you’re sleeping over.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Why? Because we’re going to eat a ton of late-night snacks and chat all night. If Lee Tae-rim is here, he’ll nag. Plus, he acts overly friendly with you, which is annoying. It’s so fake.”

Only a real brother would talk about hyung like that. Ha-min nodded with a bewildered face. But is it necessary to tell him not to come… Ha-min clicked his tongue needlessly. Tae-in, seemingly done talking, fiddled with his phone and said,

“Should I just order whatever?”

“But weren’t we meeting to study today…?”

“Were we?”

“You said let’s study together.”

“Hey, that’s just a saying, you know. Ah, you boring bastard.”

Tae-in clicked his tongue and shook his head, looking at Ha-min as if he was pathetic. Ha-min pouted. He really came to study.

“Hey, I bought a VR game console recently, it’s super fun. You should try it too.”

“…But I really need to study. Our midterms are in three days…”

“Ah. Cramming is the way to go for exams. Don’t you know?”

“…Shouldn’t you start cramming at least three days before?”

“Let’s not act like a nerd, Ha-min.”

Tae-in lightly kicked Ha-min, looking genuinely annoyed. Ha-min scratched his head. He felt like things had become less fun.

He had stubbornly refused at first thinking he might be there, but now that he heard he wasn’t coming, he felt both relieved and somewhat disappointed. Ha-min pushed away Tae-in, who was shoving the VR game console at him, and reluctantly opened his major textbook.