Surviving a Shounen Manga

Crazy Squatjaw's Absurd Request

What makes you gasp in admiration at first settles into the new normal over time.

And from there it degenerates to routine, even boring. And after that? It might start being an irritant.

Sometimes, enough to make you want to tear your own skin off.

Cocoavi? Bullshit.

Calling her a money-grubbing bandit would’ve been more fitting.

A huge amount of gold and gems was lost every time she took a key needed to break the restrictions from her pocket.

Besides, hadn’t she been pilfering money all this time, if you think about it?

First she scammed Khan out of money without letting anybody know, then, intentionally or not, she threw it all away.

Of course, it wasn't that I was particularly money-mad or greedy for gold. I could earn more anywhere, anytime I wanted.

Although they were gifts from the emperor of a giant empire, stuff like ancient relics or artifacts with special abilities… but that wasn’t the big deal here, okay?

It was a matter of trust, trust.

Of course, I couldn't vent this dissatisfaction out loud.

All I could do was smile and nod at the kid who was showing me a triumphant expression.

But after a while,

"Is… that it? You spent it all already?"

"…"

My emotions, that’d run the gamut of surprise to dissatisfaction, were now changing to embarrassment and impatience.

All the gold and jewels had run out.

But the last goblin was still left.

"What do we do now?"

"…"

That time just a few minutes ago, when I’d been grumbling as I watched… now they felt like paradise in comparison.

A cold sweat ran down my back.

"Look quickly. Is it really all gone? Don’t you have anything else in your pocket?"

"It’s just junk. There's nothing else, you know?"

What to do?

I turned and looked at the iron gate covered in colourful patterns in front of me.

Compared to how only the locks had been engraved so far, this time the entire door was covered.

Moreover, it was different from the original.

Leo and his party had also played hide-and-seek with the goblins when they’d visited here. Of course, that hadn’t been a hundred-man game, but the event itself had been very similar.

Yet the last lock they’d encountered didn’t have such a complicated pattern.

If the difficulty of the restriction was proportional to the complexity and area of ​​the pattern, then this was nearly endgame stuff. Even if we did have some gold left, it wouldn’t have sufficed to create a key.

"… Haah."

Honestly speaking, I was shocked. I didn't know who’d made this or why, but this wasn’t something the goblins should’ve trotted out in a game against the humans they looked down on. I'd have believed if it were a bomb shelter to hide from their enemies.

‘Even if you’re hiding, do you have to hide in a place like this? What a great match this is turning out to be.'

After staring at the door for a while, I shook my head.

This was a waste of time. Even if I started hard enough to give myself a headache, the situation wouldn’t change.

I needed to quickly come up with an alternative.

There were a few ways that came to mind.

First, asking Cocoa to just try to take out the key anyway.

Of course, there was a high chance that it wouldn’t work, but just in case.

The only problem would be if the key really came out. I didn't think that was likely, but what if it did? That’d mean the pocket would take ‘something' in exchange instead of gold.

And, having read through the original Adventure King several times, I was relatively well aware of what such abilities ‘required in return'.

Health, lifespan, or hidden traits.

If it worked on the concept of ‘credit', nothing would happen immediately, but that wasn’t an attractive option either. Because we’d have to pay some kind of ‘interest' in future.

Although the match against the goblins was an urgent issue, I couldn't make Cocoa do something that might cause her that kind of trouble.

Hence, rejected.

Second. To tempt the goblin to come out on his own.

Actually, this was something I’d been considering for a while. If Cocoa hadn’t been able to get the decipher keys out of her pocket, I would’ve already tried it.

But the problem was,

"Hey, goblin! Look at me!"

…

"Come out! Shall we have a bet?"

Even if I screamed myself hoarse, the goblin beyond the door pretended not to hear it.

Of course, this didn’t necessarily mean he had an immovable spirit that wouldn’t be shaken by any temptation.

If I had to guess,

"He can’t hear me, isn’t it?"

"Yup."

Was the space beyond the door completely isolated from the outside?

That wasn’t how it normally worked, though.

So,

"Hey, I’m sorry to keep calling you…"

"What is it this time?"

"Well… can I ask you for something?"

"You’re going to, anyway."

I decided to refer to the original. Siana had also used her probability adjuster to bring out the goblin hidden in this hideout.

"There’s a goblin in there, yeah? We’re trying to get him out. Can you adjust, like, the odds that there’s no toilet when he suddenly gets a stomachache, or the odds that he misreads the time and comes out thinking the game is already over…"

Then,

"No."

"… So he comes out right now… huh?"

"No."

The little squat-jawed fairy refused. It was a very resolute tone.

"Uh… Is it because that’d be a bit too absurd? Maybe…"

"It’s not that."

"Then?"

"It’s out of my control."

"… Totally?"

"Yeah, I can’t extend my influence in there."

"Is it because I’m weak? Or you are…?"

"I don’t know. Maybe interference would be possible if our bond was stronger? Or it might not have anything to do with that. Anyway, one thing is for sure, it’s impossible right now."

She shook her head again.

So I fell silent for a while. Not just due to the current situation, either.

‘… Bond, huh.'

Because this concept suddenly hit my head.

There are many unique abilities in the world of Adventure King, and the way to develop and evolve them differs based on their nature.

Combat-only abilities are, of course, nothing special in this regard. You get more proficient via repeated practice or accumulating combat experience.

But for abilities that fall in the opposite spectrum, mainly used by guides and decipherers, the methods are much more diverse and unique.

‘Forging bonds with something created by activating the ability' is also one of them.

This is especially common for unique abilities of the summoning system, where the ability is strengthened proportional to how many times you’ve interacted with your summon and how close you two are.

To be honest, I’d had no idea that this [Probability Adjuster Who Hates Fairness] from Siana needed this kind of nurturing. It was never mentioned in the original, so I had never thought that Siana's ability was stronger than normal because she and her fairy were friends.

Or perhaps, she’d become so proficient by undergoing a long and gradual process of encountering numerous problems and deciphering them.

‘Should I have summoned her a few more times?'

Possibly. Although, this squat-jawed fairy with her hair-trigger temper was anything but normal, so that might not have helped.

But I was able to realize one thing: the [Mimic Acrobat] that I had learned was by no means omnipotent.

It wasn’t much trouble to mimic simple unique abilities which were based on the user’s physique (in fact, they scaled with my own strength, so I could actually make them stronger), but for those with special properties, I had to prepare in advance if I wanted to use them properly.

For example, Siana’s ability. It was her bond with her fairy, not her physical ability, that was the basis of her strength.

‘It means I have to pick out all the useful abilities and polish them from time to time.'

Anyway, that wasn't the problem right now.

I pushed myself back to reality.

The resounding ‘no' from the squat-jawed fairy.

It meant that the method I’d set as my ‘ultimate option' was blocked.

‘… What do I do?'

Meanwhile,

‘If this doesn't work…'

There was only one more method that came to mind.

When it’d been decided that wouldn’t participate, I’d thought of it as a joke.

Third, catching another goblin. And making them decipher it.

"How much time do we have left?"

"I don’t know, it’s been a while. The sun’s just about to go down."

"Oh my god."

There were indeed goblins out there, but it wasn’t that easy to catch one without making a sound.

Besides, I was playing hide-and-seek right now, so they weren’t trying to attack my mind. What if I attempted to attack somebody outside the hide-and-seek area? He wouldn't stand still.

Even if I suppressed him somehow, that wouldn’t end the problem.

Because whoever I captured might not even be able to decipher this, and other problems might crop up in the future.

‘No, this isn’t the way.'

Rejected. I had to find another way.

But nothing was coming to mind.

‘What can I do, what can I do…'

The only thing that came to mind was Chinuavi's face.

If only that guy had been here!

Then,

With a creak of my neck –

Unconsciously, I turned my head to look at Cocoa.

I didn't want to blame that little kid for this, but the human heart doesn't always work the way you want it to.

I tried to erase the resentment from my eyes, as much as possible.

‘If I blame her for this, I'm not an adult. I'm not an adult…'

Of course, it wasn't easy.

My impatience was building up like a boiling kettle inside my skull, about to blow off the top of my head. It was a crisis.

Just then,

With a swish –

Suddenly, Cocoa also turned her head to look me.

But,

"Huh?"

Her eyes were a little odd.

"What is it?"

"What do you think I just saw?"

"Ah? What?"

"A path."

"…!"

Startled, I ran over to her.

"Really? How? What should we do?"

"Wait a minute… uh… do you have something with you right now?"

"What do I have? Nothing. Everything’s inside your pocket…"

At that moment,

"Ah!"

I looked at my hand in surprise.

There, I was holding the bat I’d been given.

"Wait, is this…?"

Then,

"Ummm… I think that’s it, yeah."

Cocoa gently nodded her head.

It wasn't a particularly confident face, but I was sure nonetheless. The path this kid saw was correct. By this time, I, too, could understand what she meant.

Then,

"You… you really are a goblin!"

I was thrilled.

I’d have to put the bat I’d gotten from the old goblin into her pocket, and in exchange, we’d get the key.

It was a really goblin-like idea.

Obviously, this bat was some kind of a precious treasure, so it’d definitely be worth a lot of gold. In other words, it’d be sufficient as an exchange for the key.

Besides, since this guy was the last of the players, there was no need to hit him with the bat and turn him into a statue. As long as I caught him, the game would naturally end.

Of course, I’d be getting rid of a goblin treasure at will, but… well, whatever. Wasn't that what all evil goblins did? Playing pranks, breaking things, disturbing people, and then blatantly pretending to not know anything.

I looked at Cocoa and nodded.

Excellent answer, Cocoavi.

Then,

"Come on, here."

I smiled and handed Cocoa the bat.

But,

"… What are you doing?"

"Huh? Put it in."

"Where?"

"Where? In your pocket, your pocket."

"Why?"

Cocoa's reaction was strange.

"… Eh? Isn't that what you meant?"

"What exactly is going on inside your head?"

Then she took my bat and walked straight to the door.

And then,

"Huh? Eh…?"

She just put it on the lock.

Then,

Shh–.

"Uh… uh… huh!?"

To my surprise, the soft bat melted and slipped into it.

Soon after,

Clackkk-clangggg–.

It unlocked.

…

"Wow, so that’s it. I didn’t know it was going to be like this."

"…"

"What’s with that face? What happened to praising me?"

"Uh… no, good job."

It was a bit disconcerting.

Of course, this wasn't because my reasoning turned out to be wrong.

The reason I was perplexed was the subtlety of the situation. The path to unlocking it had been with me all along.

The thought came to me around that time, that maybe Chinuavi couldn’t have deciphered this problem. I wondered if he’d have kept trying to unlock it and we would’ve faced a loss via timeout.

The reason I thought this was because this obstacle looked like it fell into the realm of the decipherers, but it actually required a guide.

In order to brute-force your way through an obstacle for which a separate key already exists, you need ability far exceeding the power of the obstacle. No matter how talented Chinuavi was, his own abilities would never have sufficed against a lock created by the power of his whole tribe.

Indeed, goblins were masters of riddles and deciphering. This was a trick that cleverly exploited the overlap between guides and decipherers.

I looked at Cocoa again.

"You… did you see things this far?"

"Huh?"

"It’s fine, you can admit it."

"What do you mean? Aren’t you going to catch that guy?"

"Huh? Ah!"

I quickly opened the door and went in.

Instead of hiding underground or camouflaging as some kind of furniture like I’d expected, the last goblin was calmly sitting at a table and sipping tea.

And when I approached him, he didn't show any resistance at all, he just smiled and greeted me.

"Congratulations."

And so the game of hide-and-seek ended.

By the time we reached Oldboy’s place, the sun had already set and it was dark all around.

Although I’d heard the last goblin say ‘congratulations', to be honest, I was still a little uneasy. Because these guys were masters of doggedly clinging to their own opinions[1], no matter what it took.

But fortunately,

"You punk! You got lucky."

Oldboy meekly acknowledged our victory.

And even,

"What do you want?"

He took the initiative to inquire.

I was feeling a little perplexed. The goblin, who’d lost the bet, was behaving much quieter than expected.

Unfortunate. Although, it could be called lucky for me, too.

So, instead of dithering around, I said it outright.

"I want to borrow some goblins, I have something for them to do. About a hundred or so? The ones who played hide-and-seek this time would be perfect."

Then,

"Wh-, what!? What do you mean? You want goblins to follow you outside? A hundred of them?"

The old man asked, seemingly stunned.

Then, soon,

"Are you crazy?!"

He roared.

Now this was more like it. This was the type of reaction that fit my image of them.

‘By the way, his strength is no joke, huh?'

I was being sincere. The momentum he exuded was considerable.

Obviously, all the senior people in this manga seemed to have pretty spry.

That was then.

"Hey! Squatjaw! Is that true?"

"You’re going to borrow us!"

"What’re you aiming at? What can I do!?"

"Let’s go!"

"You don’t need to listen to that old man!"

The goblins around us were beginning to riot.

Whoo.

It wasn't really my intention, but it wasn't a bad reaction.

At this, the old man screamed again.

"Everyone shut the hell up!"

Then he turned his gaze to me.

"You punk! Do you know what it means for all these goblins to go out into the world? You, are you… are you a maniac or something!"

I knew very well why Oldboy hesitated when he said that last sentence.

Because he didn't want to shower me with such ‘praise'. For the goblins, the word ‘maniac' was like a great compliment.

"But I haven’t finished yet."

"What else!"

"It’s a bit far, where I have to take them."

"… What?"

"It’s Westland."

…

After that, it took quite a long time for the goblins to calm down.

In the meantime, Oldboy was screaming himself hoarse. He was so loud it’d be no wonder if his voice gave out.

"You fucking squat-jawed bastard. I don't know what you're up to… but do you think everything will go your way?"

"Hey, you already lost the bet, are you planning to renege on your promise now?"

"Humph… didn’t I tell you clearly? It has to be something acceptable."

"Why, what’s unacceptable about this, exactly? Did I ask you to destroy the Goblins’ Den? Or to have every one of you to pack up and move? It's nothing that big, right?"

Oldboy seemed a bit hesitant as he responded to my strong rejoinder.

"Ummm, even if you say that…"

"Then how are you going to meet my request? I’m telling you in advance, I’m not going to change to something else."

"Ugh, even though I already said no, this bastard still…"

"Would you like to bet one more time, then?"

I asked slyly.

Of course, this was all part of the plan.

To push as hard as I can, then give them a chance at the last moment.

And again, this old man,

"… Oh. Are you okay with that?"

Took the bait.

"Sure. But you have to promise. If you lose once again, you have to listen to me unconditionally."

"Heh heh, you arrogant human… good! Then the next match will be…"

"Wait a sec!"

"Huh?"

"This time I get to decide. You want to see what happens then, too, right? Not to mention that we’re at this juncture because you’re being stubborn. Right?"

Oldboy's expression froze at my words.

But so what?

"… Great, that sounds just fine. So? What’s the event going to be?"

There was no way he could reject.

Now it was almost over.

"Before that, can I designate my opponent first?"

"Opponent? Oho… it looks like you have a plan. Good. But we have to consent to it first. There may be cases where somebody is disqualified."

"Great. That probably won’t be an issue. He’s a goblin who holds a pretty important position."

"An important position?"

Then, I recited the final words I’d prepared.

"I, the leader of the Squatjaw Adventurers. And Oldboy, the leader of the Goblins’ Den. Let’s have a one-one-one match between us, with the fates of our two groups on the line."

Once again, there was an uproar among the goblins.

The circular great hall with statues of the five goblin gods standing at the edge.

Oldboy silently watched Squatjaw leisurely stroll through his living room as if he owned it.

What the hell was he up to?

Contrary to his blunt appearance, he was a guy shrouded in mystery.

He’d earned Chinuavi's respect despite being a mere human, and his matches against the goblins had gone so smoothly as if he’d prepared for them in advance.

His requests too were weird completely unexpected.

But the most surprising thing about him was the oddness around his identity.

‘Are you really human?'

Oldboy honestly wasn't sure.

So that made it even more interesting.

Oldboy slowly approached Squatjaw.

"You are the first human to enter the living quarters of the goblin chief."

"Huh, okay?"

"Don’t be surprised. Including you, humans have entered the Goblins’ Den only twice."

This guy didn’t actually look surprised. As if he was hearing about something he already knew.

"When you’ve finished looking around, please tell me. What bet are you going to make with me?"

"Ummm… there’s no one here, right?"

"You have working eyes, why not check for yourself?"

"I was wondering if somebody was hiding behind a silver screen."

"There’s nobody crazy enough that they’d dare do that in the boss’ living room… At least right now, there’s nobody."

"Hmm, is that so?"

Oldboy had no intention of dragging this on any further.

Judging by the number of larks flocking to the window, a lot of goblins had to be trying to sneak in.

"What kind of bet would you like to make?"

"Before that… can I say what I want first? It's going to be difficult if you say you won't listen again. Let’s discuss it and then decide on the bet."

"You dare think you can defeat me?"

"Ah, well, of course."

"Heh heh heh… you’ve got some cheek on you. Hope is better hidden, or it bursts like a bubble if you say it out loud. Not that an idiot like you would know that. Okay then, tell me."

At that very moment,

‘Well?'

Squatjaw's eyes shone with a strange light.

Like a hawk diving to pounce on an opportunity.

And the words that followed, were the oddest and the most shocking that Oldboy had ever heard, in his entire life.

"I want to become a goblin… how do I make that happen?"

Editor's Notes:

[1] 우기기, stubbornly asserting your own opinion, even by force.

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