Solo For Two

Karel strode into the kitchen, rummaged through the cupboard, and took a swig of alcohol. The fire within him didn’t quell, and the drink seemed to ignite his stomach even more.He felt Sasha’s gaze on him. Karel, with his back to Sasha, finished the bottle.“Thirsty? Drink water instead of alcohol.”“Okay.”Sasha handed him a glass of cold water, which Karel also drank in one gulp.“Are you hot? Your body feels hot.”Sasha wrapped his arms around Karel’s thick body. Just as he said, Sasha’s soft skin felt cool against Karel. Karel pulled Sasha closer by the nape of his neck and kissed his lips, which still carried the scent of alcohol. Sasha tried to resist but quickly gave up and quietly embraced him.When their lips parted, Karel’s breathing was slightly rough. Sasha’s arms were now completely held by Karel’s hands.Pressing his forehead against Sasha’s, Karel asked softly.“You’re not hiding anything from me, right?”At the sudden question, Sasha looked up at Karel with a puzzled expression.“If there’s anything you haven’t told me, say it now.”“Karel?”“If you tell me yourself, I’ll believe you and won’t ask further.”Karel opened his eyes, which he had been lowering.Up close, Karel’s eyes, reflecting the sunlight streaming through the window, shone like amber. His pupils, relatively small, resembled those of a predator.Sasha, flustered, finally answered.“There’s a bottle of brandy under the bed… I’ve only taken a sip occasionally, just a little.”“What else?”“Last harvest festival, Julian opened an account in my name… I haven’t checked the money yet… because I have no use for it… I was going to give it to you anyway!”“What else?”Sasha couldn’t remember anything else and was at a loss. Karel, sensing Sasha’s nervousness, tenderly stroked his back. Sasha shivered just from that touch, as his back was a sensitive spot.“Nothing else? Think back, even to the distant past.”“Karel?”Karel’s tone was very slow.Suddenly, anxiety surged in Sasha’s heart.He had already confessed to two things Karel would dislike. Why was he being pressed for more? Maybe Karel just wanted an excuse to get angry.It was a familiar intimidation for Sasha, the very method of the grand duke.‘Sasha, think carefully if you did anything wrong.’‘…No matter how much I think, I don’t know. Please forgive me.’‘That plea for forgiveness makes me angry. I’ll give you another chance to think it over.’The grand duke demanded absolute obedience. He would retaliate for a long time if Sasha showed any sign of displeasure or tried to avoid his touch.And eventually…“Are you talking about when you worked in the old town? Did anything really happen back then?”Sasha sensed the sharp edge in Karel’s voice and was immediately frightened.“There’s something you haven’t told me.”Sasha swallowed hard, his throat bobbing noticeably.Torn with conflict, Sasha finally spoke. Karel already knew. If that was the case, it was better to come clean than to keep hiding it.“Mr. Walter’s cousin…”Karel suppressed his anger at the familiar name. It was the right time to confront the truth.“Yeah. Go on.”“I only met her twice.”“And?”“The first time was an unplanned visit… The second time, I met her to refuse her.”Karel let go of Sasha and turned away.He stood still for a while, trying to calm his emotions. Back then, Karel had repeatedly asked Sasha for details, but Sasha had been reluctant to talk, and Karel had respected that. Just because Sasha didn’t want to speak about it! Karel had to pretend not to notice, even though Sasha returned with bruises on his face and a busted lip. If Sasha didn’t want help, there was nothing Karel could do.‘Why didn’t he rely on me? Why couldn’t he trust me?’Karel swallowed his words instead of lashing out. An indescribable sense of exhaustion enveloped him.He believed that his love for Sasha was an inexhaustible force, not a limited resource but a ceaselessly flowing spring. However, from their first meeting until now, the one-sided caring and emotional outpouring were starting to wear Karel down for the first time.Excessive self-sacrifice breeds a sense of entitlement.Instead of saying anything more to Sasha, Karel sat at the dining table. He looked exhausted and kept his back to Sasha.Sasha hurriedly followed him, fumbling with his words.“Mr. Walter said he owed his cousin and asked me to help him just once. I refused until the end and was beaten and fired for refusing his cousin.”“I know.”“I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of in front of you.”“I know.”Sasha, struggling to chew meat with a torn mouth.Sasha, who had lost his job, returned home dejected and drank alone.He couldn’t forget reality without being drunk.Tears silently welled up in Karel’s eyes.He wanted to get up right away and yell at Sasha for being foolish. You should have told me and asked me to take revenge. At the same time, he wanted to hug him tightly and ask why he was so stubborn. He wanted to grab him by the collar, shake him, and shout, “Why don’t you rely on me? Why did you try to handle everything on your own?”And why do I always find out after everything has happened…Why don’t you depend on me?A sense of helplessness surged. If I have to just watch while the world harms you…“Karel.”Sasha’s voice came from right behind him, trembling with anxiety.“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry.”You didn’t even give me the chance to worry.Karel forced a bitter smile.He quietly rejected Sasha’s hands that clung to his back. Karel got up, pushed in his chair, and headed for the door. He couldn’t face Sasha yet, as he still couldn’t control his expression.“I’m going out for a bit. If you’re hungry, you can eat dinner first.”Then Karel left the house. He didn’t look back, so he didn’t see Sasha’s expression.＊ ＊ ＊When Karel returned, the house was dark, with not a single light on.The newspaper Karel had brought lay open on the table, and the dishes from dinner were still there. Knowing Sasha had eaten alone made Karel’s feelings complicated. He was relieved Sasha had eaten, but also felt guilty for leaving him to eat alone.Instead of looking for Sasha as he usually did, Karel headed straight to the bathroom to wash off the smell of alcohol.It was his first time drinking alone at a pub. Some familiar villagers greeted him warmly, but Karel didn’t join them. The villagers gossiped, mostly about a wealthy widow and her much younger husband, with Sasha’s story inevitably coming up.Listening to the villagers, Karel realized how naive he had been about Sasha’s life. Sasha, with his quiet nature and inability to protect himself, coupled with his beautiful appearance, was much more prone to misunderstandings than he had imagined.‘People are so fickle. If Sasha looked like a stodgy priest, he might be in a monastery by now. If he looked like a rough farmer, he might be working diligently and saving up. But… with his looks…’He recalled Julian’s words.At the time, Karel had scoffed at Julian’s defense of suspecting Sasha of being a prostitute, but now… maybe Julian was right. Sasha’s looks made him prone to misunderstandings and had even led to their meeting in a brothel.After drying off, Karel quietly lay on the bed. Sasha was already asleep, curled up on one side. Karel carefully rested his head on the pillow, trying not to wake him, and fell back into thought.‘What would happen to his life if I disappeared?’It was hard to imagine Sasha standing on his own.He would probably meet another Karel Clements, maybe even several. Even if Sasha didn’t want that, those around him wouldn’t leave him alone.Should I be satisfied with having a man who doesn’t know how to trust or give love?Karel quietly embraced Sasha. Despite sharing a bed for three years, he still felt alone.＊ ＊ ＊Until their third harvest festival together, Karel and Sasha had no major conflicts. They had grown accustomed to considering each other, appearing to be a well-matched couple. Julian, who knew their past, was particularly pleased to see them together.Sasha was at least relieved that they appeared to have no problems outwardly.Recently, Julian had visited and gifted them a radio. But the only news it broadcasted was about the war, as the military monopolized the airwaves. Reports of casualties and changes on the front lines were broadcast daily.“It’s best to stay indoors as much as possible.”Karel, flipping through the newspaper, said. Sasha paused from eating his oatmeal and looked at him.“Sometimes people in the village talk about you. Russia is Austria’s enemy now, and the front lines are at the border… Some people might be sensitive about Russians. Be careful.”“Okay.”Sasha nodded at Karel’s advice. The only sound at the silent table was the clinking of Sasha’s spoon against his bowl.Sasha had not encountered the villagers in a long time. No one wondered about his whereabouts or missed him. While that had once felt lonely, it was a relief during wartime.“If you’re done, give it to me. I’ll clean up.”Sasha willingly handed over the dishes to Karel and took the newspaper he had been reading.Although he managed, Sasha was slow at reading and writing, taking a long time to decipher the headlines. It would have been quicker if Karel read to him, but Sasha just watched Karel finish the dishes and tidy up the kitchen before turning back to the newspaper. He didn’t want to bother him.Karel’s care was second nature by now. Unable to see a future for their relationship, Karel hid his anxiety, making extra efforts to avoid hurting Sasha. Similarly, Sasha tried hard not to upset or disappoint Karel. This, in turn, made Karel feel even sadder.Days passed without any conflict voiced aloud.The days grew shorter, and the nights colder. Karel spent more days out preparing for his shop.To keep Karel from worrying, Sasha made sure to eat all his meals alone when Karel was away and cleaned every corner of the empty house. He poured out all the brandy hidden under the bed onto the dirt floor. He fixed the leaking shed and swept the dusty attic.‘This house is too big to be alone.’Sasha sat by the attic window, staring out at the tranquil autumn lake. It felt like ages ago when he and Karel had swum there together.Thinking back, he realized they hadn’t gone camping together even once this summer. Each time he felt Karel’s absence, it was suffocating. Sasha lay down in the attic, the warm sunlight spilling over his chest providing little comfort.In his imagination, he walked out the door. He walked a long way, seeing no one around for miles. Further and further, he went until he stood outside the village bridge, watching the bustling town. People seemed cheerful as they finished their daily routines and returned home. Sasha watched the happy villagers from across the bridge.When he opened his eyes, he saw only the dim attic ceiling.Sasha sank into the silence of the empty house as if he were dead.＊ ＊ ＊It was an accident. The kind that could happen to anyone.It wasn’t a unique misfortune encountered only by Karel and Sasha because of their extraordinary lives, but a common stroke of bad luck.That day, Sasha was alone in the living room, waiting for Karel, who was late coming home. He had fallen asleep on the sofa, face down, when he suddenly sensed something unusual. He opened his eyes.At first, the darkness blurred his vision. Someone was tiptoeing through the living room, heading toward the kitchen. Half-asleep, Sasha thought it was Karel, but then he felt something was off and turned his head slightly.In the darkness, a stranger stood with his back to him. He rummaged through the cabinets briefly, then headed to the bedroom. It seemed he hadn’t noticed Sasha, who lay still on the sofa.‘…A burglar.’Sasha hesitated, unsure if he should run out and call the police or stay silent and unnoticed.‘It might not be a burglar.’He had heard about soldiers, both deserters and stragglers, roaming the village, stealing food. If the intruder was a soldier, he might be armed. Worse, if he was an enemy soldier, making a noise and fleeing could get him shot.‘It might be safer to stay quiet….’Sasha carefully felt around beside him. He found the knife he had used to peel fruit before dozing off. Gripping the knife made him feel a bit safer.Sweat beaded on Sasha’s forehead from the tension. The stranger’s heavy footsteps echoed as he wandered around the house. It sounded like he was wearing army boots. Listening closely, he thought he heard the clinking of weapons.The stranger’s footsteps abruptly stopped.Sasha’s grip on the knife tightened.It seemed the stranger had finally noticed him. His footsteps approached. Sasha tried to control his increasingly rapid breathing. He pretended to stay asleep, clutching the small knife.‘If I’m lucky, he’ll just pass by… He can take whatever he wants, just please….’The soldier stood still for a long time. It felt like he was staring down at him. Even with his eyes closed, Sasha could feel his gaze, making it hard to keep his composure. Dizziness swept over his closed eyes.The man crouched. The smell of mud, grass, and the outdoors washed over him. It was the scent of someone who had been camping outside for a long time. Rough, calloused hands touched his bare back. Sasha nearly gasped.The hands moved crudely, pulling down his pants, exposing his buttocks. The soldier climbed on top of him, one knee on the sofa, casting a large shadow over him.“Stop pretending to sleep. If you’re going to be this cooperative, you might as well play along.”His German was heavily accented. Sasha suddenly remembered the reports about soldiers breaking into homes, robbing, and even raping men.The soldier’s rough hands spread his buttocks apart, and a fearful moan escaped Sasha’s lips. Instead of deterring him, his sound of distress seemed to excite him. He spat on him, then crudely inserted his fingers.“What the… this hole’s already been used! …Ugh!”Sasha sprang up, slashing at the soldier’s face with the knife. The blade met resistance, but then the soldier kicked him off, sending Sasha crashing to the floor and hitting his head on the table. Blood flowed from his nose, warming his mouth.“You son of a bitch! Slashing my face?”The soldier, his eyebrow cut and bleeding, punched Sasha repeatedly. But Sasha, clutching the knife, fought back fiercely.“If I catch you, I’ll rip you apart… ugh!”The first strike landed on his collarbone.The second strike hit his neck.And the third…“Sasha! Sasha!”When he came to, Sasha was dropping the knife from his hand. He heard the blade clatter on the floor. Someone was holding him back, preventing him from picking it up again.“Karel?”Karel was behind him, holding him tightly.Sasha saw Karel’s hands gripping his chest, trembling.“Karel?”He called out again. Karel, tears streaming down his face, hugged Sasha tightly.“A burglar… no, a soldier… we need to call the police.”“Sasha…”“He tried to… he tried to…”Karel composed himself, holding Sasha, and headed to the bedroom. He laid Sasha on the bed, which smelled of sunlight, and hid his bloody hands under the blanket. Then, Karel wiped the bruises and blood from Sasha’s face.“Just lie here for a moment.”Karel walked back to the living room.The scene was too horrific to turn on the light.Looking down at the man whose neck had been brutally slashed, Karel dragged the heavy body outside. At one point, the man seemed to regain consciousness, coughing up blood. Karel dragged him to a distant lakeshore, intending to finish him off before throwing him into the deeply dug ground. But…The man was already mortally wounded. He would die from blood loss even if taken to a hospital. Conflicted, Karel avoided the pleading eyes of the soldier reaching out for help and pushed him into the pit.By the time everything was done, it was already deep into the night. When Karel returned, his clothes were soaked with sweat.“Karel, why did you take so long?”As soon as he opened the door, Sasha asked, a hint of reproach in his voice. Karel concealed his grim feelings and managed to respond.“I’m sorry. I was too late.”“A burglar broke into our house. That burglar… I think he was a soldier.”“I know.”Sasha repeated what he had said before. Something was off. Sasha seemed unaware of the blood-splattered floor and the dried blood on his hands.“Shouldn’t we report this quickly? What if he has already run far away?”Karel slowly turned to Sasha.“Report it?”Karel asked, thinking Sasha meant to turn himself in.“If we leave him, he’ll head to the village. Others will get hurt.”“What are you talking about?”Karel struggled to catch his breath. After dragging a nearly 100-kilogram man and digging a deep hole, Karel’s body was still heated from the labor.“I checked around the house. He’s nowhere to be found…. He must have escaped while you were out.”“That guy? On his own feet?”“Yes! Actually, he… He tried to rape me thinking I was asleep… and then he hit me…”Sasha suddenly convulsed in distress. Karel caught him, supporting his body.“Sasha? Get a hold of yourself, Sasha! Breathe.”“Haa, haa….”“Are you okay? If you don’t want to remember, don’t force yourself.”Karel repeated, looking into Sasha’s eyes.“Don’t think about it, just forget.”Sasha’s dilated pupils stared at Karel. Even then, Sasha gasped for breath. After a while, he managed to speak again.“No. I remember… He did something terrible to me and completely ran away. If we leave it like this… he’ll do the same again.”“Sasha, that man…”Karel’s eyes filled with despair.Karel scrutinized Sasha’s face. A familiar face, the usual expression, calm speech… but where had it gone wrong? Since when?Karel hugged Sasha, stifling his despair, and cried silently.As dawn broke, the remnants of the night became visible in the living room. Sasha, exhausted, dozed off leaning against the sofa.Karel scrubbed the bloodstained wooden floor repeatedly, then covered it with a large carpet. He buried the knife used to stab the man deep in the backyard and burned Sasha’s blood-stained clothes, blanket, and sheets.Now it was time to wash Sasha.Having not slept all night, Karel prepared hot water and gently lifted Sasha. Sasha, waking up in the wooden tub, showed a look of relief at Karel’s touch. Karel washed his hair gently, meticulously cleaning the dried blood under his nails. The shallow cuts and bruises on his face were soon cleaned. Sasha seemed to feel happiness after a long time from Karel’s affectionate care. When Karel washed his face, Sasha playfully kissed his fingertips.Karel thoroughly soaped and cleaned every part of Sasha’s body, as if washing away his sins.He then dried Sasha’s body with a towel and laid him on a fresh sheet. Karel patted Sasha’s chest, waiting for him to fall asleep.Just as Sasha’s eyes were closing, a loud knock came from outside.“Just sleep for a bit.”Karel kissed Sasha’s forehead and left the room. Opening the door, he found two men in uniform standing there.They were military police.“What’s the matter?”“A lieutenant who deserted the unit disappeared near here. May we search your house?”Karel tried not to show his dismay. In this early stage of the war, the soldier was likely the son of a noble family.“There’s a patient inside, so please avoid causing a disturbance. We don’t know anything, so please leave.”Karel firmly refused.“There’s a witness who saw the lieutenant heading this way. You’ll have to cooperate once we get a warrant anyway. It’s better if we just take a quick look now.”“I’m sorry.”Karel closed the door in their faces.Even after that, they lingered outside the house for a long time. They roamed around the front and back yards before finally leaving after about an hour.Karel slumped into a chair, thinking.“They’ll come back.”And Karel started organizing his thoughts with an unnaturally calm mind.Military law and criminal law, ways to reduce the sentence, the possibility of claiming self-defense, precedents of civilians killing soldiers, leniency and sentence reduction upon surrender, and ways to completely clear Sasha of suspicion.Would it have been better to send the lieutenant to the hospital alive?Karel shook his head. The victim was the only one who had witnessed Sasha’s crime and could testify. If he had survived, Sasha wouldn’t have been able to avoid suspicion.“It’s fortunate the witness is gone.”Karel thought sincerely, prepared to bear Sasha’s guilt.That evening, six military police officers arrived at the house with a warrant. Karel put Sasha forward as the informant. Sasha’s testimony, having partially erased the memories he didn’t want to recall, combined with Karel’s added details, created a completely new narrative.“So, the burglar tried to harm Mr. Cedrin, the injuries on his face are from resisting, and Mr. Clements, unable to stand it, chased the burglar and killed him?”Karel nodded at the officer’s summary. Sasha looked at Karel with a pale face full of shock.Ignoring Sasha’s gaze, Karel asked.“Will the surrender be taken into account?”“We may not want to, but the court will consider it.”As soon as the brief investigation ended, they immediately cuffed Karel’s wrists. Without giving him time to say goodbye, they lifted him and began to drag him away. Sasha hurriedly followed behind them. Initially, the military police tried to push Sasha away, but perhaps considering that Sasha’s testimony would be needed in future investigations, they stopped.Breathlessly, Sasha asked Karel.“Why did you do it?”Karel didn’t answer.“Why… why did you go that far?”Sasha was asking why Karel had killed the man, not why he had taken the blame.He had truly forgotten his crime. Karel was relieved.Instead of correcting the wrong question, he just smiled.“For you.”Karel was locked in a detention cell. The police decided to send Karel to the capital’s prison at dawn the next day.Throughout the night, Sasha didn’t leave the station, sitting on a small metal chair beyond the bars, shedding tears. At dawn, when Karel was transported, Sasha stood on the street watching him until the vehicle disappeared from sight. Even from a great distance, Karel could tell Sasha was crying.He only regretted not being able to embrace and comfort him.＊ ＊ ＊Sasha couldn’t accept the fact that Karel had killed someone. As several trials proceeded, Sasha increasingly appeared at the courthouse with a haggard appearance, growing thinner each day. Karel couldn’t take his eyes off Sasha’s worn-out clothes and unkempt hair. It was clear that Sasha wasn’t taking care of himself.On the day of the final verdict, Sasha secretly visited Karel.“Sasha!”Karel stood up abruptly with his hands tied.Sasha cautiously stepped into the small waiting room and closed the door. They were left alone in the enclosed space.“…How?”Visits were forbidden. Though he had seen Sasha in the audience, he hadn’t expected to see him up close like this.Suppressing his emotions, Karel stared at Sasha’s face intently. His delicate eyebrows, the moist, melancholic eyes beneath, the haggard but still soft-looking white cheeks, and the pale pink lips were all the same. It was the face of Sasha he had longed for.“It’s my first time bribing someone… I’m glad it worked.”“You bribed someone?”“Yes, I withdrew all the money from Julian’s account.”Sasha’s voice was deeply cracked, the sound of vocal cords unused to conversation.“…Thank you. Could you come closer?”Sasha walked up and rested his forehead on Karel’s shoulder. Unable to hug with his hands tied, Sasha embraced Karel instead. As he held Karel, Sasha began to sob quietly, and in a crawling voice, he said to Karel,“I hope you come back soon.”“…I will.”“The house is too big. I can’t live there alone.”“I know, Sasha….”Karel looked at Sasha’s face with a heart full of pity.Sasha then vented his grievances, crying that there was no need for revenge on his behalf. He reproached Karel for going too far.Karel remained silent in front of the weeping Sasha.“Can’t you come out for just one day?”“I’ll try.”Sasha wiped his wet cheeks with his worn sleeve as he cried.“We can swim and fish at the lakeside… like we used to.”“Yes, we will.”“We couldn’t do it last summer.”“Yes, I was too busy. I’m sorry.”“Next summer, for sure….”Karel raised his bound hands to caress Sasha’s face.“Wait for me.”Sasha nodded with tightly pressed lips. Then, he gently kissed Karel. It was a tender kiss, with lips just holding still and feeling each other’s warmth.Soon, there was a knock on the door from outside. Hearing the signal of a clearing throat, Sasha glanced back several times before leaving the waiting room.Karel stood there for a while. He couldn’t even promise Sasha the next summer, not even as a lie. He knew the weight of his crime too well.That day, Karel was sentenced to 25 years. Compared to many who had predicted a life sentence, it was a relatively favorable outcome.25 years, 25 years…As Karel was led out of the courtroom, he looked at Sasha, who still hadn’t risen from the audience. Shocked by the final verdict, Sasha sat with his head bowed, his thin shoulders looking small.Sasha, alone, for twenty-five summers.Karel felt his heart tighten. He could envision Sasha aging alone in that brief moment.Not long after, Karel accepted a conscription offer from the military instead of serving his sentence. At that time, it was believed the war would end within a year, with hopes high that they’d be home by Christmas. Though, that was assuming he could survive the front lines.Thus, Karel took a gamble with his life, driven by the determination to return to Sasha.At the onset of winter, he was transported to the border.