Solo For Two

Karel received a three-day holiday overlapping with the Harvest Festival. After sending Sasha ahead to the Ludwig estate, he spent a week alone and deeply regretted it. Living alone in an empty house without Sasha felt unbearably lonely.On his last day of work, Karel parked his bicycle in front of the shop and called for a carriage. Heading straight to the Ludwig estate from the square, he spent the entire ride longing to see Sasha, whom he hadn’t seen in a week.Upon arrival, Julian was the one to greet him.“Where’s Sasha?”The first thing Karel did was ask for Sasha as soon as he stepped in. Julian felt a bit slighted by this. With his sun-bleached hair and casual attire, Karel looked no different from any other laborer. To Julian, who remembered the radiant youth of his sworn brother, Karel’s appearance was unsatisfactory.“He’s in his room. I gave him the best guest room at your request.”“Really? I need to see him first.”As soon as he heard Julian’s words, Karel quickly moved towards the guest room. Julian followed behind, asking,“You don’t starve him, do you? He’s raided several dessert and cake shops today….”“Really? What else did he do?”“As soon as he arrived, he had new clothes tailored, which arrived today. He had a blast trying them on. But isn’t it a bit much to have sleeves on his clothes that are all worn out? Sasha said he doesn’t care since he never goes out, but I couldn’t take him around looking like that, so I called a tailor. He seemed to like it quite a lot despite initially refusing.”“He would. Sasha likes things like that.”“Things like what?”“Surprise gifts.”Karel smiled, picturing Sasha happily following Julian around.Karel’s earnings weren’t insufficient for two people to live on, but they weren’t enough for luxury. He had a strong desire to give Sasha many things, but instead of wasting money frivolously, Karel was diligently saving up. His goal was to save quickly and open his own shop.‘Life would be much better then. I’d only manage the shop and spend more time with Sasha.’“Sasha?”When Karel burst into the room, Sasha, still buried in fabrics, jumped up and ran to him.“Karel, look at this. The buttons are made of real silver.”“Really? We could sell them.”“Hey…!”Ignoring Julian’s stern look, Karel inwardly laughed and hugged Sasha tightly. The warmth of Sasha’s body after a week felt incredibly moving. But before Karel could bury his face in Sasha’s neck and inhale his scent, Sasha pushed him away.“Huh?”“You smell….”Only then did Karel remember he had come straight from work. He quickly stepped back from Sasha, apologizing as he headed to the bathroom.Sasha stared longingly at the spot where Karel had disappeared until he heard the sound of running water.“Tell Karel to come to my study after his shower. I have something to discuss.”Sasha’s eyes filled with a fleeting sadness. He seemed reluctant to not monopolize his lover after meeting him again after so long. Julian winked at him and said,“I’ll definitely send him to this room at night.”Watching Sasha’s face blush and fill with unspoken embarrassment, Julian left the room.＊ ＊ ＊After his shower, Karel went straight to Julian’s study. Sasha’s subtle plea to stay with him was cute, but Karel had something to confirm first.“Here you are. Sit there.”At Julian’s invitation, Karel sat on the spacious leather sofa. The table was cluttered with books and papers. Clearing a small space in front of Karel, Julian smiled awkwardly.“I haven’t been home in a long time.”“How’s the thesis going?”“Let’s not talk about that.”Julian frowned. Karel, amused by his brother’s struggles, looked around the study. Despite it being a long time since he had visited the mansion, Julian’s study was more familiar to him than any other place. It had been years since they shared lessons with a tutor here. Now, the study reflected Julian’s refined taste.Seeing Karel’s gaze linger on a luxury phonograph, Julian asked,“Oh, right. You gave Sasha a phonograph, didn’t you? I have some records I don’t listen to anymore. Take some with you when you leave. I haven’t told Sasha yet. He’ll appreciate it more if it’s from you.”“Thanks.”Karel expressed brief gratitude as he picked out a few unopened bottles of wine.“Can I drink these?”“Of course… Wait, those need to be chilled. Hold on, I’ll have it prepared.”Julian called a servant to bring the wine in an ice bucket. After a long day’s work, Karel sank into the plush leather sofa, the taste of the wine filling him with satisfaction.“This year’s Sauvignon Blanc is quite good. It’ll improve a lot with a few years of aging. Why don’t you take some with you?”“I’d love to, but if I leave it at home, Sasha will drink it all before it ages.”Just mentioning Sasha’s name softened Karel’s expression. Watching his brother’s face naturally crease into a smile, Julian sighed lightly.“Karel, are you satisfied with your life right now?”“Hm?”Julian’s expression looked complicated. Karel instinctively knew Julian was referring to Sasha.“I’m asking if you’re happy.”“That’s something… I can’t know in the current situation. It depends on how we remember it as time goes by.”Karel hesitated to answer whether he was satisfied or happy. Julian seemed surprised by Karel’s response.“At least I didn’t expect you to say that.”Instead of an excuse, Karel took a sip of his drink.It would be a lie to say that he wasn’t happy spending time with a man who gradually came to depend on him, a man who didn’t love him initially. However, Karel knew his possessiveness didn’t end there. In reality, he was enjoying relative happiness by comparing a life without Sasha to his current life.“It’s not that I’m unhappy. What I’m saying is that we… could be even happier.”“How?”Karel fell silent at Julian’s question.‘When will I be able to be satisfied?’Even Karel didn’t know the answer to that, though it was about his own life. He only knew that he wanted to shower Sasha with more affection, money, and material things if possible. He also wanted to spend more time with him. He wished that even if Sasha looked at someone else, he would know that no one could love him more than Karel did.Knowing that his obsession was above average, Karel didn’t reveal his feelings hastily. He believed that the best he could do was to patiently feign a simple life and provide Sasha with a sense of stability.As Karel remained silent, Julian spoke heavily.“In my opinion… Sasha doesn’t look healthy. I was shocked at how thin he was when he first arrived at the mansion.”“Really?”“Well, you see him every day, so it’s hard for you to notice.”“Actually, I’m worried because he doesn’t eat at all when he’s alone at home these days. What did the doctor say?”“Fortunately, there’s no stomach disease; he just has a poor appetite.”When Karel sent Sasha to the Ludwig mansion, he asked Julian to thoroughly check his health condition. Hearing that there was no major illness was a relief.“What does he usually do when he’s alone?”“I don’t really know. To be honest, I always had someone with him because I thought he shouldn’t be left alone.”Julian hesitated for a moment before speaking.“You know that Sasha isn’t normal, right?”“Not normal?”“Don’t deny it. You must have noticed.”Indeed, this was something Karel had been worrying about. This was why he couldn’t readily talk about happiness.However, Julian’s suggestion was beyond Karel’s expectations.“Shouldn’t we get him treated?”“Treatment?”“There is a ward that focuses on mental illness treatment. Recently, some psychologists and medical doctors built a new place in Switzerland. It’s a good place for convalescence, and the facilities are clean…”“Are you suggesting we lock Sasha up there?”When Karel’s voice suddenly rose, Julian hurriedly added,“It’s not about locking him up! It can take as short as three years or as long as eight years, but… It’s more like mental recuperation rather than treatment.”“He’s not at that level.”“How can you be sure?”Julian sighed deeply and said,“Sasha tried to commit suicide here. Twice, that I know of. That’s why I always had someone with him.”Julian thought Karel’s reaction was different from what he had imagined. Karel looked up, seemingly in disbelief at Julian’s words, appearing deeply shocked. Julian, on the other hand, was surprised and asked,“You had no idea at all? I thought you at least suspected…”Karel clasped his hands together. They were trembling slightly.“Tell me in detail.”“He was looking outside from the terrace and leaned too far, almost falling. If the servant hadn’t caught him, he would have definitely fallen. We were the only ones shocked; Sasha seemed unperturbed. At first, I thought he was embarrassed and pretending it didn’t happen because he didn’t remember it. But the second time he attempted something similar, it was different.”“Which floor… where did it happen?”Karel’s voice was trembling, unable to disguise his anxiety. The possibility that he might have lost Sasha or that Sasha might have been seriously injured without his knowledge terrified Karel.“In the greenhouse on the fourth floor…”“Why did you leave him alone to go up there!”“I didn’t know!”Julian snapped back at Karel’s outburst.“I knew he was a bit depressed, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. How could you push someone to that state while living with them?”Karel felt deep guilt and lowered his head at Julian’s words. Julian then softened his voice.“No, it’s not your fault… The second time, Sasha asked me to keep it a secret from you.”Julian recalled the incident a few days ago. When the servant reported the second incident, Julian had rushed to Sasha.‘I have to tell Karel right away. If something happens to you while you’re here, Karel will blame me.’Sasha had begged him not to tell Karel, apologizing and pleading desperately. Julian, who had initially dismissed Sasha’s behavior as mere attention-seeking, was instead taken aback by Sasha’s plea.It was then that Julian began to understand the depth of Sasha’s anxiety and depression.“There’s definitely something wrong. He hated being at the mansion. Nothing like that happened at my house. When he lived with me…”Karel was already on his feet, wandering restlessly around the study. As he paced back and forth between the window and the table, denying the reality of the situation, Julian spoke calmly.“Karel, Sasha is pretending to be okay in front of you.”“What?”“He’s pretending… to be normal in front of you.”“Why? Why on earth would he do that?”“Because he’s afraid of being abandoned.”Karel turned to Julian, shocked by the unexpected words. Julian felt a wave of exhaustion.As expected, Karel had only ever considered the possibility of Sasha leaving him, never the other way around.“He’s afraid that if you know he’s not normal, you’ll find him bothersome.”“……”“And if he becomes a burden, you’ll abandon him.”Karel stumbled back and collapsed into a chair, overwhelmed. He covered his face with his hands and didn’t lift his head for a long time.“…I won’t abandon him.”“I know. Karel, it’s not your fault that Sasha ended up like this.”“…I will never abandon Sasha. What should I do? How much more… What do I have to do for him to believe me?”Julian got up and approached Karel, wanting to comfort him as he struggled with his emotions. However, as a third party, all he could offer was objective advice.“This isn’t a problem that can be overcome with affection.”“……”“It’s not your fault. It’s just an illness, and he needs treatment.”Karel, looking slightly pale, fell into deep thought at Julian’s words.After a moment, Karel spoke.“Yes, let’s send him to the ward.”“That’s a good idea.”“But I can’t leave Sasha alone.”Karel’s words seemed more like a vow to himself than something directed at Julian.“I’ll go with him.”“What?”“I mean it. I’ll be admitted with him.”Julian was speechless for a moment.“If Sasha realizes he’s confined in a ward, the shock will be immense. He probably won’t be able to accept it. Julian, I want a private room. It should be set up as much like a home, or even a vacation hotel, as possible.”“……”“Help me. Consider it saving both me and Sasha.”Karel’s voice was filled with despair.Julian, who had never anticipated the situation turning out this way, took a long time to choose his words. When he finally spoke, it was a rather pitiful question, even to himself.“What about your work?”“I’ll have to quit. Actually, I’ve been preparing to open my own shop.”Karel managed to sound calm as he said this.“It’ll just be a bit sooner than planned.”Karel forced a smile.“Isn’t there another way? You don’t have to go in with him; we could have Ludwig’s servants stay with him 24 hours a day.”“No.”Karel shook his head.“If I do that, Sasha will think I’ve abandoned him.”Throughout the harvest festival, Sasha behaved shyly, mingling with people much as he had the previous year. It was a small relief that he at least spoke a few more words this time. Sasha was particularly tense around Karel’s father, trying to stay within Karel’s sight the entire time. While Karel, having spent his childhood in the mansion, had many people to interact with, he tried his best to stay close to Sasha.After hearing Julian’s words, many things became clear. The fearless Sasha who had crossed the empire’s border alone and slept on the streets was gone. All that was left was a man who was now heavily dependent on Karel.Before the harvest festival party ended, Julian suggested several alternatives to Karel. But Karel rejected all of them.“I have to take responsibility.”This might be closer to the future Karel had hoped for.‘I wanted Sasha to be entirely under my control. I prayed for it every day, but I never imagined my wish would be granted in this way.’＊ ＊ ＊On the way back from their vacation, Karel whispered to Sasha. He told him they had saved up enough money to take a long vacation where they could be together and do nothing else. Sasha’s eyes sparkled with joy at the news. He couldn’t hide his excitement at the thought of going to a country he had never been to before. Watching Sasha’s face, Karel suppressed a bitter smile.Not long after Karel quit his job and finished his brief preparations, Julian contacted him. He had arranged for the room as requested.The ward Julian introduced was located deep in the mountains of Switzerland, with rugged mountain ranges, perennial snow, and a crystal-clear lake visible from the windows. According to Julian, wealthy artists and writers recently started voluntarily seeking treatment there.Karel, holding the leather case containing their simple belongings, took Sasha’s hand and headed for Switzerland. Sasha believed that the entire journey to the psychiatric ward and the time spent there was just a vacation for the two of them.And he continued to believe this for a long time afterward.＊ ＊ ＊It was the day they received permission to go out from the ward and watched a movie. Sasha seemed deeply moved by the silent film they saw on the big screen. He remained lost in thought, holding Karel’s hand as they returned to the ward, barely speaking.As they gazed at the snowy mountains and the frozen lake, Sasha finally spoke.“I wonder how love can last forever.”Karel pondered for a moment about what had triggered Sasha’s words. Sasha seemed to still be reflecting on the film’s content.Sasha was doubting the movie’s conclusion of “They lived happily ever after.”“You have living proof right in front of you.”“You can’t know that until you die.”Aware of Sasha’s deep doubts and insecurities, Karel didn’t respond with words. Instead, he simply embraced him.“I don’t understand why you love me.”“……”“What’s so special about me…?”Instead of making a joke, Karel calmly whispered in his ear. He told Sasha how he thought he had never seen anyone as beautiful as him from the moment they first met. And that thought hadn’t changed. He added that Sasha’s personality was lovely and that he considered himself lucky to be born in the same era as him.Sasha shook his head in strong denial at being called “beautiful” or having a “lovely personality.”“Not those things… Tell me how long you’ll love me.”Karel couldn’t help but burst into laughter at that. He hugged Sasha and rolled onto the bed with him. After a while, he stopped laughing and looked into Sasha’s eyes.The future was uncertain, and his lover doubted his love. Moreover, Sasha’s mental state was precariously unstable, and Karel had willingly walked into a psychiatric ward with him. Even in the midst of such a tragic situation that could bring about bitter laughter, Karel felt happy just holding him.If this isn’t love, then what is…?Karel rubbed his nose against Sasha’s and said, “Forever.”“Forever?”“Until I die…”“What if you die before me, Karel?”“Then let’s die on the same day.”“Alright.”Karel caressed Sasha’s cheek and said, with eyes and voice full of affection, “We’ll grow old together. You’re my last love. You can trust me.”The faint light reflected off the snow outside the window, Karel’s low voice, his gentle laughter, and his firm embrace—all of it reached deep into Sasha’s consciousness.It was almost like brainwashing.Sasha, who never knew how to love himself, couldn’t accept someone else’s love without doubt. Suddenly, Sasha felt the urge to reciprocate Karel’s love.‘I have nothing but myself to give.’Worried that he would have nothing left if he gave even that, Sasha was tormented by anxiety.“I’m sorry I have nothing to give you.”“It’s okay, don’t think about that.”“I have nothing…”“What are you talking about? You’ve had me for a long time.”Karel’s words healed Sasha’s mind from deep within, though it was such a slow change that neither of them realized it at the time.Sasha laid his ear against Karel’s chest. He could feel the heartbeat of a living person.“What can I do with having you?”Instead of laughing at this curious question, Karel answered seriously, “Anything.”Sasha leaned against Karel, who was hugging him from behind, and stretched his arm upward. It looked like a ballet movement, and Karel watched the beautiful arc of his arm with his eyes.‘With two people, you can dance a pas de deux.’Sasha thought deeply.Karel had stepped onto the stage that Sasha thought was his own life. Sasha took Karel’s hand and kissed the back of it as if choreographing a dance.It was the moment when a life that had been endured as a solo dance turned into a pas de deux.＊ ＊ ＊Pfalz, July 1914.In the height of summer, following the declaration of war by the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the Russian Empire announced a general mobilization.Every day, new countries joined the war. Within a week, seven countries were involved, and today alone, there had been a second declaration of war. Receiving an extra edition of the newspaper from a boy selling papers, Karel skimmed the front page while straddling his bicycle.Anticipating the approaching war, the Ludwig family had already begun liquidating their assets and businesses to stockpile overseas funds. Julian had hinted to Karel about the war’s trajectory.“Russia won’t endure this war. Its lifespan is nearing its end.”“What about us?”“If we win, we’ll continue to exist, but if we lose, we’ll be torn apart. It’s always been a precariously stitched-together country anyway. In any case, the age of imperialism is over.”Karel paid the boy for the newspaper, wondering if there was any news worth sharing with Sasha. Though it had been a long time since Sasha had left Russia, he still mumbled in Russian in his sleep.The inland regions were peaceful, far removed from the disturbances at the borders. Karel tossed the newspaper into his basket and began pushing his bicycle again. The musicians in the square, the vendors in the alleys, and the boats carrying goods along the canal painted the same familiar picture as always.Karel and Sasha had returned home from Switzerland two months ago.To their surprise, Sasha had found stability at the ward much faster than expected. Considering they had braced themselves for the possibility it might take years, it was a miraculous outcome.Before they left the ward, the doctor attributed everything to Karel’s dedicated care. It was a significant change from when they initially treated Karel like a madman rather than a caretaker. After all, it was hard for the doctor to understand why a sane person would insist on being confined to a ward for the treatment of a mere “cousin.”In essence, Karel had lost the entire winter of his 26th year. Yet, he did not regret that time as long as Sasha remembered that winter as their happy vacation.“Karel? Karel! It’s you, isn’t it? Long time no see.”It was Marian, who had worked at the same butcher shop, calling out happily from a distance. Karel greeted him with a smile.“Where have you been? Holed up at home hibernating all winter? I was surprised not to see you around. I thought you’d left the town without saying goodbye.”“Yes, I was away for a while. How have you been?”“Oh, you know, same as always. You still look as handsome as ever.”Marian, who was shorter than Karel, looked him up and down. Being about ten years older than Karel and still a bachelor, he had a habit of comparing his masculine charm with Karel’s every day. Moreover, he often lamented having no woman to spend his hard-earned money on.“Where exactly did you go? Chasing after a woman?”Though the person he followed wasn’t a woman, Karel just laughed since it wasn’t entirely off the mark.“What! Really? Are you getting married too? I can’t believe it. Women don’t know what a real man is.”Marian swung his fist in the air threateningly, emphasizing his stocky build. His unsanitary appearance and severe drunkenness often made women grimace and turn away when he passed by. Even now, neatly dressed women frowned as they walked past him.Instead of telling him the truth, Karel gave a neutral answer.“No, that’s not it. I’m not getting married.”“Really? As expected…? Whew…”Marian seemed relieved. Apparently, he was secretly worried that Karel, much younger than him, might get married before him. Transparent in his feelings, Marian was neither a villain nor a saint but just an ordinary man. Though not of the same caliber as the well-educated Karel, Karel didn’t particularly dislike him.Talking to someone else for the first time in a long while gave Karel a bit of a boost. Having been confined with Sasha in the quiet Alps ward for so long, he, too, missed human interaction. Finding the idle chatter not unpleasant, Karel leaned against the fountain in the square with Marian.“Don’t be too disheartened, Karel. Everyone has their match. Like Mr. Walter’s cousin. She was so eager for a young husband and ended up marrying a man twenty years younger!”“Is that so?”“She’s quite the woman. It’s a shame she didn’t see a real man like me, but it worked out well.”A husband twenty years younger! Karel wasn’t particularly interested in gossip but acknowledged it was unusual. Such news would certainly have shaken up the whole town.Seeing Karel’s mild curiosity, Marian excitedly continued.“I wondered how she found such a young husband. Turns out she had quite an inheritance from her late husband. A bit of land with a windmill and mill, and a beauty pharmacy over there in the square. Whatever the reason, that young husband hit the jackpot.”“I suppose he did.”“It’s good they found each other.”“Indeed.”Karel’s agreement made Marian lean closer, thrilled.“And thank goodness that foreign scoundrel she was with earlier didn’t work out. Right?”“A foreigner?”Without looking at Marian, Karel asked, his gaze fixed on the ground. There weren’t many people in this small town who would be called a “foreigner.”“Yeah! That foreigner. Tried to swindle her for her fortune, asking for diamond rings and gold candlesticks as engagement gifts. Hey, are you listening?”“You mean the friend who worked at Mr. Walter’s pottery shop?”Seeing Karel’s darkened expression, Marian hesitated.“Uh, yes, you know him. But…”“I know he isn’t that kind of person.”“Is he your friend? Did I just insult your friend? Oh, I’m sorry.”Karel gave a bitter smile and stood up. Marian hastily followed a few steps behind, apologizing.“Well, you know, for a foreigner to settle down here, marriage is the only way. Right?”“I suppose so.”“Well then, see you at the pub later!”Karel nodded and got on his bicycle.The days were longer in the summer, and it was still light outside.Crossing the bridge and passing the lake, Karel soon arrived home, parking his bicycle next to the willow tree. Sasha’s bicycle, unused for almost a year, stood nearby, rusted.“Sasha?”There was the smell of food from the kitchen. At his call, Sasha peeked out from inside.“Everything alright?”Sasha nodded. A record from a singer Julian had gifted him was playing on the phonograph. It was one of Sasha’s favorite songs.